


Fixing Donnie

by lukeyandlou



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Abuse, Alcoholism, Angst, Broken Family, Brotherly Love, Depression, Depression Recovery, Drinking, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Family Feels, Fatherly Love, Hurt/Comfort, Leorai - Freeform, Recovery, Romance, Self Harm, Sex Addiction, Sexual Abuse, Suicide, TMNT, TMNT 2012, apriltello, donniexapril - Freeform, friendships, self harm recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-05-22 08:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 165,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6071881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lukeyandlou/pseuds/lukeyandlou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a long time suffering of depression, Donatello reaches his breaking point. In order to appease the love of his life, he accepts a deal to let her show him 100 reasons to live before giving up. When the breaking of Donatello has lead to the downward spiral of the entire family and appearance of a mysterious psychic villain, we she succeed the challenge?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Another new fic! This fic will be Apriltello, but it will also be about family dynamics and friendship and just the basic stuff we all love about TMNT!  
> TW: This story is about depression, and features suicidal thoughts and actions as well as self-harm. Please do not read if you are triggered easily. If you are going through any of these things, feel free to PM me for someone to talk to or call a local hotline to get help. There is always a solution.  
> The sad stuff is more in the beginning, for this is the story of Donatello’s recovery. I will be updating this and my other fic The Other Brothers, which will be alternated.  
> PAIRING: Donnie/April  
> WARNINGS: Language, Sexual Content, Attempted Suicide, Self-Harm  
> SETTING: Around season three maybe?

Donnie didn’t know it was possible to feel this amount of empty, to have every feeling he’s ever had drained from his body. It was as if someone had vacuumed every inch of his soul, leaving him a hollow shall that continued to breathe. As if the gigantic mind that always kept his head this close from exploding had completely vacated, a sensation that the boy had never even came close to feeling in his sixteen years of living.

The only thing reminding him that he was still alive was the warm streaks of liquid that streaked down his hallow cheeks, pouring out at a rapid rate at his stared silently at the white wall in front of him.

He had endured so much pain, so much torturous agony that every fiber of his extremely complicated soul was evaporating, blanketed in a darkness that he couldn’t prevent from taking control.

When Donnie thought of the last few years, he couldn’t say that everything was completely horrible – there had been some good things too. He had made more memories with his brothers and family, more games and playing and accomplishments. He had some fun with all of his friends, loving any moment that he was in the presence of _her._

April. April O’Neil. The loveliest person that had every existed in this earth, the most beautiful woman that he could ever possibly imagine. His queen, his heart, the love of his life. Donnie would never regret knowing April, for it was one of the purest things he’s ever known. He will always cherish the first time he lay eyes on her, all of the times they had hung out in the lair or in his lab or at her apartment, all of the times he had helped her with her school work or they binge watched paranormal television shows together. The first time she had kissed him, making him think that maybe all of his dark thoughts had the chance of turning around.

The time that they had made love, making him that just _maybe_ , she could love him back.

It had been a month ago when April and Donnie had been intimate. For Donnie, it was the absolute best moment of his life. After spending every day feeling so worthless and unappreciated and like he was a disgusting freak who can never feel love, he finally felt something filling the empty hole in his heart. Her kisses and warmth and affection made him feel that maybe, he wasn’t as bad as he thought he was. Maybe, he had a chance in this world, and things were going to get better.

Yet in the morning, after he had spent such a special night with the girl he was madly in love with, after he had given her his innocence and his trust and passion, she had ditched him before he had awoken, leaving only a small paper in her place.

_“Oh God…I don’t know what happened last night. The alcohol and my insecurities were getting the best of me, I guess. Let’s not let this make things awkward between us, okay? -April xx”_

And they had never brought it up again. Not to the others, not to each other. Just like it was completely erased from history. Frankly, a blow that brutal had made Donatello’s messed up mind completely blast into a turmoil of despair.

Donnie stared blankly at the markings that showered his arms, each of them recalling a different memory. The lightest ones made his heart crunch in sadness, remembering when things had first begun.

_A younger Donatello had ran into his lab and locked the door shut, no longer able to contain the sobs the racketed his body. He didn’t care if crying was a sign of weakness, if he was weak then so be it. The boy slid down and held his knees close to his chin, big brown eyes wet with melancholy._

_“You mutated my father! I never want to see any of your faces ever again!”_

_The harsh words rang through his mind repetitively, making him dizzy with the situation ringing over him over and over again._

_His favorite person HATED him, never wanted anything to do with him ever again. Due to his idiocy, she her father was deformed and had lost his humanity and he had lost the only thing that seemed to keep him sane as of late._

_It was true that Donnie had been feeling sadder lately, feeling more and more that his brothers would do better without him. That he would never feel happy with himself and every time he looked in the mirror he would always wince in disgust. That no matter how hard he tried, his life would never be satisfactory and he will never know what it is like to be happy._

_A swarm of words intoxicated his mind, each of them a sharp blow against his chest. Thoughts of how his brothers never included him, how they all made fun of him constantly, how he didn’t fit in with his family and that he will never belong. Thoughts of how he is the worst ninja on the team, how he is weak and responsible for all of their losses, how he is selfish and only cares about himself and his own wants. How he makes April miserable and how she will never return affections towards him, nor will any girl, considering he is a mutant freak._

_More tears of self-loathing slipped past the teen’s face as he got up and strolled to his desk, going through his kit of tools. On the internet, he had read something about what some people do when they’re too sad, when they’re lost or numb or don’t know what else to do. At first, Donatello thought it was foolish and didn’t make any sense, that those people must either be desperate for attention or closeted masochists or some other sort of an idiot._

_Yet there he was, prepared to test it out on himself, to see if maybe it would work for him the same way it worked for them._

_Donatello took a blade to his skin for the first time that night._

He couldn’t help but chuckle ironically at the memory, seeing a graveyard of assorted scars from the horrible habit that had grown on him as his self-hatred had increasingly grown more severe. For as time passed, his family seemed more hostile towards him while they got closer to each other, he tried and tried and tried to succeed to use his skills to help the missions but only failed every time, after something that he had done would hurt everyone else. After he didn’t understand if April loved him or not. After he decided that this world and this life would be perfect if he wasn’t a part of it. He was the expendable, the spare piece keeping everything from fitting neatly. After a lifetime of selfish choices, he wasn’t going to keep this from his loved ones as well.

So now here he is, staring at the bathroom wall, not caring or fearing about a single thing that exists in this world. For Donatello, everything was gone, all of his thoughts or feelings or hopes all replaced by an intense darkness and need to escape.

He didn’t know how he would possibly be able to face his family before he did the deed so he was sure to have been extra nice to them earlier, when he would spend his last day with them. He made sure to teach Mikey how to perform a few experiments, kissing his little brother on the head and telling him how he deserved the entire world and more. He made sure to pummel Raph with hugs, even if Raph pushed him off in confusion. He had treated Leo and Sensei to neck massages and breakfast in bed, telling them how they work so hard and deserve a little time for themselves.

For Donnie, this was his way of saying goodbye to the family that he loved. He wasn’t sure if they caught on that something was up, but at least he would always know that he didn’t leave them without showing them appreciation. They would realize exactly what his intentions were once he was gone.

Yet there was one person left who he had not spoken to, who remained without any notice of Donnie or his feelings. Someone who Donnie had so many things to tell, so much things left that needed to be said.

So there he was, holding out the shard from his bo staff already towards his veins, calling April O’Neil on the phone.

“Hello? Donnie? Do you have any idea what time it is? Is everyone alright?”

Donnie had to pause for a moment, seeping her sweet voice into his mind.

“I love you, April.”

April paused for a moment, wondering if Donnie was caught up in late night thinking or if something was actually up. However, the negative energy was burning her mind, telling her that something wasn’t right and that she had to help.

“Donnie? Is everything okay? Where are you?” she started to grow anxious as the feeling in her mind grew bigger and bigger, causing a migraine to burn through her psyche.

“You’re the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I love you, and I wish that you had better than this, I wish you had everything that you deserve, which is way better than me. I know that things will get better for you, that soon you’ll have someone you love who can love you right and soon everything will be okay,” he began, trying to conceal the shudder in his voice.

“What are you talking about? Donnie, none of us have the easiest time but I am perfectly happy with what I have and I don’t like you talking about yourself that way,” she replies.

“I am going to make things better, April. Soon you won’t have me to worry about and you won’t have to pity me anymore, I won’t get in the way of missions. You can be with Casey without having to feel like you’re betraying me and you won’t have to give me love to make me feel better about myself,” Donnie says, the lack of feeling in his voice sending chills to the young girl’s bones.

“Donnie?! Stop it. I don’t pity you, I care about you! We all do and we need you, you’re worth way more than you think you are. I promise to God you mean something to me, everything I have ever done for you came out of my heart, not my pity! I would never do that to you, Donatello!” April’s voice is starting to crack now, her heart beat bouncing in her petite chest.

“I can’t control it anymore, April. I’m not here anymore. I’m gone and I can’t come back. I can’t make decisions anymore and I am so sorry but I know you will all be okay,” he says.

“No! Please, Donnie, stop. Please stop. You can turn this around!” she cries.

“I love you April. Never forget that, how much you mean to me. I’m sorry, for everything,” he hangs up immediately, knowing if he says too much she will have time to call for help before he has the chance to finish the task.

The boy gulps his bravery as the sharp silver blade is beside his vein, waiting to slit open all of the life that was once inside, to free him from this eternal hell that his mind has captured him in.

“Only the strongest can handle the blessed curse of a humongous mind, one that has the ability to tear them apart,” he says, tracing a small line of blood out of his skin. “That rules me out, right?”

It didn’t surprise Donatello when the opening of his arms didn’t cause him pain, but only led him to gaze in fascination at the river of crimson that flowed over his limbs and all over the floor. It was quite captivating to see his fluids pouring out, seeing the physical reality of all the life that had drained from him.

As the darkness began seeping in, he only crossed his arms over his chest, watching how quickly his chest became drenched in the bodily substance as well. Finally, he felt that he was doing something right.

He was going to make everyone feel better. He was going to make himself feel better, to stop the hurt that always poisoned the blood flowing through his veins.

He was going to make everything better.


	2. Please Don't Go, I Love You So

Nothing had ever struck her eardrums as painfully as the buzzing of the phone when it disconnected, leaving a sickening buzz in the place of her best friend’s haunted voice.

“No, no…No!” April whispered to herself, clasping her fingers against her mouth while her own rosy cheeks became moist with tears. Not Donnie, not her Donnie. She had sensed a negative energy in him for a while now, but she never would have thought that it would go this far.

 She couldn’t handle losing Donnie, she just couldn’t. He was her entire world and there was so much left to tell him that she had never gotten the chance to explain. She would never forgive herself if he had died not understanding how much she loved him.

Actually including the word _died_ in the thought of Donatello was enough to shake her into reality, understanding the reality of the situation. It was going to be too late for him if she didn’t act now.

The fear and sudden shock that her best friend was about to do this to himself was making it difficult to help, her hands shaking and pale face soaked with tears and sweat, her voice unable to communicate audible phrases.

_No, pull yourself together April. Donnie’s life is in your hands – be strong for him!_

April tried to call Leo first, knowing he is the oldest and should be the one who is called first. Every ring of the phone fed her anticipation, her heart swelling heavily. April almost slammed the phone to the floor in frustration when the voicemail sounded, worrying her about what would happen if none of the brothers answered. She tried Raph next, receiving the same results. She couldn’t help but cry out, worrying that every second wasted was seconds that Donnie could be losing his life. The only brother left was Mikey, and April had felt terrible about calling him. Mikey was not far younger than the others, but in the soul he was still innocent and pure, and there is no knowing what it will be like seeing Donnie right now. She hates that he’s the only one left to call, the only one who’s going to find Donnie in whatever state he is in right now. All of them always sheltered Mikey from the demons of the world the best they could, but sometimes they didn’t have a choice. Mikey was the only option left, Donnie had limited time and April would never be able to make it there herself quick enough.

April held the phone close to her ear as it began ringing, her shaking body trembling as she enclosed herself into a ball.

“ _Hey April, what’s up?”_

The girl’s grip tightens on her phone as the chipper voice runs through her ears, her fingers now drenched in sweat.

She tried to get out words, but didn’t know how put them. Somehow, everything in her mind had vanished, all of her thoughts replaced by complete terror burning sharp into her entire body.

_“April, you alright?”_

She took out a shaky sigh and shot her eyes open, trying to keep from breaking into complete sobs. No, if she couldn’t tell someone fast enough than Donnie could be gone.

“Mikey…sweetheart, you have to listen to me, okay? This is very serious,” she says, using all of her might to keep her voice comforting and soft but unable to hide the trembles.

“I’m listening. What’s wrong?” Mikey asked, his heart being to pump as he grew nervous. Was April hurt? How much danger was she in?

“It’s Donnie… he called me on the phone right now and it’s really bad…” she says, trying to keep from hyperventilating.

“Donnie? What about Donnie?” Mikey urges her, beginning to grow confused.

“He called me and he said some really scary things and I think he is about to go do something really bad…you need to go find wherever he’s at and go in there. Break down the door if it’s locked, and if he’s fine then don’t let him be by himself. Okay?” she instructs, having enough power to get out her words straight.

“He said he was going to get in the shower about an hour ago, I am pretty sure he’s still in the bathroom. I’ll go in there and see what’s up and then I’ll call you back, how’s that sound?” Mikey says, trying to conceal his own nervousness.  He didn’t know what kind of bad things Donnie had been saying on the phone, but it must have been really bad if April was freaking out so much. He had noticed Donnie wasn’t exactly being himself for a while. He hadn’t had the chance to talk with him about it, but he sure was planning it. Perhaps now would be the perfect time.

“Okay,” April says, bursting into panicked sobs as soon as the line disconnects. She falls to the floor and wraps arms tightly around herself as she cries, pulling harshly at her bangs as the anxiety increased. No matter what she thought of, she couldn’t get Donnie’s haunted voice out of her head, the way that it sounded still chilling her to the bone. The voice that always brought her so much comfort, that had soothed her to sleep and always made her feel warm as it spoke on about something intelligent and complex, now so dead and numb as emotionless. It was as if someone had taken everything she had ever known and ripped in to shreds in front of her just him tell her he loves her.

“April? What’s wrong?” her father ran into her room as soon as he heard the sobs, kneeling down and putting a hand on his daughter’s shoulder.

Not having any words to say, the terrified girl collapsed into her father’s arms, wrapping tightly around his waist and melting into his white shirt.

“Oh April, what has happened?” he says, his heart breaking to witness the despair of his little girl. He only wanted April to be happy, but with the lifestyle she lived he knew excruciating pain was inevitable and particularly expected.

“D-Do-Don-Donnie,” she says, her big blue eyes wide.

“Donnie? What about Donnie? Is he okay?” Kirby asks, rubbing circles on her back in comfort.

“He called me Dad, he said some really bad things. I had a really dark vibe and my head hurt so bad and I knew something was wrong, and his voice was so empty and gone and- “April spits out, the words coming out quickly and almost incoherent.

“Whoa there sweetie, calm down. Take deep breaths and talk a little slower,” he says comfortingly, picking up her chin so that her eyes were baring straight into his.

“Dad, I think he’s going to kill himself.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Mikey had been quick to put down the phone and start walking towards the bathroom, growing more nervous by the second. He had never heard April so upset, and with the way his brother had been acting lately there’s no telling what could be happening. Mikey truly did wish that Donnie talked to him more, that he trusted him to vent to and to share feelings with. Being the two youngest, Donnie and Mikey had been so close growing up, but for the past two years Donnie had just been falling more distant. After a certain amount of time, the two had just stopped having deep conversations or advice and Donnie had just subjected himself to his lab more and more, obviously annoyed when Mikey had come in to keep him company.

To be honest, Mikey was feeling quite lonely, and he really wished Donnie would stop changing and just be his best friend again. Donnie was obviously going through something that he wasn’t sharing with the others and it hurt Mikey that he wasn’t trusted enough to be shared with.

He just wanted his brother back, for Donatello to be happy. Was that too much to ask for?

“Donnie? You in there?” Mikey called out as he approached the bathroom. The only response was the cold silence, making the young boy even more anxious.

“C’mon Donnie, I’m not playing around. You’ve got to open the door,” Mikey says, pressing his face against the white wood to try to pick up any sounds.

Again, nothing could be picked up besides the cold, hard silence. As if no one had been in there at all.

“Donnie? You’re starting to scare me, bro. Please open the door,” Mikey says, trying his best to make his voice sound stern.

He was met by the silence again, but it wasn’t like any other silence that he experienced before. Usually, the silence was comforting, reminding him of when he would stay up past his family and appreciate the peace of the night to watch tv or listen to music. That kind of silence made Mikey happy, as it symbolized peace and a rare form of relaxation. But this silence, _this silence_ was heavy and tense and harsh, like everything in the world was gone and something was _definitely_ wrong.

“Alright D, I really didn’t want to have to do this, but looks like you’ve given me no choice,” he sighs, pulling out his nunchuck and spinning it rapidly beside him, preparing the impact. When he believed it would be strong enough, he slammed it as hard as he could against the doorknob, which sent the piece broken in half and leaving a hole in the doorway where it used to be.

Mikey slammed the door open and quickly peered inside, half of the room blocked off by the bathtub. A chill runs through his veins when he sees only his brother’s feet, his ankles tucked just beside the bathtub. Was he asleep? Was there any possible way he could even sleep through all that?

“C’mon Donnie, it’s time to get up…” Mikey says, walking over slowly in fear of what he might see. He didn’t know what it was, but there was something in the air that made his little heart burn with dread.

Mikey gathered his courage and walked to the front of the bath tub, turning to see the rest of his brother’s body. As soon as his eyes came in contact, his entire body froze in place. His eyes were locked open in position, glued to what he saw in front of him. For just a moment there, he had forgotten how to talk, how to move, how to breathe. It was as if the Earth had stopped spinning and everything had just disappeared from existence, gone beneath his fingertips.

There in front of him, his older brother lay unconscious and drenched in blood, giant slashes running vertically down his wrists. His green skin was a deadly shade of pale, and his long body was unbelievably still.

“D-D-Donnie?” Mikey whispers, the sound a pathetic hiss from the back of his throat, his eyes welled with tears and his heart unmoving in his chest.

“N-No,” he whispers, beginning to shake his head rapidly in disbelief. “No, no, no, no, NO!” he stutters, collapsing to the floor beside him with streaks of tears flowing from his eyes.

Mikey’s panic broke him out of the shock, sending him dashing to his brother and collapsing on top of him.

“Donnie, pl-please,” he whimpers, taking his brother’s hands in his own and examining his wrists. Mikey winced from how cold Donnie’s hands were, something that he hopes to never ever feel again.

“C’mon D, you have to wake up,” Mikey whispers, sliding his finger through the bloodbath to find a pulse. Soothing a hundred nerves in his body, he feels a slight bumping against his finger, indicating that his brother was still alive. Barely.

“Donnie please, you can’t do this to me. I need you D, you know I need you. I can’t live without you, none of us can, you’re my best friend in the whole world! Please Donnie, please wake up. Please wake up and I’ll never annoy you again, I’ll never pull a prank or I’ll even never talk if you don’t want me to! I’ll do everything for you and I’ll get you whatever you want if you just stay with me! I’m sorry, I’m really stupid, I’m so stupid for not showing you much I love you! Just wake up, wake up now! I need you! Please don’t die!” Mikey explodes, beginning to sob and finally breaking down and falling on top of his brother, his own chest and arms now covered in blood.

“You asshole! How dare you leave me like that! Don’t you dare die Donatello, don’t you fucking dare! Please wake up!” he screams, shaking Donnie’s body as hard as he can before collapsing again.

“HELP! SOMEONE HELP US!” he screams as loud as he can out of the door way, knowing his family members were on the other side of house and had been too busy doing their own things to hear any of this.

“Please wake up, please wake up, please wake up…” Mikey whispers repetitively into Donnie’s chest as he continues crying.

Raph and Leo had run out of the room as soon as they heard Mikey’s cries, worry building up inside them. They had been in the room watching a horror movie that the others didn’t want to watch and didn’t notice that they both had missing calls from April.

“What’s wrong Mikey?” Leo called out as they grew closer and closer to the open bathroom, their little brother’s sobs becoming more and more clear. Both ran into the room and just as Mikey had earlier, froze in horror.

“You’ve got to help! He’s done something really bad to himself! He’s still alive but it’s fading away!” Mikey screams, snapping them back into reality.

“You get sensei, I’ll take care of them real fast,” Raph tells Leo, and the oldest darts out of the room without a second word.

Raph slowly kneels down in shock, taking Donnie’s cold hand in his own. He felt the sudden urge to vomit at the sight of all his brother’s blood, and even more at the cause.

“He did this…to himself?” he asks, the thought completely beyond him. Mikey doesn’t reply, only continues to sob on Donnie’s chest. Raph can’t move his eyes from the face of Donatello, so bland and emotionless and his mouth slightly quirked in a painful expression.

“Donnie…” he says, tears welling up in his eyes and the shock in his mind so intense that he wasn’t even able to cry, to do anything but stare.

Splinter ran into the room instantly, Leonardo following straight behind him. The man’s heart almost fell out of his chest at the sight, the deepest sorrow imaginable instantly filling his soul.

“Donatello…my child…” he whispered, sliding a paw up his son’s face.

“How are we gonna help him? Donnie’s the only one who knows this stuff!” Leonardo screams, the sudden realization hitting each of them with terror.

“We have no choice but to make out of what we have in any attempt to save him. Michelangelo, call April and tell her to come here immediately. She and her father could be of great help to us. Leonardo, begin setting up the medical facility,” Splinter says, his dazed eldest child zipping away. As much as he wanted to sob in heartache, he and his two oldest sons knew they had to push away their emotions just for this moment in any attempt to help Donatello. If they had focused on anything other than healing him, all may be lost. There was no time now for crying or panic but only to be brave enough to pull everything together.

Raph manages to pry his blood covered baby brother off of Donnie and into his lap as Splinter picks up Donnie and rushes him to the infirmary, disappearing out of sight. Mikey continues his uncontrollable sobbing, breaking in Raph’s grasp. Raph takes a moment to whisper soothing things to his little brother and rub his arm in comfort, knowing that nothing could be done if Mikey’s panic attacks got any worse.

“C’mon buddy, you wanna help make Donnie better, don’t ya? You’ve gotta be brave and strong for him, alright? Can you do that for Donnie?” Raph says, pulling Mikey’s chin up to his own.

Mikey wipes his eyes fiercely and forces out a nod, taking everything in him to calm down.

“You’ve got to call April and tell them to come help, then we are gonna go in there and help too. I know Donnie has taught you a lot, maybe even enough to help save him yourself,” Raph says, forcing out a weak smile.

Mikey nods again, pressing his head close to Raph. “I’ll ca-call April. Y-you go in there and he-help and I’ll be ri-right there.”

“That’s my boy,” Raph says fondly, kissing Mikey on the head and helping him up before zipping in a beeline to the infirmary as well.

Mikey’s hand shakes as he reaches for his phone, hitting speed dial for April and holding it as close to him as possible.

April jumps up violently as her phone rings, terror filling her body to pick up Mikey’s call. “Mi-Mikey?” she says reluctantly, fearing whatever it was she would hear next.

“He-he’s done so-something really bad. You’ve g-got to come n-now, and bring your d-dad. I n-need your help,” Mikey says, and April feels every inch of her body sting with heartache.

 _He’s done it. He done something bad and now he might die. Donnie might die_.

“I’ll be right there,” she says as she and her father jet into the dark of the night, her heart racing with determination to fix her Donnie.

He can’t die, not when she hasn’t told him so many things.

_Please don’t go. I love you so._


	3. Homesick

There was no place on Earth that April was more familiar with than the lair. In fact, over the past near two years, she had entered it even more times than her own apartment. The comfort in the old pizzeria smell and constant sound of the rambunctious brothers was one of her heart’s greatest comforts, a strong sense of familiarity that would always stay with her.

When she thought of entering the lair, she thought of it like coming back to her other home. Never would she have imagined that she would be so damn _terrified_ to enter the lair as she was now, not in a million years.

Yet there she was, steps shaky as she rushed through the depths of the sewers on the path she knew so well, dreading the moment she opened the door more and more every step of the way.

She had almost forgotten that her Dad was following behind her, knowing that speaking to his distraught daughter would only make everything worse. It was as if all of her senses had collapsed, the cold world around her only a faded illusion.

Once she had finally arrived to the steps that led to the lair, she felt a sting through her heart that she had never felt before.

It was the silence that scared her the most. The heavy pressure in the air, full of heartbreak and melancholy but still so lost and empty at the same time. The lack of laughter and playful squabbling that usually brought this place to life was completely vacant, leaving it to be as a hallow shell.

_Would things always be this way? Is the life that she knows now only a small trace of history?_

She has to mentally slap herself out of thinking so pessimistically as she leads herself toward the infirmary, right in the corner of the lab that she had made so many memories in.

Finally, the silence was starting to crack, her only company being a pained whisper that was getting closer and closer to her.

Michelangelo was sitting against the wall with his knees pulled as close to his chest as possible, big blue eyes staring straight ahead of him with a wet coating around them. He had been told to wait here for April, that he needed to calm down before going in there with Donnie. Of course, this only made him quite more upset, for the fear of his brother going without him being there was growing more and more.

He was all alone in the darkness with a heavy head on his shoulders, rethinking everything about the world that he’s ever known. If someone so intelligent, so important as his brother would do something like this, what does that say about life itself? Was he not a good little brother, or was his family not good enough? Had he gone too far with his pranks and joking to instigate his brother’s suicidal thoughts? What was going to happen if Donnie didn’t wake up, if he unexpectedly abandoned them all without him? _What would happen if he did wake up?_

Mikey pushes his face into his arms with a frustrated sob, angry tears wiping down both sides of his face.

If Donnie wasn’t going to be there with them anymore, where would he go? What exactly would happen to him if he didn’t exist in this reality any longer? Donnie had already stated his religious beliefs, the time he had told Mikey all of these big words theorizing how science had put this world together and how no alternate dimensions were a possibility. Despite always taking Donnie’s word, Mikey had to disagree. He believed that this world was to magnificent to be the product of a scientific mishap, that souls were too complex to just cease to exist after death. Especially now, he could never imagine the idea of Donnie becoming captured by an eternal black emptiness, lacking any continuation of existence. This simply wasn’t something that could be even a possibility. There had to be another world awaiting for his brother, somewhere more challenging than this world, the next step of his journey. Maybe somewhere that would be more fitting for his intellect, a place that would be better for him.

_Stop that, Michelangelo. The best place he could be is HERE._

Mikey always did believe there was a God, someone he could turn to when he had nowhere else to go. Someone he could ask mercy from, someone who could protect him and his family.

Someone he only talked to when he really needed a savior, one beyond what this world could provide.

“God…” he whispered, closing his eyes and holding his legs shakily, “Please don’t let Donnie die. I know why you’d want him with you… he’s one of the best guys in the whole world. But God, he’s only 16 and he hasn’t lived yet and he needs to know how much I love him. If he never knows that, I will never forgive myself. He’s so smart and kind and patient…the world would be nothing but ugly without him in it. He can help so many people, make so many people better. He made me better, and he makes everyone else better. Without him, we are going to fall apart, and I’m not ready for that. Please don’t end things so soon, there are so many adventures he never got to go on. If you let Donnie live, I promise I won’t be a bad boy anymore. I won’t make Donnie hate his life and I’ll never bother anyone again. I’ll try to be a good boy; I promise I will. Just please, whoever you are, please don’t let Donnie die. Please don’t take my big brother away from me.”

“Mikey…you aren’t a bad boy.”

The sudden voice made his head snap up, his eyes wide with alarm, April was slowly approaching him, her eyes also tinted with an intense form of distress as she reached her hand out lightly for his shoulder.

“No one was supposed to hear that,” he whispers back, and April falls back from the shock of the sound of his voice. It was like this wasn’t Mikey at all, only an imposter who had a really good costume. The soul of his voice was completely empty, the tone she was so used to completely washed out.

The look in his eyes made her cry out on its own; the usually bright and animated blue eyes now a truly horrible and painful form of grey. If someone were to ask for the definition of despair, she thought of no better description than the look in Mikey’s eyes at this very moment.

“It isn’t healthy to keep things to yourself,” she says, resting her fingers lightly against his shoulder.

“There isn’t time for me right now,” he replies, his voice lacking of emotion.

“My dad ran in already to help set up the proper medical supplies. He’s not a doctor, but being a scientist, his knowledge is useful to help pull together whatever’s necessary,” she says.

“Yet he’s not a doctor. None of us are doctors, and there wouldn’t even be promise of him surviving with a real one around anyways. We can do whatever we want so we could always tell ourselves we tried but we all know that he’s not gonna make it,” Mikey says coldly, not even more tears spilling from his face at the moment.

April can’t help but gasp, wondering if this is even actually Mikey she was talking to. The Mikey she knew was always an optimist, the one keeping everyone lifted during the toughest of situations. If he was so hopeless and cynical in this situation, all hope would be gone entirely.

“That’s enough of that,” she looks away, trying to make her voice sound more stern. “Donnie doesn’t deserve that, doesn’t deserve some half ass effort just to keep our guilt satisfied. He deserves determination, people willing to do whatever it takes to bring him back and not letting anything get in the way of that. Now I know you Mikey, I know what Donnie expects from you. He knows that beyond everything else, you have potential to do great things. That’s why he trusted you with so many things, always taught you and kept your company while he worked. Are you really going to throw all of that away?”

Mikey chokes another sob and looks down, not able to look at his friend anymore. He shakes his head harshly, feeling like nothing would be better right now than crawling into a ball and dying himself.

April feels her heart tug at seeing little Mikey in this state, instantly feeling the instinct to pull him close as delicately as she can.

“Now, I know you’re not. You’re too brave to give up, and you love your brother too much. You’re hurting right now, and you’re scared, and you have every right to be. But you know that you can push past that, you can make it your second priority because the first is helping Donnie make it. Isn’t that right?” she whispers to him in the most soothing tone she could muster, affectionately rubbing small circles on his back.

Mikey weakly nods, involuntarily tightening his grip on April.

“Out of everyone we got in this house right now, if any of us are going to save Donnie I know it’s going to be you Michelangelo. You’ve been prepared for this day to come and I know you can do it. This is hard for me too, it’s difficult not to explode as it is. But we can do it together, for our Donnie. Does that sound like a plan?” she says, pulling back so he can look her straight in the eye.

His lip trembles for a moment more before he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes briefly, pressing his mouth into a straight line. “Yes April, I am ready.”

April lightly smiles in triumph, pulling the two of them up. “That’s the Mikey I know. We’re going to save Donnie; I just know it. Together?” she reaches her hand out for him and feels him lightly smile back as he inlocks her fingers in hers.

“Together. Thanks, big sister,” he says, as the two of them walk hand in hand into the infirmary.

April couldn’t help but shudder as she enters the room, ignoring all of the sound and commotion around her just for a moment. Her energy was focused on the smell, captivated by the scent of _home_ that welcomed her as she walked through the lab. It was the thick smell of him, the smell that was left on her bed after he had napped there, the smell that was in his neck every time she had hugged him, the smell that filled his lab every time he had first greeted her.

_The smell that remained in a specific bra of hers._

Yet when she walks past all of the memories, to the corner of the room where the injured lay, his beloved smell was replaced by the smell of blood and medical supply, and she can’t help but wince.

Her father and Master Splinter hovered urgently around the bed in the center, blocking its contents from her view. Raph sat on a chair directly in front of the bed with his nails pressed into his lips and his eyes practically bulging out of their sockets, while Leo paced back and forth in an incredibly ridiculous pace beside them while mumbling incoherent phrases of alarm.

None of them reacted to April and Mikey’s presence in the room, continuing whatever it was they were so busy doing.

“I’ve managed to hook up an IV system and heart monitor, that’s a good sign,” Kirby says, holding the pale green arm and adjusting the needles now stuck inside of it. When the damaged limb comes into April’s sight the light sobs return, her eyes glued to the nasty long gash that ran vertically down Donnie’s arm and the blood that continued to flow. Bloody towels surrounded their feet on the floor, and April could have never imagined that so much blood could come out of her best friend.

“Let us take a look and we’ll see what we could do,” Mikey says, making                 Raph rise to his feet in a panic.

“Mikey, I don’t want you to see this part. Sit on the other side of the room,” he commands.

“No, he knows what he’s doing. Donnie spent years teaching him this stuff, and he knows more than you’d think about what to do in this situation. Let Mikey check it out,” April responds.

“No disrespect to you April, but this shit has got you completely loopy. Have you ever met Mikey? He doesn’t know how to do this; Donnie will end up dead he’ll end up traumatized!” Raph yells.

“RAPHAEL! What did we discuss about control in this room? If you are going to let your emotions get the best of you, you will be asked to leave,” Master Splinter says, his headstrong son shrinking at the sudden reprimand.

“You’re going to have to trust me, to trust _Mikey_ , that we are the only chance Donnie’s got right now,” she says, her words cutting into his mind like a sword.

“You guys are going to have to stitch his wrists, and he’ll need a blood transfusion from someone who has a matching blood type. Do you guys keep records of your blood types?” Kirby asks.

“Yes, there’s a notepad in the top drawer with different codes and one has all of our blood types, as well as a few of our friends. Good thing we already tested this a while ago,” Mikey says, leaving for the drawer.

“What happens if none of us are compatible?” Raph asks in worry. Leo hadn’t interacted with anyone for a while now, but even he pauses from his mini breakdown as the words are spoken.

“Chances of that are slim, there’s enough of us here for at least one of us to have the same type,” Kirby reassures.

“You find it yet Mikey?” April calls back as Mikey skims through the ragged notepad.

“Yeah,” he says, eyes quickly skimming the carefully written data. “Apparently, we just barely made the cutoff. April’s the only one of us who shares a blood type with Donnie.”

April’s face lights up, and she had never been so happy to exist in her life.

“I’m going to go on a run to gather some medications that we are going to need for afterwards, and you guys are going to have to take care of the stitching and transfusion. Do you think you could do that?” Kirby says, preparing to leave as quickly as possible.

“Don taught me both stitching and transfusions a while ago, just in case of emergency situations like this. I need to train my focus though, so everyone’s gotta go out of here except for April because she needs to donate blood,” Mikey says.

“You’re fucking insane. You’re not going to get me out of here when my brother is dying, and I’m not gonna let you do this unsupervised! You’re out of your goddamn mind if you really think I’m just gonna walk out of here- “

“RAPHAEL!” the stern shout made the terrified teen freeze immediately, unable to continue his angry rambling.

“You will obey what is told to you, and you will do whatever it is required for your brother to heal. Michelangelo is our only chance right now and you are going to give trust to him whether you like it or not. You will leave with us now, and silence your angry words. We do not need any more hostility in our surrounding,” Master Splinter says, all of the patience missing as his words sting into his son.

Raph nods nervously, sweating and trembling as he begins to get off his chair to take his father’s hand. Once he is in reach, Master Splinter uses his other hand to pull in the unstable form of Leonardo, holding his two oldest sons as close as he can as he painfully walks away from his injured child.

“I am going to go into my room to set some prayers for your brother, and practice some new mantras for him,” Splinter tells Raphael, snuggling him before he lets go. “Please, take care of your older brother. I’m afraid this tragedy has brought him out of his right mind.”

“I’ll help him, don’t worry,” Raph whispers back as he returns the affection, an action rare in both participants unless they were in such unfortunate situations.

Raph waits until his father disappears into the darkness of his room to turn back at Leonardo, who was now staring at the wall and lightly banging his forehead against it.

“C’mon Leo, that ain’t gonna do anyone any good,” he says, but his words are completely disregarded.

“Leo, I’m not kidding around. We have enough shit to deal with right now for you to be throwing temper tantrums,” Raph says, trying to keep his expression hard as he kneels next to his brother.

“Leo…you’re better than this. Please, we need some leading right now,” Raph sighs, unable to look at his sibling again.

It was like those were the words that finally set Leo off, awoke him from his abrupt panic and brought him to a finality with the true pain crossing his mind.

He finally let out a long agonizing sob, pressing his forehead harshly against the wall as he let out the worse pain he had ever experienced.

Raph watched sadly as his older brother fell apart completely, unsure what to do next or how to comfort him.

“I di-didn’t even no-notice,” he coughs out, Raph laying his hand on top of his.

“None of us did, Leo. It’s a big shock but nobody can really blame themselves,” Raph replies.

“I’m hi-his ol-oldest bro-brother, I’m su-supposed to L-LEAD H-HIM! I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed. I’m letting Donnie fucking die,” he bursts out, and soon Raph is holding him tightly in his arms.

Usually, Raph would say something about how this self-blame thing is really getting old or how things weren’t always about Leo’s position, but for now he couldn’t do anything but rock his brother as the two of them comforted each other, whispering soothing things in his ear.

“I understand, big brother. All of us feel like we failed him, in a way we all did. But it wasn’t your fault and you can’t hate yourself like this. He still has a shot you know, at surviving this, and we’ll have a chance to make it all up to him,” Raph says.

“B-BUT WH-WHAT IF HE DOES-DOESN’T GET THAT CH-CHANCE? What if he’s al-already gone and every-everyone is just hiding us from the tr-truth,” Leo cries, burying his face into Raph’s chest at the thought.

“We both know that’s not true, they wouldn’t be going through all this trouble if he wasn’t going to make it. We have to stay strong Leonardo, have to look a lot tougher than we really are for the sake of everyone else. Look at us now, out here crying and whining while our baby brother is in there putting on a straight face and taking the pressure of saving Don’s life!” Raph exclaims.

Leo lets the words sink in, continuing to sob against Raph without sinking as his own self-loathing only increases. He had to be the worst older brother to ever exist.

“It’s going to be alright, Leo,” Raph says, the two leaning against the wall. “We are gonna have to believe that everything’s gonna be okay.”

From inside the room, Mikey and April hadn’t spoken of anything other than medical instructions. April was sitting beside the bed with a needle in her arm while she transferred the blood as Mikey carefully stitched up his brother’s wounds, taking up all of the determination and focus his mind had EVER used.

April stroked Donnie’s hand as gently as she could, silent tears seeping down her face as she stared at his sleeping body. His face was so pale and pained, captured in a slight grimace so you could tell how unpleasant he had truly felt. The color, light and warmth that had made up Donatello was draining by the minute, and even though his physical condition was becoming stable she knew that the boy they all loved was far from here.

“Looks like he’s going to make it, isn’t he?” April says, cuddling his hand as close to her as possible.

“Seems that way, since we got to him in time and had all of the supplies set up,” Mikey says, finishing the last round of stitching.

“He’s going to be so proud when he hears what you’ve done, Mikey. He’ll be the proudest big brother in the world,” she says.

Mikey smiles lightly but it quickly fades away, more worries crossing his mind. “Isn’t it going to be weird, when he wakes up?”

April pauses for a moment in consideration, thinking of all of the horrors they may face when Donnie returns to consciousness. “No doubt it’s going to be hard, and for a while. But Donnie’s strong, and all of us are strong too, and I know we could get through this.”

Mikey smiles lazily, ecstatic at the revelation of Donnie’s survival but fearsome of what their reality will become. “I sure hope so.”

April leans in a little to rest her face in the crook of Donnie’s neck, hoping he can somehow sense her light affections in his unconsciousness. A chill runs through her body as she finds the familiar scent of his neck, now deranged by the smell of blood and death scares but still recognizable. Still making her feel like home.

“We’ll be home again soon, Donnie,” she whispers to him. “I promise.”


	4. I've had my wake-up, Won't you wake up?

Splinter sat alone in the infirmary, his hand wrapped tightly around the chilled limp one of his son. April and Mikey had finished doing what they could to help Donnie and had interrupted Splinter’s meditation to tell him that Donnie was going to survive. Upon hearing those words, the distressed father felt as if gallons of poison were released from his soul, freeing him of a heavy despair that he feared he would never escape. Upon hearing the news, he had only announced that he would now like to sit with Donatello alone and kissed Mikey’s temple on his way out.

 Kirby O’Neil had delivered the medications that would be needed and had returned home, telling April to keep him updated. She and Mikey had remained inseparable throughout the whole thing and had now joined Raph and Leo, the four distraught teens finding solace in each other. That left the poor father with his damaged child, taking a moment of his own to stay with him.

For twenty minutes now, the man had sat in a chair with his hand tightly holding Donatello’s and his eyes rested on his child’s sleeping face, unshed tears sitting there. He hadn’t been able to move his glance from Donatello’s form, finding the highest form of comfort by every beep that came from the heart monitor. Once one becomes a parent, they understand that there is no fear or pain greater than the thought of losing a child. When his child was the one who did it to himself, who felt lost and unloved enough to take themselves away from life, it only made that pain multiplied.

Whenever one of his boys wound up unconscious in the medical infirmary, it was typical from a battle that had gone too far or when an enemy struck a lucky hit. All of those times, Splinter had stroked his son’s forehead while his sadness streaked with anger, hatred at whoever had harmed his child. This time, there was no one to blame other than himself, he and those around him, who had failed to save Donatello from these demons.

Seeing his child lying unconscious with cords hooked up to him and stitched wrists, Splinter had never hated anything more than he hated himself.

Although he hadn’t ever told anyone and tries to never recall the time himself, the man knew what it was to be hopeless enough to wish for death. He remembered a time where he too was questioning whether his existence should continue and whether he should end it.

Almost seventeen years ago, Hamato Yoshi had lost everything he ever had. The only things that he loved and cherished were ripped away from him, all at once. He was alone in the world, no family or loved ones on his side. His wife and daughter were gone, his parents were gone, his brother wanted him dead. The only choice he had was to flee the place he had grown up in, escape the village that he so fiercely loved for the past 26 years of his existence.

During the months that he lived in New York by himself, there was no time when the man had been more hopeless. He lived alone with nothing to care for, nothing to do other than sleep and eat every day. He had no one to talk to, no reasons to continue living.

The only reason he decided to buy pets in the first place was so he would have something to care for, some kind of light responsibility to keep at least one purpose to his life.

Never did he expect that he would be adopting four baby sons.

He had been reckless when he followed that shady man into the alley, knowing that his life would be on the line. Truth was, it may be an excuse to finally escape with a little more honor, the excuse of being killed when trying to protect the city rather than dying due to giving into heartache.

When that substance had first hit his skin, the burning more intense than any pain he has felt before, he thought that it was his final moment. In all honesty, he was happy with the fact that he was going, that he would be reunited with his family and would no longer have to wallow in his grief.

After discovering the alternative outcome, one that he never would have imagined, his acceptance melted away really quick. Upon first seeing that his hands had become paws, the black fur covering his body and the tail dragging behind him, he decided it would be easiest to end in then and there. And just as he was slinking away into the darkness, intentions of slitting his throat with the broken glass that had broken off the canister, he was halted by the cry of an infant.

You couldn’t imagine his shock when he had noticed the mutant infants, the tiny beings that his pets had been reborn into. He recalled Leo holding Mikey with Raph sheltering them, trying to protect his brothers. The only one who didn’t hide in the protective huddle was Donatello, who had begun crawling over in curiosity.

When Yoshi had picked the baby up, his cries automatically silenced as he is pressed against his chest, a surge of love shot through him that he thought he would never feel again.

When he had taken those babies as his own, soon loving them as his own sons and raising and protecting them from this evil world, a giant hole in his heart was filled forever. His little ones had given him reason to live again, an importance stronger than none he could ever imagine. Without him, the innocents would be subjected to a lifetime of suffering from those who didn’t understand. No one would be there to keep such precious children alive.

All starting with the curiosity of infant Donatello as he crawled into Splinter’s arms.

Yet there he was, one of the children who had given him reason to live again, feeling the same type of haunting despair, attempting to take his life. If he had lost his son, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to go on.

Seeing the boy so small and sick made him want to take him away from this entire world and hold him close, never letting him out of his grasp. Every parent wishes they could shelter their child from the world and its evils, especially when the world would be particularly unfair to his own. Once the world turns back at them, hurting them in the way you spent all of your life fearing, it was a pain so surreal that it couldn’t ever possibly even be explained.

Splinter hums an old lullaby that he had sung to the boys as children as he strokes his son’s face, his finger sliding delicately across the solemn face. A single tear drops down as he continues to stroke his boy, hoping that somehow, his unconditional love can be felt.

“I am sorry, my son,” he whispers. “I have failed you as a father. I didn’t do enough for you to understand how much I love you, and now I suffer the consequences. You are so intelligent and kind and beautiful, my Donnie-Bo. You are a wonderful young man and you deserve to be happy. I will bleed myself dry for you to be happy. I have done you wrong and I will never forgive myself. I am sorry, my son.”

Splinter swears he feels a slight squeeze to his hand, his son burrowing his face further into his neck. After Donnie had stirred he still did not awaken, but he had reacted to his father’s words.

A small smile spread across Splinter’s face, kissing the top of Donnie’s head and snuggling closer to him.

“Sensei?” the small voice comes from the other side of the door, Splinter slightly raising his head.

“Come in, Michelangelo,” he replies, his youngest carefully sliding in and kneeling on the other side of Donnie’s bed.

“How is he?” Mikey asks, running a finger up his brother’s arm.

“Seems to be same progress, but he stirred just a moment ago. I believe it will not be a very long time until he awakens. Why have you left the others?” Splinter replied.

“Everybody was really messed up and at first we were all just hugging each other and crying and stuff. Then Raph bursts up and says he’s gotta get out of here, that he’ll be back soon but needed to take a run topside. Leo went into the dojo to try and meditate and April went into Donnie’s room to take a moment for herself,” Mikey explains.

“And they are all safe to be on their own, yes?” he asks, feeling most certain fear of anyone being alone at this time.

“Yeah, I think so. It’s all just been a lot and they needed to sort their thoughts, since this came so suddenly. Raph will be fine, you know how he always runs off when he’s upset. Same thing with Leo and meditating,” Mikey continues.

“That is understandable. As we know this time is…most troubling,” Splinter says.

Mikey gets up from his place and scoots onto the side where Splinter is, sitting in a tight ball near Donnie’s legs.

“Sensei…what are we gonna do when Donnie wakes up? How are gonna know how to help him and make him get better?” Mikey asks.

“Just as we saved him physically, we will have to make do with the skills that we already have. You have shown most potential Michelangelo; your determination assures hope for your brother. You have been very brave.”

Mikey smiles, gazing at Donnie once more. “Do you think he’ll be proud of me, Sensei?”

Splinter feels a rage of sadness and affection shoot through him again, and he wishes he could wrap his baby from all darkness’s in the world. Much like he had failed to do for Donatello.

He slides off Donnie and onto his knees, holding open his arms for Michelangelo to crawl inside. Mikey immediately reacts to the motion and cuddles tightly into his father, burying his face into his fur.

“He will be most very proud of you, my son.”

-

April had wrapped herself into the blankets of Donnie’s bed, pushing her face into his pillow with silent tears streaming down her face. She had never been in Donnie’s room more than a couple of times, since he spent a lot more time in his lab. His room was relatively small, only containing a few special belongings and his bed. April admired each of his things like they were the most precious jewels she would ever see, all a part of her Donnie. The drawings he had kept that Mikey had made over the years, his first blueprints or plans for fun inventions, stuffed animals or toys he had kept from childhood. There was large scattering of photos, containing a variety of Donnie with each of his inventions, he and his brothers, training milestones, he and April.

Now she had the selfie that the two of them had once taken, Donnie making a silly face and April laughing on the side, and she held it as close to her chest as was humanly possible. She couldn’t keep her eyes off of it, wondering how things have gone so quickly.

That was when she noticed the pieces of paper scattered along the small desk. Curiosity getting the best of her, she couldn’t help but get up and take a view at them.

_“I always thought life was so interesting. I am so fascinated by each of the atoms and fibers that make up the complexity of this existence, of what we have. I strive to make the world a better place, to protect this piece of art that has been left here. So why is it that I’m starting to hate living so badly? Maybe it isn’t that I hate living, but that I hate myself. I am only an error, the aftermath of an accident, an abomination that is not built to exist in this world. So why should I?”_

_“I loved mirrors because they are quite interesting in purpose but I hate them because they allow me to see myself. I hate my skin and my body and hands. Every time I see myself, I am reminded that I am a miscalculation, a product of a reject batch. No one would ever love a faulty creation.”_

_“My family is the only thing I ever had. We were all apart of each other, all making each other live. But they do so much better without me. I never fit in, was always an extra piece of my brothers that they could always do without. I am a misfit even in family, where else is there to go?”_

_“I don’t understand. I thrive off of my knowledge and I find it so easy to understand but this I will never comprehend. Does she love me? Am I an experiment, a test or a dare for fun? Why did she make me think she loves me, why did she make love with me only to disregard me afterwards? What does this mean? Why am I so in love with the torture that she gives me?”_

_“I hate the sick feelings of loving to see my own blood. It makes me comforted to rip my skin and I love to see the blood that comes out, to feel the warmth pour from my body. It reminds me I am a living thing, and I am in power of myself. Am I psychotic? Am I too dangerous to be around my family?”_

_“I’m going to do it tomorrow night. I am finally going to be free, to escape here. They are going to hurt for a minute, then they are going to be better. They are going to have a life free of me, a life that is good. I will not hold back the team, my selfishness will not hold back April, she will finally be able to be happy. I will finally be gone. I will disappear like a brush to the wind and I will become a part of the stars, a contribution to this creation that I always did appreciate.”_

Those were only six out of hundreds of the short entries written on the papers, some of the papers distorted by either tear stains or dried blood. April threw down the papers and burst into tears, unable to read anymore. She rushes back to the bed and wraps the blanket back around herself as she sobs, trying to believe that somehow all of this could be one sick nightmare.

She hated herself for what she had done to Donnie. She was so selfish and thoughtless and now it had resulted into this. She had feelings for her best friend for a long time, but she was always too afraid to accept them. With all of the chaos going on in her life, she didn’t want to add a relationship to complicate it all. She wasn’t ready to accept everything and was just taking time to sort things out before making drastic decisions. The night Donnie came over and they had been drinking, she didn’t have the right mind to stop herself and she had given into her feelings. She had done what she had always wanted to do, express her love for her Donatello. In the morning, when she realized what had been done, she panicked immensely and feared that things would never be the same. She hoped that forgetting it had ever happened would prevent things from changing again.

Now, look what she had done. She had manipulated his feelings and led him to suicide.

It was in that moment, while she stared at Donnie’s smiling photographs and melted into his scent off of the blanket and pillows, that April decided she would be the one to fix this.

-

Raph ran through the streets as fast as he could, unsure of where he aimed to go but sure that it needed to be far away from here. Every time that he felt he was going to explode he tried to run away, tried to prevent his emotions from taking control. This time around, he wasn’t sure if he had ever felt so distraught. Not ever on his late night runs, anyway.

He couldn’t quite comprehend what had happened, but his heart completely understood the cold hard facts.

 _His little brother Donnie had tried to kill himself._  

The blunt fact caused the teen to collapse where he stood and break into sobs, tucking his face into his knees. Raph knew that crying all by himself wouldn’t do any good in the long run, that he needed to talk to someone. He needed someone to comfort him, to hold him and make him think that everything was going to be alright.

Raph reached for his phone and began to dial his best friend, praying to God that he would answer the phone.

He felt himself let go of his breath when the phone was answered, Casey’s tired voice surging through it. “Raph dude it’s 5:49 in the morning. What gives?”

“Ca-Case,” Raph tries to say, mustering the strength to hold a conversation.

Casey immediately became alert at his best friend’s sobbing voice, the voice of the Raph who hardly ever cried. “Whoa buddy, you crying? What’s wrong?”

“I ne-need you to come he-here. I’m on 37th al-alley,” Raph says.

“I’ll be there in 5, hang in there,” Casey says, hanging up and bursting out of bed, anxiety surging through him. There was no telling what could have happened, and to make Raph cry like that, it must have been something bad.

Casey ran up to the alley as fast as he could, noticing Raph balled up in a corner. “Raph?! I’m here dude, what’s wrong? Are ya hurt?” Casey says, sliding next to Raph and examining him for injury.

Raph fiercely wipes his eyes and takes a deep breath, looking into Casey’s concerned eyes. “It’s D-Don,” he starts.

“Don? What about Don? Is he okay?” Casey urges.

“He tri-tried to kill himself,” Raph finishes, and Casey gasps.

“Wh-what?” he replies, trying to get through the shock in order to comfort his hand.

“Was watching a movie with Fearless, all the sudden Mikey starts screaming for help. So we run to the bathroom where it was coming from and we see Don and _oh god, Case._ His wrists were slit and there was so much fucking blood, all over him and all over Mikey. April gave him blood and Mike stitched him up and he’s gonna be okay but Casey, my little brother tried to kill himself!” Raph exclaims and collapses into Casey’s arms, sobbing into his shoulder.

Casey holds Raph close to him and rubs his back, eyes wide with shock. “Shh Raph…it’s gonna be okay. Don’s gonna be okay. He’s smart enough to get through this and we can all help him get better!” he comforts.

Casey has a feeling that is unfamiliar to him, one that hurt the inside of his heart. Was it sorrow? Was it pain for Donnie? The one that he had once hated, now causing pain to his heart?

The two are interrupted as Raph’s phone begins to ring, the face of his baby brother appearing on the screen.

“Mi-Mikey,” he answers, pushing away his tears. “I told you I wanna be alone right now.”

“You gotta come home, Raphie,” Mikey answers, “Donnie’s waking up.”


	5. Broken Glass Windows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much to all of you who reviewed – reviews mean the world to me and always brighten my day. They are what encourages me to continue writing here, and I really appreciate it! Especially since I’m pretty young and still getting my experience with writing, and this is my first multi chapter for this fandom. And again, I’m sorry for any medical inaccuracies. I did all the research I could but my medical knowledge extends only to the high school sophomore that I am.   
> And one more thing – before I end up getting any offended viewers, I will give one last fair warning. As a writer, I enjoy dark style. Yes, that includes the basics, such as the angst and sadness that comes out of the storylines, but I also tend to make storylines as scandalous as possible. That being said, this story WILL feature some more controversial topics – heavy language, underage sex (nothing graphic, but still very much there), underage drinking/drug use, an abusive parent and a predator. This will all come throughout with the other characters, because Donnie’s demons will become the root (or in some cases, the antidote) of everyone else’s. If you can’t handle mature content, (it isn’t TOO mature, this is still rightfully rated T) then back out now  Thanks again, all the love!

Every cell accelerated through his body when he felt the heavy twitch of Donnie’s arm, immediately awakening him. Michelangelo’s eyes widen to the size of balloons as he shook his father awake, excitement causing his grasp to tremble.

“Sensei!” he urged, the man’s eyes shooting into alertness at his son’s voice, panic seizing his heart. “What is the matter, my son?”

“It’s Donnie, he’s been twitching and stirring a lot! I think he’s waking up!” Mikey exclaims, and Splinter puts his youngest son off of his lap and beside him so that he could examine Donatello.

Surely enough, the boy was showing that he could regain consciousness any moment, and although his face was obviously distressed it was the best news Splinter had ever gotten.

Even knowing that he would survive, he hadn’t expected his son to wake up so quickly. He fully suspected the possibility that he would be unconscious for a few more days, rather than nearly waking only about six hours since the act had been done.

“Quickly, alert your brothers and have them all come here immediately,” Splinter says, and Mikey jets out of the room as quickly as possible.

He first runs into the dojo, seeing Leo on his knees with tears still streaming along his cheeks, trying desperately to successfully meditate.

“Leo,” he says, carefully approaching his oldest brother and shaking his shoulder. He didn’t want to frighten him out of meditation.

“I need some alone time right now, Michelangelo,” he says, and his voice may be the most pathetic thing Mikey’s ever heard. His oldest brother, the one who’s voice is so strong and powerful and commanding, now weak and broken and hardly even above a whisper.

“Sensei says we all have to get to the infirmary right now, Donnie’s starting to wake up,” he says, and Leo’s face drains of the little color it had left. Mikey gives his shoulder one more squeeze and gives him a weak smile of encouragement, knowing that he has to alert everyone else and get back to the infirmary before having time to comfort Leo.

After calling Raph, Mikey goes inside Donnie’s room, having to take a deep breath to have the energy to enter. April was hardly even visible on Donnie’s bed, her body wrapped into a tiny ball with the blanket covering her and her face stuffed into the pillow.

Mikey felt a pang of sadness, walking slowly over and resting his hand on her back. April slightly winces at the touch, but doesn’t acknowledge his presence.

“April, you gotta get up now. It’s Donnie, he’s gonna wake up!” Mikey says.

April unravels herself and quickly sits up, her hair a sloppy mess around her bloodshot eyes. “He’s what?” she asks, a crack in her voice.

“Seriously, Sensei said to get everybody in there now, it’s really happening. I know you’re nervous, I am too, but we have to be there when he opens his eyes,” Mikey says.

April sighs deeply, looking down to the slightly bent photograph in her fingers then back up at the baby blue hurt eyes in front of her.

“Okay Mikey,” she says, setting the photo under the pillow. “Let’s go see Donnie.” The two link arms as the exit the room and walk to the infirmary.

Once they arrive, they find that the door is shut and Leo is sitting on the outside, digging his face deep into his knees.

“Why aren’t you inside?” Mikey asks, kneeling down to his brother.

“Sensei says that Donnie will need a little space, that crowding can instigate a panic attack or something. He will tell us when Donnie is fully conscious and then we first have to visit him one at a time,” he explains, and if Mikey didn’t know him so well he wouldn’t even be able to understand him. His voice sounded the way someone did when they were very ill with strep throat, or after they had been stabbed. Leonardo had never been so _god damn_ small, and Mikey didn’t understand how the one who always stood so tall was now no bigger than a kicked puppy, hiding in the corner with his tail between his legs.

“Okay Leo,” Mikey says, trying to make his voice sound as soothing and calm as possible. He and April slide on both sides of Leo, both concerned by his demeanor.

Leo did not reply further, just continued to stare forward and tremble violently, appearing as if he was going to break into tiny pieces at any given second. Mikey wraps Leo’s arm around himself and snuggles into his older brother’s chest while April rests her head on his shoulder, gripping his hand.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Casey and Raph remained actionless for a few moments after the phone had disconnected, Raph snuggling into Casey for a moment as his sobs began to weaken. Casey had heard what Mikey said on the phone and knew that Raph needed to be home _now,_ but he wouldn’t budge off of him and he didn’t think moving him would be a good idea at all.

“C’mon buddy, your family needs you, they’re waiting for you to come home,” Casey says, in the most soothing tone that he has, tones that he and Raph had probably never shown to each other.

“I’m _scared_ ,” Raph mumbles into Casey’s sleeve so that only the vibration of his voice could be heard.

“What is it, Raph?” Casey asks, pulling Raph’s face up.

“I’m scared, Casey. How am I gonna go back in that room, especially when he’s waking up now? How am I gonna face my brother after he did that?” Raph asks.

“Just the same ya faced him every other time before, the way you’ve faced any of your brothers when they’re down on that bed. You do just exactly that, and we’ll see what we could do to fix him up from there,” Casey said.

“He tried to kill himself, he literally intentionally tried to fucking die. Even after this is happening to all of us, after all of the pain its caused. All of the pain _he_ caused. Why would he do that to us?” Raph asks.

“People always have their reasons. Sometimes there’s things you never know about a person, really bad things. Things that cause them to do stuff like that. I’m not Donnie so I can’t tell you his but I’m sure he has some, some twisted logic that convinced him to do that,” Casey explains.

“Well I’d love to hear them,” Raph says, the sadness in his voice slowly morphing into anger.

“And you never will if you don’t get your ass home. Sorry Raph but I’ve got to get you down there, whether you like it or not,” Casey says.

Raph sighs in defeat, stepping up with his friend. “Yeah, I know. You’re right. I’ve got to make sure he’s okay. You just gotta promise to stay in the lair with me, alright?”

“Of course. I’ll always be there for whatever you need, for whatever you guys need,” Casey replies as the two boys begin walking in the direction of the sewers.

A small smirk grows on Raph’s face. “Since when did you become so serious?”

Casey lightly giggles back. “I can be when I’ve got to be, only at the best of times.”

“Sometimes, there’s things you never know about a person.”

When Raph re-entered the lair, he couldn’t see the difference from when he had left it. Leo, Mikey and April were all in a sad huddle on the floor and the horrible toxic silence still radiated.

“I thought he was waking up,” Raph says, the only things that made them acknowledge him. They don’t react to Casey’s presence, assuming that’s who Raph ran off with anyways.

“He is. Splinter is helping him wake up, and then we have to see him one at a time,” Mikey replies.

Raph scowls and sits on the other side of the wall, Casey sitting behind him.

“I heard everything that happened. How you guys putting up?” Casey says.

“To be totally honest, I can’t think of a time where we’ve ever been worse,” Mikey sighs, and Casey frowns.

“Hey Red,” he says, sliding next to April and lightly raising her chin. “You okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” she says, sliding her finger down his hand.

Casey knew that the bond between April and Donnie was very special. Of course, he thought she was beautiful and she was one of his favorite people alive, and he would love to have something more than a friendship with her. That was the problem between he and Donnie in the beginning, and even when they had gotten to know each other more it had always caused tension to be there. Yet eventually Casey had figured everything out – he and April were friends, great friends, but she really felt something for Donnie. It was obvious in the way that her words sounded or the body language she had, that whether she knew it or not she had feelings for that boy. April and Donnie had a very special bond between them and as he spent more and more time with them, Casey had come to accept that.

Donnie wasn’t his _favorite_ person in the world, but he was a good person and he was his friend and he didn’t deserve this.

Mikey moved off of Leo for a moment and slid closer to Raph, gesturing for him to lean closer.

“I’m actually pretty worried about Leo,” he whispered. “He can’t talk right and he keeps shaking and paling, but I didn’t know what to do really.”

Raph nods solemnly, staring at his older brother as Mikey leans back.

Just ten hours ago, it had been a relaxing Saturday night and now his entire family was broken and torn to pieces.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Pain.

That was the only word that could run through his mind, through all of his aching thoughts and the scattered hurricane inside his brain. All he knew was that it was still dark, yet he was slowly starting to feel everything again and feeling had never hurt so bad. The striking pain of his body was contrasting the continued hollowness of his mind, leaving him nothing but a withering shell.

He couldn’t exactly remember what had happened or why he was here – all that he knew was that he wanted whatever all of this was to _go away_ , and he wanted to melt back into the eternal black hole that he was leaning into before. Why was he feeling so dizzy? Why couldn’t he see, but suddenly he could feel? Why did he feel like he wasn’t even in a body, yet could feel the true pain of the wounds in his flesh?

It took opening his eyes, something that felt like lifting 500 pounds on both sides and was quite blurry and unfocused at first, for Donatello to remember what had happened.

“Fuck, I’m still alive,” was the first thing that came out of his mouth, and hearing his own voice brought him back to reality, all of the bitterness once again swarming throughout his soul. Only this time, it was quite more intense in a different way, more resentment filling way of the hopelessness. He had tried to escape, and it had failed. He was a failure, unsuccessful at something he had constantly contemplated for months, and now he had to deal with the consequences.

The first thing he noticed was his father, who was kneeling on the bed and leaning in front of him. The amber eyes were focused at his own, his mouth slightly open and two narrow trails of tears flowing down his face. The next thing he noticed was the needles in his arm, the heart monitor beside him, the many bandages that blanketed his skin and the straight lines of stitches that went up his arms.

Donnie almost froze in fear, wondering how to react to his father or to all of this happening. The fear quickly turned away, his face transforming into a glare.

_I tried to leave, I tried to do ONE good thing that would make everything better, for them and myself. They took that away from me, forcing me to stay in this wretched dimension when they have already proven my existence to be uncalled for. They’re being cruel and they’re tying me down from my escape._

“My ch-child,” Splinter says, slowly raising one hand to caress his son’s cheek. Donnie’s expression doesn’t fathom, his body still stiff to the bed.

“I was so afraid,” Splinter says, and he collapses in sobs on Donnie’s legs. It is hard for Donnie not to comfort him, because even when he is furious that is still his father and he hates to see his family cry.

And Donnie isn’t able to reply, only letting Splinter cry on him, allowing him to kiss his face.

“I love you so much, Donatello. If you were to leave me, I would be unable to survive the heartache. You are one of the parts to my entire universe, and the fact that I haven’t shown you how loved you are being all at my fault. I love you, my child. I love you and I will not ever forget to tell you again,” Splinter cries, trying his best to get around the cords and cradle Donnie close to his chest like an infant.

Donnie still doesn’t reply, his mouth pressed into a straight line and his eyes focusing on the wall instead of his broken parent.

Splinter sits up a little, taking both of his son’s cheeks in his hands so that he is making direct eye contact. The chills zip up his spine as he looks into the brown eyes of his child, the eyes that always held so much thought and love and complexity behind them. Now only broken windows, and even though the eye contact was direct it was almost as if Donnie was looking past him, disregarding his presence entirely.

“I didn’t want to cause any havoc for you, so everyone has agreed to stay outside of the room until you were ready to have visitors. Are you ready to see your brothers?”

Donnie still doesn’t reply, and the rejection is amplifying more to the broken father’s pain.

“Michelangelo was the one who took care for you. He was the one who performed the transfusions, and stitched up your injuries. Aren’t you proud of him, after everything that you’ve taught him?” Splinter says.

Donnie’s eyes widen at this, lost in more thought. Mikey had _saved_ him? His goofy little brother who couldn’t ever do his math homework right had correctly done the medical procedures to save a life?

The thought seemed beyond him, but it had obviously been true.

“April was the one to donate blood. Her father brought us the medications that we didn’t already have,” Splinter continues.

Donnie freezes again, suddenly stricken with terror. April was _here_? She had seen him in this state, she was a major part of the medical procedure?!

“I don’t wish to speak with anyone, Sensei,” Donnie finally says, his voice drained completely of any emotion evident.

“You are not forced to engage in conversation, or do anything outside of your own pace. Yet you must allow everyone to see you briefly, they were terrified for you,” Splinter explains.

When Splinter looks at his son again, the child seeming like a blank card yet continuing to shake and tremble in fear, he can only lean down and hold him again.

This was going to be a nightmare. Especially when the drugs would ware off, when his son would escape the shock of what happened and truly break into his negative emotions.

“It is time, my son,” Splinter says, praying to the ancestors that someone would help him and his other children during what was to come next. “It is time to see the others.”

 


	6. Destroy - Recreate

Despite their usual constant obedience of anything that Master Splinter ordered them to do, the five teens completely disregarded his requests as soon as the door creaked open.

Or, perhaps, Raphael had disobeyed when he pushed right past his father and went straight into the infirmary, only to be immediately followed by everyone else.

Splinter groaned a bit at the disobedience, when he had told them directly that he wanted them to visit one at a time, but couldn’t find it in his heart to scold them or push them away from Donatello. 

Yet once they had entered, when the six flushed faces were staring back at the weak one in the bed, all of them decided they had never understood the true meaning of _awkward_ until this moment. The air seemed to be sinking them to the ground with its heavy weight as their glances remained glued in only one place, and Donatello’s glance didn’t even seem to exist at all. His copper eyes were foggy portals to an eternity of emptiness, and actually staring at them to see no life in return was _terrifying_.

With all of the monsters they were used to facing and all of the courage they had seemed to develop, no one had the bravery to speak in this moment, to free themselves from the painful frozen time frame. It was like they were all aching for someone to just do _something_ , but no one felt that they could handle doing it themselves.

Mikey took a deep gulp in his throat and let a spark of determination replace the terror in his eyes, reminding himself that there isn’t a thing in this entire universe that would make him fear talking to his big brother. He knew that he had to be brave for his family, that he would have to keep them all together as they went through this.

“Donnie,” he says, his voice dry from all the crying and the previous moments of silence, “Hey buddy.”

Mikey reluctantly walks from his place near the door to the side of Donnie’s bed, letting his eyes drift slowly to the ground. Donnie feels the stinging in his body increase as he hears the weak voice of his little brother, and he doesn’t even have it in him to look at him.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to face his family, to still be pathetically existing. He couldn’t look at any of them when they all knew what he had done. He wouldn’t try to explain himself and he wouldn’t succumb to whatever they tell him. He was going to do it again, but now he had to deal with the moments of communicating with his family after he had done this to them.

He knew exactly how Mikey hated blood, and how he always cried when he ever saw his brothers hurt. Yet Mikey was the one to see him in that state, _to stitch him back to normal._ How could he face him after he had made him do that?

His entire body jumped when he felt a hand against his, and he had to turn his face to look at the beholder when Mikey just wouldn’t keep squeezing. As soon as the eye contact was made, the young boy’s lip quivered and he jumped into Donnie’s bed, sobbing heavily and burying his face in Donnie’s chest.

“I love you, D-Donnie,” he whispered, fearing that if he let go of his brother now he would lose him forever. Donnie looked down at him with his blurry glass eyes and could only stare, softly rubbing a finger along Mikey’s forehead. How could his possibly explain to the kid that they were all better off without him? Mikey would never understand, even though it was what’s best for him. For everybody.

Leo sulks over next, the image of him the first thing to make Donnie blink. At first, he thought the way he saw Leo was a side effect of the meds; there was no way this was his older brother. His eyes were dropping from their sockets, bloodshot with heavy dark undercoats hanging below them. He was shaky and so very small, struggling with all of his might just to get one word out.

Leo presses his hands against his face and takes a deep breath, trying his best to regain himself. He was leader, and even though he did a poor job at it he had to be the one to take care of things.

“Donnie,” he says, his tone almost foreign to the others, “We need to have a talk.”

Donnie takes a second to look around, observing everyone’s place. Mikey was in bed with him and cuddling tightly to his chest, while Leo was kneeling beside him and Splinter was on the other side. Raph was barely in front of the door way, hanging tightly onto Casey’s arm and April had her knees pulled in the corner, her eyes barely visible as she buried her face.

“What is there to talk about?” Donnie responds, his voice lacking any feeling at all.

“You know what there is to talk about, Donatello. Why did you do this?” Leo asks.

“I don’t seem to recall what you’re talking about, big brother,” says Donnie, and Leo visibly flinches.

_C’mon Donnie. Don’t do this to me._

Raph suddenly breaks free from Casey’s grasp, bolting to the foot of the bed and holding onto the frame tightly for support. “Oh, quit the fucking act. You know exactly what you did. You slit your god damn wrists and tried to kill yourself. You deliberately tried to die and almost succeeded, and tore everyone that loves you apart. You made your father nearly have a stroke of grief, broke our older brother, forced the kid to find you all bloody and lifeless and then have to save your life. You gave April the burden of having your life in her hands and had her and her father rush over here in the middle of the night, spending a large amount of cash on medical supplies to save your ass. Not to mention Casey, who you were always kind of a dick to, had come over here in the middle of the night as well so we could all make sure you’re okay. Then when you _are,_ when we gave you the chance to fix all the shit you caused, you actually have the fucking _nerve_ to act like nothing is wrong. So I’m gonna ask you one more time Donatello, and you better come up with a real fucking answer – why did you do this to us?”

Donnie is silent for a moment, trying think of how any words in the universe could explain to his family why he didn’t belong here. He knew they deserved the explanation, they deserved to understand. Now that his plan didn’t work exactly like he thought it would, he was the one that has to tell them.

“I was only doing what was best. What you guys need to be happy.”

It was only one sentence that finally broke through to Raphael, that pushed all of his weeping and fear into a swarm of the very familiar sensation of rage.

“What was _best_? What was fucking _best_? Did those words really just come out of your mouth? LOOK AT US, DONATELLO! DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS WHAT’S BEST?” he yells, angry tears streaking rapidly down his cheeks. He couldn’t even possible comprehend how the broken mess that this family was could be good in any possible way.

“You don’t understand, Raphael. There aren’t any words I can say to make you understand. It’s going to be hard for a while but later it’s going to be better. You guys fit together perfectly without me, and if I wasn’t in the picture than you guys would have the perfect life,” he replies.

Mikey looks up in horror, feeling like his entire heart was disintegrating. “What in the _world_ made you think that, Donnie?”

“Just imagine it. I always was the worst fighter, and now there will be no liability risks for the team. I never fit in with you guys, and I was always the odd one out. April doesn’t have to pretend to love me out of pity and she and Casey can be together without me ruining it all. There would be no tension in the team and you guys would live happily ever after. It isn’t very difficult to understand,” Donnie tries to explain.

It was after that when all of the voices went off at once, all raging in defense.

“Donnie, don’t you understand? There is no us without you. If you were gone, we would all fall apart. I would die a thousand times to keep you alive and if you are killing yourself, you are killing me too,” Leo says, hot tears falling again as well.

“I am not worth that much to any of you, just a casualty in your own lives. You’re obviously going to try to keep me alive because if you let me go without a fight, you would die of guilt. I don’t want the pity and I don’t want the lies, I just want to finally do one goddamn thing in my life that feels right,” Donnie says, beginning to shake as anger grows inside of him.

“What have I done wrong, Donatello? What have I done to make you hate yourself so much?” Leo asks, in a weak broken voice, but the painful emotions of his brothers are no longer seen to Donnie.

“Everything, Leo. I never felt that you guys loved me and you all only used me to do things for you. _Donnie, can you fix this? Donnie, can you make that?_ Never once in my fucking life did someone actually do something for me, other than constantly making me feel horrible about myself. Making it so obvious how different I was from you guys, how I would never truly fit in. How when I finally got something that made me happy, it would never work out because I am never going to be anything more than a freak. So I don’t want to hear anymore lies from any of you, because you and I both know _exactly_ why I did this. It was never that you weren’t good enough for me, but that I was never good enough for you,” Donnie snaps out.

Leo only stares at Donnie, his entire body shaking in place as his younger brother’s words play over and over inside his head.

_You failed, Leonardo. If your brother kills himself, it isn’t going to be his fault. It’s going to be yours._

Leo starts whimpering a little and instantly shoots around, darting out of the room as fast as he can. The sound of his sobs increases as it fades, until they hear him run out of the lair and far off into the sewers.

“You fucking ASSHOLE!” Raph screams, attempting to launch on top of Donatello. Casey and Splinter immediately pull onto his arms as Mikey shields Donnie, keeping the middle brothers apart.

“Calm down, my son!” Splinter shouts, but his plea is completely disregarded.

“I can’t believe you just fucking said that. You selfish son of a bitch. You’re breaking us apart! You just made Fearless fucking run away crying! Did it ever occur to you once that pulling shit like this would destroy this family? Did you ever even care about us in the first place? How could you try to leave us! You only care about yourself!” Raph screams, close to breaking into sobs himself.

“You could say the same about yourself, since you’re trapping me in a world I want to escape. I don’t want to live anymore, Raphael! I can’t take it and as soon as I get the chance I’m going to do it again! Go take care of your own problems and get the hell out of mine!” Donnie shouts back.

Raph stops raging and stares in disbelief, his eyes feeling with deepest sense of cold he had ever felt. He shakes his head slowly, hoping Donnie felt the venom in every word. “I fucking hate you.”

Raph doesn’t say anything more as he casually walks out of the room, Casey shaking his head and quickly following behind him. Splinter places his face in his hands, wondering how he could ever mend this damage that had been caused.

“He doesn’t mean it, Donnie,” Mikey says, holding Donnie’s face in his hands. “You know how Raphie gets when he’s lost, when his feelings are all over the place. You have to understand how painful this is for us, to see you like this,” Mikey continues, nuzzling his face against Donnie’s cheek.

“I could care less if he means it. I mean what I said and sorry for the inconvenience but it won’t be long until I do it again. Hopefully, you guys will have enough sense not to bring me back this time,” Donnie says.

April finally stands, not being able to take it anymore. She had been sitting in silence this entire time, trying to figure out how to put together what she could possibly do this fix this. _She_ was the one who caused Donnie to get like this, and no matter what he would say otherwise the truth was obvious. If she hadn’t toyed his feelings, if she hadn’t given him mixed signals, if she hadn’t used him as a one-night stand, this family wouldn’t be broken apart.

She was the one to break him, and she was going to be the one to fix him. By God, there is nothing in this entire universe that would stop her from fixing this family. From fixing Donnie.

She didn’t know how she was going to manage, but what she did know was that somehow, she was going to make this right.

“Sensei, do you think I could talk to Donnie alone?” April asks, and Mikey tenses.

Splinter takes a deep breath. The last thing he ever wanted to do again was leave his son, but he knew how the boy felt about April. If anyone could help him, even in the slightest of ways, it would be her.

“Sure, April. We will return shortly,” Sensei says, and leans over to kiss Donnie’s face again. “I love you, my son.”

Mikey starts to panic as his father pries him off Donatello, feeling like the loss of body warmth was the feeling of abandonment all over again. As much as he kicks and punches in an attempt to break loose, there is nothing he could do against Splinter’s strength.

“No Dad, please!” he cries out, suddenly feeling a whole new sense of vulnerability. “Don’t take me away! Don’t take him away from me!” he sobs, and every time he mumbles Donnie’s name Splinter feels himself holding his youngest child tighter. April watches with heartache as Splinter continues to shush Mikey and calm him down as the two exit the room, the door shutting behind him.

Both teens jump at the small sound of the door closing, April still facing it. The awkward moment had returned, neither of them knowing what to say. The last time they had spoken was when Donnie had called her, the call that he intended to be the last communication he would ever have.

“I should’ve known it’d be quick for you to call them. I should’ve used a more reliable method. Silly me, right?” Donnie says with a small sadistic chuckle, and April feels sick to her stomach as she turns around.

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?” she says. “You tried to kill yourself because of me.”

“Jesus Christ, what it is with all of the _me_ bullshit around here? I try to do one thing for myself and suddenly it was by the single cause of one individual person. That is to be expected, considering the narcissism among people, the constant infatuation that they must be a part of the grand plan. What is funny, April O’Neil, is that you out of everyone are in fact the closest person to being right,” he says, shooting daggers through her heart with every word that he spoke.

“I knew it was me, because it all makes perfect sense. Yet I never thought you would take it out on yourself. You deserve to hate me, because of all that I’ve done to you. I treated you horribly and never gave you what you deserve because I was so caught up in myself that I never took the time to consider your feelings. I was selfish and confusing and it never even occurred to me to think about what it was doing to your self-esteem. Why do you hate yourself so much for something that should be spent with hating me?” she asks.

“You think that I don’t know that? I know what you do is horrible, that I should despise you with every fiber of my bitter soul. Yet that is a thought I can’t even prosper, something I could never even come close to doing. When I look at you, I see the most beautiful girl in the world, even when you are doing something cruel to me. I know that you toy me, but I consider myself lucky just to get any amount of affection from you. No matter how hard I try, I find myself doing anything just to make you happy. Don’t you understand, April? I hate myself because I am in love with you,” he explains, the empty feeling of his body the only thing blocking out the tears.

“But I _do_ love you Donnie. I know I had a funny way of showing it, and I will spend the rest of my life regretting the way I treated you. The only way I did that was because I do love you, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I had never felt the way about anyone the way I felt about you. I was scared, because loving you could risk so many causalities and I was terrified of any more change in my life. I didn’t want to lose the only thing I had left and I didn’t want anything to go wrong. I tried to love Casey, only because it would be easier, but it never could work because there was no denying how much I love _you_. That doesn’t justify the way I treated you, I was a fool but I will spend every year I have left trying to make it up to you,” she says, now holding her best friend’s fingers in her own.

“How am I supposed to believe that? There is no logic to you loving me, and for you to randomly confess when I finally decide to end my life is awfully coincidental. You would say whatever you can to save me and having fake love is worse than having no love at all,” Donnie replies.

“I am confessing it now because seeing what happened to you finally gave me a wake up. It finally made me understand how much I need you and how much I can’t survive without you. It finally made me see that sometimes risks are worth the chance. It wouldn’t have been possible for me to go another day without telling you how I really feel and since I was the one who dragged you into the mess I will be the one to drag you out,” she says.

“I don’t know if I believe you, April. None of this is worth this, nothing is worth me. Just let me do what I want and you could have your happy little life. You’ll never have to worry about me again,” he says.

April yanks her hair in frustration, terrified that her words and feelings with float completely pass him, that it is too late to fix Donnie.

_No. April O’Neil doesn’t give up that easily._

“What if I proved it to you, Donnie? What if I took you and showed you how much I love you?” she says.

“Oh, like before? When you fucked me and pretended to love me only to throw me away in the morning? Sorry April, but I really can’t go through that kind of pain again,” he says.

April sighs, a sudden surge of her own self-hatred pulsing through her veins. “No, Donnie. That was me not being able to contain my feelings when I was intoxicated and then getting too scared that things would be different. I’m not that scared little girl anymore, and I promise you that I will _never_ leave you again,” she says.

“I’m not sure that I could say the same,” Donnie says, slightly pricking at his stitched wrists. April immediately pulls his hand away.

“Donnie, you said you would do anything to make me happy. Does that still stand? Don’t you think you could do one last thing for me?” she asks.

“What more can I give you?” he asks.

“I want us to make a deal. You have to promise not to kill yourself, not just yet. First, you have to give me the opportunity to give you 100 reasons to live. In that time, I will also prove to you how much I love you. If all 100 reasons pass and you still wish to die, then you will get your wish and I will make sure nothing interferes,” she says, closing her eyes nervously and holding onto both his hands.

Donnie stares at her in complentation, wondering how he could ever deny his princess of anything, even the delay of his own escape from this hell.

“I always was a guy of fair play…” he says, looking to the side.

Donnie knew that nothing on this universe could change his mind about wanting to die. His decision was sealed and nothing was going to change that. He might as well let April get what she wants, just to let her be happy. He would only have to wait a bit longer to get what he wanted, but it was worth it if he could take care of her one last time.

“Does that mean you’ll do it?” she asks, her eyes wide with hope and anticipation.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, April.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try to go back to updating more than once a week again – it’s just that there seems to be project after final in school and my social life is suddenly thriving and it’s hard to put aside a day to write. This week should have more opportunities.   
> Next chapter we will be introduced to a familiar character and an antagonist that my twisted mind has invented itself.   
> Please review! x


	7. Temporary Fix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I said this takes place in season three, but there are a few things that are a bit different from canon in storyline. In this story, Karai is still the daughter of Shredder and not at all mutated, much like she was in season one. However, the rest of canon had occurred, just not the Miwa or Snake Karai arcs. Other than that, everything’s up to date! This chapter, along with the next, will feel slight introductions to all of the arcs that the other characters will go through in response to what had happened with Donnie.

Leonardo had no idea where he was running, only that he had to continue until he had pushed his body to somewhere very far away, a different world from the hell that he had just escaped. All night he had tried so desperately hard to keep himself contained, trying so hard to hold himself together in order to do what’s best for the family. Yet when he had heard those words come straight out of Donatello’s words, when his petrifying thoughts were finally confirmed, it was the canon that broke his barriers completely. He didn’t remember much about what happened when he broke down other than sudden sobbing and the instant need to run as far away as possible.

Leo collapsed on his knees when he reached the other end of the sewers, feeling a sudden wave of exhaustion. It wasn’t physical, he had run much longer distances before. It was from _everything_ , the intense straining on his brain that made him feel like he was going to explode. Despite everything he’s been through before, all of the pain he had succumbed to feeling, he had never felt a hurt greater than this.

The boy pulled his knees close to his chin, attempting to steady his breaths and soften his sobbing. He had enough time for a pity party and now it was time to pull himself together. He took in deep breaths and silently soothed himself, yet the shaking of his body was refusing to seize.

Now that he gained an ounce back of sanity, he felt deeply ashamed of his dishonorable and immature actions. He had behaved like a weak piece of broken glass during the hardest of times rather than taking authority and caring for his younger brothers, and now instead of assuring to Donatello’s needs or caring for the family he had ran away crying like a little baby.

He was not only a failure of a brother, but of a leader as well. Perhaps, as a person entirely. His family would never look at him the same.

There was no way Leo could return home; not now at least. He knew it was another cowardly decision to make, but he had no idea how they would react once he would return. He would just need a little time to recollect himself, a little time for things at home to calm down a little bit from all of the horror and havoc that had been unleashed.

So basically, he needed all of the time in the world and more.

He knew that it was about morning, and that going to top side would be dangerous and definitely not approved by his father. However, he knew that if he didn’t let the fresh air hit his face he was going to melt in place. He decided he would just let himself walk a few alleys or so, just to clear his head for a second. It wasn’t like there was going to be crowds of people out at six in the morning anyways.

Leo took another heavy breath as he rose out of the sewers, grimacing at the breeze and heavy cloudiness above him. Considering it was June, it wasn’t usual to be so chilly and overcast outside. It was almost as if even nature felt the gloomy pain cast upon their family.

Leo closed his eyes as he walked carefully through a few back alleys, instinctively knowing each turn by heart. His body now froze with shivers but he didn’t feel it through his emotion turmoil. He kind of wished he had headphones in his ears, anything to distract him from this silent ongoing storm.

He scooted down once he reached the fifth alleyway, feeling that he may get a little comfort from the familiarity of the surrounding. The very place where he had so many rendezvous and off time memories that he tried desperately to keep a secret from his family, yet he didn’t succeed. His brothers didn’t approve of what he was doing, but they didn’t seem to do anything to stop it either. Other than Raph’s lectures and strings of crude comments. In Leo’s opinion, if he hadn’t been betrayed after all of this time it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

A tiny piece of warmth seemed to flow through when he caught her smell on the spot, like a tiny reminder that the world wasn’t all horrible. Now that he had let his guard down this far, he had to admit that he was never going to get through this pain on his own. Even for someone like himself, who hated depending on anybody, nothing that he could ever do would ease this kind of hurt. He needed someone to hear him out, to be there for him away from home, to distract him.

Someone who didn’t carry the same burden he did, someone who was a whole different perspective. Someone who hardly knew Donnie at all.

Leo shakily reached out for his phone, searching through his contact to the one that he had coded in emoji’s in order to stay low-key. He reached to send a message, his fingers trembling with very press of a letter.

_I really need you right now. Something happened._

After hesitantly sending the message, he slid his phone back into the gear belt and slid back against the wall. His burning eyes stared at the clouds above, wondering if he would even get a response. He did know she got up very early to begin some training exercises. Moments later, he feels the vibrate of the device, pulling it out immediately.

_He’s out of town right now, most of them are. It’s only me and a few goons who fall under my orders. Come over._

Leo’s fingers hovered over the phone hesitantly, wondering how to reply.

_You know I can’t do that, it’s too much of a risk._

He sees that she reads the message immediately, his nerves increasing as he awaits her reply.

_You’re so goddamn difficult. At least get to the roof, or you’re going to have to wait._

Leo sighs in surrender. The roof would be a safer place at least, and he knew if he didn’t see her, he was going to burn out.

_Fine. I’ll be there in 5._

Leo shoved his phone back and begun the walk over, still feeling the heavy weight of his footsteps. He felt so lost right now, like he had lost all sense of direction and sensibility and he was just walking aimlessly among a wasteland left after a storm. At this moment, he didn’t know if things would ever be okay again.

He said nothing as he approached the roof of the wretched building, forgetting what it contained when caught sight of her. She was just as beautiful as always, yet the fire in her eyes seemed to dull when she caught sight of him.

She almost gasped in shock looking at her companion, nearly not even recognizing him. His eyes were completely bloodshot, but that wasn’t what bothered her the most. It was like all the confidence, strength and ambition that she always saw in them before had been completely drained, along with all of the color in his face. His usual tall and firm form was now shrunk and shriveled, like a puppy that had been kicked too many times.

What in the world could have been so bad to have the power to do this to Leonardo?

“Leo,” she says, choking on the way she said his name. “What the hell happened?”

The sound of her voice was enough to break him back into vulnerability, the tears returning to his eyes. Before he knew it he was running towards her, slamming his cheek against the metal of her chest piece, tightening his grip around her hips as he sobbed.

Karai was caught completely off guard, taking a few moments to react. Finally, she puts her arms around Leonardo, wondering what the hell she was supposed to do. She didn’t at all know how to comfort people, and she never even had to do it herself. She kneels down to his level and holds him against her chest, a sea of questions floating through her head.

He just continued to cry until he had calmed down enough to speak again, not looking up from where his head was buried.

“Something really bad happened,” he says, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Yeah, I can see that. Wanna specify?” she continues.

“I almost lost one of my brothers tonight,” he says, relaxing more as her fingers stroke his head.

“Which one?” she asks, trying her best to make her voice sound soothing.

“Donnie,” Leo says, trembling again after saying the name.

Karai lightly placed her fingers under his chin, leaning it up to look at her while her other hand continued to caress him. “And what happened to Donnie, Leo?”  

Leo took a sharp breath, shutting his eyes tightly to continue on. “He tried to kill himself.”

Karai’s eyes widened at that, filling with surprise. She hardly knew Donatello, but she never expected him to be that way. She never suspected that anyone around her would be that way.

“Mikey found him with slit wrists when Raph and I were watching a movie. He had called April right before he did it. I didn’t know what to do and I was so fucking scared and Mikey had to save him, and then he woke up and somehow everything got worse. It’s all just crying and pain and he wants to be dead, my little brother wants to be fucking dead, Karai. It was my fault. I was so horrible that I lead him to hating his life so much that he wanted to leave it. I’m a failure! I failed! I’m bad and it’s all my fault!” Leo begins to ramble in panic.

“Woah there Leo, calm down. Just take it easy. He’s alright, it’s gonna be alright. You don’t know that it’s your fault,” she says.

“I do know that it’s my fault. You weren’t there Karai, you wouldn’t understand. It all hurts so bad and I don’t know how to make it stop. My mind is burning and there’s nothing good left anymore. It’s really scaring me. Please help me!” he cries.

“Shh,” she says, holding his face to her chest again. She leans down and plants a kiss to his cheek, making his eyes shoot open in surprise.

“You’re alright, Leo. I’ve got you. I can make you feel better. Not forever, but maybe for now,” she says, his cries softly transforming back into hiccups.

“Life is pain, isn’t it? It’ll never be anything more, or anything less. Just one giant maze of getting hurt again and again and again. No one or nothing is ever going to make it better, ever change how eternally fucked we all truly are. That’s a shame isn’t it?” she says. Leo doesn’t reply.

She lays down on her back, still holding him closely to her and leaning her mouth to his ear.

“All there is left is distractions, things to make you feel like everything is okay again just for one split second. Don’t you ever wonder why I am the way I am? I do what I have to in order for the pain to ease, just for a moment. Just for one time to pretend like everything in the world is perfect,” she moves her hands up and down his sides, sending chills down Leo’s spine. He was silent now, the only thing left being the broken expression that he wore.

“I can make you feel better, Leo. I can teach you all of the things you need to be free, just for the moment. I can take all of the pain away,” she whispers.

“And how do you suppose you are going to do that?” he whispers back, feeling the drops of sweat tread down his forehead.

She presses her lips against his, and his eyes completely widen in shock. No, this couldn’t be happening. He had already accepted that it would never happen.

Yet the warmth of her lips reminded him it was very real, and the girl he had fallen in love with was really kissing him. All of it was real.

After a few seconds she pulled away, his eyes bulging and staring back at her, the red lipstick staining his mouth.

“Just follow my lead. I’ll show you how to have fun,” she says, leaning in to kiss him again.

“Don’t you think we should talk about this?” Leo asks nervously.

“Talking gets you into a lot of trouble,” she replies, flipping them over so that she is laying on top of him and kissing him once more.

Leo didn’t quite understand. Karai had never showed this kind of affection towards him before. Nobody has showed this kind of affection before. Was he dreaming somehow? There was no way this could be happening.

His body fills with shivers as the trail of kisses starts to run through his neck, resulting in a slight hum of happiness.

“Just let me help you, Leonardo,” she says, rubbing her hands sensually along his plastron. “I promise; I’ll make everything better.”

X

It was hard for Splinter not to sob on the spot as he walked back to the dojo, holding his thrashing child in his arms. After all that happened, Mikey was doing a really good job at keeping himself contained, but it seemed that at this point he just couldn’t take it anymore. Ever since he had been pried off of Donatello, his breakdown continued, his muscles violently kicking to free himself from his father’s grasp.

Now, they had finally reached the center of dojo, and Splinter had to keep his hands on Mikey’s shoulders to assure that he didn’t run away.

“Michelangelo, you have to calm down. You aren’t going to do anyone any good like this. Do you not want what’s best for your brother?” Splinter says, cradling his youngest as he did when he had a nightmare as a child.

“I ju-just want Don-Donnie,” he cries, snuggling tighter into his father’s warmth.

“I know, my child. I want him too. But when April wishes to talk to him, we both know that is what’s best. You know the way Donatello feels for her. We have to do whatever we can to help him be okay again, and you know it may help,” Splinter says.

“I kn-know, I know,” Mikey says, trying his best to calm back down. He hadn’t expected the pain of leaving Donnie again to be so difficult. It was like if his brother wasn’t in his vision, he would never see him again.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to make Donnie feel better. I’ll make sure he’s okay again! I promise!” Mikey says.

“I know you will, Michelangelo. Always my good boy,” Splinter says, running his hand along Mikey’s head. Mikey allows a small grin to grow across his face, nuzzling his head against Splinter. Splinter can’t help but feel a fierce flame of tenderness as he watches his child drift into sleep.

X

As soon as her deal was accepted, April felt surges of determination flow through her body. Of course, she was only 16 and didn’t have any real knowledge on how to cure these illnesses, but she could do whatever she could to fix the mess that she had created. As soon as Donnie agreed with her, she threw her arms around his neck and slightly rocked him, feeling so much gratitude and appreciation to have a second chance.

Donnie didn’t have any words for her, just let her hold on to him as he had previously done with Mikey. He felt extremely awkward with the whole situation, and he was starting to fear that he would never again be left alone. Jesus, this is even more torturous than ever before.

“You don’t happen to have a blank notebook around here, do you?” she asks, sitting herself up.

“I have a few spares in the third drawer,” he says, in confusion.

A grin crawls across the girl’s face as she jumps off of the bed and towards the drawers, grabbing a plain white notebook and a bright red pen.

“What’s that for?” Donnie asks.

“I know how much you like to write things down. Additionally, I want what I show you to matter to you, to be proof on plain paper, to make you feel something. I want us to keep track of the progress we’ve made,” she says.

“What do you mean? A chart?” he asks.

“No, I mean like this. You’ll have the first few papers to write down the 100 reasons to live that I show you. Every time one of them makes you slightly happy, you’re going to write them down here. I know it’ll take a long time for you to do that on your own, so I’ll start off for doing them for you,” she explains.

“April, this feels ridiculous. I’m not a delinquent child that has to have a behavior chart,” he says.

“We had a deal, did we not?” she replies, making her face stern.

Donnie sighs. “Go on.”

“For example, I brought something that I know you love,” she says, reaching for her bag.

Donnie raises an eyebrow, curious to see what April has brought him.

“When was the last time you had one of these?” she smirks, pulling out a candy wrapped in shiny gold paper.

“A coffee pop! How’d you find it?” he exclaims, and for some reason he can’t help the tiny smile that grows on his face. These candies were his favorite thing in the world, which he and April used to purchase from a local liquor daily.  Sadly, the store had closed down, and April hadn’t been able to find the candy since.

“I searched desperately for them. Called every service station in the area until I found one that carried some. I have to take the subway to get there, but it’s totally worth it. I happened to have it in my purse because I was planning on coming over as soon as the sun rose to give it to you. It was supposed to be a surprise,” she says, a bit of sadness wavering over her voice.

“Sure is a surprise! April, you’re a goddess! I almost forgot what heaven tasted like!” he says, popping the treat into her mouth.

April giggles happily. “See! There are still good things out there, aren’t there? Is that not something to add to the list?” she says, walking towards the notebook.

“I suppose it is,” Donnie says, feeling warm at the smile on her face as she writes inside.

_#1 – Candy_

“See, that wasn’t so bad,” she says, crawling into Donnie’s bed. “Next time we’ll get a real start, and you’ll see how much good stuff there is that you hadn’t thought of before. It’s all about the little things, you know,” she says.

Donnie only nods, not wanting to deceive April but not wanting to disappoint her either. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t deny how much better it made him feel just to eat one goddamn candy.

“I think I’ll stay right here tonight, if that’s okay with you,” she says, tucking herself into the blanket.

“I could never deny your presence, April,” he says, walking as she plugs her earbuds into her phone.

“For old times’ sake?” April says, holding an earbud out to Donnie.

Back when April had to stay at the lair for a little while when she was hiding from the Kraang, the only way she would calm down enough to fall asleep was when she and Donnie listened to music together. It was something about it that soothed her, lead her to a slumber to the mixed sound of the beat of the song and the beat of his heart. She thought that if it helped her, maybe it would help Donnie too.

“Why not,” he replies, forcing out a weak smile and putting the bud in his ear. April smiles and leans into him as she presses play, cuddling the way they used to whenever she was scared.

Donnie watched as April’s eyes slip closed, falling asleep almost immediately from exhaustion. He knew it had been a hard night, demanding on everyone but particularly Mikey and April. Donnie didn’t want things to happen like this, he would never cause them pain intentionally. He thought that ridding himself would be beneficial to them, and April in particular would be relieved. He didn’t understand why they were all so messed up over _him_.

Donnie feels a tiny fiber of the emptiness thaw as he gently ran his hand through April’s hair, gazing fondly at her peaceful expression. She was still wearing pajamas and her hair was quite messy, not tied back in its usual ponytail. She had obviously been ready to sleep when the nightmare he had caused had awoken her.        

Donnie always did love the way he hair looked when it was down.

_Came up to meet you,_

_Tell you I’m sorry,_

_You don’t know how lovely you are._

Donnie grips April’s hand tighter as the song begins playing, wondering if she had set it there on purpose. The song was his all-time favorite, and April would always sing the song to him when they had sleep overs.

He was exasperated by how much the song caught his situation, as if Coldplay had taken him and April and written the Scientist. It was insane how relatable it was, and how nice it was to listen to it as he played with April’s hair.

April was doing so much for him now. April only wants to make him happy. Instead of taking the easy way out and ridding herself of him, she was giving him such undeserved _love._

Donnie would do anything in this world to make April happy.

Maybe that’s why he took the notebook she had left for him, ignoring the flaming pain in his wrists to write some things down.

_#2 – Messy Hair_

_#3 – Good Music_

_#4 – Warm Naps_

He couldn’t wait until he saw her reaction in the morning. She was going to be so happy to see that he was going along with her little plan.

He thought he owed her that much, at least.

X

When Mikey had fallen asleep on him, Master Splinter couldn’t help but nod off as well. As soon as he awoke, his eyes shot open in concern.

_6:50 PM_

He had been asleep twelve hours! In a hurry, he delicately set Michelangelo down and scurried throughout the house.

The first place he reached was the infirmary. To his relief, he saw Donatello and April napping together, cuddling with earbuds still in their ears. A wide smile grows across his face, feeling an intense gratitude for the young girl.

Now that he knew Donatello was taken care of, he had to make sure his two oldest sons were alright. In Raphael’s room, he and Casey were asleep as well, sprawled out on the floor.

Leonardo’s room was empty, and his oldest boy was nowhere to be found.

Leo hadn’t returned when he ran off in the morning! Feeling panic, he ran back to the dojo.

He knew that he could not leave to find Leo. He did not trust to leave the house with everything that’s happened. His children should not be left alone right now.

He knew the way Raphael got when he was really upset, and the fact that he was asleep was a blessing from God. He would definitely not wake him.

The best choice would have to be Michelangelo. He must know where his brother could have run off to.

Luckily, Mikey was already in the process of waking up when Splinter returned to the dojo. He sat rubbing his eyes with fists, yawning and stretching his legs.

“Michelangelo,” Splinter says, catching his son’s attention.

“Yeah Sensei?” he replies.

“Leonardo has not returned home. Do you think you can retrieve him? I don’t know what else to do,” Splinter says, finally realizing the strain in his voice.

Mikey sighs. He has an idea of where Leo must have gone.

“Sure thing, Sensei. I’ll find him, you just stay here and take care of everyone else,” Mikey says.

“That’s my good boy,” Splinter smiles warmly, watching as Mikey prepared to leave.

As soon as he hears the door close and he finally finds himself alone, Splinter finally has the chance to break down.

X

Mikey turned instantly to the alley behind Saki Enterprises, where he knew Leo was often located. He and his brothers were not idiots, and it had been very easily to figure out where Leo was sneaking off to. As long as he was being careful, which they trusted him to be, they let him do what he wanted. Mikey knew Leo would never do anything stupid. It was almost like Leo was perfection, unable to commit a single sin.

“Leo? You over here?” Mikey says, walking down the alleyway.

“I’m sorry to hear about what happened to your brother.”

A voice that was definitely not Leo’s rung through the alley, shooting Mikey into alertness.

“Who’s there?” he says, keeping his guard up. He doesn’t think he’s heard this voice before.

“Why, you don’t have to be scared of me, Mikey! I’m one of the good guys!” the voice says, and emerging from the shadows comes a middle aged man that Mikey has never seen before. He has a copper trench coat with a matching fedora and very square glasses.

“How do you know my name?” Mikey asks, keeping his grasp on his nunchucks.

“I know a whole lot about you, and all your brothers too! I hear your brother Leonardo talk about you all the time! It’s such an honor to finally meet you!” he says, holding out a hand.

Mikey takes a hesitant step closer, but does not give full trust to the man.

“Explain yourself,” Mikey says.

“I work over there, where Karai does! I do an office job for Saki, but I promise I’m not a bad guy! I’m just a psychologist doing some extra work. I don’t have a lot to do, so I just hang out here a lot and I hear a lot from Leonardo and Karai. That’s how I know so much about you!” he says.

“Dude, you shouldn’t be working for Saki! He’s a really evil man, you’ve gotta get out of there!” Mikey warns.

“I just lost my job, and this was the only available opening! I don’t want to end up homeless,” the man says sadly. Mikey can’t help but feel a pang of sympathy. Imagine being so desperate you have to work for Saki!

“I need someone to be my friend. Do you know what that means, Mikey? It means I do something for you and you do something for me!” the man says.

“Isn’t that more of an alliance than a friendship?” Mikey asks.

“No silly! Why, aren’t you just adorable! Of course we would be more than an alliance! Who wouldn’t want to be friends with an awesome guy like you!” he says.

A smile grows across Mikey’s face. “Hey, thanks dude! Of course we could be friends! I like being friends with everybody!”

“Of course you do! You just _love_ having everyone on you, don’t you?” the man says, stepping a bit closer.

“On a more serious note, I have heard what happened to your brother Donatello,” the man finishes.

Mikey looks down sadly. “Yeah, it’s really rough.”

“Mikey, a pretty face like yours should never look so sad! That’s why I have a very special deal for you!” he says.

“A deal?” Mikey asks, completely oblivious to the man’s comments.

“Yes! You see, I am a psychologist. I worked as a psychologist for many years before I got laid off, and I helped many people who have the same problem as your brother. I’m afraid that if your brother doesn’t see a professional, he is not going to get better and you will lose him,” the man begins.

Mikey grimaces and holds back a whimper.

“Yet this is where you come in lucky! Where you could not access professional help anywhere else, you can get some from me! I will treat your brother, free of cash! There’s only one thing you have to do for me in return!” he says.

Mikey’s eyes widen, taking in the man’s words. He could get help for Donnie? He could make Donnie feel better?

“What do I have to do?” Mikey asks eagerly.

“Simple – you just have to be my friend. You can come over when I want you to and we will play however I want to play. In return, I will treat your brother and he will get better. Sound good to you?” the man proposes.

A large grin grows across Mikey’s face. Be his friend? That’s easy! He loves making new friends!

“You’ve got a deal Mister!” Mikey announces, holding out a hand.

A deep smirk grows on the man’s face as he shakes the boy’s hand, and Mikey has to admit that it made him a bit uneasy.

“You can call me the psychologist,” the man says, pushing the tip of his hat over his eyes. “This is my number. When your brother is ready to see me, give me a call. Then, we will play afterwards,” the man says.

“Okay, have a good night!” Mikey says.

“You too, sweetheart, you too!” the man says, disappearing into the shadows. Mikey’s stomach flipped in alarm, like there was a red flag in the back of his mind telling him that he maybe shouldn’t trust this man. Yet this was the only chance he had to fix Donnie.

He had to do whatever he could to fix his brother. No matter what happened to get it.

 


	8. Artificial Remedies

The thick bliss that seemed to be grasping all of the air around him, as if the universe was now taken under a different light and that things would never be dull again.

He felt exuberant, rocked by sensation and emotions that had never touched his body before. The magic pumping through his veins was storming along with all of the darkness, forming it into one giant monster of feeling that was a sense of overwhelming he could never have imagined.

Would have _never imagined._ Leo never had considered that one day, he would be able to use his body in this way, that he would have permission to feel the human necessity that everyone else did.  He understood his differences and his fate from humanity, and that he never was to expect anything from the average life of a human, especially _this._ That a girl would never even look at him without squealing in terror, much less _love_ him, take him into this kind of acceptance.

Yet her he was, laying under the fresh twilight sky that he seemed to have arrived upon, laying intertwined with a beautiful woman who had just accepted him in the most intimate way imaginable.

Not just a beautiful woman, but Karai. _His_ beautiful woman, the one who had been the most elegant masterpiece he had ever seen ever since he had first laid eyes on her.

There was always the suspicion, that she just may have, under some drunken insane circumstances, taken the slightest interest back to him. After all of the memories they had made together in their off time, all of the occasions where there had been heart striking flirting, it had led to no avail. It was shocking enough when she had kissed him earlier, but he theorized that it was only to make him feel better after he had come in so distraught and she didn’t know what else to do. After all, despite Karai’s feelings being so concealed Leonardo’s heart was clearly perceptible.

Yet then she had seduced him, running her delicate fingers so very softly along his skin and along places that had never been touched before.

Now he lay there with his head blasting into absolute affliction, even more of an emotional catastrophe than he was before. Now, every time he closed his eyes his thoughts were a swarm of either the passionate memories of the loving that he had done previously or the haunting memories of his own home when he had seen it last. A confliction of being blinded by Karai and every whole fiber that existed with her or of his younger brother and the tortured look that was trapped in his eyes.

The only ideation that he was completely sheer was the ecstasy still running through his veins from the heaven that he had just been cast upon. For the moments that he had spent with her, hours of delight stringing through every inch of him and the sweet soreness from the organs that he had never used before, the impossible had occurred.

For just the moments that he had been making love with her, he had forgotten about everything else.

Suddenly, after he had woken from the extremely exhausted induced slumber, he felt randomly vulnerable, uncomfortably exposed. He had just lost his virginity on the roof of the foot clan’s lair to the daughter of the man trying to kill them after his little brother had tried to kill himself. How fucked was that?

Even if she was tucked into his limbs and felt warm against his chest, he worried about her continuing to lay there naked in a place that can potentially be seen by anyone. What if, somehow, a foot clan member or one of his brothers had come looking for one of them? How were they going to explain that one?

It was also this moment that it barely occurred to Leo where he was at the time that it was. He had run out in the crack of the dawn, when the sun wasn’t even completely up yet. Now the sky was running peach and nightfall was to arrive any second now.

Fuck! Sensei was going to flip!

Leo knew he had to be home immediately, if he would even have enough in him to look his father in the eyes after what he had done. If sensei, or perhaps any of his family, ever found out about this, he was done for.

As delicately as possible, Leo nuzzled his head into the crook of Karai’s neck, making the notion enough to stir her awake. Karai groaned in complaint and held Leo closer, closing her eyes once more.

“Karai,” he says softly, stirring up and lifting her a bit with him. “C’mon. We lost track of time, I’ve got to go home.”

“Already?” she says, and truthfully he wished he could lay with her on that rooftop for the rest of eternity.

“Yes, Karai. It was irresponsible of me to leave my family in the first place. I’ve got to make it back now,” he says, reaching for her jumpsuit and helping her put it back on while she shook into alertness.

“Well baby, you can’t go home like that. Not if you wanna keep living, at least,” she giggles, her voice a bit slurred.

Leo turned to the reflection beside him and gasped when he caught sight of himself – his face was littered in the markings made by red lipstick and a few choice bruises on his neck.

“Shit!” he says, aggressively rubbing his face in an attempt to remove the markings.

And just like it was on cue, Leo heard the voice of his baby brother calling his name from the alley below.

“God damnit! I’ve got to cover this up _now!_ What do I do?” Leo panics.

“Chill out, you’re going to have a heart attack. I’ll sneak into my room and grab you one of those old hoodies,” Karai says, and immediately snakes away.

Leo growls, anxiousness growing in his veins. He continues to rub at his face until the lipstick is gone for the most part, leaving the bruises on his neck.

Once he seems to be cleaned off, he does a double check at Mikey, surprised that he had stayed patient this long. Leo notices a man talking to Mikey, and suddenly freezes in a different type of fear. He stays hunched over the building, ready to pounce if the man were to make a move. He sees him hand Mikey something and he departs from the alley at about the same time that Karai reappears on the rooftop.

“Here, you can use this after all the times that we meet,” she says, pulling him close for one last kiss.

“We’ll do this again, as soon as I can,” he says.

Karai bursts in to laughter. “Men are so pathetic. You always know where to reach me, and I’ll be there whenever you need some fixing. Stay sharp, sweetheart,” she says, and disappears back into the window.

Leo feels bad about leaving so swiftly, but he knows that he has wasted too much time already and is instant to fly down from the rooftop in front of Mikey.

“Who was that?” he says immediately, returning briefly to big brother mode.

“Says he’s a friend of you and Karai, knows all this stuff about us! He said he can help Donnie! I’ll fill you in later, we gotta have everybody hear it at once!” Mikey says, and Leo feels a bit comforted by the return of his usual chipperness.

Yet he is weary about the man, and starting to get really creeped out.

A friend of his? He had never seen this man in his life. How would this man have all that information? Especially about Donnie – he had just told Karai about this. Was this guy watching when…

Leo decides to brush it off for the most part, considering Mikey never really knew what he was talking about anyways.

Leo says nothing as the two walks home, and doesn’t even notice when Mikey locks arms with him in an attempt at comfort. Now that she was gone, the darkness was beginning to take control once more. The fear, the despair, the self-blaming and grief.

The only hope he had at hanging onto sanity was keeping her enlocked on the front of his mind, just fantasizing about the time they would meet again.

For the blissful love and passion that he was blinded by previously was now growing overshadowed by a violent, heavy hunger to do it again.

X

Casey Jones had spent a countless amount of times watching Raphael ride out one of his emotional breakdowns, seeing him scream and punch whatever was in sight until his fists were bleeding and he passes out from exhaustion. Casey also knew the feeling far too well, for the tendency occurred to himself almost as often. He had spent all of his life watching his father undergo them, the echoing screams haunting his earliest childhood memories.

At least with Raph, the victims of his wrath were only inanimate objects, unable to feel the pain that he surged. Some targets, in his other familiar cases, weren’t so fortunate.

He knew it was best to just let Raph let his feelings out, but sitting far back on the other side of the room. This way, Raph knew he wasn’t alone and someone was there if he needed it but Casey was far back enough not to get in his way when he needed to hit all of his feelings out. Raph would do the same for Casey, but not on so many occasions. The reason for that was that Casey was almost always at Raph’s house and Raph had never even been inside Casey’s.

Casey had thrust himself upon the burden of killing his demons on his own, for that was the only choice he had ever known.

He had decided to take a nap alongside his buddy once Raph fell asleep, since he could always use the extra rest anyways. He didn’t know what else to do, and it seemed like the broken family was now all either asleep or missing in action, in Leo’s case.

 _Broken family._ No, that couldn’t be right. This family had been through so much their entire lives. It had never been an easy break for them, yet they had continued to stand so strong. The family that Casey felt accepted by when he so much despised his own. He would never let this family broke.

Casey sat up a bit, suddenly feeling a surge of anger towards Don. He hadn’t before, but now that he thought about it, the guy had woken up and _seen_ what he had done to his family and he still wanted to do it again. Had something happened to Don that they didn’t know about? Was that even possible? What exactly could have been so horrible for him to voluntarily break his family this way?

“Case?” the small voice caught the boy from alarm, breaking him out of his thoughts and turning his attention to his best friend lying beside him. All evidence of the previous violent anger was gone now, replaced with a small, weak sadness that very rarely was seen on Raphael. In fact, Casey had only seen it twice in his life – directly after the invasion and when they thought Leo was going to pass away at the farmhouse.

“Yeah buddy?” Casey asks, and Raph’s bright green eyes are focused drifting into space but the wetness in them was evident.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” Raph rasps, and the single sentence holds even more emotion than he had previously displayed singly due to the lack of it.

“I don’t know how to fix Donnie. I don’t know what I’m going to do. That Donnie I just talked to down there is _not_ my brother, and I don’t know how I’m going to get my brother back. I’m the protector here, and I set a vow when I was just a kid that I would protect my brothers from anything that would hurt them. I would have never imagined that I would have to protect them from themselves,” he says, in that sad empty voice, a single tear drifting down his cheek.

“I couldn’t protect them, Casey. I couldn’t protect him. Now, I don’t know what to do except sit back and watch as we all finally fall apart,” he continues, more and more tears beginning to stream until he was crying again, much like the way he was when he first called Casey.

Casey sighed and pulled his friend into his arms, resting his chin on the top of Raph’s head. Seeing Raph taken by fits of anger was natural, something Casey was used to and never thought much of. _This,_ however, this was something entirely different. It made Casey uneasy to see Raph look small, and to see him cry so much in one period of time. Seeing Raph’s bridges break were like seeing the end of the world.

“You’re okay, Raph. You’re all going to be okay. It’s scary now, but it doesn’t stay that way. We’ve just got to all work together to make Donnie better and then, we can all get better together,” Casey says.

“I just want something Casey. Something that might be able to make me forget about it all for a little bit, to clear my mind. I don’t know how to do that, my mind is going to kill me and I can’t make it stop. I can’t make it go away. I know you how to do that Case,” Raph says.

“What do you mean?” Casey asks.

“I know you ain’t got the easiest life at home. You don’t have to say anything for me to figure it out. Yet you’re so happy all the time, you know how to get rid of it. I know you know how. I don’t know how to be anything that isn’t what I am right now. Please, help me Casey. Please show me what you do,” Raph says.

This specific behavior of Raphael was catching his friend off guard, even more than the initial crying was. He had seen Raph cry before, but he had never seen him beg like this. Beg for salvation, for some kind of artificial remedy. Anything that would take his pain away.

It hurt Casey, to hear Raph talking this way. He didn’t know what to do either.

Raph was correct, Casey did have a specific method of keeping himself away from his own demons. He had grown accustom to his father’s habits, but wasn’t that addicted. In the beginning when he was thirteen, he only started doing it so his father would have less resources to use. He thought that if he cleared out all of the substances, his father wouldn’t have any access anymore. Later, he just liked the feeling of not being quite aware of the hell breaking loose in his home, and the less vivid memory he had of it afterward.

Recommending this to Raph, was a great risk. He doesn’t think his friend has ever done it before and there was no telling how he would react to it. What if he became addicted? What if he drove his best friend down the same fateful path as his father?

Nah, that couldn’t be the case. Raphael was strong, stubborn, and headstrong. His father had none of those qualities and had allowed the substance to own him and his life. That would never happen to Raphael, the way it had never happened to Casey.

Besides, if he takes more for him and his friend, the resources of his father will be even less.

“Well I do have a certain substance that helps a lot. Well, for me it does. You’ll just have to try it once and see what it does for you,” Casey answers finally.

“What is it?” Raph asks, willing to take anything that will seize this torture in his head.

“You ever gotten drunk before?” Casey asks.

“Nope, not even a drink. Never had access to it,” Raph replies.

“Well, I think next time I come over we are gonna try something new.”

X

The first thing Donnie saw was April still holding onto him, smiling at him as he slept. It was strange, since he never would have expected that he really would wake up beside the girl he loves. It was like a dream come true, only in a blurry reality where dreams no longer existed. As if it gave him a small hint of the life he used to live and the mind he used to possess.

“Hey there Donnie. Sleep good?” she asks.

“As good as I could have. How about you?” he asks, resisting the urge to run his hand down her back.

“It felt good to finally get some relaxing. We slept through the whole day,” she explains.

Donnie nods, wondering if she was going to go home now. Of course, he didn’t want her to be gone, but he knew that the longer she stuck around now the more painful it all was going to be. He wanted to get everything done and over with quickly and didn’t want to make any of the pain worse. He didn’t want them to hurt any more than they had to.

“I’m going to stay with you as long as possible. I think it’s a bit unhealthy to keep yourself cooped up in this bed, it’s not going to do you any good,” she says, getting up out of the bed.

“Well, what other choice would I have?” he replies, watching in confusion.

“We’re gonna go out tonight. It’s going to do you a lot of good to go outside and get some fresh air, to move your legs again,” she says.

“Go out? Where? Patrol?” Donnie asks, internally groaning.

“No silly, I don’t think patrol would be the wisest idea right now for any of you, any of us. I meant somewhere light and fun, just so I could help you relax but also help get you into the hang of being without those IVs and needles again,” she says.

“No offense April, but I don’t want to go anywhere,” he says, looking away.

Truthfully, he never wanted to go anywhere ever again.

“It was exactly an offer Donatello. You accepted my deal and now you are to do as I command,” she says, in a sarcastic tone.

“Oh c’mon April, I’m serious,” he replies.

“So am I. I’m only going to be doing what’s best for you and nothing less than that. Now just hang back while I set up a portable IV and get everything settled,” she says, fingers working through all of the injections and cords.

“Well, what exactly did you have in mind? Just take a walk outside?” he asks, hoping it would only be down the alley they lived on.

“Well, we are going to be walking there, but that’s not the whole trip. We are going to be going to the little park, the one a bit by my place,” she says.

“The park? And what exactly is the purpose of going there?” he asks, too mentally exhausted to be truly confused.

“To have fun, silly!” April replies, giving herself the most cheerful appearance possible.

She knew Donnie needed to be surrounded by warmth and positivity, and sadly she didn’t think he would get even close to that out of his older brothers.

When Donnie was ready and the portable IV was hooked up, she put her arms under both of his and pulled him off of the bed. He was wobbly at first, falling every which direction and struggling to fall still in standing formation. He caught tight grip on April’s small arm and with the notebook and pen in the other hand, the two set out to leave the infirmary.

“Mikey came home with Leo just ten minutes ago. We’ll say hi to Mikey and Sensei right now. Leo and Raph have locked themselves away, so I don’t think we can see them right now,” April explains.

Donnie didn’t particularly want to see his older brothers right now anyways. He didn’t need more stress than he already has and that was what they were bound to instigate.

Mikey’s eyes widen brightly when he sees his brother step out with April, feeling the warmth surge through his heart. “Donnie!”

Mikey ran towards the two and wrapped his arms around Donnie once more, nuzzling into his chest. Donnie reluctantly hugs Mikey back, knowing that his little brother thrives off of love and affection.

“I’m so proud of you for getting out! See, you’re gonna be all better real soon! I will make sure you get better, okay? I promise I’ll do whatever it takes for you to be better,” Mikey says, using all of the love he has in his whole body.

“Thanks Mikey, just don’t forget to take care of yourself, little brother,” he says, rubbing Mikey’s head as he disconnects from his hug. It felt too harsh to tell the kid the cruel truth of his feelings.

“Have fun guys!” Mikey calls out, running off to the dojo as Donnie and April walk out of the lair and towards the top side.

“Isn’t it nice, just walking for no purpose? Not on a mission, not on a haunt, not on the run from anything. Just walking because we want to, to be carefree,” she says.

 _Not all of us want to,_ he bit his tongue.

“At least it isn’t running,” he replies, surprised at the chilly breeze against his skin. Isn’t it supposed to be June?

“Wanna bet?” She smirks, enlocking their hands together and rapidly picking up their speed. Donnie catches the IV, carefully dragging it behind him.

“Whoa April! Thanks for the warning!” he shouts.

“C’mon, it’s more fun that way! I’ll race you there!” she says.

“That would be extremely unbalanced and rigged, considering I’m more than twice your speed,” he casually replies.

“That’s it! You’re on, Donatello!” she says, letting go of his hand and instantly zipping away.

Donnie releases a small giggle. “Over my dead body!”

Dragging the stupid portable IV behind him, he races after April, seeing her bright red hair glimmer under the moonlight. She seemed completely unphased by the fact that she was still wearing the same pajamas with the same messy hair.

Finally, the green of the park came into his sight, but not before it came into April’s.

“WINNER! WHOO-HOO!” she cheers, dancing on a small patch of grass.

Donnie quickly catches up to him. “Hey, not fair! I was hooked up to a stupid IV! Disadvantaging the handicap, I suppose? Scandalous,” he says, a sarcastic smirk plastered on his face and it made her gain about fifty pounds of sudden relief.

“You obviously underestimated my kuniochi training, arrogant son of a bitch,” she jokes.

“Why challenge me when it is completely obvious I am not in shape to run?” he asks.

“Well, I got you to laugh, didn’t I?” she replies.

Donnie presses his fingers to his lips. She was right; for the first time in days, his mouth was more than an emotionless bland line.

“Definite rematch when I’m not attached to this thing anymore,” he says, not even realizing that he implied doing something in a future tense. For days, he hadn’t even considering living to the next week.

“Deal,” she says, delighted by the fact that he didn’t bring up his death wish. “Still gonna kick your ass, though.”

“Wanna see what we’ve got in April’s bag of tricks today?” she says, the two of them settling under a large draping tree.

“Never seizes to amaze me,” he simply replies.

“Looks like I’ve got…” she hums, building the suspense before revealing the bag’s contents. “Two granola bars and a red apple!”

“Wow! That’s outrageous!” he says back, reluctantly accepting the granola bar passed to him.

Previously, he didn’t feel any hunger at all. Now that it had settled in, and the fact that he had consumed anything in days got through to him, his stomach was going to explode.

“You think this counts as a picnic?” she says, contentedly taking a large chew out of her snack. She too could not remember ever feeling such an intense hunger.

“In technical terms, sure. I mean, I’m sure this wouldn’t be the common ideal picnic of America, but for those of us with so little resources, it will have to do,” he adds.

She giggles, smiling to see Donnie act a tiny bit more like himself. He wasn’t exactly as hallow and blurry as he was when he first woke up, and that was a great sign.

“It’s always nice, though. Eating here at the park is somehow so much more serene than eating anywhere else. It really emphasizes your meal, even when your meal consists of a granola bar and half of an apple,” she says.

“Well, you always did know how to make the best out of everything,” he replies, swallowing the last piece of the bar.

“When was the last time you actually went on the playground? Like rode the swings, went down the slide, all of that good stuff?” she asks.

“Not for years, honestly. Splinter took us here sometimes as a treat when we were children, but we were cautionary because it was always filled with bums, creeps, or drug addicts,” he replies.

April chuckles. “At least the place is empty tonight. You wanna take a spin?”

“On the playground? April, who are you going to call when a six-foot-tall mutant turtle gets stuck in a child’s playground?” he replies.

“Act now, think later,” she says, and just as suddenly as she had raced she yanked him straight off of his feet and towards the playground.

“Catch me if you can!” she yells, instantly leaping onto a ladder and disappearing into the tunnels.

“April, you jerk!” he calls out, carrying the Iv station up with him and crawling on top of the tunnels rather than through them.

The two continue an innocent game of tag for hours following, forgetting about all of the cares in the world for the brief moments of acting like children. Taking them back to an easier time when they didn’t understand how corrupt and ugly the world really is.

“C’mon April, this is too much,” he says, collapsing on the floor dramatically.

“Can’t handle the intensity?” she jokes, collapsing beside him. In the midst of their giggling, he turns her head towards hers and they could feel each other’s breath against their faces. They both blush and quickly turn away, small smiles plastered on.

“C’mon, it’s getting late. Master Splinter’s gonna be pissed if we’re gone too long,” Donnie says, standing and helping her up.

“You’ve gotta do just one thing first,” she says pulling out the notebook.

“Oh god, how could I ever forget?” he says, turning to the page April set for him.

“You know damn right this trip was progress. Hours ago you looked like a pale zombie and now here you are, back at it with your sarcastic comments and smirks. I’m sure you had loads to write today,” she says.

“Oh don’t get too excited. If I’m going to have a bit more last moments on Earth, they might as well be slightly less miserable,” he replies, handing her back the notebook.

_#5 – Racing the Alleys_

_#6 – Finishing (and winning) Deals_

_#7 – Makeshift Picnics_

_#8 – Playgrounds at night_

A warm grin grew across April’s face. “See, that wasn’t so bad! You’ve just got to listen to me once in a while, April knows what she’s doing believe it or not,” she says.

“April, why are you doing this?” he asks, keeping grasp on her small hand.

She stops in her tracks, standing in front of him and taking both of his cheeks in her palms to make sure he was looking directly at her. “Because I love you, Donatello.”

The two walk the rest of the way back hand in hand in silence, but for the first time that weekend the silence was comforting.

X

Mikey rose and eye in concentration, staring down at the card the strange man had given him. The encounter wouldn’t stop running through his head, confliction painting his mind.

Mikey knew that there was something off about that man. He didn’t know exactly what it was, but there was something about the twitch in his eyes or the way his words sounded that sent a chill to Mikey’s bones.

Mikey mentally slapped himself for making such thoughts. Who was he to judge someone who he didn’t even know, someone who was willing to help him?! Maybe he had just been seeing all strangers the wrong way since his mind was so preoccupied.

The young boy felt tremors in his skin when he thought more about what the man had said.

Without professional help, Donnie would die.

The sentence alone was enough to make him whimper. He knew that Donnie needed a professional, the same way someone with a physical injury needed a surgeon. He also knew that their sources were _extremely_ limited if not unavailable due to their mutant forms. This man didn’t even react to the way Mikey looked, like he had seen right past it. That was peer behavior that the entire family wasn’t exactly accustomed to. Even more, the man offered to help Donnie.

This could be the only opportunity he would ever get. If he didn’t take the offer up now, Donnie would die and it would be all his fault.

With a new sense of determination, Mikey pressed the card into his hand and went on his way to the dojo, to discuss this with Splinter.

“Sensei?” he calls, seeing his father sitting in the center of the dojo.

“Come in, my son,” he replies, and Mikey quickly patters in and takes a seat next to him.

“Sensei, I have to talk to you about something really important,” Mikey says. One of Splinter’s ears rises, and he turns toward his smallest son. “Continue.”

“When I was looking for Leo, I met a man. The man worked in the area and knew Leo,” he says.

Splinter’s eyes widen in alarm. “A man? Knowing of us? And neither of you cared to inform me immediately?”

“It’s cool Sensei, he doesn’t care about us being mutants and all that stuff. Anyway, he heard about what happened to Donnie from Leo. He tells me he’s a psycho – logist, and that Donnie will need to see someone who is one or else he can’t get better,” Mikey explains.

“ _Psychologist_ ,” Splinter corrects. “And unfortunately, that is for the most part accurate.”

“But Sensei, he says he’s unemployed and since he knows about our circumstances he’s willing to help Donnie. For free! He would just need to come over here and see Donnie sometimes and then he can get better!” Truthfully, he hadn’t said it was free. He just said Mikey had to do something for him in return, but he explained it really weird and for some reason he didn’t want to tell that part to Sensei.

“See Donatello? Are you sure it is not a trap?” Splinter says.

“Look, he gave me his card. I’m pretty sure he was talking real deal. He says we can talk to him whenever and he’d be down to help us out,” Mikey says.

Splinter takes a few more seconds to think, undecided.

“Please Sensei,” Mikey pleads, wearing his most desperate of voices. “It’s the only way we can fix Donnie.”

Splinter sighs in defeat. “Contact this man and tell him he can have dinner with us all tomorrow evening. I would like to meet him and talk to him in person before making any drastic decisions,” Splinter decides.

“Alright! Thanks Sensei, I knew you’d understand!” Mikey says, hugging his father and then rushingly texting the man that his Father wanted to meet with him.

As soon as he got the confirmation reply, Mikey couldn’t help but smile from all of his self-pride. Finally, for once in his life, he was doing something really good.

He was gonna make Donnie all better, just watch!

Everything was going to be fine. It couldn’t get any worse than this, could it?


	9. Crash and Burn

Splinter hummed in absolute agitation as he heard Donatello and April return home, the sound of their return making him feel as if nothing has even happened at all. They had left a few hours ago, when his youngest son had proposed this idea of Donatello being treated by a psychologist. Of course, Splinter himself was about weary about the situation, since it seemed a bit sketchy in the first place and he had to be extra careful about letting humans into their lives. However, Michelangelo’s point still stands; if Donatello is not professionally treated, he will not recover.

The stressed man left out a deep sigh, searching for any higher power that possibly would listen to him. He spent the hours deep into meditation, in a desperate attempt to contact the ancestors or his fallen loved ones and what he could possibly do in this situation. Splinter considered himself one of high wisdom and high understanding, but this particular situation has caught him gutted. He knew absolutely nothing on what he was supposed to do.

He considered going online, something he had only done a very few times when the boys were little to get answers to desperate questions. Although he wasn’t very fond of using the internet or the technological world, it seemed that this was definitely one of those times. Perhaps he could reach out to other parents who had been in the same situation, receive a bit of advice on how this could be fixed. Despite that, his situation would always be much more complicated than any of theirs and he wouldn’t be able to tell them that.

It seemed that the only choice he had was to rely on Michelangelo’s intel, and keep his options open to anything that may help his son. If this man, could in any circumstance, cure Donatello, then the risk would have to be taken. Perhaps it wasn’t a skeptical situation, but a gift from the ancestors upon their incapable little family.

This is why the overall decision has been made – he would meet this man, hear out what he has to say. Have this man meet Donatello and the rest of their family so that they all would be comfortable with him if he was going to take this step into their lives. There would be no better opportunity than dinner tomorrow night, and then further actions could be pursued.

However, the true fear that Splinter had was revealing to Donatello what is going to be done. It is inevitable that his son will freak out, and who knows how horrible that is going to go. He expected him to lash out and him and his brothers, and then for his youngest to mope around constantly because he might not understand that Donnie doesn’t mean to snap at him and only does so because he is very sick. Once the actual arrival of the man comes, Donatello’s behavior is another nightmare waiting to happen.

“Sensei?” the small voice fills the room, the only other beside his own in hours. Splinter opens his eyes and sees his smallest son, who had been anticipating waiting his brother’s arrival.

“Yes Michelangelo?” he responds, even though he knows exactly what the boy is asking for.

“They’re back now. I think it’s smarter if we go tell him right now, because then he’ll have the night to sleep on it and it won’t be as bad as if we waited until tomorrow,” Mikey proposes, looking down at his feet in slight anxiousness.

“You are correct, my son. We are going to have to get it over with sooner or later, I suppose. We might as well do it immediately so that the hard part is taken care of,” he says, trying to appear that he hadn’t been heavily meditating on the matter for the past few hours.

“C’mon, we’ve gotta hurry. It’d be really bad if he fell asleep already and we have to go wake him up,” Mikey says. Even if Donnie had spent only about five hours of the last twenty-four awake, he knew that his body was still recovering from the trauma and it would be easy to fall asleep again.

“My son, you must understand this. Your brother is very sick, and for a long time he will not act the way that he usually does. You must not take anything personally and understand that he is not at all trying to hurt any of us, but may lash out unintentionally. He definitely isn’t going to be happy about this and I don’t know how he’s going to react, but I fear it will not be easy. You just have to be strong and continue to be kind and happy towards Donatello, and continue to do whatever it takes to make him better. It may be the hardest thing we have went through as a family, but I know we can overcome it if we all take sacrifices for Donatello,” Splinter says, as he and the young one reluctantly walk towards the lab, where April was probably helping Donnie change some bandages.

“Yes Sensei, I understand. You can count on me, I will make sure Donnie is all better, no matter what it takes!” Mikey answers, and he completely means every word of it with all of his heart. In fact, he has never been more serious about anything in his entire life. He vowed that he would focus the entirety of his attention solely to Donnie, and how he will accomplish his mission to make his brother okay again. He was willing to sacrifice everything he had in order to obtain that, and he couldn’t wait to give what he had in the name of his brother.

“That’s my good boy,” Splinter says, before the two stop at the closed door. For the entirety of Michelangelo’s life, he had used the phrase in times of comfort or when his child needed some reassurance, which was more common than it wasn’t. In the last twenty-four hours alone, he had used the phrase quite a lot, which proved how difficult things had truly become.

Donnie got a bit startled when the door was opened, but was relieved to see it was the two family members he currently had the least tension with. He didn’t react to their arrival, laying his head back down as April assured that the IVs were reinstalled for some painkillers and the last bandage was changed.

“Hello, my son. How are you feeling?” Splinter says, coming to one side of the bed and softly caressing Donnie’s forehead. Mikey comes to the other side of the bed, snuggling his cheek into Donnie’s ribs. April smiles at their presence.

“Really tired,” he replies, the only feeling he could muster that was completely honest. Now that the drugs had worn and he was in his conscious state of mind, he knew how foolish it was to reveal his true emotions towards them.

“And you will return to your rest, as you are going to need very much of it if we want your body to be healthy once more. However, we are going to have a little discussion beforehand,” Splinter says, and Donnie groans. He wasn’t in the mood for anymore intended counseling, especially after the trip to the park had calmed his anxiety for a moment.

“Discussion of which?” he asks, knowing it was always easier not to confront the problem first hand. Perhaps it would be obviously he wasn’t interested in this conversation. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem that his father would care.

“Well, Michelangelo has found something that would be very beneficial to you. Something I thought would be unavailable due to our mutant states, but has offered to help you out,” Splinter finishes.

“What do you mean?” Donnie asks, both he and April paying full attention now.

“Donnie, we both know you have to get better, no matter what. But you aren’t gonna get any better at all without a professional, and we both know that too. You seeing a professional is the only way you’ll have a chance and we have to do anything we can,” Mikey adds.

Donnie’s eyes widen, and he freezes. A professional?

“Continue,” he says, a soft voice hardly above a whisper.

“I met a psychologist yesterday, who heard Leo talking about you. He didn’t even care that we were mutants or anything. He said he was going to help you, and for free! We got you treatment for free!” Mikey finishes, trying to sound cheerful about the idea.

Donnie stares in silence, keeping his eyes focused on the wall and not showing a reaction to the news besides the slight shaking in his arms. The paralyzed silence poisoned the room, increasing the anxiety of everyone present.

“That’s amazing news, Donnie! Psychologists are great, I know a whole lot of them from my Dad!” April adds, hoping her input will help better the situation.

“I’m not seeing a psychologist,” he answers instantly afterwards, his voice monotone and his words so close together that it was almost one long word instead of a sentence.

“This is not a choice of yours, Donatello. We will be meeting this man tomorrow evening and I will decide what happens further, and you are to obey me. I am only doing what is the absolute best for you, my son,” Splinter says, squeezing Donnie’s stiff shoulder.

Donnie remained silent, allowing this proposition to slip through his mind. See a psychologist? No. He was not going to see a psychologist. Those are for _psychos_ ; it is even included in the name. Donnie was not psycho.

Wanting to escape this wretched world on a sacrifice for everyone did not make him insane.

He was not insane.

_I am not insane._

If this happened, he would not ever be able to make his mistake. He would be forced to share his thoughts with a stranger, the very things that he kept most private and dear. He would have to tell this man things and eventually, he would be taken away. His family would be informed of how worthless he truly is. Rather than escaping the simple way that he had planned, he will only be forced to stick inside this cruel existence but while being detested by the only people he’s ever loved.

This was not only going to ruin everything, but make it even worse than it ever was before. His mind, the only place meant just for him, was going to be invaded. Frankly, he had never even imagined anything more terrifying.

Donatello was too lost in his panicked thoughts to even realize the increasing shaking of his body, and the dampness on his face built from a mix of quickly flowing sweat and silent tears. The pounding in his head increased, burning like it never had before, and he felt like the entire weight of the world had started caving in on his chest.

“You’re okay, Donnie. You’re okay,” Mikey tries to comfort, but it seems that raising his hand to stroke Donnie’s cheek is the very match that launches the bomb.

“I’m not going, I’m not going, I’m not going,” he begins to repeat over and over while slowly rocking back and forward, each sentence slightly raising volume or speed.

“Donnie, it isn’t the worst thing in the world. I know it feels scary now but eventually you’ll be so grateful for it,” Mikey says, April and Splinter nodding in agreement.

Donnie doesn’t remember exactly when it happened, but at one point, his entire vision started to grow blurry. The image of those in front of him faded to an array of lost colors, their voices echoing meaninglessly in his head. Intense pain was shooting through his body, he didn’t remember how to breathe and the only thing he could possibly understand was the deep and agonizing fear that he was going to see a psychologist.

“I’M NOT GOING! I DON’T NEED HELP, I DON’T NEED HELP! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” He began screaming, although he was unaware that his raging thoughts were crossing audibly out of his mouth. The three others were quickly shoved away as he limbs began thrashing violently, attacking anything that was anywhere near them.

“I DON’T NEED HELP! I DON’T! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST LET ME FUCKING DIE!” he screamed, and all of three of them winced in alarm as he began yanking out his IVs and bandages, throwing all of the near medical supplies harshly to the other side of the room.

Splinter was the first to break out of the shock, picking up Michelangelo and quickly tossing him out of the room.

“Go into the other room, Michelangelo!” Splinter commands, turning back to rush back inside the infirmary.

“No! I can’t! I need to help Donnie!” Mikey pleads, his mouth quivering heavily and little tears dripping out of his scared blue eyes.

“OBEY ME!” Splinter shouts, a bit harsher than intended, and slams the door closed to rush to Donatello’s aid. Mikey does not move from where he has landed, beginning to sob and bang on the door, pleading for entrance.

Splinter freezes with fear when he turns back to Donatello, who has blood pouring out of several places that had been damaged during the outburst. April had pulled a brown bag out of the supply case, jumping on top of the bed and getting kicked several times in the process.

“Help hold him down!” she calls out, and Splinter immediately holds down his son’s thrashing limbs. April crawls on top of Donnie’s rapidly shaking plastron, holding both of her hands tightly to his cheeks.

“Donnie, sweetheart, listen to me. You’re okay. Everything’s okay. You have to breathe with me into this bag, okay? Steady your breaths. I’m here, I’ve got you. We aren’t going to let anything hurt you. You’ve got to come back to me Donnie. Just breathe, okay? Can you do that?” she says in a comforting tone, caressing his cheeks gently as she holds the bag to his mouth. Donnie seems to be attempting to steady his breaths, but only continues to hyperventilate. Splinter watches his son in terror, his face completely red and tear flushed, looking like the soul had temporarily evacuated. He was too preoccupied with heartbreak by watching his son that he didn’t focus his whole strength into holding him down, and the two arms come swinging aggressively out his grasp.

“NO! NO! NO!” Donnie’s screams are muffled but he presses his nails deeply into his wrists, relentlessly grating until small lines of blood began to appear. His arms were now seeping crimson again, many wounds starting to reopen, including the long vertical gashes who were now exposed.

“It’s getting too dangerous! He needs sedatives!” April calls out, and Splinter is quick to inject the needle into his son’s arm. Seconds after, his wide brown eyes seep closed, and although he is still obviously in deep anxiety and discomfort he is now more in a sleeping state.

“You’re fine, Donnie. Shh, it’s all okay. I’m here,” April says, her own tears dripping down her freckled face as she holds Donnie on top of her and cuddles closely into him. After a few moments of her humming to him and lightly stroking her fingers against his face, his is reduced into a deep, peaceful slumber.

Splinter continues to stare, not knowing at all what to think of the situation. He had not seen such a thing in his life, and he had never seen one of his children lose control like that. This time, he couldn’t conceal the tears that dripped down his face.

“He had a panic attack. My dad has anxiety, so I’ve had to calm him down many times before. Usually, you won’t have to knock him out to calm him down, but this time it was really dangerous with all of his injuries,” April explains, deep sadness in her voice as her eyes drift across her best friend’s sleeping face.

“I…I do not know what to do to help him, April. Had you not been here, I would not have known what to do. I just…I am so lost, April,” Splinter says, and she doesn’t think she’s ever heard him sound so hopeless in all of the time that she’s known him.

“The psychologist will know how to help him. They have to train his mind to work in a different way so he won’t have those kind of attacks anymore. They might even have to prescribe some medication. It’s really good that you got one, you know. I was actually considering finding one who works with my father, had it not been the fear of risking you guys into exposure,” April says, sliding off of the bed to reapply the bandages and IVs.

“Yes, I figured that since this man already knows of our states and has not since reacted I might as well give him a fair chance. Anything that it will take to bring my child back,” Splinter says, rubbing a hand up and down his son’s leg.

“It’s going to be really scary, and stuff like this is going to happen multiple times. It’s going to be really hard to fix his mind and it’s going to take a long time. But with time, patience, perseverance and love, he will be alright. I know he will be,” she says, probably convincing herself more than she is to Splinter. 

Now that the terror had died down, Splinter was able to hear Mikey’s small cries and remembered that he had thrown his son out to protect him. It was obvious that he would disobey and would continue to sit outside the door, and Splinter felt sad that his youngest had at least heard the entire thing.

Slowly walking to the door, he opens it and finds Michelangelo curled in a ball, weeping to himself and not acknowledging that the door has opened. Splinter picks up his child and holds him tightly to his chest, both of them finding comfort in each other. Mikey says nothing as he is walked back over to the bed, but when Splinter releases his grasp he immediately crawls into bed with Donnie.

The boy says nothing as he cuddles tightly into Donnie’s chest and falls immediately asleep, both of their faces stained with tears.

 _It’s going to be okay,_ Splinter reminds himself, throwing an arm around April’s shoulders as they gaze upon the others.

_They are all going to be okay._

X

Once the next morning arrived, no one had mentioned the episode of the night before at all, and if Leo, Raph and Casey had heard everything through the walls they sure as hell didn’t mention it. Donnie had to admit that it had comforted him a lot to wake up to little Mikey cuddling him, and tried to push it to the back of the mind that he had a panic attack in front of others for the first time.

All of the others he had ever endured was when he had locked himself up in the bathroom or his bedroom, and resulted in eventually crashing out then waking up to many bloody scars the next morning. He had never imagined what would happen if someone else was there to witness it.

Everyone had sulked out for some cereal as if it had been a normal day, except for the fact that they all had drooping, long faces and sat in a very unnerving silence. Before Mikey and April had dragged out Donatello, Splinter had informed his other two sons of the psychologist plan. Leo was still very confused as to how he was involved with this man, but decided that he would deal with that on his own, later.

After eating, Mikey had seeped away into the living room to watch cartoons, trying to give himself some sense of normality. Splinter could see the painful tension flowing throughout his oldest three sons, and knew that such behavior was unacceptable during such a time.

“My sons, I have noticed the way you have been acting and am greatly disturbed by such. If we are going to survive going through a time like this, we cannot have you all going against each other. Your behavior is toxic and I will not accept such poison in the environment. You three will stay seated and talk to each other for a while, until you act more like brothers again. We all have to be at least civil towards each other when we have a guest tonight. April and Casey, why do you not take a brief trip home and check up on your parents and pack some belongings if you’d wish to stay for a while?” Splinter commands.

“I don’t need anything Master Splinter, I’m fine the way I am,” Casey cheekily replies.

“It’s okay, Casey can come with me to say hi to my Dad and collect my belongings,” April says, taking the hint and dragging Casey out with her by the arm.

Splinter gives his three oldest sons a firm look before walking away, leaving them to sit together in the silence.

For a moment, the scene does not readjust. The three sit silently and keep their gaze in different directions, the deepest sense of sorrow across each of their faces.

“I’m sorry, you guys,” Donnie finally says, his voice hoarse and empty. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Raph looks straight at him now, the tears threatening to flow once again. “What do you mean you didn’t mean to hurt us? How the fuck do you expect that you doing this to yourself wouldn’t be the most painful thing in the world? Jesus Christ Donnie, I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.”

“Raph, it isn’t something that can be explained. It isn’t something you could ever understand. It just is what it is, and I don’t want it to be this way but unfortunately things are out of my own control. I would never hurt you guys on purpose. It’s much deeper than you could understand. I just have to do what I have to do, and sometimes we don’t like what has to be done,” Donnie replies.

Leo turns this time, tear streaks also down his face. “No Donnie. This isn’t what has to be done. You survived for a reason and that reason is we need you here. I didn’t show you how important you are and I failed you, and I will never forgive myself for that, little brother. Not ever. Please, please give me another chance. I need you.”

Donnie winces at the cracks in his older brother’s voice, a vulnerability he had never heard. Something he feared would stay in him forever.

“I’m sorry, Leo. I just can’t stay. It isn’t anything that you or anybody else did. This is just about me. Please forgive me, but I have to go. I’m sorry,” Donnie says, and Leo shoots out of the chair instantly.

“I can’t do this, Donnie. I just can’t. I can’t look at you after what I caused you to do without feeling like I need to fucking die. I can’t be here right now; I don’t deserve to be here. You were my responsibility and I failed, so I have no right to be in charge right now. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt, and I just need to go,” Leo says, pacing quickly in panic and stopping once at the door.

“I love you Donnie, I love you so much. Just don’t forget that, not no matter what,” Leo says, and zips out of the lair once again. Leo hates himself for being a coward, for running away to his paradise when his family is so wrecked. Yet he knows, he is the cause for all of this. It is his fault Donnie is this way and he simply doesn’t deserve to be their leader.

He doesn’t deserve to be their big brother.

As he exited the lair that day, Leo had never felt such an intense self-hatred in his entire life. It was that moment that he decided he was going to change.

As soon as Leo had exited, Raphael pounded his fists against the table, causing Donnie to jump. Angrier tears pour from his slanted eyes, and it takes all the control in him not to see red.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do? Why am I expected to hold this goddamn family together when I don’t know what the hell I’m doing? Everything would be perfectly fine, nothing would be fucking wrong, if you didn’t decide to pull this shit, Donatello. We wouldn’t be broken if it wasn’t for what you’re doing. Why do you have to do this? How could you do this to me?” Raph says, holding tightly onto Donnie’s wrists and looking him straight in the eye. Donnie had to blink away, too solemn to stare any longer.

“Raph…I’m sorry.”

“I will never forgive you,” Raph bitterly whispers, and harshly turns away from his brother. Raph sits in front of the television in the next room behind Mikey, who was trying not to cry and pretending he hadn’t heard a thing, and cuddled him against the couch.

As for Donnie, he didn’t move from his place at the table, and stared down at his wrists with even more despair than he had ever known.

Well, that didn’t really help anything, did it?

X

“So, you doing okay Red?” Casey asks, the two of them strolling quietly through the alley shortcuts to April’s apartment. The last time April had been down this alley, she was running to the lair in the middle of the night in fear that Donnie was already gone.

“Just as good as I can be in this situation, right?” she replies.

“Jeez…I can’t believe all of this is happening. I mean, I never thought I’d know someone who was like that, but Don? I just, can’t even accept it. Like this all has to be one big prank. I thought he was too smart for this kind of shit,” Casey says, balancing on the low rail beside the alley floor.

“Intelligence has nothing to do with developing depression,” April replies a little too defensively, “but I’m pretty shocked, too.”

“It’s really making me sad though, honestly. Man, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Raph act like that. It’s even worse than when we almost lost Leo, because Leo didn’t do it to himself. We had someone to hate last time,” Casey says.

“I’ve never seen any of them so broken. Especially Leo. Can you believe how out of character he’s being? I have to have a talk with him later, a real big talk. The only problem with that is Donnie; I feel like I can’t leave him,” April sighs.

“Honestly, he’s starting to piss me off. He’s making it hard for everybody and he knows, I was sympathetic at first but now I see the shit he said to Leo and the way he’s acting and I’m getting real sick of it. The treatment he needs is a sock in the face if you ask me,” he says.

April growls. “Don’t talk about Donnie that way, you’re too ignorant to understand. All I’m saying is that Donnie needs someone to stay by him; a friend. A friend other than me.”

“Whatdaya getting at?” Casey asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I want you to be Donnie’s friend. I want you to spend at least an hour a day hanging out with him, because believe it or not I think you’d be a good influence. You go through your own demons, and manage to stay happy. That’s the kind of thing Donnie needs in his life,” she says.

 

“April, are you even hearing yourself? I’m the last person the guy’s gonna open up to. We never really got along and even when we did we were never the type to go sharing personal stories. What makes you think we’ll suddenly get close now?” he asks.

“Please Casey. I don’t know what else to do. Mikey and I are trying everything we can, and Leo and Raph seem to need psychologists of their own. You’re our only hope yet. Please, just an hour a day. That’s all I’m asking for,” she says, stopping in her tracks.

Casey sighs. “Fine, Red. I’ll try hanging out with the guy, starting tomorrow. Only because you asked me to.”

A smile grows across her face, and the two teens link arms for the rest of the walk.

X

The psychologist took double steps as he followed the sewer path given to him by the young boy, a crooked smile cracked upon his face. He had hit the jackpot, and he had no idea it would be this easy. He had no idea when he would have access again, and now that he had all of these resources on his hands he felt as if his adrenaline was going to burst him right open.

When he was applying for office jobs and learned that Saki had a teenage daughter, he did whatever it took in order to get the job. When he witnessed her and her adventures with her terrapin companion, he felt a whole new sense of giddy. He didn’t know how these boys looked the way they did and how they came about, but he did know that they were beautiful and intrigued him more than usual teens did. He focused his attention to their story, always keeping watch from afar. This case had especially caught his attention, since this came personal.

This was his chance, his fate, his purpose. He knew these boys were special; they were the ones. Solely created to feed his needs, and that had to be all of the logic behind it.

The little one was naïve and innocent, something he had caught onto months ago. It was no surprise he was so easy to convince, but the fact that his guardian was the same was golden. The boy had eyes that reminded him of someone special, and he couldn’t wait to see them again.

This was an easy ticket, and he would make sure to drag their playing out for a long, long time.

His eyes brighten as he finally was outside of the sewer home, a rolling suitcase held out behind him. He knocked against the wood and awaited an escort, hopefully Michelangelo.

To his delight, Michelangelo was present, but beside a six-foot rat in a robe. Now this one he hadn’t seen before. This must be their guardian, in some rare and strange case. He would easily fall into the plan as well.

“Hello, you must be the father!” The psychologist says, enthusiastically holding out his hand. He also notices the red banded brother standing a bit ways behind them, standing beside the black haired boy that he always saw them with.

“Yes, I am Hamato Yoshi, but you can call me Splinter. You must be the psychologist my son has informed me about,” he says, holding out an inhuman hand back to shake his.

“I am the psychologist, and that is all you need to call me by. I have abandoned my true identity long ago. It is my pleasure that you have agreed to meet with me to discuss your son,” he replies.

“It is my greatest gratitude that you have even considered my son. Please, do come in. Boys, show him to the kitchen,” Splinter says, and the three boys zip toward the kitchen. Raph notices the man grab Mikey’s wrist as they lead him and for some irrational reason it’s really pissing him off.

“I am overjoyed to be of any service to your family. I was at work when I have overheard conversation and it broke my heart to hear of your situation. When Mikey agreed to hear me out and you agreed to meet with me, I knew I had to convince you of how critical this truly is,” he says.

“Yes, I am to understanding. The situation is absolutely horrible, and has been one most as troubling for all of my sons and I. I truly don’t know what to do at this point and I was hoping that you could help,” Master Splinter says.

“Of course. You see, I was a professional psychologist for many years. When my own children died, my family collapsed and I become unemployed. Since then I have been struggling for work, and have much spare time to treat your son,” he says.

“But sir, it is obvious as to how we cannot make a profit. We will not be able to pay for such charges,” Splinter sighs.

“Splinter, my friend, I do not expect anything out of you. I understand what it is to have nothing when in need of desperate help. I will see your boy as soon as possible, and we make a simple routine. Donnie will come and see me every week, and Mikey will come by to collect stats and feedback. You as well are welcome to call me whenever you wish. I have been in your shoes more than once before, and I can assure you that the best thing you need to make things better is a friend,” the psychologist says.

A warm smile grows across Splinter’s face. “You do not understand how much you are doing for my family. I will be eternally grateful.” As of now, Splinter’s usual sense of radar and common sense was not in the equation. All he could think about is someone helping his son and there was nothing deeper to it.

“It is my pleasure to meet the others as well. This must be Raphael and Casey Jones!” Casey shook the man’s hands reluctantly, but Raph continued to glare at him. “Where is Leonardo?”

“My oldest son ran off again earlier and has not yet returned. In fact, I am going to retrieve him once you have left us. You must forgive him; this has been very hard on my boy. In fact, he is typically incredibly close to me and has isolated himself form everyone since this has happened,” Splinter sighs.

“It is expected that such behavior comes from the boys. I assure you that I have come to fix your problems,” he says.

It was that moment that April and Donnie came out, hand in hand with the portable IV still following him.

“Oh! This must be Donatello! It is my honor to meet you!” the psychologist shouts, running over and quickly shaking Donnie’s hand.

“Thank you so much for doing all of this for Donnie!” April says. Yet as soon as the man turns to face her, an intense migraine in her head began.

“It is my pleasure!” he says, and she doesn’t catch the rest of what he says because of the growing pain in her mind. It was like when she looked at him, she felt terrified, her heart feeling with terror and darkness.

Her psychic powers were really telling her something here, and the intense pain was obvious that it was evident.

This man was not safe. This man was a dark light. This man was evil.

“April! Are you okay?” Donnie asks in concern as April’s face scrunches in pain. Everyone gathers around her in concern.

“Why, it looks like this might not be the best time for visiting. I will be on my way now, so you can take care of the poor girl. I will see Donatello tomorrow at 3?” he says.

“Yes, that would be great. Thank you again for what you have given us. Michelangelo, be a good boy and show our new friend to the door?” Splinter says, trying to give April space.

The psychologist knew who this girl was. She had the same powers as he did, and that was dangerous. He had to stay as far away from her as possible. If she came to close, he just may have to get her out of his way.

The smile grew on his face again as the boy walked him to the exit, and he turned to rub a thumb against his cheek. “Thank you for all your time, sweetheart. I will see you tomorrow night and I will show you just how good of a friend I can be! I look forward to playing with you, Michelangelo.” With that, the strange man disappears into the night.

Mikey doesn’t even have time to reply back to him, but is secretly grateful that he doesn’t have to say anything else. Being honest, he knew something was off about this man, especially the way he had changed the way he told things to everybody. He feared going to his house tomorrow, and almost considered bringing Raphael with him. Then he remembered that if he disobeyed the strange man’s wishes, he wouldn’t help Donnie anymore. Donnie wouldn’t get better and it would be his fault.

He had to help Donnie. No matter what he had to sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From someone who has a panic disorder, I’ll tell you they aren’t fun at all. Also from someone who has siblings with similar problems, being the other person is just as hard.   
> Shit’s about to real, I’ll just tell you that. I’ll blame my own personal life problems for the upcoming increasing sufferings of all my beloved characters. When Sarr hurts, her characters hurt more.   
> I am excited to show you all the psychologist, an antagonist I have put all my inner twistedness into. And the slow unraveling of his story and identity.   
> On the happier note, I am very excited to be attending Wondercon this Saturday! Are any of you attending! I’ll be meeting the 2012 writers and cast and such and I’M SO PUMPED! If you do go and see a teenage girl with hot pink hair, glasses and a mirage turtles t-shirt, say hello!  
> Reviews mean the world, thank you for everyone who has left one! All the love x


	10. Tag, You're It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : Hello! I would just like to report that attending WonderCon last Saturday truly was THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! The panel was so amazing, but I also got accepted in a VIP TMNT party and partied with some of the crew! It is a memory I will always hold precious. If you want to see my photos and videos, there and some on my TMNT Instagram (@smells.like.teen.ninjas) and a lot more on Facebook (Sarah Ensinger). I can’t wait for next year!  
> On a more serious note, this chapter is when things start to get real, if you may. Some dark content, that may be triggering for people triggered by non-con, is on its way. If you are weary of that stuff, I suggest you don’t read the end of the chapter. I tried to make it non-explicit, as this is a T story, but it is very much there. It plays an important part in the storyline. You’re warned!

As soon as the violent throbbing in her head began to ease away, the first conscious thought that April had that wasn’t screaming in pain was that she needed to get rid of that man.

“April! Are you okay?” Donnie says to her, sitting in front with his hands on her shoulders and his sad brown eyes baring into her own. Raph, Casey, Splinter and Mikey surround her as well, concern written on all of their faces.

“What was that about?” Casey asks, as she attempts to regain herself.

“Sensei, you can’t let that man near any of us ever again,” she says bluntly, her voice shuddering lightly in fear.

“Why not? The man was perfectly kind and helpful to all of us, was he not?” Splinter says.

“It’s just… when I made eye contact with him, there was this weird fizzing in my head, and it automatically started burning. Just by looking at him, I saw so much darkness that it completely overwhelmed me. My head just automatically burst into pain because it couldn’t react to absorbing so much evil,” April says, taking Donnie’s hand to get up.

“I do not believe I understand. A ninja can always catch the vibe of an enemy, and I have felt nothing. It is very disrespectful to dishonor a man who is willingly offering to do so much for our family when he doesn’t have to,” Splinter responds.

“Master Splinter, you aren’t understanding! I don’t always get psychic surges, but when I do, it happens for a reason. Being perfectly honest, I don’t think I’ve ever received a blow that strong when I looked at someone’s soul, not ever. He has to be up to something! He’s deceiving you!” she finishes.

“April, that is enough! I am not flattered by the tone you are using. You will not tear down an innocent man who has promised to help us out of this nightmare and I will not believe negatively of him until malicious actions are proven. I will have him meet Donatello tomorrow and that is not up for debate with anyone,” Splinter says.

“Splinter, do you even get what you’re saying? It doesn’t even take being a psychic to know that guy’s a total creep! I got bad vibes the moment I saw him and I know something ain’t right about the guy! April is _psychic_ Sensei, she can sense and understand things no one else can. You can’t just blow off a psychic! You saw the way her head burst just then!” Raph says.

“That is enough! I will not be insinuated as ignorant by children! I have made a decision and that is the end of it, and just because we have suffered horrible circumstances does not erase the consequence for disrespect in my home!” Splinter says, his frustrated voice cut off by the sound of Leo coming in through the door.

He is wearing that old hoodie again, and has that same lovey look in his eye that was here earlier before the argument faded it away.

The heated gaze of Splinter falls towards his oldest son, who pauses in the doorway when he feels the amber eyes enlocked on him. The rest of the room stays silent, knowing the awful glare is only reserved for a kind of furious existing in their father that no one wanted to see.

“Leonardo,” he says, his voice heavy but neutral, “Meet me inside the dojo immediately. The rest of you, get off to bed.”

Splinter turns immediately, disappearing behind dojo doors.

Leo’s face turns into a slight sulk again, and he slugs agonizingly slowly after his father, ignoring the many pairs of eyes glued onto him.

“Serves him right, running off like a little bitch and ditching the rest of us to fend for ourselves,” Raph says, walking casually away from the situation with anger in his eyes, Casey following immediately behind. Shortly after, April and Donnie disappear into the room once more. That leaves Michelangelo, who decides to sit down and await the return of his eldest brother. He didn’t know what was going on, but his baby brother senses were telling him that Leo needed some consoling.

Leonardo couldn’t deny the nerves that went through his body as he followed into the dojo, seeing his father in meditative position and not yet acknowledging his entrance. He hated when his father was mad in general, but the anger being focused to him might be one of the worst things Leo can possibly endure. Once his father looks down on him as a disappointment, he knows that he has completely fulfilled his role as a complete failure.

“So, you have decided to not only disobey me, but abandon your entire family when your presence was specifically required?” Splinter finally asks, his eyes still shut closed as Leo timidly sits down beside him.

“I’m sorry Sensei…I just couldn’t take being in there anymore,” he responds, his voice hardly even audible and filled again with anxiousness and vulnerability. As soon as the final word leaves his mouth, Splinter’s hand comes immediately across his face, causing Leo to yelp and lose his balance. The boy nervously looks back up, bringing his hand above his mouth where the blood now carefully seeps through his fingertips.

“How dare you say that to me. This family is a responsibility that you must carry and cannot leave at times of inconvenience! I have always raised you to be better than to run away from your problems, much less abandon your responsibilities! What has gotten into you, Leonardo? Why are you behaving so out of character? I understand that was has happened has a great toll on all of us but what exactly has brought on this new surge of disrespect?” Splinter shouts, staring at the tremble in his oldest son’s chin.

Just as he takes a moment to examine this unfamiliar hoodie, Splinter is stopped dead in his tracks as a familiar smell hits his nose. A smell that he hadn’t been around for over a decade, and one that he thought he would never smell again. Especially on one of his children.

Leo’s frown intensifies as he the pressure of the glare burns into his skin, the throbbing of his heart vibrating through his plastron. As soon as the glare of disappointment fades into one of surprise and disbelief, he instantly knew what must have happened. Jesus Christ, he was such an idiot. Mikey, or even the rest of his brothers, would be easy to fool, but there was absolutely no way he could hide from Sensei.

This is it. Life as he knew it was going to be even more gone than it already was.

“Oh…well, that would bring a bit of more explanation to things,” Splinter says, and in one swish swipes the hoodie clean off, exposing the love bites and bruises all over Leo’s neck and chest. Splinter confirms his beliefs in an assertive growl.

“Father, I’m so sorry, I just was feeling so lost as she was there and I didn’t know what to do,” Leo starts, an intimidated crack in his voice.

 “Who, Leonardo?” he says, leaning over and picking up his son by the shoulder. “Who have you done this with?”

Leonardo did not have a girlfriend, or not that Splinter knew of. That only meant the worst, and he would die before his most promising son brought dishonor.

Leo didn’t respond, choking on his own thoughts and beginning to visibly tremble in every inch of his body. For the first time in his life, he was just unable to answer his father.

“Leonardo, I have asked you a question. Who has taken my child’s innocence? Who was so dear to you that you have decided to disobey all of the morals and honor I have tried so desperately to raise you with?” he asks, a chilling neutrality to his voice as he lifted his son closer to him.

Leo knew there was no avoiding this. There was no way he could possibly escape this, and he knew lying would only make everything worse. He had to tell the truth, and then accept the consequences for what he has done.

“Karai,” he whispers, hardly above a mumble.

“What did you say?” Splinter asks, his tone raising.

“Karai,” he says, forcing his tone to be as audible as possible. He wasn’t going to tell him that he thinks he loves her. That would only make things worse.

It was swift as the back of the man’s end slapped against Leo’s face again, a thin dribble of blood dripping from his beak. He leans over Leonardo, rage fulfilling him.

“Are you meaning to tell me that you have been whoring around with the daughter of the man who has not only killed my wife, but has been making our life a living hell for years? The very ones who are trying to kill us and will tear us all apart at any given moment? You have been so much of a fool as to give into lustful needs and in return not only endangering yourself, but our entire family? Am I supposed to believe that we are all now at risk because of your idiotic actions?” Splinter says, and he has never felt more anger at one of his children ever in their lives.

“I’m sorry, D-Dad. I’m so s-sorry,” Leo says, not knowing what words could possibly exist that would excuse what he had done. Two lone tears streak down his face, and despite the emotional weakness of being a Father Splinter’s anger could not falter.

Splinter is about to smack his son again, but stops midair when the boy only crumples his face in response, tears and blood meeting at his chin. He only moves quickly off of Leonardo and faces the opposite way, trying to conceal the tears that were forming in his own eyes.

“Go, Leonardo. I do not wish to see you. You have dishonored me,” he says, forcing the words out as he hears his child immediately gather himself and run out of the room, taking the abused hoodie with him.

Splinter allows his tears to pour as the room again feels with silence, and ever since sixteen years ago, when he was family less and newly mutated, he couldn’t recall feeling so lost.

Mikey almost teared up himself as he had listened to the whole thing, sitting just outside the dojo. Damn, this was bad, this was really, really bad. Leo usually moped around for a week tops just from a simple lecture.

“Leo!” Mikey called out, seeing his now sobbing brother zip through the hallway. It doesn’t take long for him to catch up with Leo, grabbing hold of his shoulders and throwing him beside him at the edge of the wall.

“Hey buddy, it’s okay! I’m here Leo, I’m here,” Mikey says, wrapping his small arms tightly around Leo’s chest.

“G-Go Away, Mikey,” Leo says, trying to break free from his little brother’s grasp but too weak to do so.

“No Leo, I’m not going to go away. I heard everything that happened in there. It’s okay, I’m here for you,” he says, rubbing his fingers along Leo’s back.

“I’ve done some-something really bad. Y-You wouldn’t understand. I don’t des-deserve you,” Leo says.

“I know what you did, Leo. I’m not as much of an idiot as you guys make me out to be. Sometimes people do things they usually wouldn’t when they’re sad, and that’s true for you and Sensei. You could never do anything to make me love you anymore than I always have. C’mon, we’ve gotta ice your face and then we can get ready for bed. Please, just let me take care of you,” Mikey says nuzzling his face against Leo’s temple.

Mikey always had something in him, something that made him seem like he was an actual ball of love and light itself. It made you feel safe and comforted and loved, and it was what made Leo break down in his baby brother’s arms, allowing Mikey to hold and comfort.

“He hates me…” Leo cries, tucking his face deep into Mikey’s shoulder. “Father h-hates me!”

“Shh…no. He would never hate you. He loves you, but sometimes we get mad at people we love. All of us love each other, and nothing is going to change it. I know it Leo, I know it! We’ve just gotta have patience and love and we could all be a family again!” Mikey says, bringing back his usual large smile of optimism. Everyone was mad, that was it. The only reasons everyone was so mad was because everyone loved each other, and right now was really scary. They were all going to be alright, just like they always are. Mikey would never let anything less pass.

Leo just continues to sob, using all of the sadness that he’s ever felt in his life. This week, his greatest fears were coming true. He was a failure. He had first failed his brothers, led his younger brother to suicide. Now, he had failed his entire family name, and had dishonored the only person that he lived to impress. He didn’t belong here anymore and his family would never want him here again. Once Mikey grew up and stopped seeing the world from an innocent child’s perspective, he would hate him too.

“C’mon Leo. You’re still bleeding and we’ve gotta get that iced up,” Mikey says, pulling Leo up with him and holding his arm around his shoulders. Even when Mikey’s frame was nearly half the size of Leo’s, the older boy leaned into his touch, absorbing the little amount of love that he would ever feel again.

Mikey was gentle as he pressed the ice pack against Leo, alternating it to his beak and his mouth. The blood soon seized and remained on the tissues, tossed quickly to the trash. Mikey rubbed the back of his head in comfort as he tended to Leo’s injuries, much like Leo had done to him many times before. It was strange for Leo to have the roles switched, but he had to admit it felt great to lean into Mikey’s affectionate gestures.

“Let’s go big brother, I think it’s time for bed. I’ll sleep with you tonight, okay?” Mikey says, taking Leo’s hand in his and leading him up to the room. Leo only groans in response, his sight blurry from the tears and allowing himself to take Mikey’s lead.

Mikey follows up to Leo’s room, taking the hoodie off of his arm and setting in on the side. He prepares the blankets and pushes Leo inside, immediately following after him and shutting off the light.

Slightly to Leo’s annoyance, Mikey kicks around to make himself comfortable and messes up all of the blankets. The annoyance immediately disappears when Mikey lays his arm around Leo, snuggling into his neck.

“Goodnight, Leo. I’ll love you forever and ever,” Mikey says, kissing Leo’s cheek and then closing is eyes. He hopes that he made Leo feel a little bit better. After what had happened to Donnie, he would never let one of his brothers be sad ever again.

“Goodnight, baby brother. I love you too,” Leo says, his eyes remaining open as Mikey dozes off. Now that his brother is asleep, he wouldn’t feel so bad about letting his dark thoughts return back to his head. He sat awake for hours that night, thoughts of his family stormed through his mind.

He wasn’t good enough for his father. He was not the son that he was always meant to be. He had tried so hard to be perfect, so hard to be a good boy, and he had failed.

Well, if he wasn’t going to be what he had spent so hard trying to be, he might as well start doing the opposite.

X

Donatello didn’t keep track of how much had time had passed since he had awoken, but he had spent the entire time sitting upright in his bed, staring at the wall lost in thought. Today was the day he was supposed to see that psychologist. A situation that he didn’t trust at all, especially after April’s reaction. He would have enough fear at the thought of his mind being invaded in the first place, but this was a whole different twist on the tale.

April and Raphael wanted to talk to Splinter about it again, but their Sensei had not even exited his room this morning. Leo had done the same, although Mikey had come out of his room a few hours ago and said that they were both having a hard time. It wasn’t very hard to hear what had gone on last night, yet it seemed Mikey was the only one to be sympathetic. Casey had returned home for a brief while and Donatello had just sat there, wishing he could melt away inside and never return.

Raph was still not on the best terms with him, but it was clear that he was worried about him seeing a psychologist. All of them were, and Mikey seemed minorly guilty to have brought the man in the first place but stood on his argument that they had to take any chances for Donnie to get better.

Donnie is almost startled out of his skin when he hears a knock at the door, some of his nerves calming when he sees that it’s only April.

“You doing okay?” she says, pushing in a small tray.

“I’m managing. What’s that all about?” he asks, seeing her sit the table in front of them and sitting beside him.

“Well, I thought it would do both of us good if we sit down for a little breakfast. I know it’s past noon, but you haven’t eaten and Mikey really wanted to make some breakfast,” she says, revealing pancakes and eggs with two mugs of coffee.

A small smile grows on Donnie’s face. “God, I can’t resist Mikey’s pancakes.”

“Didn’t think so,” she giggles, putting a plate on his lap. “Do you remember when I was staying here at the lair and I brought some pancake mix that didn’t involve worms or algae? I really thought you would eat nothing else ever again.”

Donnie chuckled at the memory. “We aren’t eating worms and algae ever again, that’s for sure. Or remember the time you had come in to brush your teeth with no bra on and we all freaked out?”

April’s face scrunches in laughter. “Oh god! You were such little boys!”

“Well what do you expect, we had never even seen a girl much less live with one! It was a scary adjustment, okay?” Donnie laughs with her.

“Or the time Mikey woke up in the middle of the night and decided to run into all of the rooms and start a pillow fight! I thought the veins were gonna pop out of Raph’s neck!” April laughs, recalling her best stories of the month and a half that she had lived underground a year and a half ago.

“Boy, he had to get revenge for that one! One moment we are all sleeping, the next we are all in the living room beating the shit out of Mikey with pillows,” Donnie smiles in fondness at the memory.

“Okay, but how about the part when a pillow flew in Master Splinter’s room,” April says, a mischievous glare filling her eyes just like she was reliving the exact night.

“Oh god, I was sure that was going to be the end of the world. We heard him coming out and we all froze in our paths and expected the worst and I will never forget the look on Mikey’s face when Sensei hit him with the pillow,” Donnie says, a mischievous glare reflecting on him as well, an emotion he hadn’t felt in months.

“Those were the good days, man. We should really do that again, you know. Forget all of our problems and just have some giant pillow fight for the entire night, all of us. We could really use that right now,” April suggests.

Donnie sighs sadly. “I wish it were that simple. Those days are over, and only because we are all so different. Me and Raph can hardly even stand being in the same room.”

“Donnie, don’t you start thinking Raph hates you or anything like that. You should’ve seen how broken he was, how broken we all were, when we thought we were going to lose you. He is only acting hostile because he is still so shaken up and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He loves you, Donnie,” April adds, resting a palm on his shoulder.

“I just don’t know about anything, April. Things weren’t supposed to turn out this way and that’s why everything is so messed up,” he replies.

“Things were supposed to turn out this way. Without you, none of us would be here. We simply can’t survive without you. None of us,” she says.

“Let’s get to some TV, yeah? No sense in getting your head wrapped in something that you cannot undo,” he says, and April abruptly nods in agreement.

“You know what it’s time for?” April says with a smirk as she holds the remote to the selection of films.

“I think I do,” he replies, returning the excited smirk as April goes straight for their old favorite show. The one they would always watch together, get into together.

“Our Supernatural parties are far overdue, don’t you think?” she asks, selecting the episode they left off at and leaning back into Donnie’s chest. 

“Certainly, I’d say a cup of coffee was far overdue as well. I don’t know how I even functioned without this stuff for this long,” he says, smiling in bliss as he puts the cup to his lips.

“I knew it would make you smile. Donnie without coffee is clouds without thunder,” she says.

“Actually, thunder is the sound coming of a nearing storm, and clouds are only full of precipitation that is not necessarily pouring out of it and therefore not involving a storm- “

“Oh shut up, you big dork,” she says, bringing his head to her chest and holding it there as they lay in front of the TV, getting captivated by the series as they had many times before.

Two hours later, Donnie is urgent to play the next episode when April lightly pushes his hand away. “Donnie, it’s already 2:45. The psychologist is supposed to be here in fifteen minutes. You might wanna get ready.”

Donnie groans, sitting upright off of April. “Get ready to run, more like. I swear, I would rather do about anything in the world rather than see this psychologist.” Slight anxiety began to fill his veins, causing his palms to grow sweaty. April notices this, taking his hands in hers and lightly caressing his wrist.  

“I know sweetie, I know. I really don’t want this either, with that man at least. You’ve just got to stay strong and pull through, alright? I’ll be standing outside the door the whole time so that you can yell for me if anything bad happens. You’re going to make it through this,” she assures him.

“Yeah, I guess so. It doesn’t look like I have much of another choice, do I?” he says, squeezing her hand lightly.

“Why don’t we write a few things in your notebook, and you can show the progress that we have been making in our own?” she suggests.

“Yeah, I think that’d be a good thing. We can show I haven’t been acting completely unprogressive, right?” he says, reaching for the notebook.

“And you certainly have, Donnie. You are at least trying and you don’t understand how proud I am of you for that,” she says, rubbing his back as he adds some items to the list.

_#9 – Mikey’s pancakes_

_#10 – Old memories_

_#11 – Watching Netflix_

_#12 – Warm Coffee_

A warm smile grows across April’s face, planting a kiss on Donnie’s cheek just before there is another knock at the door. Both teens freeze in nerves before it opens automatically, seeing Splinter enter. There is something strange about his vibe, as if he had fifty pounds sinking in on both of his shoulders.

“Donatello, the psychologist is here to see you,” he says, the shape of a man behind him showing through the door.

Donnie takes a big gulp and April kisses his temple in response, rubbing his hand affectionately. “You can do this, Donnie. You’re going to be okay. You’re the best friend in the entire world and I love you.”

Donnie nuzzles April back before she reluctantly leaves the room, following Splinter out. In their place, the strange man stands, wearing the same matching fedora and trench coat. Donnie tries not to react to his presence, turning his gaze to the side and leaning as far back as he can.

“Good afternoon, Donatello. It is my greatest pleasure to be seeing you,” the man says, pulling a chair and sitting in front of Donnie. Donnie doesn’t acknowledge his greeting, continuing to stare off into space.

“Are you not going to respond to me, boy? After I have gone through so much for only the chance to converse with no one other than yourself?” the man says.

“I am not the one that has asked you to come out here and am not obligated to tell you anything. If my little brother or my father like you so much, then you are more than welcome to go talk to them instead,” Donnie spits.

“Trust me darling, there will be more than enough time for that later. As of right now, all of the attention is focused on you. Despite your argument, I am afraid that you morally are more than obligated to talk to me. After all of the misfortunate agony that you have cast upon your family, do you not think it would be best for you to give them one ounce of hope?” the psychologist says.

“You know nothing of what goes on between me and my family. You have no right to intrude on business that has absolutely no connection with you,” Donnie replies.

“Sweetheart, your darling brothers have brought me into this far before you have. Now, you have no choice but to tell me everything, to confide that I will restore such a complex mind as your own. I know that you are attempting at life for the sake of April, will you not do the same for your family?” he asks.

“Please do not speak of me or my brothers that way, it frankly makes me feel uncomfortable. And how exactly are you aware of anything I do with April?” Donnie asks, beginning to grow confused.

“My sweet Donatello, still so ignorant of the truth. Even with that extravagant mind of yours, mine will always be superior. I know absolutely everything, and I can reach inside that big brain of yours from right where I stand. I have to admit that I am an admirer, such a miraculous psyche must be overwhelming for a boy your age. It is no wonder that you are trying to seek some sort of salvation. Christ, that mind would be quite a joy to tear apart,” the psychologist says, his eyes filling with hunger and craving, causing Donnie to lean as far back into the bed corner as possible.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re just some creepy loon who probably found out some things by talking to the naïve members of my family,” Donnie insists.

“Oh really? Does any of your family know that you were already picking a day to try again? Do they know you had a plan to hang yourself sometime next week? Do they know you are so messed up because you feel as if you are the very fault and complication of your loved one’s lives and that April enjoys toying you for sport?” The psychologist asks, focusing hard towards Donnie and giving him a small headache.

Donnie stares at him in confusion, growing very unsettled by the way the man says his words.

“I know you, Donatello. I know every cracked tinker of your brain, and every broken thought that is swarming around your soul. Next time we meet; I highly suggest that you do not show me such disrespect. I could expose any thought you have, and you wouldn’t be able to do a thing about it. Next time we meet, we will start getting down to business, and you will be my willing patient. I will care for you and you will do nothing to oppose it. You wouldn’t want your family members to feel a sadness as great as yours, all do to your decisions. Wouldn’t you?” the psychologist finishes.

Donnie says nothing, only holding his glare towards the man and shooting as much anger as he possibly could. “No.”

“I anticipate our time together, Donatello. I can assure you that it will be most enthralling for all of us,” he says, reaching out to tap Donnie’s hand but Donnie immediately pulls his limbs out of the man’s touch. The man frowns and taps his fedora as he finally leaves the room, leaving Donnie alone to yell into his pillow in frustration.

“How has it went?” Splinter asks, he and April waiting outside of Donnie’s room. To April’s dismay, they couldn’t hear a thing through the doors but she was almost completely taken over by pain due to this man’s presence.

“It went very well. All we did was introductions today, so that Donatello will feel welcome with me. He is a very smart boy, and I know that I can do a lot of improvement for him,” the Psychologist smiles.

“You have no idea of the gratitude that would be due to you,” Splinter says.

The psychologist stands over and puts both his hands on Splinter’s shoulders, causing April to back up with Raph and Mikey soon behind her. “Splinter, I can sense great distress in not only the hearts of your children, but in your heart in itself. There is no pain greater than a parent who is losing their children, and I can assure that first hand. I promise, I will fix all of your children and make sure that your family is okay again. You will never again have to weep over the actions of one of your sons once I am through working my magic.”

“Your actions are that of great honor and compassion, and we will do whatever it is possible to help you in return, if we be of any service to you. Request anything and we will be willing to assist,” Splinter says, his hazel eyes glossy with gratitude.

“Actually, there is one thing in particular that I love to ask from you. Since I am doing work once more and have not any assistants to help me organize my office, it is very difficult to take care of it all on my own. If you could, would you be willing to send Michelangelo with me after I see Donatello for two hours to help me organize my paper work? I thought he would be the best choice for the job, considering he is the one who found me and so very eager to help,” The Psychologist requests, masking the kindest of smiles.

“Why, I’m sure Michelangelo would be willing! Anything we could possibly do to pay for your services. My son?” Splinter looks towards Michelangelo, who tries to hide the growing fear in his big blue eyes.

“Mikey isn’t going anywhere with him alone. If he’s going, so am I,” Raphael responds coldly.

Panic sudden shot through Mikey’s head. _If he didn’t play the way this man wanted him to, he wasn’t going to help Donnie._

“No Raphie, it’s okay. I’ll have my nunchucks with me and I will be fine, I promise! I’d love to help!” Mikey replies, pushing fake enthusiasm.

“Master Splinter, you can’t possibly be allowing this!” Raph shouts, both he and April filling with worry and protectively standing around Michelangelo.

“Raphael, how dare you show disrespect to the man who is helping us. Michelangelo has agreed and I have agreed, and you have the right to no input in the conversation. Now, I would like you to let this kind man and your younger brother to be on their way, so that he will be back by dinner time,” Master Splinter replies.

“Splinter, you’re blinded! You’re not acting like usual because you’re so caught up with everything that’s been happening! Mikey could get killed because you aren’t having any sense!” Raph shouts, only to catch an immediate slap on the cheek.

“I will not hear another word out of you!” Splinter shouts, turning away from Raphael and towards the psychologist. “I entrust you the safety of my son. Michelangelo, I am proud of you for what you are doing. I will be waiting for you by dinner time.”

“Alright, bye guys. Love you!” Mikey tries to show the usual positivity he would have, but can’t help the trembling fear in his voice.

As soon as he turns to leave, April and Raph begin to follow. In frustration, the psychologist turns around and stares directly at April, causing her to faint on the spot.

“April!” Raph shouts, catching her and glaring towards the man who was walking away.

“April!” Mikey starts, only to be yanked harshly away from his home.

“We do not have time to play with your friends anymore, sweetheart. I am your only friend to play with now, remember?” the psychologist says, holding Mikey’s hand and running along with him towards his own home.

Mikey is brought to a small, dark shack on the other side of town, a side that they only went to catch the deadliest of criminals.

“Why are you so afraid, my darling? Although I have to admit your eyes are absolutely irresistible when they are filled with fear,” he says, sending chills down Mikey’s spine.

“W-well, what exactly did you want to do? Are we really going to go through papers?” Mikey asks, hesitant to enter the small house but then immediately yanked inside.

“Of course not, baby. We are going to play the way I like to play, do you understand?” he says, pulling Mikey to a large bed in the center of the room. Mikey gasps as he takes in the surroundings, seeing a large wall filled with photos of kids his age. All of them in very disturbing situations, situations that Mikey didn’t even quite understand.

Mikey’s eyes filled with tears as he looked at the photograph, trembling violently when the man returned from the closet with a small amount of supplies in hand.

“Why are you crying? We are going to play a game! I know how much you love games, Michelangelo! Don’t you think my toys look exciting?” he says, setting things down as his large cold hand presses against Mikey’s chest, holding him in place.

“I don’t like this kind of game. I’m scared, and I want to go home,” Mikey says, wishing he could jump into the warm arms of his father or an older brother.

“But Mikey, did you not say you would do anything to save Donnie? How would you feel when your brother dies because you wouldn’t be brave enough to play a game with me? I promise you, you wouldn’t be daddy’s good boy anymore. Would you really kill your own brother?” he says, rubbing his fingers along Mikey’s cheek.

“NO! You have to save Donnie, you have to,” he says, nearing full on sobs.

“Well, the decision is all up to you, angel. Are you going to let me play with you?” he asks.

Mikey takes a deep breath, trying to stop the tears from flowing. He has to help Donnie. He has to save his brother.

“Yes, I will let you play with me,” he says, feeling disgust with himself as soon as the words leave his mouth.

Almost instantly afterwards the man presses his lips on his, rubbing his hands up Michelangelo’s sides. Mikey instinctively pushes him away, causing him to fall off of the bed.

“Wh-why did you do that?” Mikey cries, wanting so badly just to be up this creep and run as far away as he could.

“Michelangelo, how could you do this to me…I thought we had a deal,” he whispers, and Mikey’s eyes fill with fear when he sees the shiny metal bat. Before he can even react, the bat crushes straight into his right leg, causing him to scream in pain.

“I didn’t want to hurt you…but you didn’t listen to me. Why would I want to bruise such a beautiful little face?” he says, cupping Mikey’s shuddering chin before pounding a fist onto his face. After that, he just kept beating the small boy repetively, until Mikey was too weak to do anything on his own.

Mikey didn’t really know what was happening afterwards, only that he felt pain everywhere and that he felt hands touching him that didn’t feel right. He felt being touched in the place that he had never been touched before, and he had screamed again. Every time he would scream, the man would giggle, and he was getting sick to his stomach.

The only thing he could remember after that was begging for the man not to do this, if this could be enough playing for the day. Yet all of his pleads were ignored, replaced by touches or punches and finally, the greatest pain he had ever felt in his life shot through his lower body region.

Mikey didn’t remember anything after that, for after a very loud scream he had passed out immediately from the pain. Now, here he was, waking up in the same dark bed, laying in his own blood. Mikey had never felt more disgusting, not only racked by physical agony but a large sheet of filth that he could not shake off. As soon as he looked down, he saw that the largest source of his pain was not only from his leg, which was bent in a weird way. It was coming from the bottom of his shell, where the pain was throbbing immensely and a long river of blood was flowing out. Mikey turned around and pressed his hand over his mouth, more tears streaming down his cheek, when he realized what had been done. Something he had only seen on Criminal Minds. Something he never would imagine would happen to him.

The only next thing he remembered was sobbing his heart out, the most he had ever done in his life, wishing that somehow the man would come back and kill him. Yet there he was, beaten and violated, bringing his family nothing but shame.

“Anything for Donnie,” he whispers to himself over and over again, “I’ve gotta make Donnie better.” The sentence is repeated over and over as he falls asleep again, hoping that somehow he would never wake up.

**_A/N: Yes, I know, I am on my way to hell now. My poor baby will suffer a bit before he gets his justice. But his arc and what happens to him is very much important_ **


	11. Lost and Insecure

As soon as he had awoken once more, Michelangelo had no strength to cry any longer. He only knew how to hopelessly lay in sharp breaths of extreme pain, wondering if he would ever be home again. He couldn’t even have the strength to move off of the disgusting tattered bed, whimpering in pain every time anything came in contact with him.

He never wanted to look at anyone ever again. He was filthy and filled with shame, and he shuddered in disgust to even exist in his own body. He didn’t even completely understand what was going on, but he did understand the sudden urge to be swallowed and suffocated deep inside a black hole of nothingness.

“I’m sorry I had to break your leg,” the voice enters the room, causing the boy to shudder violently in fear. “This way, no one will notice if you limp around. See, no one is going to get into any trouble! Daddy will still think you are his good little boy and we can still keep playing together!”

Mikey tries his best to back to the farthest corner of the bed, but cries out every time he even attempts to move his leg.

“Speaking of your father, it is getting quite a little late. Your little phone has been going off for a while now, but you haven’t answered! As much as I hate to return my darling little doll, it is time that you are returned home until we meet again,” he says, sitting on the other side of the bed. Mikey’s eyes widen in panic. How the hell is he going to go home like this? He can’t let his family see him like this, not in a million years. They would never get to know, what had happened. Not _ever._

“Don’t you worry, sweetheart. While you were napping, I took care of hiding everything that we need to. I’ve patched you up and cleaned the blood, and the only things obvious are your leg and the bruises on your face. You are going to tell them you got jumped on the way back. Would you like to know what is going to happen if you do not?” the man gets a little closer to Mikey, and he tries his best to suppress his harsh intakes of breath.

Mikey does not reply, only emptily staring back at him.

“If you tell anybody the way we play, Donatello will not be the only one who will suffer. Yes, refusing me will assure the death of your brother. However, telling someone about our playing is a whole different story. Once they find out how much of a bad boy you are, they are not going to want you anymore. They will never love you once they find out how much of a whore you are. I’ll be there as soon as I find out, and we can laugh as everyone in your house is hatched into little pieces with my axe just before you are left to rot with me in here forever. Do you understand?” his voice is sharp and menacing, a tone of evil that literally made Mikey’s ears burn.

He nods nervously, hoping for any excuse to get out of this place and far away from this monster.

Mikey squealed as he was lifted up, remaining in the grasp of the man’s left arm. He shuts his eyes helplessly as he is escorted through the streets, almost oblivious to all of his surroundings as suddenly nothing seemed to matter as much as it used to.

He screamed again when he was dropped, tears welling up again as his leg throbbed in pain. Despite the pain that shot through being excruciating, he would take anything over being in the touch of that man.

“Now you can call big brother to come pick you up from here. I’ll be back to see your brother again in a few days. See you then, baby doll,” the man says, and disappears without another trace.

Mikey spends another few seconds laying and shivering on the asphalt, so afraid of seeing his family members after what has happened.

_It’s okay, it’s all okay. They are never going to realize how dirty you are. As long as you get Donnie the help that he needs._

Finally, he reaches a shaky hand and pulls the battered phone from his bag. Speed dialing Raph, he feels his voice start to go shaky again.

“Mikey? Where the hell are you?! I thought you were coming back hours ago!” Raph shouts.

“Raphie,” Mikey says, in a small broken voice that he’s never had before. “Something bad happened to me and I need you to come get me. I’m in the seventh alley.”

Mikey can feel Raph’s panic from the other side of the line. “Mikey? Okay, we’re on our way, we’ll be there in a second. Just hang on a minute kiddo, alright?”

Mikey nods, seeming to not realize that Raph wouldn’t understand the gesture over the phone. He started to nod off again, and before he knew it he could hear his brothers’ voices surrounding him.

“Mikey! You awake, buddy?” he feels Donnie approach and stroke over the injuries of his face, sending chills down his spine.

“I’m okay,” Mikey says, his voice a hoarse whisper.

“Who did this to you?” Leo asks, examining his baby brother’s bent leg in horror.

Before he can respond, Raph pounds the wall as hard as he can, startling his youngest brother. “I knew it! That fucking creep! Where the fuck is he, Mikey?!”

“N-No, it wasn’t him,” Mikey says, feeling a burning guilt through his chest from the lie. “I just got jumped by some purple dragons with baseball bats. They had guns so I had to watch it and they had already shattered my leg before I could press the panic button. I’m sorry guys,” Mikey’s face cringes as Donnie lightly traces his fingers along the fractured limb.

“C’mon kid, we’ve got to fix you up,” Leo says in a comforting big brother tone that always relaxed Mikey when he was hurt or sick. Once he slides his arms under his little brother’s shell, Mikey yelps and violently pushes out of grasp, shocking all four of them.

Mikey’s mind starting filling with rage towards himself. Was he actually scared to be touched by his own brother?

“Sorry, just hit a bruise,” he lies, trying to look as casual as possible. Leo and the two others share weary looks to each other, but he is able to lift Mikey safely with only a wince in response.

“This is a bunch of bullshit,” Raph mutters, the three of them running with Mikey cradled in Leo’s arms.

“Anything else hurting? I’ve got to make sure you didn’t break any ribs,” Donnie asks as he prepares to go into medic mode. After they had got the call, Splinter and April began preparing the infirmary for whatever there was that they were going to expect.

“I don’t know, I can’t focus any pain that’s not in my leg,” Mikey says, which was halfway true.

“My child! What has happened to you?” Splinter asks, taking Mikey from Leo at the doorway and laying him down.

“I got jumped, couldn’t defend myself real good because they had guns,” Mikey says briefly.

“Sensei, you and I both know that this is a load of crap. That man must have done something to him!” Raph yells, April gasping behind him.

“Raphael, how dare you make an accusation that severe! Are you really going to act shallow enough to use your brother’s injury as an excuse for your conspiracy?” Master Splinter shouts back. Raph begins burning up in anger, and is only contained by April’s understanding hand sitting on his shoulder.

“Your leg is obviously broken, so I’m gonna have to cast it and you’ll use crutches for a while. Other than that, you should be fine,” Donnie says, preparing a cast for Mikey’s leg.

“See guys? I ain’t dying, I’m fine. You don’t have to start worrying about me!” Mikey says, using every strength he had in his body to force out a smile.

“My condolences go to you, my son. I am sure your brothers will take care of the thugs who have attacked you,” Master Splinter says, patting Mikey’s shoulder and exiting the room.

“You sure you doing alright, little brother?” Leo asks, sitting on the bed side as Donnie casts Mikey’s injured leg.

“I’m fine, Leo. We’ve all broken bones before, I’ll get over it. It was just really scary at the time,” Mikey says, and as time passes he realizes how important it is to seem normal for the sake of his family.

“Alright, Mikey. Make sure to get some sleep,” Leo says, nuzzling Mikey’s head before sulking off to his room. He couldn’t handle being near his other family members for a second longer and he had plans for tonight. It was just crucial that he made sure Mikey was okay.

“Mikey, c’mon. I know you weren’t jumped by some dragons. April knows these things. You’re safe to tell us the truth, okay?” Raph says, he and April both leaning over Mikey with looks of concern. Donnie tuned it as well, hoping April would be able to sense if something really had been going on that they didn’t know about.

“I did tell you the truth. Do you really think I’m the type of guy that would make something up?” Mikey replies.

“Sweetheart, I can feel all of the darkness inside you right now. It’s okay to tell us what happened and let us in. You don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time,” April says, concentrating on Mikey’s state of mind and getting shocked at the results. Mikey had always been such light, a pure ball of happiness, innocence and positive energy. Why was it that now she felt such cold darkness and trauma?

“Being honest, I’ve been extra stressed about everything that’s going on lately and snapping my leg didn’t help it. That’s all there is to it! I swear!” he says, beginning to grow increasingly frustrated with their stubbornness.

“Leave Mikey alone guys, stressing him out is only going to strain his injuries,” Donnie says, not bothering to look up from his attention on Mikey’s leg.

“You’re one to talk, considering this is all your fault anyways,” Raph says, turning away bitterly.

“How the hell is it my fault?” Donnie asks, growing annoyed.

“Because all of us know who really did this and that someone is only in the picture because of you and your selfish little act that you’ve been playing. Glad to know you let Mikey get hurt in the process. Some big brother you’re being,” Raph scoffs, walking out of the infirmary. Now would be the perfect opportunity to call up Casey and ask him for some drinks.

Donnie is silent after Raph leaves, both April and Mikey looking at him in concern. His eyes shine with unshed tears, a solemn and pained look on his face.

“You know he didn’t mean that, Donnie. He’s upset because of what happened to Mikey,” April says, but Donnie does not acknowledge her.

Mikey was horrified. He was taking all of this for Donnie, and now it was going to backfire? This wasn’t Donnie’s fault at all! He was making the choice to save him!

“No Donnie, you did nothing wrong! The dragons that jumped me had nothing to do with you! You’re the best big brother and I know you would never let me get hurt!” Mikey says.

“Here are your crutches,” Donnie says, bringing the two tools to Mikey once the cast is on. “I know that you know how to use them. It’ll be about eight weeks until your leg is healed. Get your rest now kiddo, it’s gonna be really sore tomorrow,” Donnie says, and leaves the room without another word.

“Can you get to you room on your own?” April asks.

“Yeah, I think I’m good. Donnie probably needs your help more than I do,” Mikey says.

April nods and gives him a reassuring smile, pulling Mikey into a hug.

“Whenever you’re ready, I’m always here to talk about what happened. You aren’t alone,” she says, and although she doesn’t know what really happened she knows it’s really bad. She makes sure Mikey gets back to his room and gives him a warm smile before following Donnie.

Mikey lets out a sigh of relief when he feels himself alone, the smile immediately drooping off of his face. Using the crutches, he rushes as fast as he can to the safety of his own room. Trying his best to balance towards shutting the door, he loses balance of the walking tools and falls over, squeaking in pain when his leg hits the floor. After that, the boy has no energy to get up and try to move to the bed. Instead, he remains in a crumbled position on the floor, sobbing his heart out once more and staring back at himself in the mirror.

They were never, ever going to know. He would never let his family see him hurting, never let them push away another tear.  He would take care of his demons all on his own, and if he broke in the process it would all be okay.

He would do absolutely anything in the world for Donatello.

It was that moment that Mikey decided that he would make sure to look the happiest he can, concealing anything that goes on with him. If he was going to break, his family sure wouldn’t be involved.

The only thing he could do was cry to his teddy bear for the entire night long, wishing that somehow he could have never been born.

X

Donatello ran to his room as quickly as possible, hoping no one would make it behind him. Oh god, this was bad. He was feeling all pale and shaky again, and his body was burning inside out with the increasing urge to relieve himself with an old habit. He could feel his head swarming up with the stinging of hornets as the words of his older brother continuously strike through his veins. As soon as he escaped to his room with the door locked, he threw all of the objects on his desk out of the way, rushing to get what he needed. Finally, he reached the small box he was looking for, slamming the drawer and collapsing against the wall with the box in hand.

A demented smile grew across his face as he opened it and pulled out the small piece of metal, letting it rest delicately in his hand.

He knew what he had to do. The only thing that he knew how to do when his head was burning this badly. If he wasn’t in such a rush, he would’ve sealed the whole deal here and now. Raph was right, he was a horrible brother that only made things harder on the family. His biggest fears were confirmed and now he had no choice but to get rid of his own miserable existence.

“Donnie? Are you okay?” her voice seeps under the cracks of the door, paralyzing him in place.

He doesn’t have the words to reply, just sitting still in place with the small blade still resting in between his fingers.

“Donnie, you’re starting to worry me. Can you please open the door?” she says, making her voice so calm and soothing, as if she were a nurse trying to ease a small child into getting an injection.

“I ca-can’t,” he says, and anyone who didn’t know him better wouldn’t have even realized that he had spoken at all.

“You’re okay Donnie, you’re fine. Everything is okay. You are strong and you are better than this, I know that. I know that you can open this door,” she says, but his panic only begins to rise more.

Without realizing what he was even doing, he swipes the blade lightly against his good wrist, feeling a bit comforted by the sting that it brought.

“You have to go April. You have to leave,” he says, worrying that loss of control was going to occur any minute.

“I’m not going anywhere, Donnie. Not ever,” she says, working on a way to pick the lock of the door.

Her words were the lightning that snapped his barriers in half, cracking him out of his frozen state of mind. He whipped his arm as hard as he could and let the blades slam against the wall, all of them bouncing back at him.

“NO!” he shouted, startling her through the walls. “You’re lying! You’re going to grow up some day and move far away and forget all about me, and I wouldn’t even blame you. Why would you want to spend your life underground with goddamn freaks! You don’t love me; you only are telling yourself that. This is not what you want. You would never want me!” he yells, throwing anything in reach just to be satisfied by the sight of it breaking into pieces.

“That’s enough! I’m not gonna tell you to open this door again!” she says, pounding on it in frustration. Fear started running through her as she pondered the possibilities of what he could be doing. What if he had damaged his injured wrist? That would reopen the room and the horrors of the other night would come back to reality!

What if those were his intentions?

“You are wasting your time. I know that you don’t love me and you don’t have to pretend. I know that I’m a bad brother and I know that I’m not supposed to be here! Just leave me alone!” he says, and April takes that as the queue to use all of the strength in her small body and slam a round house kick against the door, forcing it to fly open.

Donnie was sprawled on the floor, his eyes angry and lost and having trouble focusing on a certain thing. Many of his possessions lay scattered and broken along the floor, and the small blades with old blood stains lay scattered amongst them.

“Donatello, look at me!” she says, leaning down to his level, but as soon as she rests a hand on his shoulder he shoots back up and runs in frequent circles once more.

“Jesus April, look at me! I destroyed my family, I destroyed myself, I turned into a psychopath all starting because you don’t love me! I know you don’t and it hurts so much every time you pretend otherwise! You couldn’t love me; it just wouldn’t make any sense! No one can love me! I am fucking pathetic and I am turning into a monster!” he says, tears streaking down both sides of his face.

April grabs both of his shoulders and uses all of her strength to pull him down, pinning him tightly against the wall with her knees resting on his legs and her hands cupping his face. “No, Donnie. No. You can never, ever be a monster and I never want to hear you say that ever again. I don’t know why you possibly think I am doing all of this to pity you when I try so hard to make you understand how much you matter to me. Don’t you know how much all of this hurts, to see you hurting like this? How much I want to take all of your pain away and give it to myself instead? You are the only person who’s ever understood me. I spent my entire life with no one other than my Dad to love and when you came along, you took all of my insecurities away. I think about your smile when I start losing doubt and I can push all of the trauma away when I am wrapped in your arms. I got addicted to the melody of the way you put your words and I would spend my entire life just listening to you talk about your passions. Every single time you went on patrol I was so terrified that I’d never see you again and then I would never want to see another day. Having you in my life made me notice the laughter of children and the shining of every star and the beauty of running under the sunlight, and even though our world is so goddamn ugly you make everything we have ever went through seem beautiful. I never was able to tell you how much of a part of me you’ve become because I didn’t know what would happen and I knew I couldn’t take the risk of loving you. I never told you enough before and it kills me to think about the fact that you would ever deny my passion for your existence, for I have never, ever felt something so great. I love you, Donatello. I love you so much and I want to scream it from the top of the world so that everyone on Earth can understand how much I am in love with you. Do you understand?”

Donnie stares at her for a moment, taking in the bright fire in her eyes mixing with heartache and vulnerability. He takes a few seconds to get lost in her gaze as he calms from his storm, slowly raising a hand to push the bangs out of her face with as much tenderness as he could possibly muster. She closes her eyes with the touch, and the thickness of intimacy surrounding them forced his heart to drop through his stomach. They stay like this for a while before she kisses him, holding his chin to face her and pushing her lips against his with all of the love in her heart. They both melted into the kiss and suddenly, everything was okay. This chaotic war surrounding them had faded away, and all of their hardships seemed to not matter because of the sparks that flew through them right now.

Of course, they had kissed before. She had kissed him for the first time at the farmhouse and they had kissed quite a lot on that…drunken night. Hell, they had even had sex before, something they had done while intoxicated and hardly even remember.

Yet for some reason, this kiss was so different from all of the rest. This kiss tore into their souls and ripped out all of their greatest fears and most concealed feelings, and was a mixture of passion and softness. So much so that both of them felt incomplete once they had pulled apart.

“I think it’s time we go to bed. Don’t you think?” she says, both of their hands still holding each other’s faces.

“I agree,” he replies, both of them stepping up and slinking onto Donnie’s bed, disregarding the tornado of broken possessions around them. All that mattered now was sleeping through the night, intertwined in each other’s arms and being hummed to rest by the sweet sound of his little breaths and her heartbeat.

X

Casey’s eyes filled with determination as he skated along the sidewalks, sliding his hockey stick along the cement to amuse himself. As much as he hated returning home, he knew what he had to do to make Raph feel better. In fact, this might just fix about everything – his father with less supply and his best friend with more! He couldn’t think of a better way to outlet the substances.

Of course, doing this would be a great risk to himself and he wasn’t exactly sure if he would make it. Sure, he had stolen booze for himself time to time, but one would hardly be noticed. This was going to be an entire load and his dear old dad was not going to be very happy about it.

Since he had been gone a few days, he didn’t think his father even noticed. The only thing that ever raised alertness in the man was when his drinks weren’t at immediate access, or if Casey had fucked up somehow at home. Those instances, where the attention was focused, were not pretty whatsoever. Yet Casey still had to decide if the only reason he hadn’t moved out was because he would take any attention he could get.

His sister had been staying with different friends, assuring that she never was home and anywhere near the drunken man. Casey typically did the same, spending the majority of his time at the lair or with April, but there were still several times where he would end up home along with his father. In a messed up sort of way, it was comforting. Punches and broken bottles were all that he ever knew, and it gave him a strange feeling that he did not like when he saw the boys and April with loving fathers.

He was sure not to drag much attention to himself as he entered, walking in as quietly as possible. Maybe some ninja stealth lessons wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

A flash of relief falls upon the boy’s face when he sees that his father is not in the garage. That would make it easy for him to snatch what he needed and dart before he was noticed.

A little more than five minutes passed as Casey snuck as many cans of beers in his bag as he can. Beer was a simple alcohol to start out with, and he thought Raph might be a fan. Once he was used to them, it would be fun to show him the variety of shot drinks that he could try. Donnie and April sure seemed to like it last time they had asked him.

Just as he packed the last cans and reached to close the fridge, a large hand aggressively locks over his fingers and his freezes in fear.

“Are you stealing from me, kid?” the deep voice says, and Casey really wishes he had packed a little bit faster.

“I’m taking what I need,” Casey replies sternly, ripping his hand free from his father’s grasp in a sudden strive of bravery.

As expected, he gets an immediate pop to the face, yet is too immune to such blows that he doesn’t even feel it until he tastes the blood dribbling into his mouth.

“You ain’t be touching anything that’s mine, ya little shit. Every can I see missing is gonna be another bone of yours that’s gonna get snapped!” he says, trying to jump at his son again. Casey slides out of the way, able to stand away from his parent.

“I ain’t scared of you anymore! This is my house and I’ll take what I want from it!” Casey says, standing defiantly and taking an exaggerated turn to walk away.

The man pounces at him, crashing him to the floor and punching a side of his face repetitively. Casey kicks and tries to struggle away, but the man still out strengths him.

“You taking all this to have a party with your little friends, huh? Well how about you bring your friends over here to play? I’ll show them a goddamn party,” the man gruffs.

“You are never going near them, creep! And if you tried, they could kick your ass any day!” Casey says proudly, advancing a rough head butt to his father.

“How adorable, a little group of kiddies wanting to play wrestle! How about I see what my pistol has to say about it?” he threatens.

“You stupid drunk. You know how to do nothing without this stuff. I’m never giving it back and you can go fuck yourself,” Casey says, proud to be getting a few hits back on the man.

“You little rat. Every year your mouth gets smarter and the closer I get to killing you. I see you touch my beer again and it’s fucking over,” the man jumps around for Casey, but misses every time. Little did he know that Casey had experience with far more dangerous threats.

“Sike!” Casey says, jumping from above and hitting his father with the bat. He falls unconscious immediately, showing success. Casey gives himself an assertive smile and runs out of the garage, ignoring his aching ribs and face so that he could hurry back to the lair.

As excited as he was to give these drinks to Raph, he also felt a slim amount of guilt for some reason. Something in him was telling him that just _maybe,_ this wasn’t such a good idea.

The red flag was enough for him to pause where he stood, contemplating throwing the bag of booze in some ditch and helping Raph through his pain some other way.

No, there couldn’t be anything to worry about. Raph wasn’t like his father, he would never be ruined by alcohol. He was going to be fine, and he was just going to help a friend.

This would have to help Raph, wouldn’t it?

X

Karai crossed her legs and picked at her fingernails with a smirk on her face, anticipating Leonardo’s arrival. She had always taken interest to him, and had always enjoyed the time that they spent on the side. Despite their family tensions, Karai knew that she could never hurt Leonardo. He was the only fun that she had over here.

Especially after they had been intimate, she swore she couldn’t get enough of the mutant boy.

Maybe the fact that her father would have her head if he learned she was fucking one of the Hamato boys was one of the thrills of it. Anything that involved rebellion was something she enjoyed, and the fact of how _wrong_ their relationship was happened to be one of the best things about Leonardo.

Hearing the nearby footsteps, she eases her head in excitement but is soon disappointed when she realizes the footsteps do not have the same pattern as Leo’s do. Looking over in annoyance, she finds the strange man who worked in the downstairs office. Many times over the course of the year he has worked here, she has felt his presence around her and it usually felt quite unnerving.

The kuniochi pounced from her place and landed in front of the man, making him jump.

“You. Are you not an office guy? Why do you seek my presence?” she asks, making sure to look as intimidating as possible.

“I-I do not mean to cause any trouble, miss. I have only come to greet you as I have not spoken to you before,” he says.

“That is unnecessary, our businesses have nothing to do with each other. Carry on with whatever you were doing,” she says.

“Why, I only wanted to be kind. I love talking to the young folks and I found it interesting that Shredder had a teenage daughter. You know, I used to have a daughter myself! She was rebellious and passionate, just like yourself. I also had two sons, one who was very smart and one who was happy and bright. I love to find whatever I can to remember them by!” he says.

“I am uninterested in your personal life story, although it is _quite_ fascinating. Why don’t you just get lost and consider yourself polite buddy?” she says, taking a section to examine him. “Hey, why do you have blood on you?”

“I am in the belief that you do not care for my personal life story, so you will never know,” he replies, and she frowns in response.

“I had just come back from some business to take care of and decided to stop by and say hello. It has been an honor to meet you, mistress,” he says, and disappears as fast as the night.

Karai raises an eyebrow in confusion, eyeing the spot where the man had disappeared to. Well, that was weird.

She didn’t know exactly why, but that guy really gave her the creeps. For someone who lived around the type of people that she did, that was really saying something.

“Everything alright?” the familiar voice comes up behind her, and her bewildered expression converts to that of satisfaction.

“Is it ever?” she turns, tracing her long fingers along with collarbone.

“Sorry I took so long to get out here. Mikey got jumped and I had to make sure he was alright,” Leo says.

“Aw, how darling. Aren’t you just the most perfect little boy scout?” she replies.

Leo frowns, letting it disappear when she kisses his cheek. Deciding to take action, he pulls her lips onto his and kisses her with as much passion as he has, the two of them sliding to the floor in a make out session.

Leo can’t help but let his thoughts from earlier wander, anger boiling up again. A small part of him would love to see the look on his father’s face if he were to see Karai leaning on top of him leaving a string of kisses down his neck.

“I’m really fucking done with Master Splinter right now,” he says, and this causes her to stop what she is doing.

“What? Mr. Perfect goodie two-shoes son angry with rat daddy? I must be dreaming!” she teases.

“I’m serious, Karai. I try so damn hard to be enough for him, and he only gets mad at every single thing I do. He hates me, after all that I’ve done. I guess the image of the perfect son that he always wanted just wasn’t meant to be me,” he says.

“Were you dying to defend your honor towards him not more than a week ago?” she chuckles.

“That was before he started treating me like this. I am a dishonor to him, he said it himself. Why should I try to impress him anymore when he doesn’t even want me as a son?” Leo sighs.

“Welcome to the club, sweetheart. There is no way to impress parents, really. You do everything they want and they still tear you down. It’s a lot easier just to disregard them completely,” she says, returning to leaving kisses on Leo’s neck.

“It just pisses me off! My whole entire life I’ve been trying to be something for him, and for what? This?! I’m fucking done,” Leo looks down sadly. “Karai, do you think you could help me?”

“With what? Am I not doing enough help already?” she smirks, seductively running a hand up his plastron.

“I mean besides that,” he giggles. “I don’t want to be a goodie two shoes anymore. I’m done. I want to try doing all of the other stuff, y’know, everything that I was always against. Maybe living your lifestyle would make me a lot happier. This does, I know for sure.”

“What are you saying? You wanna try being a baddie for once?” she asks.

“I just want you to show me some things, things that you think are fun but I was always too boring to do. Anything that would piss Splinter off. Any opposite of the stupid image I’ve always been trying to be,” he says.

“Aw, but angel Leonardo is my favorite! You being bad is like, say, me being good!” she says.

“Please Karai. You’re the only one I have right now. Help me free myself,” he says, running his thumbs up her cheeks.

Karai sighs while reaching into her bag, pulling out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. “Well, I suppose that having a new partner in crime could be pretty fun. I have always wanted to show you my type of living.”

“We can go out and do something next time we hang out. This time, after we talked, I was hoping we could stay here and play,” he smirks as she plops a cigarette into her mouth.

“Of course, you little slut. Boys just can’t get enough, can they?” she says, blowing a hoop of smoke into his mouth before kissing him.

Leo takes a cigarette from the pack himself, hoping that he would know how to light it after watching her so many times. He coughs right after the first puff, causing her to giggle. He would get the hang of this.

“We are going to have so much fun Leo,” she says, smirking as her mind fills with the most devious of plans. “We’ve got a whole world to wreck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upped the rating to M in order to stay safe, as I realize just how many dark subjects will be crucial parts of the story. Now, we are starting to get into the struggle that will happen with every individual character and I am excited. With the rating upping, I am free to do what I wish ;-)


	12. Catastrophic At Best

The man sat in the dreary dampness of his broken wooden home, more cracked from the evil and blood stains that have seen its walls than anything physical damage could ever do. He had only the glow from a small night lamp plugged into the wall, deranged by the twisted bodies of mosquitos that were caught inside the nob. For anyone else, for the young man who had been here last, this place would be a shack of hell, a castle in the deepest of infernos that would racket any possibly innocent inhabitant with insanity. For The Psychologist, the small house of horrors was home, and it gave him the comforting warming of heart that anyone would feel when they finally tuck into their bed at night. Although the walls were decorated with an assortment of photographs of the several projects he had enjoyed, hanging rusty weapons still stained with the loads of blood that had been shed, he still couldn’t help but see the memories of his children playing, running and snickering with a laughter so innocent that only a child can harbor it, every time he looked through the hall.

 His eyes stricken with tears, he reached through the splintered wooden drawers, reaching for a cabinet that happened to be the most very special. The first photo that fell into the grip of his long, bony fingers was the last taken family portrait, one that looked so very normal to anyone who would glance at it. He and his wife stood contently beside their three children- the girl, the boy, and the smaller boy all smiling before their parents. Those were the times before hell had begun, before his mind had taken control of him.

Life was well, several ages ago. He had been married to the most beautiful woman to ever walk the Earth, and had been blessed with three magnificent children. After adjusting to the remarkable abilities of his mind and the dying need for understanding of the advancements in his brain, he decided to major in psychology and focus his life onto the astonishing workings of the mind. Being a psychologist was satisfactory, but not in the way that he had originally anticipated. In fact, it mesmerized him so much that he was able to see into people’s brains that he had become addicted to it, serving his job only because he found such amusement in viewing the most twisted and distorted of tortured minds, looking through to their pain.

It wasn’t until after his powers intensified that he saw the joy in corrupting a mind.

The strength and dominance that he felt when he slowly cut into all of their deepest demons and yanked them through, watching the collapse of the psyche after the stabbing of his words. Desiring an upgrade of not only his career but the game that he could potentially have, he had started working as a forensic psychologist, overwhelmed by the fascination of seeing the minds of criminals.

This was also the time where he has learned that his powers do not belong to him alone, that he is not a unique single entity in this universe who happens to be blessed with a psyche more complex than anyone else’s. One of his patients had the exact abilities that he did, only he was much further in age and incredibly advanced. That man was able to see it instantly when the psychologist had intentions of destroying him, and the twisted joy that he found in breaking things apart.

That led to the other photos, all tainted with slight blood and dirt but placed perfectly aligned. His middle son hung by the neck in the hallway, his bone snapped and his eyes lifeless, after taking his own life. His mere mind was so far damaged by that man after the man had corrupted him that he simply couldn’t take living anymore. The next photos were of the daughter, murdered in front of him, and the littlest son, only murdered after ages of agony, his innocent stolen and his body violated. The poor mother, so traumatized and broken by the breaking of her family, had only crumpled apart and fallen forever, never to return. The loss of his family was punishment for the destruction that had he caused, karma for all of his chaos.

The Psychologist could not live without his family – he simply couldn’t. The only way he had managed to survive was to relive the last moment he had with them, often after a while of building up his toys to fit the exact moment. He would use his powers to find subjects that would so perfectly play the part, and his last dying vision of his precious family can be relived over and over again!

The man stroked the photographs of his dead children, wishing he could feel their minds at least once more. The only thing he had close to it would be seeing into the minds of those who were so much like them and playing with their demons for his entertainment. In fact, he had never found a group of subjects who were so alike them, who were so fitting to play the game, more than the one he had found now. It almost made him feel like he was that man, as if his liberator’s soul had combined into his, bringing them only the greatest of catastrophes.

As if it were a bomb cutting through the barrier of his serenity, the phone began to ring, darts through the heavy silence that he had previously been blanketed in. Instantly scattering the photographs and reaching for the device, the man nervously stumbles upon all of his demented possessions. Flipping his device towards him, he sees that the call comes from the very place that had just been on his mind.

“Speaking of my new foolish toys, here is one of them now,” he smirks, shaking his head slightly to shake off any sense of suspicion that could be led on.

“Splinter! How are you this morning, sir? Is there anything I can help you with?” he says, smirking to himself.

“Greetings, I deeply apologize for bothering you. Have I contacted you at a bad time?” the thick Japanese accent rings through the phone, and even without his psychic abilities the psychologist would be able to feel his uneasiness and distress.

“No, that most certainly isn’t the issue at all! I was just waking up and getting myself some morning coffee. However, just hearing you speak leads me to the assumption that you are not too chipper yourself. Is there something the matter?” he asks, using all of his energy to push into the voice of comfort and compassion that can win over any aching soul.

“Actually, that happens to be the reason for my call. You see, situations with my sons are getting quite out of hand since we have seen you last, and all of them have raked me into havoc, and I simply just am unknowledgeable to what I should do in this situation. I do not wish to sit back and result in failing as a parent,” he replies, the sadness seeping through the speaker.

“Why, of course. I definitely had meant my promise when I had assured you that I was here to aide your family, and assist you in any of your troubles. Would you like to meet up later on today? Talking through your troubles is always of great help,” he says.

Splinter hesitates for a second in contemplation. “Yes, if it isn’t any trouble to you, it may be nice to meet up with each other. Besides the point, it would be beneficial for us to get to know each other a little more.”

“Excellent! I will stop by in about two hours, if that is good with you,” the Psychologist smiles.

“It would be lovely. Thank you again, Psychologist,” Splinter replies.

“I look forward to meeting with you, Splinter,” he ends the call, a cold grin across his face.

The man smiles sinisterly as he puts away the deranged belongings, tucking them safely inside the cabinet to hide them from further harm. He turns to lightly admire his collection of photographs, all of the victims he had collected over the years. Boys on this very bed with him rammed inside of them, boys hanging by nooses, girls with slit throats. All of the cases had been so very interesting and exciting for him, reliving his family’s last moment with a lot of fun in it as well. All of the parents who had destroyed with a single breaking of their minds, invasion of their souls.

This case, however, was different from all of the others. This case was unique and it gave him a certain type of adrenaline that he had never felt. These kids were so much different from the others, isolated from society and not even fully human. Much different in appearance to the rest, yet equally desirable. Almost matching in personality to the original children. There was a light in Michelangelo that he had almost forgotten could possibly exist, a light that gave him so much power to destroy.

Collapsing on to the bed, the man pushed his face deep into the sheets, dirty and stained and full of sin. The boy’s smell was still there, almost as fresh as it had been when he had pushed his nose into his unconscious neck, and it gave him comforting thoughts of the bright blue eyes and how fascinating it was to see them losing their spark. The dry blood covered the dirt of the sheets, so much more bright and alive than the old faded and forgotten ones of past victims. He smiled as it smeared onto his face, his psychotic laughter reflecting the exact feeling he had gotten when he saw it flowing from the kid’s body. He could not wait to feel it flow again.

It seemed to be an eternity until it was time to meet his subjects again. He assumed he would not see Donatello or Michelangelo again today, so two of his projects would not meet any progress, but he would at least get far in advancements with his plans for Splinter. After all, he would also need some time to develop on case number four.

The man got up and redressed into a different suit and jacket, topping it off with his signature fedora hat, wiping the blood stains from his cheeks and replacing his evil smirk with one that is warm and friendly. Tipping his hat once and sliding on his boots, he leaves to try to establish a close friendship with a man as if he hadn’t just wiped his baby’s blood off of his face.

The psychologist looked professional and collected once he had arrived at the sewer home, an expression on his face that could never waver a psychopath. He knew that the other kids had their suspicions and bad vibes, but nevertheless Splinter would not take their point of view into consideration. His plans were all falling completely into place.

Knocking against the wall, he awaited a reply, seeing as the house was completely silent and appeared almost abandoned. The heavy tension throughout the family was straining on his brain, yet he could still feel remains of the vivid life that had filled this home not so very long ago.

Finally, the oldest brother came to the door, the one he had watched with Saki’s daughter but had hardly ever seen around here. The boy’s eyes were normally kind and honorable, his expression and appearance so very full of respect, but now he had eyes that squinted meanly and his mouth frowned sharply across his face. He smelled heavily of smoke and his aura brought something very unpleasant.

“What?” he asks, a bit too bitterly, leaning his foot against the wall.

“Hello, Leonardo. I am here to speak with your father, for he has called requesting my presence,” he says, reaching out for a handshake.

“Dojo,” Leo responds, ignoring his gesture and crossing out of the door, disappearing somewhere out through the sewers.

The psychologist shrugs, feelings the lust and mischievousness reflecting off of the teen as he hurries out of sight. He knows exactly where he is after, but that is not a concern of his right now.

Instead, he passes through the house in search for Splinter, headed towards the dojo that he had seen before. None of the kids were in sight, probably isolating themselves inside their rooms once more.

“Splinter? Are you here?” he calls out at the door to the dojo, awaiting a welcoming. Brief moments later, the door opens and Splinter is there, looking even sadder than he had the last time they had met, if that was even possible.

“Good afternoon, Sir. I give you great gratitude for coming here,” he says, in a very sad tone. His eyes are duller than usual and his body language is sullen, and the vibes he gives are of complete hopelessness.

“Of course! I couldn’t help but notice how upset you appear! Would you like to talk about it?” he says, trying to appear as comforting as possible and resting a hand on Splinter’s shoulder.

“Yes, that is the reason I have requested to speak with you. Here, take a seat and I will prepare some tea,” Splinter says, strolling into the kitchen.

The Psychologist sits, letting his eyes examine the large room. It was such an elegant place for somewhere in the sewers, and its vibes were peaceful and calm.

Soon, Splinter returned, sighing as he took a seat. The cups of tea sat on the small rolling table, and he took a large sip of his in an attempt to relax himself. The Psychologist nodded in gratitude before sipping into his own.

“I apologize…it is strange for me to be counseled by someone for once. I have not had anyone to be mentored by since my father, and that was ages ago. I am the only adult figure here and sometimes it is a bit overwhelming,” Splinter says, looking down in shame.

“It is only natural, as a human being, for you to feel the need to be comforted. You have held up strongly for so many years and have remained a stable role model for your boys, a position most people would not be able to follow. Especially in your situation, you have every right to your negative feelings,” The Psychologist follows.

“I…I just do not know what to do anymore. I have always seemed to have an answer for everything, always have been prepared to tackle any demon that may come my way. I have survived what felt like the worst that could possibly occur, I have battled the deepest stages of grief and unfortunate circumstance, I have remained strong and collected through every horrible thing that has come my way. Yet this… this may be too rough for even I to handle. My children are falling apart, after everything that they’ve endured. Now, I fear that I am going to lose them,” Splinter says, a deep sadness glimmering in his eye.

“I am aware of Donatello’s issue, an illness common in teenagers and definitely treatable. What is going on with the other boys?” The Psychologist asks.

“It seems my biggest issue is with Leonardo. He has always been my easiest child, so eager to please and never disobedient. He was the most promising and has served as an excellent leader for his brothers, always following my foot steps and never making me anything less than extremely proud. I would never expect to have any issues with him, not ever…yet he has done something that has broken my heart. He has been having intimate relations with the daughter of my greatest enemy, the clan that has cost us so much and who has tried several times to have all of us killed. I cannot believe he would do this to me… I cannot even look him in the eye. I did not know how things were ever going to be the same again. Ever since then, he has completely been disregarding my rules or orders, doing what he pleases and scowling disrespectfully when reprimanded. My boy now smells of smoke and sex when I cross his path and has acted as if he is an entirely different person,” Splinter says, his voice sounding more and more vulnerable by the word.

“It is normal for teenagers to undergo a rebellious stage,” The Psychologist offers.

“I have failed as a father. I have raised these children horribly and now I am facing the consequences. Leonardo has abandoned everything he always has worked so hard to be and it’s almost like losing a child, to have him so far gone. That’s not even getting started on Donatello, who no longer even wishes to live in the life I have provided for them. Where did I go wrong? What is now going to inevitably happen to my two other sons due to my parental errors? I have allowed myself to selfishly get wrapped into my own griefs and feelings and I did hardly anything when my youngest was injured last night. I do not deserve to be a father,” Splinter says, completely giving in and allowing a few tears to fall down his face. There was something about this man that hypnotized him, lead him into saying everything that was seeping through his mind.

“Hey, it’s alright. These demons of your sons have nothing to do with you as a parent. You are an excellent parent, one who has sacrificed so much to give even the tiniest bit of light to these children in such dark circumstances throughout their lives. You have done everything you can to make them happy and you have done a great job. Donatello is very sick, a chemical imbalance in his brain, and that is the fault of no one. All it takes is some proper treatment for him to heal, but it is of course very scary for the family in the meantime. Leonardo’s actions are from the distress he feels from Donatello’s situation, since he is so passionate about leading his brothers. He feels the same burden as you, as if he is somehow to blame, and acted out on a broken heart. All acting out from any of the boys is just a symptom of the heartache they are suffering. They are just kids, and their brother has tried to kill himself. It is very traumatic and deeply affecting, and it will of course result in their need to act out otherwise. The only way to handle this promise is to reprimand them and put them in their place, assure that they bring respect and good behavior while keeping in mind that you are not at fault for the way that they are acting. If you push them into line, they will return to the normal good kids that they are,” The Psychologist says.

“Punish them for their outbreaks? Is that such a wise way to handle a situation that is an outcome of emotional pain?” Splinter asks.

The Psychologist puts his arm around him. “Do you not wish to have the best behaved children possible? I am an expert on the mind, the way that it functions. You are the good parent and punishing the boys for their misbehaviors is only for their best, to create the best people that you can. You will do it because you are a good parent, and because you want what is best for your children. Do not worry Splinter, for this will all fall together. You will do your role, being both a support to your children and shaping them with rough love. I will fix your son, and that will mend the hearts of the others,” The Psychologist says.

Splinter hesitates for a moment, lost in thought. “Do you really think that we can do that?”

The Psychologist smiles and leans in, facing Splinter and painting the deepest image of sincerity in his eyes.

“Do not fret, my friend. I will make everything better. I will erase this pain from you and your family. I will make you all whole again. Trust me,” he says.

Splinter gazes at him for a while, thinking deeply of the man’s words. For the first time in forever, Splinter felt a deep sense of trust, feeling as if this man was one of the purest souls he could ever meet. This must be a guardian angel’s work, a gift to fix his broken family.

A smile grows across his face as he sips the rest of his tea, his way of telling the Psychologist that his trust in him is eternal.

It was that exact moment that the door opened once more, following the entrance of two of his sons. Raphael holds the door open as Michelangelo finds his way in, still getting the hang of walking around with crutches.

“Hey Sensei,” Raph says, not caring if his father was busy or not. He hadn’t seen any of them all day.

“Sorry if you were meditating or something but we just wanted to make sure you’re ok- “Mikey’s stops speaking mid-sentence when his glance reaches the center of the room where his father is, his eyes widening in frozen terror.

Raph turns to his little brother in concern as soon as he stops talking, making sure that he was physically alright. Raph is taken aback by the look of pure terror in Mikey’s eyes, causing his entire body to begin racketing with shakes. Raph doesn’t think he’s ever seen the kid look so truly terrified in his life, not even the first time they had come face to face with Shredder.

“Hello Michelangelo. How are you doing today? I have heard of your misfortune, and I am truly horrified. It is great to see you again!” The Psychologist says.

The voice snaps Raph’s head to the source immediately, his eyes beginning to burn with the most intense of fires as he sees the way that Mikey looks at this creep. Something must be up and the truth has not been told.

“Be polite, my son. Our friend is talking to you,” Splinter says calmly.

Mikey immediately turns around in an attempt to run out of the room, whimpering slightly. He swings his crutches a bit too fast, losing balance and collapsing in the door way. As soon as he is on the floor, the boy begins heaving with heavy breaths and little sobs of panic.

“Mikey!” Raph shouts, sliding to his side in a panic. He pulls him out of the ball and into his lap, assuring that his foot is unharmed from the fall first before turning up to wipe his tears.

“Shh…it’s okay buddy. Raph’s here, I’m not gonna let anything hurt you. You’re fine,” he whispers soothingly, rubbing Mikey’s back as he clings tightly to his older brother.

 “My son, what is the matter? Have you harmed your leg?” Splinter rushes over as well, laying a hand on Mikey’s shoulder and examining his injuries.

Mikey just repeatedly shakes his head, withering with self-frustration and harsh attempts to calm down.

“Whatever is the matter?” The Psychologist says, coming closer as well, and when the tip of his fingers touch Mikey’s good leg, he loses it.

“NO! DON’T TOUCH ME! DON’T LET HIM TOUCH ME!” Mikey screams into Raph’s chest, all of the strength in his little body going to the violent thrashing kicks or the tightening grip around Raphael.

“Hamato Michelangelo! You will not treat our guests with such rudeness! Apologize at once!” Splinter scolds, looking down at his son affirmatively.

“ _You_ ,” Raph says, his eyes changing from the affectionate gaze that he gave to Mikey into a deep hatred at the man above him. He gently places Mikey down as he stands, coming closer to The Psychologist.

“What the fuck did you do to him? Huh? I know you hurt my little brother!” Raph shouts, harshly pushing the man to the floor.

“I would never harm Michelangelo! You have been mistaken!” The Psychologist says, shaking with nerves.

“Liar! Tell me what you did! I’ll fucking kill you!” Raph shouts, but as soon as he pulls his fist to the air, Splinter moves swiftly and catches his wrist midair, launching backward so that Raph flips over them both and lands on the other side of the room.

Not even a second later, Splinter is there and swings the stick at his son, making him cry out slightly and rub his head in pain.

“RAPHAEL! HOW DARE YOU BEHAVE WITH SUCH DISHONOR! This man has done nothing but help us for no cost at all, and has shown us a generosity that no person has shown me before! We owe him the entire world and you have treated him with nothing but disrespect and I am tired of it! You will not act this way without punishment again!” Splinter commands.

Raph gets up and shoots a heated glare to his father, ignoring the slap that he gets in return.

“I have nothing to say to you,” Raph says. He looks back to The Psychologist, and although he’d love to beat the shit out of him it was more important to take Mikey out of here and make sure he is okay.

Raph gently gathers Mikey is his arms and the crutches in one of his hands, Mikey’s cries silencing as he hides into his brother. Raph looks into The Psychologist’s face and spits at him before turning to leave the room.

“THAT IS ENOUGH!” Splinter shouts, and Raph begins running before Mikey ends up falling again. As soon as he exits the room, Donnie and April are there, their faces full of concern.

Splinter immediately grabs a hold of them, tossing Mikey and the crutches lightly down before tackling Raph down.

“WHY MUST ALL OF YOU BRING ME SO MUCH DISHONOR!” he shouts, angry tears running down his face.

“Sensei, stop!” Donnie shouts, both he and April easing him off of Raph. He reluctantly gives in, staring to the floor.

“I do not want to see you for the rest of the night,” Splinter says, disappearing back into the room without another trace.

Mikey is crying again, but Raph shrugs off his new bruises and lifts his brother again. April carries the crutches, she and Donnie following Raph as he takes Mikey to his room.

“We...heard the whole thing,” Donnie says, Raph ignoring him as he shushes Mikey and lays with him in the bed.

“I can’t stay for too long buddy, Sensei’s gonna be pissed that I’m not in my room,” Raph says, soothingly rubbing a finger across Mikey’s forehead.

Mikey only closes his eyes and leans further into Raph. He wishes his brother would never leave him, but he doesn’t want to look even more pathetic than he already did.

“What did that man do to you, kid? It’s okay to tell me. I promise,” Raph says.

Mikey begins sweating in panic, shaking his head rapidly. He was doing a horrible job at keeping his cover. He really hated how stupid he is sometimes.

“Sweetie, we know that something’s up. It’s okay for you to tell us,” April says.

“I-I just got scared when someone I don’t know that well was in there, and I had a panic attack because I am still nervy from getting jumped yesterday. It doesn’t have to do with him,” Mikey says.

April and Raph exchanged sad looks, both knowing that he is keeping a secret.

“Please, little brother. Please tell us what’s going on,” Raph says, April and Donnie both anticipating as well.

“RAPHAEL!” The voice shouts from the dojo, making all of them jump.

“Looks like my time is up. I’ve gotta go, Mikey,” Raph says, setting Mikey beside him as he prepares to get up.

“I love you, Raphie,” Mikey says, hugging his older brother.

Raph smiles sadly and kisses him on the cheek. “I love you too.”

He gets up to leave, anger filling him that something bad happened to Mikey due to Donnie’s selfish decisions.

“Fuck you, Donnie,” he mumbles as he leaves, not catching the sadness in the brown eyes behind him.

“Do you need anything Mikey? A glass of water to cool you off?” April asks.

“That’d be great, thanks April,” he says.

“Of course,” she smiles, ruffling his head and leaving the room as well. Donnie is still sitting on a chair, looking sadly at the floor.

“Donnie?” Mikey asks, his voice small and afraid. Donnie looks up at him in shame. “Can you come here?”

Donnie sulks to the bed and sits on the edge, only to have Mikey’s arm wrap around him.

“I noticed that you looked sad. Are you okay? What can I do to make you feel better?” Mikey asks. Donnie feels his heart melt in his chest. After Mikey had been injured and just underwent a mental breakdown, his first concern was that Donnie looked a bit sad.

Donnie turns and wraps his arms around Mikey, cuddling him closely like a small teddy bear. “I’m okay, Mikey. You always make me feel better.”

Mikey smiles as he leans into Donnie, being comforted into a slumber by the steady thump of his heartbeat.

As soon as April returns, she stops walking and admires the sight in front of her. Donnie and Mikey have both nodded off, so peacefully cuddled into each other. She smiles warmly, setting the water down and letting the two brothers nap. They were going to need all of the peace they could get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for not updating for two weeks, and also for being so sucky. Depression has been getting pretty bad lately and it’s been hard to update and I’ve been getting really insecure about this story.   
> Also apologize for the lack of Apriltello or Leo in this one, but this was necessary. Thought it’d be about time for you to see more into our villain here.


	13. Pills and Potions

April couldn’t help the slight grin that rested on her lips as she walked throughout the lair, overwhelmed by the unfamiliar sensation that made her feel so relieved inside. It was a feeling of warmth, and even though it was faint and momentary, it was something comforting to the cold harshness that rested inside her heart. At least, through all of the pain and anxiousness, there was at least one thing sweet and sincere, delicate and innocent.

The feeling of warmness evacuated immediately as her eyes rested upon the parallel house guest, the man that made her tremble to the bone and pump her veins with shadows and her forehead glimmer with sweat glands full of disgust. There he was, standing just before the door, his eyes shaded with some sort of demented accomplishment and making her footsteps heavy just as the gaze locked onto her.

Taking a gulp and forcing her attention to the other direction, April continued walking and made herself pretend that she hadn’t even seem him. The lair felt tense, full of straining air and some invisible gas that was pulling her through the floorboards for every second that he stood inside of it.

“What seems to be the matter, girl? Running a fever, perhaps?” his voice rings, stopping her in her tracks.

April’s mouth twitches, her voice simmered by pain through the intense banging in her brain. “Can I help you?” she says.

“Well, I just couldn’t help but notice that you had been melting so many negative thoughts in my direction and I couldn’t help but feel offended. Why, I haven’t even had more than such two words with you for you to be so hostile!” he says, pressing a hand to his chest.

The disturbed girl squints her eyes, her eyebrows slanted as she slowly comes a bit closer to the man. The closer that she gets, the more her migraine intensifies, her mind filling with darkness and an abyss of hatred and evil. It was a feeling that words could never describe and no one could even imagine, and she never wanted to feel it ever again. “Look, I know there’s more to you than you’re letting on. You may be fooling Master Splinter, but there is no way you’re going to fool me. I see past the game you’re playing and if you think we are going to tolerate, you might want to think again,” she huffs, standing straight and making herself look as intimidating as possible. The man only laughs, but April keeps her vision focused on does not move from her place.

Before she can even register what is going on, he moves like a flash of lightning, slamming her down against the wall and slamming his palm hard against her mouth. The girl is the farthest thing from weak and has spent almost two years in kuniochi training, yet all of her efforts to escape against his grip are in vain.

“Foolish child! Do you truly think I am going to fear the threat of a frail little girl? I know what you are, April O’Neil. We are the same, you and I. Both with minds superior to the rest, a power given to us that we can use to play humanity like the unraveling little finger puppets that they truly are. The only difference is that I, an adult who is much more of a power than an amateur such as yourself, have taken my powers into the good of me. You, on the other hand, are a waste of such a gift, using it on nothing but attempting to stop someone who can snap you in half using only a few choice words. I can see into your mind, child, I can dance upon your every thought and take whatever I need into my advantage. I already have old rat daddy over there under my brain wash, and with that skill I can do absolutely anything. No one, not even you, can stop me, and if you so much as try, I will rip apart everything you hold dear to you. Do you understand me?” he states, in a harsh spitted whisper.

The teen girl conceals any hint of fear in her eyes, returning him the glance of fire that she had been wearing before.

“Declaring war against me will be the biggest mistake of your life. You will never so much as win one battle and I will cause as much harm as necessary. If I face a problem from you again, blood will be spilt all at the casualty of your idiotic decisions. Do I make myself clear?” he says, pressing his hand hard against the entire bottom half of her face, her eyes still staring fiercely back at him. 

He rips his hand off of her, yanking her roughly by the shoulder so that the two of them are standing once more. April’s fingertips trace slightly past the bottoms of her cheeks, tiny bruises forming from where the dirty gloved fingers had pressed too hard.

“Good night to you, miss,” he says casually, tipping down his fedora before disappearing into the night.

In all of the cases that he had before, he had never had such a threat coming against his plans and games. Another mind such as his, but in his opposing power? It was a thought too absurd to even comprehend.

Nothing could ever interfere with The Psychologist. He was going to have to kill April O’Neil.

Meanwhile, April stood bewildered with her eyes fixed on where he had vanished, softly caressing her own cheek in comfort. This was going to be a difficult problem to defeat, but she was determined to accomplish it, whether she had to do it on her own or not.

“April?” the voice rings behind her, and she jumps in place, goosebumps painting her paling skin. She sees a tired Donatello behind her, his head quirking towards her in concern.

“Oh, hi Donnie. Did I wake you?” she asks, trying to wipe away her hints of anxiety and replace them with soothing gestures.

“No, I guess I was just craving to be in my own bed. Are you doing okay?” he asks, noting that he had never seen April so haunted before.

“I’m fine, just wasn’t feeling to good. I was just gonna go talk to Casey for a minute and then back to go check on you,” she says, looking down a bit timidly and tugging at her sleeve.

“Oh, okay. I guess I’ll leave you to that then,” he says, gazing downward in the opposite direction.

April leans forward and plants a kiss on his cheek, nuzzling it with her own afterwards. “Love you, Donnie.”

“Love you too,” he says, giving her a tiny smile before slowly returning towards the bedroom. April sighs and gives a sad smile to the direction that he had gone, hoping that he was feeling okay.

He was in danger, and she would do anything, even give her own life, to protect him.

X

Casey was exhilarated to run inside the lair and enter Raph’s room, proud of his successful mission. No matter the result of it, he had succeeded his quest and had something for his friend and that made him feel pretty good about himself.

Once he finally had completed his walk through the sewers and entered the broken home, he immediately sighed at the vibes it brought. For so many times before, Casey would disappear to the sewers for an escape from his life, hiding from his demons and all that they brought with them. It was his own secret getaway and his friends and his undercover job were his only purpose in being alive. When he entered the lair, it was always happiness and comfort and fun. The four brothers were always watching some old cartoon or playing video games, the home being constantly racketed by laughter and noise and _home._ For Casey, it was his only escape, the only place that ensured his sanity.

Yet now, it was the abandoned shed of a creature, left hollow and rotting and lifeless. The air was poisoned by the silence and the entire family remained locked in their rooms, drowning themselves in their own sorrows and surrendering themselves to demons that Casey couldn’t just simply fight away. All of the fun and games had been sucked away and disengaged into a black hole of trauma and heartache and everything that Casey ever knew about this place was dead.

None of that would have happened if it wasn’t for Donnie, and he didn’t know if he could forgive him for that. He had taken away the only happiness that Casey ever tasted.

A scowl growing on his face, he bit back his sadness and followed the path to Raph’s room. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to him that the house was so dull anyways. That didn’t subtract from the fact that he had a little gift for him and his best friend to play around with.

“Raph? You in there?” Casey called out as he approached the closed door. To his dismay, he could hear a ruckus storming on from the inside, the sound of angry growling and the smashing and crashing of objects.

Great. He turns his back for _one_ second.

Luckily for the both of them, Raph hadn’t left the door locked. Casey didn’t want to have to make things any worse than the already were. When he looked at his best friend, he was in another blind rage, his knuckles bleeding from punching the stone walls and several of his possessions either broken or scattered along the floor.

“Raph, c’mon buddy. You’re alright,” Casey offers, throwing his bag to the floor and carefully approaching Raphael. He lightly lays on a palm on his shoulder, receiving the expected tackle in return.

“Shh, calm down. You’re okay,” Casey says, wrapping his arms tightly around his friend and preventing his kicks and punches. He had learned that hugging Raphael and giving him soft comfort was the only way to seize him from these rage attacks.

Soon enough, Raph’s growling turned to quick breathing and he stopped kicking around, slowly turning back to normal but in exhausted form. Once he came back to his senses, he hugged Casey back, closing his eyes and cursing under his breath.

“Wanna tell me what happened?” Casey asks.

“My goddamn father!” Raph yells, jumping off of Casey and ferociously slamming himself onto his bed.

“What happened with Splinter?” Casey asks, kicking off his shoes and crawling to the foot of the bed.

 Raph takes a deep breath to keep himself collected. “Mikey got really bad hurt the other day. The stupid Psychologist asshole came here to see Donnie at the price of Mikey going home with him to be his assistant. Me and April knew this guy was shady but Sensei wouldn’t listen. So Mikey doesn’t answer anyone for hours and then he calls me saying he’s hurt. We found him in an alley all beat up and his leg was completely shattered and all twisted in some weird way. It wasn’t only that, Case, but the _look_ in his eyes and the way he was acting and the way his voice sounded lead me to believe that something else probably happened to. It was like he got broken and is still pretending to be altogether. He claims he got jumped by dragons but we know that was a lie. What happened today really proved that statement,” Raph says, bitter hatred weighing his voice.

“What happened today, Raph?” Casey urges him to continue.

“Mike has crutches and he still has a hard time getting around on his own so we all have to help him. He hadn’t seen Splinter since he came home that night and asked me to take him to him. So I help Mikey go to the dojo and there Splinter is, having tea and making conversation with no one other than The Psychologist himself. Mikey fucking _lost_ it, Casey. I’ve never seen him have a breakdown like that, not ever. It got even worse when that guy tried to touch him; he was more terrified than he’s ever been in his entire life. When I understood that this was the man who hurt my baby brother, I started losing it too, and all I could think about was shoving my sais through his heart. Then it was what _Splinter_ did. He was so goddamn defensive of that piece of shit, like he was family or something. He started screaming at Mikey for freaking out about him, and then he beat my ass for attacking. I never thought I’d be scared of my own father, much less what the kid was probably feeling. I had to run and put Mikey to sleep then run in here,” Raph explains.

“Damn…that’s fucked,” Casey says, trying to comprehend the information.

Raph punches the wall and shoots upwards, hot tears sliding down his face. “Why would he do that, Casey? Why would he choose a stranger over his own children? Why is he practically worshipping this guy and treating the rest of us like dirt? Is it because it’s our fault that Donnie wants to die and that guy’s the one undoing what we did? Is that why he doesn’t love us anymore?”

“Hey, slow down there buddy. So Splinter’s being an asshole – not a really big surprise, after all that’s happening. None of us are acting as ourselves, are we? He sees a man that can help, a man that can be his friend, and lets himself get brainwashed. We’ve just gotta find some way that we can prove that the guy’s evil and get some justice for the kid. And Raphael, look at me,” Casey says, turning his voice uncharacteristically stern and serious as he leans over and holds Raph’s cheeks so that he is looking directly at him.

“It ain’t _anyone’s_ fault that Donnie wants to die. You guys didn’t do anything wrong – there was nothing more that you could’ve done. Sometimes, a lot of messed up shit happens and most of the time it isn’t anyone’s fault, just some twisted trick by fate to bring all of us down. I don’t know a lot of things, but one thing that I do know for sure is that Splinter does not blame any of you for what happened to Donnie at _all_ and even if he doesn’t particularly always act on it he loves you all more than the entire universe. He’s lost right now because he feels just like you do, like it’s his fault what happened to Donnie. He thinks he is a bad parent and that he failed you all and he’s losing it, and he might not find himself enough to stay grounded right away. It doesn’t excuse what he did, but you gotta understand that you did nothing wrong and that your father loves you. I _know_ what it means to have a father that doesn’t love you, and that’s something you could never imagine. Do you understand me?” Casey says, probably the most solemn he’s ever shown to his friends.

Raph stares back at him, reluctantly nodding in sadness and turning his eyes away as soon as Casey releases him.

Casey sighs, reaching for his bag and playfully slugging Raph on the shoulder.

“Hey, I got something in here that might cheer ya up,” Casey says, allowing a smirk to cross his face.

Raph turns to him, his eyes sad and showing no response to Casey’s excitement. He seems to lighten when his friend reveals the bag’s contents.

“Whoa! How’d ya get that?” Raph asks, crawling over and leaning in to see that the entire bag contained several full cans.

“Stole them from my old man. They always help me feel better and have fun with them, so I thought it might work for you. I wanted to start you off with beer and if you dig it I’ll find you some more of the good stuff,” Casey says.

“Nice,” Raph says, the corner of his lip curving up as he reached for a can. Throughout his life, he dreamed of the day he would start drinking, and it was finally here.

“Casey? Did I hear you come up here?” April calls out from outside the door.

“Umm, yeah, I’ll be out in a second!” he calls back, groaning internally.

“I better get seeing what April wants. You drink some and later I’ll ask ya how you liked it, alright? The whole bag’s yours” Casey says.

“Sure thing,” Raph replies, admiring the can in his hands.

“And Raph? You sure you’ll be alright dude?” Casey asks.

“I’m all good. Thanks Case,” Raph says.

“No problem,” Casey replies, patting his friends shoulder before leaving the room.

Raph opens the first can, hesitating for only a second before taking a sip. At first, his face cringes, surprised by the unfamiliar bitter taste.

“This can’t be that bad,” he says to himself, taking another sip, this time enjoying the stale bitterness.

“Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this,” he smiles, downing the rest of the can and then throwing the aluminum against the floor when it’s gone. For some reason, he likes the clang that it makes.

After turning over to hit on the radio, Raph bumps his favorite metal music before moving to the second can, holding a third for afterwards.

This was going to be a fun night.

X

“So what’s up Red? I was kinda busy back there,” Casey says, meeting April in the hall.

“I need you to go to the store with me. I’ve gotta get some stuff for Donnie and I don’t feel like going by myself. Not feeling my best, if I’m gonna be honest,” she says.

“The store? It’s probably gonna be closing up soon, shouldn’t you just wait until tomorrow?” he asks.

“Donnie was feeling sad and I need to pick some things for him. Please Casey?” she begs, putting her lip.

“Fine. But we’re gonna make it quick, because I was in the middle of something,” he says, and she smiles in gratitude.

“What exactly were you in the middle of?” she asks innocently as the two walk through the sewer halls.

“Something that I can’t tell you about, don’t worry about it,” he responds.

“And why is that?” she asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Because then you’ll tell Donnie or someone and we’ll be fucked. It’s just something between me and Raph, the guy’s real shaken up,” Casey says.

“They all are,” April sighs sadly. “I’m just getting really scared lately, Casey. What happened to Donnie is hurting all of them so much, more than I’ve ever seen before. Imagine what would happen if they really lost him – everything’s gonna be over. That’s it, everyone done just like that.”

“It’s starting to piss me off. I mean, I felt bad for the guy at first, but doesn’t he see what he’s doing? If no one cared about him, would his family be breaking the way it is? It’s all his fault and he knows it yet he continues to act that way,” Casey scowls.

April frowns, punching him in the arm. “It isn’t that easy, you know. You can’t just have an illness and then suddenly push it away because it’s hurting someone else. He probably can’t even realize it’s hurting someone else. Until you are gonna get educated, all of you, on what this is like for Donnie I don’t wanna hear you open your mouth on the matter again. Do I make myself clear?” she says.

“Whoa, getting defensive here, aren’t we?” Casey chuckles, and she playfully punches him again as they continue walking. “What’s going on with you and Donnie, anyway?”

Her cheeks flush with a light shade of peach. “What do you mean?”

“I ain’t stupid, I know something’s gotta be going on. You guys been acting different lately, and I mean even a little bit before the incident. I been seeing those big wet puppy dog eyes on the guy for forever, but I haven’t ever seen it on you. Not until now,” he says.

“Things tend to change in a person, don’t they?” she replies, keeping her eyes focused on the way her feet lace over each other.

“So you have been into D?” Casey asks, raising an eyebrow and a smirk.

“I guess you could say that,” she says, closing her eyes and grinning cheekily.

“No wonder you been spending so much time with him. Any details ya got for me?” he asks.

“I don’t exactly kiss and tell, but it’s going well, I think. Our activities are doing good and I’m proud of him, and I’ve been feeling so mushy and happy inside. The thing is, he has been making improvements but he is still in a danger zone. I am helping him and I know that but there’s no way I can do this on my own,” she sighs.

“You aren’t exactly on your own, Red. He’s got his family, right? And isn’t he seeing some psychologist guy?” he points out.

“That psychologist is not making this any easier. I thought it would help, but the guy’s a creep. His family is broken apart and can’t even take care of themselves really. I’m kinda just the glue of stability and it’s a big responsibility for just one girl. I just want Donnie to have someone there for him besides me, someone in on helping hold all of them together. More importantly, Donnie needs someone to go be his friend. He needs someone to talk to, someone who he isn’t in love with and isn’t a psychopath. I just feel like I can’t sleep at night without at least the comfort in my heart of seeing him laughing with someone, seeing him with a friend,” she looks down sadly, and there’s no way Casey can oppose the little pout on her face.

Suddenly Casey remembers what April had asked him a while ago. “Ah, so the true reasons of inviting me come out. Look, I haven’t forgotten what I promised you April. I’ll talk to the guy; I’ll be his friend. Just give me until later on. After Raph is taken care of, I’ll go hang out with Donnie. You got nothing to worry about, he’s gonna be fine.”

A bright smile grows upon her face. “Thank you, Casey. I knew you would pull through. You’re a really good person, you know that? We all underestimate you sometimes.”

Casey smirked back at her, tugging his arm around her shoulders. “Gotta be when I gotta be, you know?”

“Of course I do,” she says, and the two friends continue their walk in a peaceful silence.

X

The hours that had passed were wet and cold, everything feeling so much lighter than it had been but so much more heavy from the depth of its core. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but time was only an illusion of the mind anyways, was it not? All he remembered was drinking and drinking and drinking, and suddenly he wasn’t even in touch with what he was doing anymore. All he could he feel around him was the chill of the cold liquid dripping down his throat and the fuzzy vibrations running through his head, somehow getting more and more obvious by the can. Before he knew it, his sight was kind of blurry and everything was popping out in front of him, his fingers feeling tingly against his face.

It was a funny feeling, really. Everything was just so funny and so full of delight. He couldn’t help but start to giggle, and the way that the giggle shot through his body made him erupt into laughter.

It was great, and for the first time since he could even remember, it was making him forget.

He liked feeling the corners of his smile, but for some reason it was making him want to cry. He didn’t understand why there was tears welling in his eyes, for he had just felt so exhilarated and now was feeling like his heart was dropping through his stomach.

He felt a bit sad and started to feel a bit small, like the room around him was not only closing in on him but impossibly getting larger and larger, leaving him as a delicate piece of glass that was worthy to crack under the lightest of touches. That thought alone lead him to the longing for a touch, just one simple affectionate gesture, the hug of a loved one or anyone who cared. He craved someone to reassure him of his importance, and he needed someone to love him.

In a thoughtless quest to obtain his emotional needs, Raphael stumbled up from his place and pushed open the room of his door, questioning if his veins had popped after the rough sound of the door slamming against the wall. His legs were wobbly and he thought that maybe someone had replaced the lair’s floor with some ice, or maybe someone had loosened the joints in his knees and his legs weren’t working normal anymore. That wouldn’t be such a surprise, since nothing seems to be working around here anyway.

The house was dark and it felt like the deepest haunted edge of his soul, and he didn’t understand how his beloved home could feel so haunting, could frighten him so much. The place that had blossomed his brightest child hood memories, the place he had grown up in, the place that was always there to comfort him at the end of a long day. Now, it was only a hallow shell of what it used to be, a cursed old skin that held only the hollow bodies that lived inside of it, absent of all of the soul and light that they once possessed.

Through all of the demons he has faced in a lifetime, he doesn’t think he has ever faced something more terrifying.

He also doesn’t remember when he started running, or how it was even possible for to have picked up his body pace so quickly when all of his limbs felt so incredibly heavy, a large set of ball and chains wrapped uncomfortably tightly around him. All he knew was that he was trying to get out of here, to escape to somewhere else where he can feel light again, wherever that place may be. Did it even exist anymore, really? Was it possible to liberate his soul from the darkness that it was drowning in?

When he crashed into the furry chest, he felt an aroma of earthquakes and storms, a heavy impact slamming onto his face while he crashes to the floor. The air seemed to be in slow motion and she shook his head and opened his eyes, staring at the blurry form of his father before him.

“Raphael? What is the meaning of this?” he had asked him, but the only word that the intoxicated boy understood was that his father was acknowledging him and he finally physically wasn’t alone.

“Father,” he slurs, not even recognizing his voice as his own but as a rumble that was stuck in his throat. A tiny smile grows across his face, wishing to jump into his father’s arms so that he can block away these shadows and kill the demons that came o taunt them like he always had. Yet just as he stared into his face, just as the hazel eyes were burning with a bit more anger and disappointment, Raphael recalled his feelings in the first place.

His father didn’t want him anymore and made him feel like a bad son. His father had chosen that evil man over Mikey and him. His father was bringing the shadows here and there was no way around that.

Suddenly, the hot tears fell again, making him think that his skin was melting and he was finally going to be swallowed up by this damned place. His jaws were breaking as his face trembled, ugly tears and a body trembling in shakes.

“Why are you out of your room? Why are you behaving this way?” Splinter was saying, and he leaned down closer to him.

“You-You don’t want us anymore. Why don’t you love me?” Raph asked, a burning throbbing punching his head over and over.

“Raphael! What has made you even consider for one second that I do not love you?” he was getting concerned, but it only scared Raph more.

He skated as far as back as his arms could drag him, heaving in small harsh breaths and struggling to stand. As soon as he got on his feet, he stumbled quickly off in the other direction, leaving Splinter to watch in sadness, confusion, and guilt.

Why was his father looking at him that way? Had he done something bad? Had he caused more trouble?

Oh, now he remembered what he had done. He did not protect his little brother. He had let him hurt himself for who knows how long and remained completely oblivious to it. He had almost died, and Raph had done nothing to stop it, nothing to even help bring him back.

Every time he closed his eyes, he was stormed with images of bloody Donatello, lying pale and deathly unconscious on the bathroom floor. There was so much blood, so much fear, and he just couldn’t handle it. He did nothing to help. And to make that even worse, his brother had awoken with an amount of sadness that he couldn’t even comprehend could remain inside just one person.

Not until now, of course.

Everything was his fault. He had brought this upon their family and there was no denying it.

He was blaming his father, or blaming Donatello, or blaming anyone he could because he just couldn’t accept the fact that it was all at the hands of himself.

Flushing in a surge of panic, he found himself running towards Donatello’s room. What if something was going wrong? What if he was going to lose his brother again?

He would never let that happen. Not while he was alive would his brother be in such pain ever again.

“Donnie!” he yelled, storming through and slamming open the door to his younger brother’s room. Donnie was laying on the bed, squinting his eyes in exhaustion as he slowly stretches awake, brought back from his slumber at the sound of his older brother’s abrupt entrance. “Raph? Is that you?”

Raph’s tears increased as he jumped inside the bed, holding his brother close to him and sobbing into his shoulder. Donnie was still trying to break free from his daze, staring at his brother in major confusion.

“What happened? Is everything alright?” he had asked.

“I’m so sorry, little brother. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. I hurt you! I did it!” he yells, almost incoherent but clear enough for Donnie to understand.

“Whoa Raph, what are you talking about? Calm down. Wait, are you drunk?” Donnie asks, sitting up and now completely alert but still with his older brother clinging tightly around his shoulders. He could smell the familiar scent of alcohol foaming from his breath.

“I was so bad to you. All of our lives, I just made you feel like shit. I was such an asshole because I was always so jealous that you would always be so much smarter than me. I am such an asshole, and it’s my fault you did what you did. This family got destroyed and it’s all my fault. Even now, I am such a dick to you because I am so scared Donatello! I am so scared you’ll go again and it’ll be my fault and I don’t know who to blame and I just wanna die sometimes! Please don’t go, Donnie, please! I know I never ever tell you but I love you so much. I am so sorry. I am so sorry,” he sobs, and for a moment Donatello could do nothing other than stare forward in shock.

“Shh, it’s okay Raph. I forgive you. You can’t blame yourself. I’m sorry to, I’m sorry that I have done this to you all. I love you too buddy. Please calm down,” he says, feeling a bit awkward but attempting to soothe Raph as best as he could. He and Raph never had shown a particularly heavy amount of affection towards each other, and Raph would probably never say these things when he was sober, but he still didn’t like seeing his brother this upset. The drunk man says the real man’s feelings, as they say.

Maybe both of them felt better as they fell asleep together, assuring each other that they were there and they were safe and more importantly, that they loved each other.

For the first time that week, they both got some rest.

X

Splinter stood dumbfounded for a variety of moments after Raphael had disappeared, the scene repeating over and over in his head. The look that was in his son’s eyes when he had stumbled away from him was an expression that he would never forget. He looked _terrified,_ and the thing that was so horrible about was that his father and his home seemed to be the source of the terror itself.

He knew that he had been harsh earlier, but had he really shaken his son that hard?

Finally shaking his head in shame, he forces himself past the spot where he had stood, too disgusted with himself to stare at it any longer and too ashamed to face Raphael. Feeling lost and guilty, he decides to confide in the son that shines the brightest, that always chased away his sadness and bad thoughts. Besides, he believed he owed quite an apology to Michelangelo.

Splinter stood at his baby’s doorstep for a while, watching as he wheezes in his sleep. His injured leg lay levitated to avoid discomfort in his sleep, and a blanket of bruises still littered over his face. He was too caught up in his thoughts to give proper attention to his youngest son, and he was ashamed of the way he had reacted earlier.

“Michelangelo,” he says, enough to shake the boy slightly awake. “It is okay my son, it is only me,” he says as he steps closer and sits on the door step.

“Hi Sensei,” he yawns, sitting up. “Everything alright?”

“Everything is fine, my child,” Splinter smiles, massaging a finger lightly across his son’s forehead. “I just wanted to speak to you in regards of what has happened earlier.”

“Am I in trouble?” Mikey asks, his eyes widening.

What kind of wicked parent had Hamato Yoshi become?

“No, Michelangelo. You have done nothing wrong. I wanted to apologize to you for the way I had reacted. I was already in a bad place and I had called the psychologist for assistance, and I was exhausted of all of your behavior’s towards him. However, that was no excuse for snapping at you when you were obviously in a bad place as well. Forgive me, my son,” Splinter says, resting a hand on Mikey’s plastron and drooping his ears.

“It’s okay, Sensei. I shouldn’t have acted that way either, but I just got a bit scared of a stranger after what happened. But you didn’t have to call him, you know. You know you could always talk to me. I’m always here for you, father,” Mikey says.

“It is not a child’s responsibility to carry the burdens of his father. I would not expect you to lift me up from my issues, Michelangelo. Although I do admit that there was no way I would be able to contain them without you being there to lighten my spirit,” Splinter smiles, nuzzling his boy with his snout and causing Mikey to giggle.

“Sensei? Are you sure you are okay? Something’s telling me that there’s something you aren’t telling me,” Mikey says.

“It is one most troubling, my son. I am just having a struggle facing the greatest tests that a parent can face. I am just so afraid that I will fail,” he says.

Mikey crawls up and hugs his father, nuzzling his face into his chest and ignoring his bunk leg. “You aren’t going to fail, Master Splinter. You’re the best dad anyone could ask for, I promise!”

A warm smile grows across Splinter’s face. “You are the light of my life, Michelangelo. I do not know how I was blessed to raise such a bright soul as yours.”

“Dad, do you think you could stay in here tonight?’ Mikey asks, an innocent pout on his face.

Splinter pulls Mikey to his chest, settling in a comfortable position. “Of course I can. I’m sure that both of us could use the comfort. I love you, my son.”

“I love you too, Sensei,” Mikey says, and it isn’t long before he falls back asleep. Splinter smiles, knowing that he was making things right with one son at least. Yet no matter what thought drifted back in his head, it all lead to back to that look in Raphael’s eyes or the fact that Leonardo hadn’t come home tonight.

Maybe it was the casualty of being a parent, or maybe it was just the time of night, but Splinter had lost all shame and allowed himself to cry himself to sleep that night, holding his little one tightly in fear that if he let go he would lose all of his children forever.

X

Leonardo felt free in the cusps of the chilly night air, running freely with the weight of the world thrown completely behind him. For an eternity, he was drowning in his never ending river of responsibilities, and now he felt as if he had been born again into the extent that life was intended to be enjoyed. Now, instead of chasing the quests set out for him in and attempt to feed the pleasing of his father, he was running under the New York stars with smoke puffing out of his mouth and a beautiful girl holding his hand, the two of them crashing windows and cars and doors just for the hell of it.

Each breaking of glass had been awakening to him, as if it symbolized the breaking of the suffocating image that he attempted to throw away. He loved the way the crash would hit his ears, and tiny streaks of blood that tore from his fingers when the glass had fallen into his hands. It was a feeling of liberation too breathtaking to ever contain, and his eyes glowed brighter than the city lights before him.

“You think you wanna head back soon?” she asks turning to him with a spark of lust in her eyes.

“Where exactly do you have in mind?” he asks her, thinking about how beautiful her body would look under his under all of these lights around them.

“You know where, silly. I’m getting a bit sick of running around. Don’t you think there are some better games for us to play?” she smirks.

“Only if you show me first,” he says, and zips after her lead to their scared spot, on the top of their building.

As soon as they reach the top, the box of cigarettes drops to the ground as Karai spins Leonardo in her grasp, pressing her lips to his passionately. They continue to make out as her fingertips run along the lines of his plastron and his hands tug on her armor, urgent to get it off. She is just about to slide off her top when the voice cuts her off, her face pausing from its place in Leo’s neck.

“Doesn’t that seem to get boring, after a while? I mean you seem to do it every single night. Have some creativity, at least.”

Both teens disconnect from contact and stand intimidatingly towards the intruder, who stood directly in front of them. Their faces change from lust to anger as they bring back the ninja in them, scowling at him. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Leo asks, recognizing the man as The Psychologist.

“Why, I would expect at least a hello. How hurtful,” he says, pressing his hand against his chest.

“You! I told you to fuck off, creeper!” Karai says, and in an instant the two teens have him pinned with her blade to his throat.

“Whoa, let’s talk here! I mean no harm, and I do not mean to creep. I simply did not know how else to contact you. I am simply here to strike you two a deal,” he frowns.

Karai growls, pushing her blade through the sleeve of his shirt. “Explain to me what kind of deal you can conjure that would be of use to us!”

“Well, if you would simply let me go and allow me to explain myself, you would understand!” he shouts.

The teens exchange glances at Leonardo throws him upwards, both of their weapons still drawn. “Fine. Talk.”

“Thank you. I have come to help you, Leonardo. I have come aware of your recent situation and I know exactly how to aid you,” he smiles.

“And what would that be, exactly?” Leo asks, keeping his face stern and cold.

“It has come to my attention that you are wishing to rebel against your father’s wishes, become something that he would never approve of. Am I correct?” he asks. Leo just stares at him in response.

“Well, do I have something for you! I, my friends, am in possession of a very special good. This good, in particular, will serve for two purposes. Purpose one, would be of applying you to a free spirit. It will make you feel happy and free, giddy and superior, free of the monsters in your head. It will remove the morals you were indoctrinated into having and save you from the image that is locking you down, it will liberate you. It will save you from who you are supposed to be,” he explains, glow in his eye.

“And what is the second purpose?” Leo asks.

“The second purpose will come in the hands of your family. It will not only shock your father, but appall him, that his precious little boy is using such a thing. He and your brothers will understand that you are not the person who they always mocked you for being. They will know you are wild are you are cool, and you have no problem with breaking the rules. This single product can save you,” The Psychologist says.

“Why would you be so keen on helping me in the first place?” Leo questions.

“This wouldn’t be just for you. It is going to cost the two of you some cash. But I would never be so excited to aid a customer as I am to aid you, for I couldn’t possibly think of someone more worthy.”

“Well, if this thing is so wonderful, then why don’t you tell us what it is?” Karai asks.

A crooked smirk crawls across the man’s face as he reaches for his bag, pulling out a smaller bag from inside of that. When he opens it, the two gasp.

“Drugs?” she asks, recognizing them immediately.

“You’re trying to sell me drugs?” Leo asks, slightly giggling in a mocking tone.

“Think about it Leonardo, these happy pills can bring you the life that you want to have,” The Psychologist says, leaning in to whisper in the boy’s ear. “No more goodie two shoes, no more living under our father’s rules. Just you taking control of your own life, and kicking him in the face while you’re at it. Could there ever be anything more liberating?”

Leonardo stares, looking back up at the man and then at Karai. He starts to get lost in his conscience, lost in all the red flags that raise in his mind, and as much as he wanted to slay the person who he was he just couldn’t shake it.

“We’ll think about it. Get lost and we’ll get back to you,” Karai answers for him, resting a gloved hand on Leo’s shoulder.

The man nods in agreement, packing his bag and preparing to jet off into the night. “Remember Leonardo, you need to let loose. Become the person who you want to be. Not what you father has crafted.”

Leo stares at the night after the man disappears, Karai slowly turning him around and pulling him to the floor.

It takes a couple seconds after she is kissing him for him to get back in the grove, pressing his lips against her neck and trying to erase any thoughts that weren’t about this woman lying on top of him.

“You gonna take the deal, baby?’ she asks, rubbing a hand seductively down his chest and playing around his lower regions, making him tense.

“I don’t wanna think about that right now. The only thing I care about right now is me and you,” he says, and she is kissing his neck again.

Checking his phone one last time, he sees that he has three missed calls from Splinter and a text reading ‘Please come home’. Growling in frustration, he throws his phone to the other side of the building top.

Why did his father decide to start caring now of all times?

Disregarding all of his missed calls and the inner heaviness on his hearts, he tries to put all his thoughts into Karai, the only true savior from the life he was trying to escape.


	14. Burning For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to come out and state my gratitude for those of you who support me and my story and leave reviews – you guys mean the world to me and always make my day when my days aren’t usually so great. A reader left a review on ao3 that actually brought me to tears, knowing that I have touched people and that they admire my work so greatly, and you all have no idea how much I love and appreciate you. Thank you all!
> 
> Another note – this chapter will have another dark scene in about the center of this chapter. If you aren’t adapted to mature concepts, I assume you wouldn’t be reading this in the first place but I just wanted to put out another warning to stay on the safe side, since this story got darker than I originally intended. Stay sharp, loves!

The dove of morning had swept in much lighter than the night had fallen, yet there was no denying the blanket of uneasiness that still settled along the serenity among the broken family. The golden rays of sunlight creeped through the cracks of the sewer top and brightened their home, yet no light could lift the weight enclosed in their hearts.

Donatello was the first to awaken, laying in a stiff and awkward position as his older brother draped over him but secretly reveling in the unconscious affection. He and Raph had never been ultimately fond of each other, and loving gestures were definitely not a common occurrence. Especially as of lately, Donnie writhed under the burning that shot from his brother’s eyes when he looked at him, shrunk and melted from the obvious hatred that Raphael was directing at him. Yet last night, when he had run in here intoxicated, everything was starting to make sense.

It wasn’t him that Raphael hated. Raphael hated this situation, with enough flames in his heart to strike down everyone around him, especially the one who had unintentionally broken his heart the most.

His brother had already developed heavy circles drooping from his eyes, and was almost as stiff as a rock, his large arms weighing down on his thinner brother. It had been a while since Donnie had woken, and he had heard April and Casey come in to check on them last night, but he knew he just couldn’t disturb this moment. Not for a thing in the world.

Other than maybe the heavy spin of Raph’s head as his eyes cracked slightly open, his shaky hand clasping tightly to his mouth as he jetted off the bed in a nauseous stumble to the bathroom.

Donnie sighed and quickly followed behind his brother, fully aware of what was to come next. Sure enough, as soon as he creaked open the bathroom door, Raph was leaning and heaving over the toilet. Approaching him with ease, Donnie grabbed the red mask tails and pulled them back, since both of them had forgotten to take off their masks before bed last night. Gently, he rested his fingers along Raph’s back, and it was like he wasn’t even there.

Finally, Raph sat back and flushed the toilet, grabbing a nearby cloth to wipe his mouth. Donnie was quick to hand him a plastic cup of water, washing the taste of burning vile from his throat.

He leaned against the wall with his knees tucked in, trying to shake the drowsy feeling meddling his eyes or the heavy pounding in his brain. As soon as his full consciousness came back, he recognized his younger brother kneeling in front of him and suddenly the flashbacks of the previous night returned.

Blushing in embarrassment, Raph looked away from his brother, who only conceded to wash the cloth.

“Don’t worry, it’s normal. You’re bound to feel gross all day after what you did last night. I’m not even gonna ask,” Donnie says.

“I…I’m really sorry that you had to see that,” Raph says, his voice small and cracked but not nearly as it was the last time Donnie had heard it.

“It’s not like I haven’t seen worse before,” Donnie offers a small smile, pulling Raph back to his feet.

Raph looked down in shame, wishing he could crawl deep into his shell and never return. His mind was flashing with all of the cruelty he had thrown at his brother, his brother who was probably suffering more than he was, and how he showed nothing but kindness to him in return.

“Donnie…I- “

“Don’t mention it,” Donnie quickly cut him off. “You don’t need any explanations Raph, it’s okay. Your secrets are safe with me. Now, it’s time to head out for breakfast before anyone figures out what’s up,” Donnie says, patting Raph on the shoulder and turning quickly around, sweat glistening down his pale face.

Raph stares at him for a while in gratitude, his heart swelling with an affection that had been crushingly absent yet melding with the awkward stillness and shame that had shaken between he and Donnie since last night.

Rubbing a hand against his burning forehead, he sighed all of it off, following to the kitchen for breakfast as if it were any other day.

X

Splinter was exhausted as he departed from morning mediation, not sure if it was caused by lack of sleep or the straining stress that was draining his soul. After Mikey had fallen asleep last night, he had proceeded to stand in the hallway door, unable to rest until all of his children were safe at home. Despite his anger and sorrow at Leonardo, the casualty of parenting crippled his heart, and he needed to make sure he was home first. It had been a series of hours, every minute intensifying his worries, wondering if he could have been hurt somehow. Telling himself that another five minutes and he would send his brothers out to search for him.

Yet just as the darkest part of the night had sunken in, Leonardo stepped into their home, eyes bloodshot and neck stained. Splinter’s sigh of relief mixed with his scowl in disappointment, although it was expected in the first place. Seeing his eldest fall into his own room, he finally allowed himself rest.

Yet now he was upset and sleep deprived, and hoped that the same routine would not have to repeat daily. If so, something would definitely be done about his oldest’s behavior, whether he was shunning him or not.

For the entirety of their lives, Leonardo was always the first of the boys to awaken. He liked to join Splinter in morning dedication and early morning work outs, sipping a cup of tea to begin his day. The boy was growing to be so much like his father, and Splinter had never felt anything other than excessive pride for him. Until modern times, that is.

I guess the reason that he was being so hard on Leonardo about the incident was solely the fact that it had been Leonardo. The dishonor would be incredibly terrible from any of his sons, but since it was his eldest, the one who had always followed in his footsteps and given everything for his family and his clan, was a blow that even Splinter wasn’t capable of taking.

Now, it was a little past 11 in the morning, and Leo remained asleep. Usually, this wouldn’t even have happened if he was stricken with illness. Sometimes, he wondered if that was even still his son at all.

Once Leo had finally emerged from his room, Splinter couldn’t even find it to look at him. Instead, he carried his tea and breakfast to the dojo, leaving his sons alone.

The room was dull and cold, the three tense brothers sitting in one table with no words between them. Michelangelo, the only brother who soothed any confrontations, was still unable to get out of bed. Therefore, the awkwardness stood, each of them slowly sinking into their chairs.

“Leo! You’re back!” the chipper voice rang through the room, making all of them jump in their seats. The littlest brother had made his way into the room, still getting the hang of using crutches, excitement on his face to see all of his brothers sitting down for breakfast together.

It was almost as if this was any other morning, like nothing had went wrong.

“Y-You okay Mikey?” Leo asks, making sure his baby brother got to a seat safely.

“Of course he’s not. Not that you would know, considering you abandoned us all entirely,” Raph curses under his breath.

“Well I’m here now, aren’t I? I don’t believe I was talking to you,” Leo says, squinting bitterly at Raphael.

“Yeah, wonder how long that’s gonna last. We are going through a major crisis here, Leo. Sensei is getting brainwashed by some creep that you probably know nothing about. You wanted to be our leader so badly, didn’t you? Then why the fuck have you abandoned this family, running off every time things get bad like the little bitch you are?” Raph slams his hands against the table.

“Sensei doesn’t give a fuck whether I’m here or not, so why should I? Maybe you’ll finally get the chance to become the favorite son, just like you always wanted,” Leo turns to leave, but stops when Mikey yanks his arm.

“No, Leo! Please don’t leave again! You guys have gotta stop! I’m okay, I promise! Nothing is wrong with me!” Mikey panics, filling with self-guilt once more.

“Leo, dude, we aren’t trying to confront you. At least not _all_ of us are. We just miss you and want to know what’s going on. What’s happening with you?” Donnie asks, the only one who hasn’t raised his voice.

“We know damn right what’s happening with him! He leaves every night to go slutting around and God knows what else while the rest of us try to fix this family!” Raph adds.

“Yeah? And am I the reason we are fixing this family in the first place?” Leo looks toward Donnie bitterly.

“Ugh, what is wrong with you dudes?! What’s the deal with blaming Donnie all the time? He got sick, he did nothing wrong! Why can’t you guys understand that!” Mikey shouts, surprising every one a bit but not enough to seize the argument.

“Maybe he wouldn’t be that way if you weren’t such a shitty leader,” Raph squints.

“Well maybe Mikey wouldn’t be so fucked if you had protected him in the first place,” Leo replies, shooting back just as much bitterness.

That was the thing that snapped Raph, sending him jumping across the table and pushing his older brother out of the chair and under his grasp. “You think I didn’t try, asshole?! You weren’t even THERE to protect him; you didn’t even try! Seeing your precious girlfriend was more important than protecting our little brothers! Why would you do this to us, Leo? We needed you!”

Catching Raph in a vulnerable moment, Leo was able to flip him over and get the advantage, only to be yanked back by Donatello. “You guys _don’t_ need me. You said it yourself Raph, I’m a shitty leader. I couldn’t help Donnie and I can’t help any of you. Splinter brainwashed me into believing I was something that I am not, and now it is my fault that we’ve fallen apart. It isn’t my business to be here, you’re all too good for me. I’m not worth it. I’m not your leader anymore,” Leo says, a broken sadness in his voice that paints the anger in the room with the sudden urge to cry.

“What’s this?” their father’s angry tone sent all of them stiff where they stood, their eyes widening.

“Have I heard you correctly, Leonardo? You have not only turned your back to me, but to your younger brothers as well?” he says, a chilling calm that runs all of their blood with fear.

“You said it yourself Splinter, I am nothing but a complete fuck up. Why would you want a traitor like me leading your sons?” Leo says, standing towards his father with a challenging look in his eyes.

This immediately earns him a slap, the sound smacking across the room and sending him to the floor.

“You think that because you are under punishment you have the right to speak this way to me? You will respect me, Leonardo, and I do not care what kind of dishonorable behavior that little witch is teaching you. You will NOT bring it into my home and be such a disgusting example for your younger brothers. Do you understand me?” he says, pulling up his oldest son by the shoulder, the other three watching in paralyzed fear.

“What punishment? Finally giving me enough space to realize I don’t have to live under your control? Under the constant pressure to be perfect and become just like you, to meld me into someone I’m not? Maybe I’m just finally realizing that I’m better than what you tried to force me to be. I just never realized how much of a shitty parent you were, denying me of my childhood and forcing me to look after the others because you didn’t know how to do it yourself,” Leo bravely replies. The other three gasp, fully aware of what was to come next.

In a second, Leo is under his grasp, his hand raised, Leo frowning back at him with not a single flinch. The other three couldn’t find it in them to move or to speak, knowing there was no way they could help their brother out of this one.

It was also in that moment that April and Casey had walked in, who had heard the raised voices for their whole duration in the sewer tunnels and had rushed over. Their presence remained un-noticed when they entered.

Instead of the severe beating that they all expected, Splinter grunts and turns away from Leo, his eyes full of disgust. “You are not the child I raised. You have allowed corruption to break you apart. I do not want to hear or see you again until you have stopped becoming the dishonor that you are shaping yourself to be. When that day comes, perhaps, I will find it in my heart to forgive you for what you have just said to me.”

His voice is calm and collected, and all of them notice the tears glistening in his eyes. They soon close, and he remains kneeling in place, silent and stiffened, until Leo walked slowly away, wearing the exact same expression, disappearing into his room. As soon as the door slammed shut, Splinter disappeared just as quickly, locking the door to his own room.

“I’ll go talk to Leo, I think it’s best we leave Splinter alone right now,” April says, following to Leo’s room.

“Serves him right. They’re both assholes anyways,” Raph says, disappearing into his own room, waiting for whenever Casey would follow.

“Actually, D, I need to talk to you. It will just be really quick,” Casey says, forcing an encouraging grin like April has told him to do.

“Um…okay?” Donnie says, getting off his chair. “You okay to be alone Mikey?”

“Yeah, sure! I’m fine!” Mikey replies, forcing a cheeky grin.

Donnie nods and gives a weak smile before bringing Casey to his own room. Mikey sighs, staring at the table around him, taking a deep breath in the silence.

“Well, I thought having everyone together was a good thing…” he says quietly to himself, closing his eyes sadly.

His family, his family that was so full of love and affection and pride, was starting to hate each other. They couldn’t even have breakfast together without this happening. The silence was almost painful against his ear drums, since he had grown so accustom to the yelling.

Sighing, he gets up and stumbles to the freezer, opening it to find his favorite pet. She meows and him happily, pleased to see him, licking his face in greeting.

“Yeah, I missed you too kitty…I’m sorry we haven’t been playing as much. Daddy’s going through a lot lately,” he says sadly, and she nuzzles her head against his in comfort.

At least he wasn’t completely alone.

X

“Leo?” April called out, hesitantly opening the door. She heard the pounding of the wall and then the creaking of the cheap mattress, signaling her that it was time to enter.

Leo was laying on his stomach with his face pressed deep into his pillow, his back trembling slightly. She was incredibly delicate in the process of approaching him, sitting on the edge of his bed and letting her eyes drift as she thought about what she was going to say.

“What do you want April?” he says, turning his face to her. Silent streaks of tears were falling down his face, his eyes bloodshot and his chin trembling.

“Leo…I think we need to have a talk,” April says, trying to fill her voice with the comfort and sympathy that she’s had to use so many times as of late.

“Can it wait?” he says, his voice beginning to sound hoarse.

“Not really,” she sighs, giving a sad smile.

Sighing, he wipes his hand across his face and sits up, tucking in his knees and pulling himself far from her. “What is it?”

“Leo…what’s going on with you?” she asks, scooting a little closer.

“April, you saw all of that go on down there. Don’t you think I’ve had enough confronting?” he says.

“I’m not here to confront you Leo. I’m not upset with you. I’m just really worried – all of this isn’t like you at all and I can’t help but wonder what else is going on. You’re like my big brother and I just want to help you,” she says, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Well you shouldn’t want to help me. I’m not a good person and it turns out I’m not the person everyone thought I was, so I’d suggest you hit the road before another person gets hurt,” he replies, turning back under his sheet.

April pulls it off immediately. “No, Leo. I know exactly who you are and this isn’t it.”

“Maybe because Splinter tried to force me to be that way. Yet now he and my entire family hate me, so why even bother anymore? I don’t care what they think. I’m not their problem,” he says.

“They don’t hate you, Leo, and you know that. They’re upset with you because we are all going through such a hard time right now and they are lost without their leader. Frankly, you do care what they think, or you wouldn’t have been up here crying about it,” she says, crossing her arms.

“It’s just hard for me, okay? You live a certain way your whole life and suddenly you start questioning it, you make one mistake and then the person you were raised to please hates you. It kind of makes you think, y’know? That I’m not worthy of any of this. I don’t deserve them,” he says, tears running again.

“I don’t know what you did, but he’s going to forgive you. You’re his son and he loves you, no matter what you do. Yesterday, Casey and I came back but we left because almost everyone was asleep. You weren’t home, and Splinter refused to rest until he saw you walk in safely. No matter how angry he is, he will always love you. We need you right now,” she says.

“That’s the thing April. You don’t know what kind of person I am. The kind of person who I’ve spent years protecting the city from. You’re all way better off without me,” he says.

“I know what kind of person you are. You do whatever it takes for the good of your family and always follow what you think is right in your heart. I admire that, and I know you will be strong enough to get through this,” she says.

“People change, April. Bad things happen and then suddenly, everything has changed and there’s nothing anyone could do about it. Maybe, after all of this I’m just not the same,” he tells her, snuggling back into his bed and turning around.

April sighs, her hand still resting on Leo. She looks at her friend in silence for a while, desperately searching her head for any words that she could tell him. Yet by the time she looked back, he had fallen asleep. She tucks the blanket fully over him, wipes a dry tear off of his cheek, and leaves.

X

“So, what was it that you so urgently had to talk to me about?” Donnie asks, laying on his stomach with his legs crisscrossed while Casey jumped upon a rolling chair.

“Hmm…where should I start? Oh yeah – what the fuck are you doing?” Casey asks.

“Umm…laying on my bed?” Donnie replies, and Casey rolls his eyes.

“I don’t mean right now, genius. I meant in general. Why are you pulling this shit?” Casey responds.

“Don’t see how that’s any of your business,” Donnie says.

“Oh really? Because April and Raph are probably the most important people on this earth to me, and they’re both hurting really bad because of you. Not only them, but everyone else too. What made life so horrible to you that you decided to do that to everybody?” Casey asks.

Donnie sighs, rolling his eyes and turning his head to Casey. “It isn’t that easy, Casey. I just can’t explain it like that to you. For years now, life hasn’t been the way I always saw it as. Things started changing, and then living started hurting. I knew it would hurt them at first, but it would be a long term benefit in the long run. I know what’s best for myself and my family, without you sticking your head in it.”

Casey closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “Look, I know I haven’t always been your favorite person to have around. And maybe this wasn’t the best start I could’ve approached, but I am not really a people person in the first place. But anyways, I think we’ve got a shot of being friends.”

“Friends? Did you not just come in here to accuse and confront me?” Donnie asked.

“Maybe I didn’t choose the right words. I just don’t like seeing you be this way to yourself, dude. I wanna help you, if you let me,” Casey says.

“Help me? How so?” Donnie asks.

“You know, be there for you. We could hang out and stuff. I could show you some cool stuff. Help you get better,” Casey says, trying his best to appear welcoming.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Donnie gives a sarcastic smirk.

“So – are you down?” Casey asks, holding out his hand.

Donnie can’t help but smile a little, reaching to clasp Casey’s hand. “Sure, Casey. I’m down.”

Casey smiles at Donnie back, internally thinking that April’s _really_ gonna owe him for this one.

X

Hours later, Mikey is still sitting in the same spot on the kitchen table, Ice Cream Kitty in a bowl in front of him. The two are playing cards together, and for a moment he can almost pretend that it’s a normal lazy day or something. He plays his favorite music to block out the silence, finding all of his favorite cards in an attempt to make himself smile. The last thing he needs is to get lost in his thoughts again.

“Michelangelo?” his father asks, in a voice that didn’t sound like his own. The usual stability, the strength that always lead Mikey believe that he would always be okay as long as his father was there to protect him, was completely vacant. And he didn’t think that he had ever seen anything more terrifying.

“Yes, father?” Mikey asks, trying to make it seem as if he wasn’t haunted by the broken look in Splinter’s eyes.

“My son, I have gotten an urgent call from The Psychologist. He has some emergency paper work that he needs done by a certain dead line, and he requested your help. I am sorry to ask this of you, but he is giving so much to us and we must do the same for him. Can you go over there?” Splinter asks.

Mikey had already froze at the mentioned of the dreaded man, the devil who has haunted his nightmares and damaged his psyche. At first, he was unable to make a response, already feeling pain racket through his body and his mind swirl with darkness.

“Please, Michelangelo? I know that you are playing right now but I do not feel good and I do not want to deal with this right now. Will you please be my good boy and do as I ask?” Splinter continues.

Suddenly, Mikey snaps a bit out of it, twisted with flashbacks of his last encounter and the devastated look in his father’s eyes. His father was having a hard enough time already, and Mikey’s selfish fears were only adding to his stress. It didn’t matter if he got hurt, he wasn’t worth anything important anyways. What mattered was that he did what he could to help his family feel better.

He forced all of the energy still left in his body into a smile, a smile that almost hurt to give. “Sure, Sensei!”

“Thank you, my child. Now, please hurry before anyone else notices and I have another problem to deal with,” Splinter says, finding his way back to his room and locking the door once more.

Mikey looks back at his pet with fear in his eyes, causing her to meow loudly and burst into sad concern.

“I’m sorry kitty, we can’t play anymore,” he says, an empty tone in his voice that scared her into deep confusion.

“I love you, kitty,” he tells her as he sets her bowl in the freezer. She licks him in comfort, and he leans into the touch. As soon as the freezer closed, he went quickly into his room, grabbing his teddy bear and holding it close to him.

The old bear was extremely raggedy and had several holes and surgery scars from when Mikey had sewed him together after an accident. When Mikey was only about three or four, Splinter had found the bear in the sewer and given it to Mikey to help him feel better about his fear of the dark. Since then, Mikey had kept the bear dear to him, not sleeping a night without him. 

“C’mon Sir Teds-A-Lot, we’ve got something that we gotta do,” he whispers to the bear, wishing he didn’t have these damn crutches so that he could hold it tighter to him as he walked.

The walk through the sewers was agonizing, his body filling with more sharp fear with every step. Every time he swung the crutches forward, something more would tell him to just turn around, to hide from that evil man in his father’s arms, to bring one of his brothers with him. But Mikey knew what would happen if he didn’t do what The Psychologist asked, and he could never risk the safety of his brothers. They could never feel the pain that he felt, not ever.

Yet it was almost impossible to continue walking on, knowing that he was leading himself into his own suffering. So many times, he would pause, his eyes would swell, he would tremble, but he would never turn back. He had to be brave, had to be a good boy.

Quietly, so that he could continue hiding in the shadows that surrounded him, he hummed himself a lullaby, one that Splinter would always sing to him when he was scared. One that always brought him comfort and chased away his fears, always made everything okay.

This was not ever gonna feel okay, but at least it would make things a little bit better.

At first, Mikey was too scared to even knock on the door. Even with Sir Teds-A-Lot in his arms and Splinter’s soothing lullaby in his head, nothing could shake his undefinable terror.

“ _No Mike, you’ve got to be brave this time. You’ve got to be strong, for your family. If you give in to the fear, it’ll be all your fault when they’re gone.”_

Taking a deep breath, the shaking boy pulls up one fist to knock against the door, using all of the strength in him to attempt to knock against it. He had to be strong and brave, like his older brothers. He had to protect them this time.

With that final thought in his mind, he was able to knock on the door, almost dropping his crutches when it opens immediately before his wrist hits the wood.

“Well, I was wondering how long it was going to take you to finally make a move. Although I have to admit, I love nothing more than watching you squirm in terror,” The Psychologist says, grabbing Mikey’s middle and pulling him inside. The crutches drop to the floor as he throws the boy over his shoulder, but the bear stays in his clutches as his body is tossed against the bed. Mikey winces when his broken leg hits the rough contact, cuddling the bear as tightly as he could.

“Aw, well isn’t that darling? You never seize to amaze me, baby boy. You’re the brightest of all my rays,” The Psychologist says, and Mikey says nothing back in return. He crawls on the bed as well, pulling Mikey into his lap and rubbing his tummy, glistening under the boy’s uncontrollable shaking.  

“I was feeling really bored and lonely, and I thought you might like to come over and play. There was no way I could wait until the end of the week to feel you,” he says, his slow caresses making Mikey struggle to keep his vomit in his mouth.

“Th-That wasn’t part of our deal. I was only going to see you when you saw Donnie,” Mikey says, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“You would not wish to piss me off, would you child? You have such a nice family; it would be such a shame to have to murder them all right in front of you before we play for the rest of your lifetime. Is that something you would prefer?” he whispers into Mikey’s ear, his voice surging as if it was the clouds of Satan’s breathe himself, the hot air contaminating his mind.

Mikey rapidly shakes his head, not knowing if the wet sensation on his face was from sweat or tears.

“Didn’t think so,” he says, setting Mikey down and walking to the other side of the room. Mikey shudders in relief to be absent of the touch, nuzzling his face into the stuffed bear.

“I thought you might appreciate a little Blue Oyster Cult while we’re at it,” The Psychologist says, switching on the radio to a song that Mikey did not recognize. As soon as it began to play, the man strode to return to the bed, and the intensified shaking returned.

“Last time, you were knocked out when we had most of the fun,” he says, pushing himself roughly on top of Mikey and leaving his casted leg in an agonizing position. His bear hung over the side of the bed, yet his fingertips still hold it tightly.

“This time, that’s going to change. You’ll be here to feel everything, and you can scream. Scream over and over, because of what I’m doing to you,” he says, his fingers stringing along Mikey’s lower region that was still incredibly sore from the last time.

The shakes turned into muffled sobs, and no matter how hard he tried to fill his mind with other thoughts - thoughts of being comforted by his family, thoughts of his kitty, thoughts of his favorite shows and favorite games and favorite memories - he couldn’t focus on anything other than this monster crushing over him.

“No baby, you aren’t gonna think of your family now. They aren’t here to save you. Your daddy gave you away to me, and let me play with you however I want,” he says, and that’s when the worst of strikes happens.

Mikey screams louder than he ever has, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling truly as if his body was being ripped open.

“You are only a liability for them, it’s better this way. They can give you to me to love me, because they don’t love you anymore. Maybe I’ll tell your dad about what a dirty slut you are, that you tried to make a move when you came over to help me,” he whispers, continuing to force himself upon the suffering boy.

Mikey shakes his head rapidly, not finding the strength in him to speak words.

“You belong to me now, and you always will. Your first kiss, and your first fuck. Your daddy hates Leo so much for being a slut, I can imagine what would happen if he found out about you,” he says, feeling pleasure from every time his words increased the cries.

Soon, Mikey couldn’t even understand what the man was saying, understanding nothing but the fire raging in every inch of his body and that goddamn song playing in the background.

_I’m only living for giving the devil his due,_

_I’m burning for, burning for burning for you_

The lyrics of the song haunted his mind, unable to focus on anything else yet still incapable of knocking out. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity of torture, the man moved off of him, the sticky blood between his thighs making him feel even more sick to his stomach.

“Wh-Why can’t you just kill me?” he says, jumping to his most capable thought.

“Why could I end the life of such a precious little doll?” the man says.

“Pl-please. Please do it. Y-You could tell them I got caught by the foot clan, they would never know. Can’t you please do that one thing for me?” he pleads, not understanding if the main source of his pain came from the burning all over his body or the toxic self-disgust that captivated his every fiber.

“Not happening, my pet. You can leave now, until it is time to play again,” he says, disappearing into the bathroom of the creepy home.

Mikey falls off the bed when he attempts to get up, the collision making his pain even greater than it already was, giving himself a minute to sob and find comfort in his bear. After banging his head on the wall a significant amount of times and seeing that it was doing nothing but creating more unnecessary pain, he forced himself to use his crutches to stand. It took quite a while for him to be able to move, but once he could, he jetted as quickly out of the wretched place as possible, collapsing at some point half way home. There was no way he could go home like this, and they couldn’t track him with his phone at home.

The Psychologist was right. He was disgusting and dishonorable and if they didn’t force him, he would never go home again.

X

Donnie and April lay together, her arms wrapped lovingly around his middle, pressing kisses to the side of his mouth. He couldn’t help but smile warmly, running his hands down her back, and lighting pressing her face into his. As long as they were here together, making out with her delicate hands holding him, all of his demons would be chased away.

“I love you, April,” he tells her, running his fingers through her hair. Never did he imagine that something could be so beautiful, could occupy so much space in his heart.

“I love you too,” she says, returning to kissing him and moving his hands towards her chest.

Just as soon as his hands slide over to her breasts, filling her with happiness, a sharp pain shoots her mind and forces her to scream out. She immediately jumps off of Donnie and presses her hands to her head, trying to focus where the pain is coming from.

“April! Oh god, no, I’m – I’m so sorry- “

“Shh! It wasn’t you!” she says, her face crinkling and her fingers massaging her forehead.

“What’s happening?” he asks, jumping over and resting a hand on her shoulder.

April screams one more time before her eyes flash open in full alertness. “It’s Mikey! I don’t know what it is, but he’s hurting really bad!”

Donnie’s eyes widen and he grabs her hand, running out of the room in search for the littlest brother. Throughout the entire lair, he was nowhere to be found.

“What’s the deal with you two?” Casey asks, who was sitting beside Raph on the couch watching the newest hockey game.

“Where’s Mikey?” Donnie asks, alarming Raph with the panic in his tone.

“Isn’t he up in his room?” Raph responds.

“No he isn’t, I just checked. I was just hanging with Donnie with I got the sharpest pain in my mind. Something horrible has happened to him!” April cries out.

In seconds, Raph and Casey are standing beside them, understanding the reality of the threat from April’s panicked state. They all run throughout the other parts of the house, finding their little bother nowhere and seeing his phone abandoned on the kitchen table. Leo had already left and Splinter remained enclosed in his room, the only place they hadn’t checked.

“Sensei!” Donnie calls, pounding on his father’s door in a way he never would if it weren’t for the situation.

The door cracks open, his father’s snout evident behind it. “I do not wish to be bothered today, Donatello. What is the matter?”

“Where’s Mikey?” he asks, Raph, April and Casey soon behind him.

Splinter sighs, giving up on his hopes of keeping this from his other sons. “Michelangelo went to assist The Psychologist a bit earlier. He still has not returned?”

Donnie and April’s mouths hang open, Raph’s face inflating with rage. “You let him go with that psychopath?! How could you?! Now he’s hurt and it’s all your fault!”

“Whatever is the meaning of this?” Splinter asks, his eyebrows straightening.

“Sensei, something is really wrong with Mikey. I had a really bad psychic warning. We’ve gotta find him right now!” April says.

Splinter was quick to phone The Psychologist, signaling the kids to silence.   

“Hello sir, I am sorry to bother you but is Michelangelo still with you? He has not yet returned home and I am growing a bit worried,” Splinter says over the phone.

 _“What? He has not returned? Oh no! He was with me, but left hours ago! I have no idea where he might be!”_ The man says over the phone.

Splinter grunts. “Thank you for your help.”

“What the fuck did that creep do to my baby brother?! I swear to God, when I find him I’m going to rip him apart as slowly as- “

“Raphael! I will not hear something vulgar from you again! The main purpose right now is finding your brother!” Splinter scowls.

“He’s right Raph, we can’t waste any more time!” Donnie says, and the group is quick to run onto the search for their little one.

X

“So how long does it last for?” Leo asks, holding the roll between his fingers while she lights the end.

“For the amount we have, probably an hour or two. Next time we have more money, I’ll buy more,” she says, leaning up to hold it to his mouth as he takes a puff of the blunt, coughing in the process.

Karai giggles a little, taking it from him to use some for herself.

“You know,” he says, laying against the floor, “I’ve been thinking a lot about that Psychologist guy’s offer,” Leo says.

“Oh really?” she asks crawling over his chest. “What exactly about it have you been thinking about?”

“I- I think I’m down to do it. I’m down to try the drugs,” Leo says, taking a deep breath.

“Wow, trying to prove yourself or something?” she asks.

“No, it’s not that…I just want to see how it feels. On top of that, I could use any distraction from my fucking family,” Leo says.

Karai smirks, moving down to cuddle him. “Okay Leo. We’ll check it out. I’ll text him right now and ask him if the deal’s still on.”

Karai moves through her phone contacts, having saved the number in case Leo came to a decision like this. He was so completely unpredictable these days.

“I’m just so _done_ with them, Karai. They hate me, the lot of them. What am I supposed to do?” he sighs, turning to face her.

“If they hate you so much, and you want to be done with them, why don’t you just not come home anymore? My life’s been a lot better since that asshole of a father I have disowned me. You could always run away; we could run away. Ditch this dead beat town and find something just for us,” she suggests.

Leo stares up at the sky, words swirling through his head, considering what would happen if he accepted her offer. “Maybe I will.”

Hearing his phone vibrate, he checks it briefly to see a message from Donnie.

_“Come home right now.”_

He rolls his eyes, reaching to shut off the phone and ignore the text. Suddenly, that changes when the next text appears.

_“Mikey is missing.”_

 


	15. Hug Me, I'm Scared

The air was almost rugged and sharp as the family waited, the only sound being the taunting click of the hands on the old clock. They didn’t want to wait for him; no one was particularly a fan of him right now anyways and every second that Mikey was gone was another second that they risked the chance of something horrible happening. As if things weren’t already horrible enough.

Yet still, Leonardo was a part of their family, and despite how much of a dick he’s been being he loved that kid. He had every right to be a part of this and no matter how much it ticked them off, they had to wait up for him.

Finally, Leo had slipped through the door way, his footsteps quite shakier than usual. As soon as he turned around his eyes were revealed to be bloodshot red and his face seemed drowsy, more so than any of them had ever seen him.

“What the hell took you so long? Why didn’t you run?” Raph shouts, already speed walking into the sewers.

“M-Mikey? Where did you put Mikey?” he asks, walking the opposite direction deeper into the home and searching as if it was for a missing remote.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Raph leans forward and yanks his older brother back, staring him in the eyes.

“Are you high?” he asks, Leo struggling to make eye contact.

“Are you low?” he replies, and Casey can’t help but giggle a bit.

“You asshole,” Raph says, throwing Leo to the floor. “We don’t need you then, go back to fucking around.”

“You lost the kid! You put him away! I’m not going anywhere!” Leo yells, stumbling as he got up.

“Me?! No, you idiot, I’m not the one who lost him! I’m not the one who fucking sent him out with a broken leg to have a private meeting with some psychopath we barely met!” Raph screams turning violently at Splinter.

“You will not raise your voice to me Raphael! I will not waver my decisions over the influence of an ignorant child! You are lucky to remain in place after the two of you have given me so much disrespect!” Splinter shouts sharply back. He really didn’t want to shout at his sons, especially not now, but the way they had been behaving would not stand.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you choosing him over us? Are we that disposable to you? Did you decide, sixteen years later that you didn’t want us anymore?” Raph says, his eyes flaming with fire and his veins showing.

“Do not be ridiculous! You have always been so dramatic and over emotional! Why must you make this so much harder, Raphael, why? Have I not given you enough attention throughout your life? What has made you put yourself before the health of your brother?” Splinter replies.

“I would never put myself before my brothers, not EVER! Don’t know if I can say the same about you though, since you’re letting Mikey get hurt by some creep so that you could finally have a friend!” Raph says, brushing off Casey’s hand from his shoulder.

“Why are you so keen on throwing such accusations?! I am doing what is best for Donatello and Michelangelo has absolutely nothing to do with it!” Splinter says, seeming to be on the verge of broken barriers.

“The Psychologist is not a good man, not good for Donnie,” Leo adds, quietly from where he sat.

Splinter leans down to him, grabbing his chin with two fingers and facing him to him. “You are not to contribute to this conversation. You have done enough here and your baby brother will _not_ see you while you are intoxicated. You are to remain silent until you are ordered otherwise. Do I make myself clear?”

“What is wrong with you? You run him into the ground our entire lives to never stop working and always take charge and suddenly treat him like trash because he’s going through a rough patch? Newsflash, being a parent means putting your kids before you and your problems!” Raph shouts.

“STOP YELLING! BE QUIET! I WANT MIKEY!” Leo suddenly shouts, his voice a lot wavier than usual, suddenly bursting into tears.

“SILENCE! I WILL THROW YOU BOTH OUT IF THIS HOUSE IF I HEAR ANOTHER WORD!” Splinter yells.

“God fuck, shut up!” Donnie, who had been silent this entire time, suddenly cuts in. Finally, the shouts come to a stop, all of them looking at Donatello.

“I never thought I’d see the day where you guys put your petty arguments before our baby brother. He could be fucking dying somewhere for all we know and we could’ve been too late because you all just don’t know how to keep your mouths shut. Mikey would be so disgusted if he saw you all acting like this. The last thing he needs, when we find him in God knows what kind of state, is to see you all hostile and shouting and filling with hatred. April and I are going to go find him ourselves and none of you are coming with us. You don’t deserve it. You need to stay here and give yourselves a damn wakeup call about the kind of damage you could be causing. When I walk out of this door, don’t you dare take one step in my direction, because you _know_ that it won’t end up pretty. I’m just warning you now. Now, I’m going to go take home my baby brother, and you guys are going the fuck to bed,” he says, more frustration and resentment bubbling inside him than ever before, making him feel like he was going to burst at any given second.

The remainder of his family stares at him in shock and shame, not daring to say another word. Even Leo, who was not in his sober mind, knew the serious tension of the situation. Once he was sure that they understood his point, Donnie sighed deeply, took April’s hand, and calmly left the home.

“You okay?” she asks as they begin walking down the sewer, stroking his fingers along his cheek in an attempt to ease his fire.

“I’m fine. They just really piss me off sometimes. Hopefully, the kid’s alright,” he says, trying to change the subject as they move forward in their search. She nods in response, and they walk in silence for the rest of the way.

X

Mikey didn’t know how many hours passed that he had sat in the sewer, staring blankly at the waterfall in front of him. His body trembled and shivered as the dirty water surrounded him, but it was soothing to his injuries and he didn’t care that he was cold. He could always take a shower later and then jump into the warm blankets. All he knew that every second he spent in the water was another that the traces of that predator were washed away.

All of his blood had been rinsed from his thighs, lost somewhere in the water flow. Good, that way if he was found, something that inevitably was going to happen, it would not look as if he had been attacked. Unlike the last time, he hadn’t contracted any new bruises or broken bones. Not where they were visible, that is.

Hell, what was he thinking? Of course he had to go home. Yes, he was dirty and disgusting, but his family didn’t have to know that. He could always pretend to be the innocent, happy go lucky little brother that they believed he was. He was the only thing holding his family together. He couldn’t be selfish enough to let him fall into himself.

His teeth chatter heavily as he pulls himself out of the water, the mere sense of collisions shaking the pain in his body. He winced heavily with every footstep out of the water, not sure if it was from being cold or losing the cleansing sensation. He limped his way to the crutches, slight cries escaping when his broken foot came in slight contact with the floor.  The cast was almost completely destroyed from the water.

 _Donnie’s gonna be pissed…_ he thought to himself as he leaned over and grabbed the ragged teddy bear that had been lying on the floor. For some reason, and for the first time in his life, he couldn’t bring himself to look at it.

Finally, with his crutches slid under his shoulders, he started to return home. Fear was raging through his damaged mind, imagining what could happen if they found out the truth. Surely, they wouldn’t love him anymore. Who would love someone so dirty, who had done such a thing? Yes, he was doing it for a reason, but that didn’t excuse the bottom line. They would hate him. Everything that The Psychologist tells him is the truth.

“ _Mikey_!” he hears the familiar voice ring down the tunnel, and then notices two figures running in his direction. He uses all of the strength in his existence to put on a smile, but it was absolutely impossible to remove the broken frown and droopy eyes from his face. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“I’m sorry guys,” he says once they get close enough, stopping in his tracks. Donnie and April are immediately examining him, but see nothing irregular other than the disassembled cast, extremely pale skin and un-natural broken expression on the boy’s face.

“God Mikey, where on earth where you? You had me worried sick!” Donnie says, pulling his arms around Mikey’s shoulders. Eager for comfort, Mikey practically jumps into the embrace, but as soon as the actual touch comes in contact with his skin, he lets out a high pitched yelp and jumps backward, barely catching himself with the crutches.

Donnie stares at him in confusion, his arms still in place.

Mikey looks down in shame, wishing that maybe he could’ve drowned in that water a bit earlier. Maybe he didn’t make the right decision, coming to them.

“I’m really sorry D, I was exhausted and I somehow fell asleep and then I fell in the water. That woke me up, so I started to come home. I’m really sorry,” he says, his throat burning for just uses the light tone of voice.

“Mikey, please don’t. I know there is something more to this. It’s really obvious to all of us, and you don’t have to be afraid. You can tell us absolutely anything,” April says, cupping Mikey’s cheek and taking note of the sharp wince he took.

“I am telling the truth, and I really don’t feel good. Please, I want to go home,” Mikey says, flashing the big sad baby eyes that no one with a soul could deny.

“Fine, you don’t have to tell us right now. But tomorrow morning, we are having a talk, Michelangelo, whether you like it or not,” Donnie says. Mikey doesn’t respond, just moves forward on walking ahead towards their home.

April and Donnie look at each other in saddened concern, following reluctantly behind.

Once they had all returned home, the other members of the family hadn’t even moved from place, Casey remaining to make sure that the temporary serenity remained. Apparently, Donnie’s words had sunk in, because they all sat in shame with not a word coming from their mouths.

“I’m fine, guys. I fell asleep on the way back. Sorry for the scare,” Mikey says, trying to avoid eye contact and praying that he would able to just go into his room and hide.

“Why are you all wet?” Raph asks, the fast anger from his voice inevident.

“I fell in the water. That’s what woke me up. Now I really don’t feel so good, so I’d like to be left alone to go to bed,” Mikey says.

“Goodnight, everyone,” Donnie insists, looking around with a look in his eyes that no one would even dare to ignore.

They all groaned, sighed or rolled their eyes as they disappeared into their rooms, knowing Donnie would handle any further investigation into Mikey. As much as they wanted to hold the kid and get to the bottom of this, they knew better. Donatello was right; their behavior had taken that privilege and now they had to trust their baby to him alone for the rest of the night at least.

 Mikey sighed in relief when he finally entered his doorway, feeling a bit warmer at the familiarity of his own room. Feeling truly exhausted, he collapsed onto his bed, tightening the blanket around him.

Suddenly, just before he thought it might be possible to close his eyes, the flashbacks jumped back at him.

He could feel the monsters weight pinning down against him, his fingers pressed up against his neck while he rammed inside, tearing him right in half. He could still hear the laughter and the taunting, the goddamn song playing over again and again and again. As soon as his body lay in that bed, he felt like he was there again, trapped in that wretched shack rather than the comfort of his own room and facing the evil man who was tearing him apart instead of being in the presence of his own family.

Mikey was quick to jump off of the bed, whimpering when his leg crashed into the floor. Shuddering intensely, he found himself having a hard time breathing, almost like Donnie that time in the infirmary. It was like the life was getting sucked right out of him, just from having laid in his own bed.

Sliding under the bed, he pulls Sir Teds-A-Lot close to his chest, rocking back and forward and trying to soothe his breathing. Why was it that every time he held the bear close to him, he felt nothing but the traumatizing memory from earlier today instead of all of the great memories that he had formed over the last twelve years? Why was it that instead of his precious childhood and all the times of comfort, the bear only reminded him of what had happened today?

He threw the bear on the other side and turned quickly around nearly hyperventilating now. His beloved teddy bear, the very thing that had chased away all of his nightmares, protected him through all of his fears, now only could remind him of what had happened. The bear even smelled like _him_ , carried every memory from that devil home, and there was no way he could ever sleep with it again without feeling like he was sleeping with _him._

He rolled out from under the bed, an angry, bitter, and determined look crawling on his face as he pulled the bear into his grasp and grabbed his crutches. Quickly, he hurried to the front of the home, where the pool lay that ran to the water tunnels. Thankfully, the room was vacant, no one present other than Mikey and the poisoned bear.

He stared at it with tears in his eyes, his childhood memories and good times distorted by the trauma of his attack. There was no way thing could be the same now. Everything that he ever knew was over. There was only one thing left that he could do.

He leaned in to kiss the bear, ignoring the intensified shaking that it caused, and closed his eyes as he threw it into the water. Opening them slowly, he saw it sink slightly and waver in the water before going down a tunnel, being carried out of sight.

Sir Teds-A-Lot was gone.

Mikey had never been faster to get his crutches and disappear back into his room, throwing them and collapsing to the floor as soon as he got inside. Pulling a pillow from the bed, he pulled it down and crawled his way under the bed, getting as close to the wall as possible.

Then, he buried his face as deep as possible into the pillow, and he cried. Harder and longer than he’s probably ever cried before, until his ribs ached and there was nothing else possible to come out. Nothing was ever going to be the same, and he wasn’t sure that the pain would ever go away.

It was probably going to kill him first.

X

In all of the time that he has known him, Donatello has never felt particularly favored by Casey Jones.

Sure, their bond had gotten a lot better during and after the time spent at the farmhouse, which was to be expected. They both spent a lot of time together in the farmhouse and were both orphaned kids who were heartbroken and afraid. It wasn’t that they bonded over being kindred spirits, but simply for the fact that they knew they had no other choice.

That’s why it confused Donnie when he had been awoken by Casey’s entrance into his room.

“Rise and shine, dork! It’s like, eleven in the morning! You gotta keep an alarm on you or something,” Casey says, jumping aggressively onto the bed and flashing a cheeky grin.

“You don’t appreciate sleep until you’ve lived without it. What do you want, Jones?” Donnie asks, rubbing his eyes with a tired groan.

“Jesus Christ, I can feel the love from here! What’s the problem with a dude wanting to chill with an old pal?” Casey says, putting Donnie’s neck in an arm lock.

 Suddenly Donnie remembered what Casey had told him, about April wishing for them to be friends and hang out.

“You know Casey; you don’t have to do this. I’m fine,” he says, wanting to crawl back under the blankets and push the world away.

“What are ya talking about D? I just wanna hang out. I was thinking we could skate these sewers, just you and me. When was the last time you touched that board?” Casey jumped enthusiastically, admiring the board despite its raggedness.

“I tended to have more important things on my mind. What made you so suddenly want to hang out with me?” Donnie continued, only to have Casey rip him straight out of bed.

“You put yourself down way too much dude, it ain’t goof for yourself. Quit your yapping and get ready to go. I’ll be waiting in the front of the lair,” Casey says, and stumbles his way out of the room.

Donnie sighs and heads to the bathroom. There’s no way he will be getting out of this one.

Leaving the house is awkward at first, Casey’s several attempts at conversation and Donnie’s continuous one word responses. It seemed to be frustrating the both of them, but there was no way they could turn back now.

Finally, Casey swings his board over and sits against the metal rail. Donnie is just about to tell him how unsanitary that is, yet something about Casey’s expression tells him that it isn’t the time.

“Hey Donnie?” Casey asks, seeming like he was trying his very best to look right through his soul, but that wasn’t exactly the guy’s strong suit.

“Yes Casey?” his voice is strained with impatience.

“Why you always putting yourself down all the time?” he asked, a simple casualty in his tone. Like he wasn’t trying to mock, wasn’t trying to start anything. He just genuinely didn’t understand.

“It isn’t that simple Casey. Don’t worry about it,” Donnie replied, and suddenly he missed the awkward attempts at small talk.

“It seems pretty simple to me. You treat yourself with respect so you could be happy, and if you’re happy the people around you are probably gonna be happy too,” Casey says.

“Of course it seems simple to you. Why does it bother you so much what goes on with me?” Donnie asked.

“Because look what it’s doing to us, Donnie! You see the way your families been. They’re being that way because of you, because they can’t take the pain of what is going on with you. Don’t you see how much they love you? If you have a family that loves you, then why the hell are you doing this?” Casey says, standing with his emphasis.

“God damnit Casey, I don’t have to explain anything to you! You don’t understand and that’s the end of it! Is that why you dragged me out here? To put me under trial again? I’m not gonna hear any of that shit anymore and if that’s what you wanna do then I’m out of here,” Donnie says.

“Nah D, wait up! You know I ain’t no good with words. I’m really not trying to be a dick; I promise I’m not. I just – I’m worried about you, man. I been seeing what’s happening with you and everybody else and everything is so goddamn different it hurts. It kinda kills me seeing you guys like this, and when you see past the whole mutant thing, I don’t get what would make you hate yourself so much. You’ve got a family who loves you, who would die for you. They don’t just give those out for free, and no one knows that better than I do. You’re smart and you got a girl who probably loves you, a pretty girl at that. What is it, D? What can we do to help you?” Casey says, grabbing Donnie’s hand as he pulls him back towards the pipes, sincerity melting through his caramel eyes.

Donnie sighs, acting feeling something warm and fuzzy from the feeling of acting being cared for, and from the most unlikely of people on top of it.

“I’m sorry, Casey. I really am, even if it doesn’t seem like it. I wasn’t trying to hurt anybody, that was the last thing I would want. I was trying to do what was best for everyone, even if it sucked at first, and I know that I am not what’s best. You haven’t been around too long; you don’t know how things work around here. They just don’t love me the way that they love each other, and that’s something I’ve known since I was a little boy. It was just recently that things started sinking, life started to hit me and it just all came in at once. You’ll never be able to understand the way it feels to be so disgusted with your own body, to crave death for every second, to not have the desire to do anything but sleep the world away. It’s painful and pathetic and sometimes a person can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to feel like this, I want to be better, I want to feel like myself again. I just don’t know how,” he answers, feeling shakenly uncomfortable with the sudden openness.

“Donatello, how could you ever think that? Don’t you see what it’s doing to them? Have you even see Leo lately? It’s like he’s a whole different person now! And what about Raph and Mikey? They ain’t far better off than fearless. April calls me almost every night either freaking out about you or just talking about how much she loves you. And Splinter – don’t even get me started on him. I always was super stoked by how much of a trip he is – there wasn’t a thing in the world that could tear him down, he was undefeatable to anything the universe could shoot at him. Then, the thing happened with you. It broke him, Donnie. It broke all of them. After getting a reaction like that, how could you even think that they don’t love you?” Casey asks, and Donnie is slowly falling into a state of panic.

“Well, what do you know about it anyways? You can’t jump into something that you aren’t apart of and pretend to understand it,” he says, feeling himself tense.

“You know why? Because maybe, to a degree, I do understand it. I ain’t saying I know how you feel, because I ain’t you and I haven’t lived your life. But maybe I’m saying that I remember standing on a stool when I was 15 with a noose around my neck because with just one step my dad wouldn’t beat me every night anymore. Maybe because I spent my whole life wondering why my mom left me and why my dad was always so drunk, and how my sister could just leave the house and leave me like that, and why I had to pretend like he didn’t fuck me up every night before bed, and why my own best friend left me so I had fucking nobody and I know exactly what wanting to die feels like. You could say a lot of shit to me Donnie, and I’m gonna take it because I know how you’re feeling right now, but you are not gonna tell me I don’t know what it feels like,” Casey says, feeling a burning in his chest at his words, his hands starting to tremble.

“Casey…” Donnie starts, mouth hanging slightly open in shock and a hand slowly reaching out in the other boy’s direction.

“And that’s the thing, Donnie,” Casey starts. “You and me were different. You wanna know why? You HAVE people there for you. You have a family, a close family, a family who didn’t have any dysfunctions before this, besides the whole mutant thing. You have people hurting and falling over their heads for you, because they love you so much and want you to be happy. You have a girl who loves you, who would be willing to ride for you. I didn’t have that, Donnie. The only person I considered family was my little sister, and even she walked out on me. There was no way I could blame her, though. I didn’t know what love was, but I knew how bad I wanted it. There wasn’t any girl who loved me, no matter how hard I tried. I spent all of sophomore year sleeping around just trying to pretend for one second that someone loved me. Once someone did come along who I thought I might actually have a chance with, she didn’t even love me because she loved _you._ I was stupid, I was talentless, no one on this earth gave a damn about me and there was no reason I should even be here. The only thing I had going for me was my strength, built by years of fighting off my monster of a dad. I thought it might give me a reason to live if I could protect the city from all these crazy things going on, maybe even be a hero. Then I met you guys and well, everything just sorta turned around. I got better Donnie. And if I could get better when I had nobody, you sure as hell can get better now.”

Donnie sits beside his trembling friend on the pipe, his own cheeks running pale and a hand hesitantly slipping onto his back. “Casey…I’m so sorry. I didn’t know…”

“It’s okay, I’m alright now. But this ain’t about me, I was just trying to make you understand. I kinda wish somewhere was there for me when that was me, so even if we have our differences, I don’t want you to think for one second that I ain’t here for you,” Casey says, a tone of seriousness that made Donatello’s stomach rumble.

He sat still and stared forward, trying to grasp the concept. He always was so infatuated with learning new things, yet he just couldn’t accept this. This was _Casey_ he was talking about; the biggest bonehead he had ever known. How could this even be true? How could it be possible?

“W-Why didn’t you ever tell us?” Donnie asks, still dumbfounded in his thoughts.

“Nobody needed to know. It didn’t matter and I don’t like to talk about it. The only reason I’m telling you is because you really needed to hear it,” Casey replies, tucking his face in with a sense of vulnerability that he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“But what about your Dad? I know you still live with him…” Donnie starts, a new thought running his mind.

“There ain’t much I can do about it except keep clear of him and try to spend as much time out of the house as possible,” Casey sighs.

“You know we can do something about it, Casey. Now that I know about it, I can’t just leave it alone,” Donnie responds.

“Just like you were saying the other second ago, some things are just not that easy to do,” Casey says, and Donnie sighs, taking a moment to think.

“Tell you what,” Donnie offers, taking a second to gather his words. “If you agree to letting me help you get rid of your problem, I’ll let you help me get rid of mine.”

Casey knew how much it took of Donnie to say something like that, and from the sincerity in his eyes he knew that he meant it. As much as the idea scared him, he knew that he had to at least give the guy that much.

“Deal,” he says, his voice hardly above a mumble.

Donnie gives the boy a sympathetic smile, feeling and to see the way that the guy looked. He had never seen him so solemn and afraid.

“Hey Jones, how about we get up to that skating now?” Donnie asks, standing up and offering a smile.

Casey reluctantly smiles back, returning to his usual dopey self. “You bet it, D!”

X

“Hey, Mom.”

Karai sat in the corner of her room with the picture in her hand, the only thing that kept her head balanced. Something she’d never let anyone in the world see her do.

“Sorry I haven’t spoken with you for a while…I’ve had a lot on my mind. I just…need someone to listen to me. Someone who isn’t able to tell me anything back in return. I just need someone who’s a good person to hear me out on this one,” she says, leaning against the wall.

“I just…I don’t know what to do anymore, mother. I never had a problem with the person I am, the way I live my life. Why is it that now, it seems to be bothering me so much? I’m starting to think it might be Leonardo’s change of paths that did the thing. Maybe we switched morals or something?” she gives a slight ironic giggle.

“I... I think I’m tired of this life, mother. Sure, I have a whole lot more fun than the next girl, but maybe my fun is hurting other people. Not just people, that wouldn’t matter. But this time, it’s people I care about. Or more specifically, a person I care about. God, why am I so bad at this?” she curses herself for her lifetime of apathy and wishes that her father could have at least taught her what it meant to feel.

Not that he would know himself, anyways.

“One of the things I always loved the most about Leonardo and hanging out with him was just our contrast to each other, the way that our differences kept each other balanced. He was so innocent and pure, and I always found it remarkably adorable. I’m not gonna lie, when he first started rebelling, it was pretty hot. Just the fact that he was bending his ways for me, and being so out of character. Yet now it’s like he’s a whole different person and I can’t help but believe it’s my entire fault. I didn’t just influence him but I encourage and provide for him and I haven’t even been thinking anything of it. Sure, it’s his family’s fault too, but if he didn’t know me he’d never be getting into this. Just because I abandoned my father doesn’t mean he should too, no matter how fun that would be for me. That would be pretty selfish, to keep on letting him…since when did I start getting so sappy? That darn bastard is rubbing off on me too,” she giggles, thinking fondly of her special friend.

“I’m not necessarily gonna quit my ways…I don’t think I have that in me. It’s just the kind of person I am, and there’s nothing I can do about it. That isn’t the kind of person he is…it’s just not right. I’ve gotta do something about it, try to help him back somehow. He’s hurting a lot, and it really actually…makes me pretty sad? I never felt a lot before I knew him, or at least I never admitted to it. How could that boy do so much to me?” she giggles, going through her phone and admiring his photographs.

“I want to fix him, mom…maybe because he helped fix me, and I kind of owe him, or maybe even because…because…I love him?” she says, feeling her mouth tingly after she speaks. She had never said it out loud, for her father always taught her that those words were toxic and brought nothing but pain and bitterness. Yet she was only human, a teenage girl at that, and feelings were just not something she could not deny any longer.

“I don’t want to be such a shitty person anymore. Maybe, for just once in my life, I can do something great. I feel so alone and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. When I was intimate with Leo, I felt something that I never felt before, that I can’t possibly put into words. I kind of wanting him to hold me longer, for him to make me feel like everything was okay, but I would never be able to tell him that. Maybe, if I start being right in my life just the tiniest bit, I can be okay,” she says, playing nervously with her fingers.

“I’m going to do something about this, mother. I’m going to do something good in my life, even if it never happens again. I don’t know exactly what it’s going to be, but I know that I’m going to do something for the better, I’m going to help Leo, and I’m going to help myself,” she takes her mother’s photograph closer to her and tucks herself into the blanket, wishing that she had a warm body beside her to hold her at night.

“I’m going to make things right.”

X

April tucked and turned over and over in Donnie’s bed, trying to get a nice nap in to soothe her stress and worry. She was beyond delighted that he had finally went out with Casey, in fact, she was ecstatic about it. Yet, for this moment at least, she wished that he would be here with her, for she was already starting to forget how to sleep without him.

Sighing heavily, she slipped herself upright, accepting that no nap would be happening in the moment. There was just too much to think about, too many demons to chase away before ever achieving rest.

Her head was hurting; a kind of pain she could never even imagine before all of this. It was simply impossible to comprehend until the pain had hit her, getting increasingly worse and worse by the day. She didn’t know _exactly_ what the pain meant, but at least she knew the source. Something was _very_ wrong, something toxic and poisonous that was inevitably going to hurt them all. She knew that something was wrong with Mikey, something absolutely horrible, something that brought her the worst of pain ever seen in any of her experience. Little Mikey, the one who she considered like her baby brother, one who was too pure for the world existed in, had endured something horrible. Just the thought alone shook her down to her spine.

Breaking her resistance, she left the room and started heading down towards Mikey’s. She took note of the fact that his room was still completely shut, silence coming out of it. He was remaining hidden despite the fact that the day had begun, the thing he very sometimes did when he was hiding so that he wouldn’t have to face getting trouble for something that he did.

Hesitantly, she began stepping forward and lay her hand lightly against the door knob. “Mikey?” she says softly, twisting it gently to find that it wasn’t locked.

The boy gave no response, yet it was evident that he was present. She decided to become assertive and enter anyways, knowing that there was no way getting him to come clean easily. She was going to have to be the big sister here and stop acting so afraid.

Once she was inside, she noticed that the room was dark and tauntingly silent, something so irregular for a room typically full of color, light, and lots of lots of noise. At first, it looked like the room was vacant, but April and her sixth sense knew much better. It was then that she noticed the blanket was off of the bed, and the little one wasn’t in it at all. There was no way that she was going to give up.

“Where are you, Mikester? It’s okay buddy, you don’t have to hide from me…” she says, using the sweetest tone she could conjure.

She heard the slightest shuffle coming from under the bed, leading her to a smile of accomplishment. Kneeling down carefully, she couldn’t help but lose her smile when she caught sight of him. He laying in a tiny crumple on the floor, trembling with unusually pale skin, sweat glistening against his face. His pupils were small and his mouth was tense, his trembling increasing as she came closer towards him.

“Mikey, sweetheart, what is it? Why are you under the bed? Can you come out here, please? I promise it’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong,” she says, and she couldn’t deny that even seeing him in this devastating state was bringing tears to her eyes.

_Oh, Michelangelo, what has happened to you?_

“I-I can’t come out,” he says, his voice hardly audible, so small and insecure.

“Why not, pumpkin? There’s nothing to be afraid of. I just want to see you and make sure that you’re alright,” she says, her eyebrows curving down slightly.

Mikey internally cursed himself, wishing that he could push his face deeper into the pillow until he couldn’t breathe anymore. He was such a stupid idiot for acting like this in front of April, being the little bitch that he was. He was supposed to conceal himself for them, to continue being the one that they always knew.

He never knew it was possible to hate himself so much.

Even if it made him feel like his heart was dropping down under his stomach, he forced him to crawl slowly out from underneath the bed, the blanket still wrapped securely around his shoulders. He and his brothers never even wore clothes besides their masks and pads, yet without the blanket he felt so exposed and dirty. He crawled carefully next to the bedframe, holding his body against himself so that the world wouldn’t swallow him away.

Not that it would be such a bad thing anyways.

April carefully rested her fingers on his shoulder, and his automatic reaction was a violent flinch. As soon as any other human contact touched his skin, he was lost in flashbacks of the monster’s hands dirtying him, even though this was one of his favorite people on the planet, his family. Yet the longer he thought about the way her touch felt, the better it appealed. She was soft and loving and feminine, all the things that the monster was not. Suddenly only the touch of her finger tips reminded him of the motherly love that he had never experienced, allowing him a preview at why the whole mother thing was such a big deal.

Very slowly and very carefully, with no words shared between them, he came a bit closer and closer, ignoring the goosebumps forming on his skin. She felt like comfort and some kind of motherly love, the very thing he needed right now.

For the first time, she made him feel safe.

He didn’t realize what had led to him jumping into her arms, allowing her to cradle him like a baby and whisper soothing things as he began to cry. If he didn’t know better, he would pour all of his feelings out right then and there, exposing everything and leading to the death of his family. Instead, he just allowed her to hold him, make him feel a little less alone. Like even though she didn’t know what had happened, she could somehow understand.

“Mikey…I know you don’t want to talk about what happened. I know how hard that must be for you and that you’re not ready for that just yet, but it is so crucial that I know so that I can help you. Maybe, if I hold your head and focus my powers enough into your psyche, I can see what happened. I’m going to have to do that, okay little brother?” she says, running a finger along his forehead when she notices his little cries turn into sobs.

Mikey was panicking, he was breaking out into a wreck, fearing what was about to happen.

She can’t know. She can’t know. She can’t know. She can’t know.

However, he was too weak and vulnerable right now to stop her. He simply couldn’t find the words and there was no way he was going to make it out of this. He couldn’t do anything but melt into her touch, ignoring all of his fears and hoping that maybe someone could help him.

April put her hands on his head and closed her eyes, focusing harder than she ever had in her life. For the pain in her head, it was liberating, like it was allowing her to escape this constant painful reminder to find out was wrong. At first, it had been more painful to look into his psyche, the most painful and difficult thing she had ever done, but she was doing it, and she would put every single strike of energy she had in her to accomplish it.

Finally, she had gotten in, shuddering from the darkness in his usual happy and free innocent mind. Then, it finally happened.

She saw it. She knew what happened.

She immediately lost contact in shock, her eyes shooting open and her hands dropping his head, bringing her back to the crying broken boy in front of her. She remained in shock for a few more moments, unable to speak any further, repeating what she had seen through her mind over and over and over and over. She just couldn’t believe it to be true. _No._ _Not her little Mikey._

“Oh my god, oh my god,” she began repeating, the tears streaming down her cheeks, still haunted by the memory.

“Baby…” she says, starting to cry as bad as he was now, dropping everything and holding her as close to her chest as possible.

For a few moments, he allows himself to lean into the comfort, accepting the much needed love and empathy. Then, it hit him.

She _knew._ He was a stupid weak idiot and he let her know what happened. Next, she was going to tell the others, and then, they were all going to die.

They were going to die now, and there was nothing he could do about it. It will be all his fault.

His saddened sobs turning into shrilled cries of panic, he jumps off of April and stands up without his crutches, limping as fast as he could out of the room. The pain in his leg was excruciating, and he felt he was going to pass out any second now from the pain of it. Yet he couldn’t give up, he had to ignore the pain. He didn’t even know what he was doing, only that he had to run far away from here. He had to run.

“Mikey!” April cries, jumping onto her feet but stumbling as she did so. All of her energy had been put into looking into Mikey’s mind, and now she was almost too exhausted to even stand. Yet she couldn’t let him leave like that, she had to run after him. She should have known that this was going to happen, there was no way he would let her see so willingly.

Both of them had disappeared into the tunnels, the over exhausted girl chasing the crippled boy through the sewer tunnels in an endless game of chase, the only thing exposing the other’s locations being their unstoppable cries. Then, Mikey let out a yell that she hadn’t heard him do before, and the chasing had stopped.

“You didn’t think that you could tell her without me finding out, did you baby boy?”

The voice sent chills down her body, even worse than it had before. She knew exactly who the voice belonged to, and the voice alone almost made her pass out in fear. “ _Mikey_!” she screams, forcing her feet to carry her further.

“LEAVE APRIL! GET OUT OF HERE! LEAVE RIGHT NOW!” Michelangelo screams, his voice cracked and raspy, also even more terrified than he had been yesterday when the thing had happened.

Finally, she caught up with them, the evil man holding Mikey up by the neck. She felt a rage that she had never experienced before, swinging out a weapon in preparation to _kill_.

“Get the fuck off of him, son of a bitch!” she screams, immediately swiping her tessen and landing a successful hit against the man’s face, making him yell out in pain.

Mikey began crying more now, screaming that she had to leave, knowing that the man was going to kill her.

“If both of you don’t shut the fuck up right this second, someone’s head is getting blown straight off!” The Psychologist yells back at them, pulling a loaded gun from his pocket. Both teens’ eyes widen and they freeze in place, forcing themselves to silence.

“You stupid girl. My talent is far more developed than yours, I could feel what you were doing from miles away. You are still not as stupid as Michelangelo, however. Do you not remember what I told you, boy? What is going to happen because of you?” he continues.

“Understand this – if you move an inch, I’m going to blow her head off. Understand me, little slut?” he yells harshly back, and Mikey nods with tears in his eyes.

April reaches to punch the man’s bleeding wound in a second of uncontrollable rage, but he immediately grabs her arms and flips her over, catching her by surprise. His giant hands are pushing down so hard on her torso that she wonders if her ribs are cracking, or if she’ll veer make it out of here.

“Go home, Mikey! I love you!” is the last thing she gets out before the large metal rail slams against her chest, making her cry out in pain.

“NO!” Mikey screams, moving forward to attack but being reminded quickly of the pistol against her red hair. He has to helplessly watch as the monster beats her with a rail, his devilish laughter bringing back the nightmares, and now forever engraved in hers.

_It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault._

“ _MIKEY! IS THAT YOU?!”_ he hears a voice from the distance scream, and then he remembers that Donnie and Casey had been skating in the sewers at the same time.

“We aren’t done here, Michelangelo,” The Psychologist simply says, before disappearing from sight.

As soon as the coast is clear, Mikey crawls as quickly as he could to his dear friend, seeing that she had been beaten unconscious. Her skin was pale and she was bleeding a lot, a trickle of blood flowing from her lips.

“No, no, no, no!” he cries, holding her onto his lap. “April, wake up! Please! _PLEASE_!” he cries, and then he is holding her carefully to his chest, not much different then she had been doing to him only minutes ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a cliffhanger for ya!  
> I’ve got the outline planned out for this story and I’m super excited for shit to get real!   
> Please follow me on tumblr : smells-like-teen-ninjas I would LOVE to receive some asks!


	16. It Breaks Louder in Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely apologize for the slow update – I will assure that it does not occur again. Over the past three weeks, I’ve produced a sad one-shot featuring Mikey and Renet (It would be spectacular if you check that out, by the way!), traveled upstate to visit my brother, wrapped up sophomore year and have been in the hospital for some horrendously tough personal problems. I will try not to skip so many update periods again!  
>  Thanks again for the support and reviews mean the world

As soon as the deadly cries had flowed venomously through his trembling eardrums, he felt a chill rush through his veins and intoxicate his body into a form of absolute terror.

It took milliseconds for Donatello to immediately recognize who the calls of distress belonged to and nearly as fast for a spider web of tragic possibilities to knit their way through his pulsing brain. As soon as he had instinctively cried out his baby brother’s name, his legs pushed as quickly as bodily possible in that very direction, not even quite aware of what it was that he was doing other than the fact that he needed to get there _now._ He could realize that Casey fared not too far behind him, and although the boy had been silently the glistening sweat dancing on his forehead told him that he was nearly just as concerned.

As soon as he had skidded his way to the desired destination, his feet crashed in place just as quickly as they had started moving, his lanky body nearly collapsing at the sudden brake of speed and intensifying of anxiety. Casey arrived a few footsteps after him, panting heavily and struggling to catch his breath and return his blood flow to a normal pace. As soon as he was able to regain focus, he noticed that Donatello’s dilated pupils were glued onto the sight in front of him, his shocked expression frozen into a frame of time that he could not escape.

Michelangelo was there, his small crumpled body hyperventilating rapidly in heaves as he wrapped himself tightly around the girl in front of him. A girl whose skin was the drained pigment of a clean white sheet only tinted with a tiny touch of the dullest grey.

The ruby red that shined on her blood surrounded him, standing out even more than her strawberry hair.

Casey was the first to snap back to reality, his fear and urgency exhaling from his lung, urging him to shove Donnie’s shoulder and knock him out of his trance. There was no way he could handle this on his own and from the looks of it, Mike wasn’t exactly all there right now.

“A-April?” Donnie says, his voice hoarse and dry and it is agonizingly slow when he crawls down to his knees. “Mikey?”

Michelangelo’s head shoots up at the sound of his name, his face almost as pasty as April’s and his tiny pupils contrasting how large his eyes had spread.

“What happened?” Casey asks, his voice attempting to sound comforting but his bones jolting when Mikey jumps away so violently from his touch.

“A-A-A-ttack, b-ba-bat, A-April,” he stuttered out, his voice hardly audible, his knees pulled tightly below his shaking face.

“We’ve gotta figure that out later, she needs some help now!” Casey shouts to Donnie, his face locked on how much the red and blue stood out on her pure pale skin.

Donnie nods in determination and swiftly wraps her body in his arms, ignoring Mikey’s whimper from the loss of touch as he immediately jets off in the direction of home, cradling her as gently and lovingly as possible and expecting that the others would instantly run along behind him.

“Hey, Mike buddy, you doing okay?” Casey asks, kneeling down to the kid’s eye level and resisting urges to hug him.

The shaken boy took a moment before responding to Casey, snapping himself out of focus, his jaw snapping unrestrainedly as a result of inability to form the words that he was trying to say.

“It’s okay, kid. You’re safe now, I promise. You don’t got to talk now if you ain’t ready, but we gotta hurry to make sure April is alright. Okay?” Casey asks, and Mikey nods slowly with slight tears in his eyes.

To his surprise, Michelangelo took his friends arm and locked it close to his shaking body, and Casey could only hold on tightly to him as they followed.

Once they had finally reached the lair, Michelangelo appearing completely contracted at the taller boy’s side, no faces met their sight but they were instantly greeted by a tornado of anxious commotion, a familiar feeling that haunted all of them at night.

 The feeling of when you didn’t know if one of them was going to die.

The air was tainted by blurs and the sound of fright and anticipation, quick movement and panic radiating from the tense bodies surrounding him. Finally, his senses began sinking back into him, awaking his brain and snapping him into the fact that this reality was even more bone chilling than it seemed.

April was already laying in the bed on the infirmary, Donatello frequently checking things and injecting needles and all the other medical stuff that was too quick to comprehend at this moment. Michelangelo had never seen his older brother more strung out in his lifetime, his eyes seemingly straining to escape the containment they fell in, his entire body being a time bomb with only seconds left before obliterating. Raph was doing his best to be a help, seeing as to the unbearable distress that Donnie was cast in, but the poor boy had little to no medical knowledge that could be considered useful. Leonardo did not appear too different than he did most of these days, yet the fear and concern for his friend was still evident, for although he was continuing to sit motionlessly, sitting in the same room as the others was an upgrade to his usual behavior as of lately.

Splinter was the next one he noticed, and the man seemed almost as horribly strained as Donatello. He was standing at the cheese phone, one of his hands holding his forehead in distress and his face sunken in pain and fear, and it was evident that there could be no one else he possibly could be phoning.

“I don’t know, Mr. O’Neil…everything was going fine and they must have taken a trip out into the sewers without leaving notice. No one knows what happened exactly, but it was safe to assume that it was an enemy attack. It would be a lot simpler to explain this to you when you are physically here,” Splinter is saying, his voice a lot less affirmative than usual.

Mikey decides to let himself tune out again, leading Casey closer to the bed as he knew his friend would want to be hands on with what is going on. He takes a seat in the chair beside Leo, cupping his cheek in his palm and keeping his eyes glued on how Donnie tried to bandage her head.

“Casey, I’m going to need you to continue wrapping the bandage around her head to stop the bleeding, and Raph, you’ve got to bandage all the parts on her body that are bleeding that you can find. I’m going to have to do some x-rays to see exactly what kind of injuries we are dealing with. Leo, see what you can get out of Mikey,” Donnie says, and Mike jumps a little at the sound of his name. Raph and Casey are quick to follow their orders, and they don’t even audibly question the fact that Donnie might be too shaky and distraught to carry out radiation work.

Leonardo sighs, turning to Michelangelo in hesitation, and he snapped in horror when he came to the realization that he was afraid to look into the eyes of his baby brother. Eyes that were so wide and pure and innocent, eyes that brought him comfort in the toughest times that life could possibly conjure. Yet now, they were damaged and distorted, all of the color and life completely drained along with the innocence and absolute bliss that filled them previously, and he didn’t know what it was that the kid endured but he knew that it was absolutely horrific. The thought alone was enough to make him want to burst into tears.

“Hey little brother…I’m here now. I’m not going to let anything else hurt you,” Leo says, and he knows the confidence in his voice is gone but he’s really doing all that he can.

Mikey digs his fingers into his cheek, hoping that the pressure could knock out the toxic panic from his mind. He doesn’t find the words to reply to his oldest brother, so he just nods.

“Do you think you could tell me what happened?” Leo urges.

Mikey gulps and tightens his grip, knowing that he’d have to bring up an explanation some time sooner or later. Just before he is about to open his mouth, the door of the infirmary slams open, a very upset Kirby blowing in through it.

“Where is she? What’s happening?!” he shouts, Splinter following quickly behind him.

“I’m trying to collect x-ray photographs to see what internal damage she has suffered to cause this bleeding, but I’m going to have to focus!” Donnie shouts back loudly.

“What are we looking at, a concussion?” he says, sitting by her sadly.

“I fear it may be worse than that,” Donnie replies in a monotone, eyeing Splinter to get rid of Kirby.

“My friend, I completely understand your distress but we must allow my son to work so that April receives proper medical attention,” Splinter tells him, resting a hand on his shoulder that is quickly brushed off.

“The hospital is where she should be, getting _real_ medical attention! I get that you guys may not have that privilege, but those standards do not apply to us!” Kirby replies.

“The infirmary was the quickest access we could reach in order to get the help that she needs at an instance!” Splinter replies, growing frustrated.

“Goddamnit Splinter, I don’t even know what it is that happened to my daughter! She ran off with one of your sons while I entrusted her to stay here and ends up like this, and you do not even have the decency to provide me an explanation!” Kirby replies.

“Don’t yell at him, he doesn’t understand either! It was my fault!” Mikey cries out.

“You better start talking right now, little boy,” Kirby fires.

“I was upset and I went into the sewers, and April had followed me. The other day I was ambushed by purple dragons, which is why I have a leg injury. They were angry that they didn’t get what they wanted out of me, so they attacked again. They saw April and attacked her, and if I made a move they would blow off her head. Once Donnie and Casey heard us and ran over, they were gone,” Mikey says, breathing heavily and feeling his heartbeat shake his body.

Kirby only turns around speechlessly, staring at the floor and tightly gripping his fists.

“Four of her ribs are snapped, that’s going to take a while to recover. She has a bit of internal bleeding where she was blasted in the abdomen, but that is not the biggest threat,” Donnie says, holding both of his hands together and trembling.

“What do you mean it’s not the biggest threat?” Kirby stands to face him.

“She has a severe head injury and it is affecting the way that her body is responding, her breathing patterns and the overall functioning of her organs,” Donnie says, his voice starting to crack as he connects her to the heart monitor and ties on a breathing mask.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kirby asks.

Donatello looks up slowly, one of her hands resting in his, single lines of tears streaking down his face. “It means that sh-she…”

“It is okay my son. I am here,” Splinter says, wrapping an arm around Donnie’s middle.

“She has fallen under a comatose state, and we must provide her with enough nutrients to assure that she does not become vegetative. The worst case scenario is brain dead which could result in…death,” he says, and then breaks down into complete sobs beside her.

The entire room was poisoned with the invasion of silence, all of them staring blankly at the bedside as if their souls had evacuated their bodies.

“N-No…” Kirby says, turning around and staring at the wall blankly.

“Is…Is there anything more we can do?” Casey asks, frozen inside a ghostly haunted version of himself.

“W-We…we just have to wait and see,” Donnie makes out, his voice hardly audible.

“Can I have the room to myself, please?” Kirby asks, and at first no one is to respond. Leonardo is the first to move, staring down at the floor in rage and refusing to make eye contact with anyone as he storms out of the room. Raph aids Mikey in standing and reluctantly follows, leading the two of them out of the room as well. Splinter sighs and sets a hand on April, then turns around and heads to the dojo to meditate.

“Come on, Donnie. You’ve done all you can – give them a moment,” Casey says, standing at the door way.

Donatello ignores him for a second, not finding the strength in him to let go of her hand or turn his eyes from her beautiful, sleeping face. He closes his eyes and turns sharply away, and when he opens them again he looks at Casey, whose bravery has completely slipped out of grasp.

“I need a moment for myself, too,” Donnie mumbles, and disappears as quickly as he can into the room without note of Casey’s location.

He closes the door behind him but doesn’t have enough energy to lock it as he crawls to the floor, holding himself and whining out in the worst agony that he has every surfaced. His eyes are locked on the photograph of her sitting on his counter, a photo of her beautiful and happy and very much alive, and he felt the wobbly walls of his insides completely collapse.

“Fuck…Fuck…FUCK!” he screams at the top of his lungs, banging his head as hard as he possibly can against the wall in some weak attempt to shatter out all of the bad thoughts.

“Donnie, what the hell are you doing in there?” he hears his friend shout out from outside.

“I said I wanted to be alone, Casey!” he replies, slamming his head again.

“Yeah, sure, that went pretty well last time, didn’t it? I ain’t stupid, Don!” he says again, and Donnie knows that this is going to be harder than he thought.

“Just leave me alone! Why do you even care? She’s gonna fucking die Casey, she’s gonna be dead! She won’t be here to make sure you’re nice to me anymore and you can finally let me die!” Donnie replies, now screaming into a pillow and punching roughly against the floor.

Instead of an angry reply back, he briefly hears the sound of the door slamming open, footsteps raging in his direction and pulling him by the shoulders.

“Listen to me, Donatello. You ain’t some charity to me. I know I act like a dick all the time but you’re one of the only people in this world I care about, and there ain’t a damn thing that will stop me from trying to help you. I already might lose one best friend tonight, don’t make me lose another. Is that all our friendship is to you? Some deal to please April?” Casey asks, and even in his panicked state Donnie can notice sadness in his eyes.

“N-No…” he attempts to stutter out.

“And if it is, then what do you think April will think of this? You made a promise to her, I know you did! She was so excited, so happy about helping you because she fucking loves you! Imagine how she would feel if you gave up because of her? She doesn’t deserve that, Donatello. She deserves to be happy, to know that she had an impact on you and not that she tore you apart. If you can’t do this for me, or your family, or for yourself, you damn better do it for her,” Casey says. Donnie is silent for a moment, looking away and blinking the tears out of his eyes.

“Why this gotta happen, Don? Why does everyone hate themselves so much? Is living in this world so bad that it was created deliberately to train people into wanting to leave it? Why there gotta be so much death and hatred and violence all around us to the point where we don’t know anything better? It’s fucked, Donnie, it’s fucked! It isn’t fair – everything just is born to get destroyed, isn’t it? But her – she was happy! She was pure and kind and had people to love her? Why the fuck would it happen to her?” Casey starts, and it doesn’t take long for Donnie to realize that he is crying.

Hesitantly, Donnie wraps his arms around Casey, and the boy is quick to hold tightly onto his friend. Donnie takes this opportunity to let himself feel, and the sobs hauntingly return. The two continue to cry together, not only for their April, but for the world that they lived in, the lives that they were cast upon.

They didn’t know how much time has passed, but the moment arrived that their bodies had been all cried out, dry and worn and their eyes weary and bloodshot. Donnie is the first to pull away, still resting his hands on his friend’s frail shoulders.

“Thank you Casey…you’re a dick, but I love you,” Donnie says, shaking himself and helping both of them up.

“Asshole,” Casey smirks.

It had been hours since they had fled the infirmary, and it seemed like nearly everyone had fled the home entirely. A home that was dead, broken, and barren, completely vacant of love and happiness since that dreaded day.

Kirby was standing outside of the door of the infirmary, as if he was just waiting for someone to show up. It was evident that he had been crying as well, and although it was an understanding that came between both of them it was something neither of them would be able to confront.

“I’m sure she would like you to see her, Donatello. She loves you very much,” he says, and disappears out of sight.

“C’mon Casey,” Donnie says quietly, offering his hand.

“I think you need to see her first, bro. I’ll be right here, just in case you need me,” he tells him, remaining in the doorway.

Donnie offers a small smile and turns around, walking through the room that had many memories attached to it, all shadowed away as he knew that the only thing he’d ever be able to see was her laying on that hospital bed.

“Hey, April,” he says, approaching closer, admiring the way her skin glowed in the light even under this state.

The only sound to comfort him was the humming of the machines, the machines keeping the love of his life alive.

“I-I’m so sorry this happened. I should have been prepared to protect you, I should have run faster, I should have been more alert of my surroundings. I was never going to let a single thing harm you…I failed,” he says, slipping her small hand into his own.

Only the machines, again.

“But I promise I’m not going to fail you again,” he says, more affirmatively.

“We made a deal, April O’Neil, and I have always considered myself a man of my word, and I won’t let anyone take you down. If you can’t show me 100 reasons to live because of this, I’ll have to find them myself. Casey and I will continue that list; you know that? I’ll find things and finish them for you, because I may not be able to live for myself but I am able to live for you. That brings me across another deal – if you survive this, so will I,” he says, sweating nervously.

 “You’ll survive this and you’ll be so proud of me, so happy that I did all of this for you. I will find the world for you, my love, and I will catch you an entire universe if you just _promise_ me you’ll wake up. My logic tells me you’re not hearing anything I’m saying but my heart lets me know that you _are_. Please April, you’ve got to try. I know how hard surviving is, a race against the cruelties of life, but I know that we are strong enough to pull through. I love you, April. I’ll be waiting on you. If I can keep your deal, you’re going to have to keep mine,” he says.

He kisses her gently on the forehead before signaling Casey to follow him in.

Casey remains standing behind his friend for a second, watching as Donnie strokes her hand with all of the affection in the world.

“You know, I’m real proud of you D,” he offers.

“Me too, Casey,” he smiles. “Me too.”

X

The only thing streaming through Leo’s mind as soon as his thoughts caught up to him was that he needed to get out of here and he needed to get out quick.

He was young and he was still developing, but he was beginning to start to understand himself as person and what limitations that he had. As was beginning to understand sadness, he was beginning to understand anger and beginning to understand how to change that.

His first instinct was to pick up his phone and call her, for she was the very cure that brought him down from a negative high after every visit. She was his medicine, his remedy, the thing that kept his heart going. The thought of her alone was enough to make him swoon and his eyes dart, but just as he was about to pick up the phone, another sight couldn’t help but catch his eye.

Raphael was aiding their baby brother to his bedroom, the kid who looked nothing like their baby brother at all. It seemed almost like some sort of distorted nightmare, one where nothing really was anything like the way it should be, only much colder due to the fact that it was just a haunting reality.

Even though he could only see the back of them, every time Leo let his glance pass he could only think of how broken Michelangelo appeared back in the infirmary, how snapped he looked from the Michelangelo that he knew.

Suddenly, he couldn’t help himself but to approach the room as well. Even when his mind was out of its right place and his thoughts were all over the place, he was still the big brother.

He a bit timid to approach at first, as the tensions between him and Raphael had been around lately and to be quite honest he wasn’t being that good of a brother. However, he noticed just the tiniest bit of acknowledgement from Mikey’s eyes when he realized he was in the doorway.

“C’mon little brother, it’s just me,” Raph was saying gently, “You know you can tell me anything.”

“There’s nothing to tell. What I told Kirby was the truth,” Mikey says, no emotion in his voice.

“I have a hard time believing that, kiddo. You are never this upset over some purple dragon drama and I just have that big brother instinct, you know? It hurts that you’re too scared to tell me,” Raph says, rubbing a finger across his little brother’s forehead.

“I’m okay Raphie, I promise I’m gonna be okay. Things have just been harder for all of us lately, you know that,” Mikey replies.

Raph is silent for a moment, continuing to stroke his baby brother.

“Mikey, we just want to do what we can to help you,” Leo says, coming closer from the back of the room.

“I’m not the one who needs help. I am fine. Donnie and April need help; you have to pay attention to them. This isn’t about me,” Mikey says anxiously.

“We are all doing what we can to help them, Michelangelo. That doesn’t mean that we can’t help you as well,” Leo says.

“You guys really wanna help me? Let me take a nap. I need some time to rest by myself,” Mikey says, turning the other direction.

Raph sighs, resting a hand on Mikey’s side. “Okay, little brother. I’ll let you catch up on some sleep. I love you,” he says, pressing a kiss to his forehead before reluctantly walking away. Leo hesitantly does the same and they leave Mikey to himself.

The two of them are standing in the hallway, staring in blank awkwardness and trying to figure out what to say or do next. At first, Leonardo forgets that he is even here in the first place, losing all common sense in his mind as he cracks into the anger that is haunting every single aspect of his body and brain.

For his baby brother, for April, for Donnie, for himself.

He can’t help but give into the urge to send his first violently into the wall, feeling a slight crack in his fingers as to the fact that it is a sewer wall. Some psychotic instinct in him told him that it felt good, and he had to do it again.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Raph says, lunging to grab control of both of Leo’s arms.

“Let me go, Raph!” Leo shouts, but isn’t able to escape his younger brother’s muscles.

“No, calm the hell down! You’re gonna hurt yourself!” Raph shouts back, resisting the thrashing unto Leo finally surrenders.

“I hate everything!” Leo shouts, falling down vulnerably.

“Don’t we all, you emo piece of shit? What’s with the sudden outburst?” Raph replies.

“I just can’t fucking take it anymore. Seeing Mikey like that. Seeing April like that. What do you get out of being nice, huh? You just get the world to shit on you,” he whines.

“Looks like you’re finally seeing things my way, took you long enough. The world is a giant goddamn shithole and there ain’t nothing we could do about it,” Raph sighs bitterly.

“Well what do you do about, huh? You obviously just don’t let it sit there or you would’ve been killed ago,” Leo says, sitting up and staring Raph in the eye.

“I actually found a new coping remedy thanks to a dear friend, and when you combine it with my old one I think it’s pretty rad,” Raph says.

“And what exactly would that be?” Leo continues.

“I ain’t telling your goody two shoes ass. Get lost,” Raph replies.

“Sure thing, I’ll just go back to fucking Shredder’s daughter after we get high,” Leo says bitterly.

“Alright fine. But you gotta keep your mouth shut to everyone else,” Raph says, beginning to walk to his room with Leo on his trail.

Raph quietly goes through his belongings until he reveals a sack, emptying its contents delicately onto the floor.

“Where’d you get all that?” Leo asks.

“Casey, but he better not find out you know. You wanna try some?” Raph says.

“Eh, why the hell not,” Leo says, beginning to down a bottle of malt.

Raph smirks and begins to swallow some in return.

After several of the bottles were gone, they could feel the buzz radiate through their bodies, seizing their conscious and clearing their troubles. Only, it cleared them in a different way than Leo was used to. Usually, he felt free, relaxed, as if his head was thrusted into the clouds and he had escaped the misery that haunted his mind. Yet this high, this was something of a different level.

The more bottles he drunk, the more he began to feel, feel in a way that was different but equally responsive. He started to feel angry, just as angry, but in a different tone. He craved to act on this anger, to taste the destruction powered by adrenaline that he deserved to distinguish.

“Hey, you wanna get out of here?” Raph tells him, and it’s evident that he has begun to feel the same.

“Fuck yeah,” Leo says, and within a second they were off into the city.

They were staggering and not nearly as stealthy as a ninja should be as the flew above towards the city, but luckily for their poor drunken selves the black of the night was shielding them from the cruel people hidden inside their homes.

“You ever just wanna break something Raphie? Like feel the way it cracks under your feelings and cherish the sound of the destruction?” Leo begins.

“Every goddamn day,” Raph says, violently kicking over a nearby trashcan for emphasis.

“You know what, Raphael?” Leo says, turning to throw the already fallen trash can at the wall. “Fuck this city! Ungrateful little bastards, they don’t care after everything we’ve done for them. Why the hell should we care?”

“You get me, bro! These goddamn humans don’t deserve any more kindness! Everything’s their fault!” Raph says, tugging his brother’s arm and they rush through the alleyway.

“Well, we could always show them what happens when they mess with us, right? We can rough this place up,” Leo says.

“Now you’re talking,” Raph says, entering the city.

Leo turned and kicked the glass windows behind him, a devious smirk growing across his face as the substance shattered. It took a second for his action to settle in, but as the alarms began to go off and Raph disappeared inside he realizes what he had done.

“C’mon Raph, we have to get the hell out of here NOW!” he shouts, and Raph is quick to emerge, carrying something with him. Even in his drunken state, Leo doesn’t condemn theft, but there is no time to scold Raph before they disappear to a nearby rooftop.

“Why the hell did you do that?” Leo asks seeing Raph dump out the contents of dishware.

“So we could mess it up,” he says, taking the dish and slamming it rough against the surface.

“Eh, guess there’s nothing I can do now,” Leo says, smirking as he breaks a pot. “Hey, that was kind of fun.”

“You don’t know the half of it, big brother,” Raph says, slamming a plate against the border of the building for extra thrill.

“You know what, I hate you Raph,” Leo says, stomping upon an assortment of cups.

“I hate you too, asshole,” Raph says, doing the same.

“You know what’d be really funny? If we threw a plate at each other,” Leo suggests sheepishly.

Raph results to turning and throwing a plate directly at Leo, making him cry out.

“Was that fun, Fearless?” he mocks.

“I don’t know, guess you’ll have to see for yourself,” Leo says, throwing one back at Raph.

After taking ahold of the forming bruise on his face, he turns to throw another, and another, the both of them throwing different glass dishes at each other until there were none left.

It was disturbing, in a way, to find so much amusement out of harm, to find humor in the pain that spread across their face. Yet people behave strangely when they’re intoxicated, and nothing seems to ever make sense. Would they ever understand what they found so funny right now?

Leo turned to Raph blood and bruises painting both of their faces but contrasting the drunken smiles they carried.

“I love you, bro,” Leo tells him.

“I love you too,” Raph says.

X

Michelangelo was numb.

As of late, his existence was a downward spiral of incredibly unfortunate events and with every passing day he forgets more and more about what if felt like to feel.

Sometimes, he wondered if he even existed at all, how it was possible for something so painful to be a reality.

He didn’t think that he’d ever drown so deep into self-hatred to the point where he didn’t understand his existence.

No, he wasn’t suicidal. Although he would let himself be killed, he would never be able to take his own life. He wouldn’t have his family go through that again, but now he was making them go through much worse.

He just needed to get out, to be there by himself, to try and remember how to think.

Even with a bunk leg and some obnoxious crutches, he was as stealthy as the shadows as he grabbed the crutches and left his home. Everyone who was inside was too focused on what was happening with April to realize his absence anyways.

The night was silent and dull, matching the way that his soul lingered inside. He could sense a touch of violence, just enough cracks to make New York City what it was, but the silent night strengthens it out.

Michelangelo was an extrovert and he enjoyed the company of others, to confide in his loved ones when he was feeling down. Yet this was a toxic sadness that was beyond his usual emotion spectrum and he knew that the only thing he could possibly try left was escape.

He sat at the edge of the alley, not even finding it in him to worry about coming across an attacker. At this point, there was nothing someone could do to him to make him feel worse.

_Or so he thought._

He was too numb to even realize how hot his head was burning, or how cold he felt. Instead he melted into himself, thinking that maybe he would just lay down and disappear forever.

“What’s a kid like you doing out in this sketch alley all by yourself?”

The voice startled him, forcing him out of his ball, searching for any nearby threats. Instead, he found Karai standing in front of him, the infamous smirk on her face.

He couldn’t conjure a response to give her, so he continued to stare.

“What’s the matter, kiddo? Cat got your tongue? Don’t worry, I don’t bite. What are you doing out here? It isn’t very safe, you know,” she says, sitting slyly beside him.

“I’m not a baby, I can take care of myself. Why you so concerned about me, anyways?” Mikey asks.

“You’re Leo’s kid brother, I’ve got to look out for you if I catch you around. Why you avoiding my question?” she asks.

“If it’s so concerning to be out here, then why are _you_ out here?” Mikey says, turning towards her.

“I was bored and I can’t stand that home I’m saddled with. Leo never gave me a call so I thought I’d go out and look for trouble myself. Your turn,” she smiles, and for some reason he thinks her grin is mocking him.

“If you _must_ know, and apparently you must, things were just getting to be too much and I needed some space. I needed some time alone to clear my mind so I don’t end up like Donnie. Happy now?” he replies.

“Whoa there, slow down. You really think isolating yourself is gonna solve any of your problems? Look at me, I made it me against the world, and what a bunch of smiles and happiness I turned out to be,” she says.

“Things seemed to work out for you. You’re happy, aren’t you?” he says.

She laughs. “That’s the best joke I’ve heard in days. I am so much of a figure of misery that I let it become who I am as a person. I’m all alone now, and it sucks. You don’t have to be like me,” she tells him.

“You aren’t alone. You have Leo,” he says, minor displaying dismay.

“That’s a complicated situation,” she sighs, “Feelings don’t exactly work out for me. Leo is one…most difficult. But that isn’t to talk about with kids.”

“Well it seems to be working out for him. You’re like, his everything or whatever. He doesn’t care about us anymore because he cares about you so much. I’m surprised he isn’t crawling to be with you right now,” he tells her.

“He does care about you, you little fool. The reason he’s with me most of the time is because he’s trying to distract himself about everything that goes on between all of you. He’s just having a hard time sorting out his emotions right now, you’d get that. All of you are just fucked up as hell. I thought I’d find it humorous to see such a perfect little happy family fall down but now that it’s happened it’s tragic as hell. Leo does love you guys, though. I can tell you that,” she giggles sadly.

“He sure has a funny way of showing it,” Mikey mutters.

Karai sighs heavily. “Look, I’ll tell you what. I got to admit I ain’t innocent in all of this, Leo’s too pure of a guy to hang out with gals like me and I corrupted the shit out of him. But you guys don’t deserve this, and he deserves to be back to his old self again. I hate to admit it, but I miss the old Leo, the real Leo.”

“You and me both, sister. If you’re the one corrupting him, don’t come around acting sorry for us,” Mikey says.

“Here’s the deal part. Well, it’s more a one-sided deal, but for once in my life it doesn’t go to me. I’ll help you try to get Leo back. I’ve been looking for one good thing to do in my pathetic life before I die and this just might be it. I’m not making him some charity case; I care about the guy more than you’d imagine. I just wanna help him be himself again, bring him back to your family. I can do that, you just gotta promise to trust me,” she tells Mikey, standing up.

Mikey sighs. “I don’t got anything more to lose, do I? If anyone’s going to reach him, it’s you.”

“Hey, don’t be so negative. You’ve got the entire world to lose, kid. But thanks for trusting me, it means a lot,” she tells him.

“I tend to give people a chance. Sometimes, it even gets the best of me. But not always, and I can’t forget that,” he tells her.

She gives him a smile, reaching his hand to help him up and hand him the crutches. She wasn’t a people person and she hardly knew him, but she thinks she had a soft spot for the kid.

“Friends?” she asks. She never had a friend before, but she was trying to get better.

“Friends,” he tells her, never resisting an opportunity to know new people.

“Catch ya later then, kid,” she says, zipping away into the moonlight.

He didn’t really know Karai and he never thought much of her, but for some reason tonight felt a little different and maybe things had a shot at good change.

After he talked to her, he felt the slightest tiniest bit less empty.

 


	17. Sweet Sacrifice

As soon as consciousness drifted back into his brain, he felted sickened to every aspect of his intoxicated body, his stomach rumbling as his head rocketing in chaos.

Leonardo immediately sat his hand to his pounding forehead, groaning in discomfort, attempting to remember where he was and why he felt like this. As soon as his eyes cracked open, he found himself to be laying brokenly on a rooftop, his younger brother scattered out before him and an assortment of broken silverware and dishes surrounding them all over the rooftop.

As soon as he became aware of his surroundings the pain on his face set in, making him wince slightly and caress his skin delicately with his fingertips. Suddenly, the memories of last night came back to him.

“Raph!” he hiss whispered, his eyes widening at the surroundings. It was still daytime, a blue sky up above them, and their exposure completely at risk.

His brother stirred and groaned at the aggressive summoning of his name, slowly awakening in the same way that Leo did.

Leo gasped once his brother turned around to face him, his face painted in bruises and cuts and one of his eyes swollen shut. His own face couldn’t look much different.

Once Raph’s emerald eyes were completely open and turned to look at his older brother, he couldn’t help but to let out a low, mocking giggle. “Damn, you’re _fucked up.”_

“You don’t look any different, asshole. What the hell is all this?” Leo responds.

“We were being drunken dumbasses, that’s what. But you can’t lie it was refreshing,” Raph says, a smug grin across his blue and black painted face.

“Whatever you say. It’s daylight out, we can’t risk getting caught. What are we supposed to do?” Leo asks.

“You were supposed to be leader, find that out for yourself. I’m going home, and ain’t no one gonna see me,” Raph says.

“Why the hell do you wanna go home? Splinter may not care about me, but he is gonna be pissed when he sees you like that,” Leo says.

“I’m not scared of Splinter, if he were gonna kill me then you’d be dead by now. And I gotta get home because I’m not done dealing with that lying twerp yet and I plan on getting him to talk before any more time passes. You better get your ass home too, or Splinter’s gonna lose it,” Raph tells him.

“Seems like a personal problem. I have more important things to deal with right now than hearing him tell me what a piece of shit I am,” Leo says.

“What, like visiting your little slut of a girlfriend since I took all y0our special time last night? I’m pretty sure your family is more important, Leo. If you aren’t gonna do it for Splinter or me, do it for Mikey at least,” Raph says.

Leo is silent for a moment, facing the city rather than Raphael, closing his eyes in pain. “He’s a lot better off without me. I don’t want him seeing me like this, it’s just going to make things worse.”

“Whatever,” Raph says bitterly, turning and preparing to stealthily zip away, not wanting Leo to figure out how painful it was for him to leave him there.

Leo sighs when he finds himself in the silence, shuddering at the feeling of loneliness, not admitting how much he missed the company of his family.

He just knew what was best for them, and at the moment, it wasn’t him.

He was a flash of lightning springing across the city as he traveled from building to building, leaving the evidence of the dishes behind and finding the place where he could find her.

“Come up,” he texted her, resting on the step where they would meet.

He didn’t get a response, but he knew she would come here. She would never resist an opportunity to see him, not ever.

“Isn’t like you to be a no show. Care to explain where the hell you’ve been?” he hears her say, and turns to see her sitting a set above him, facing the city.

“I was drinking with Raph and things got a little out of hand. Why, can’t handle a night without me?” he smirks.

She swings down from her place and hops in front of him, resting her fingertips on his shoulders, her smirk fading when she gets a glance at his face.

“What the hell happened here? I thought bad guy beat ups were on hiatus for a while?” she asks, stroking his damaged cheek.

“Just pulled some stupid shit when we were drunk, that’s all. None of that matters anymore – it’s all over now. What matters is that I’m here with you and no one else can take that away from us,” he tells her, hushing his voice and resting his large hands on her shoulders. He admired the way that they were so delicate yet so put together at the same time, the strength that radiated inside her petite body that he could just admire for all of eternity.

She rested her chin in the crook of his neck with a crooked expression of her lips, attempting to sort out the conflicting mess that was her feelings. “Partying without me now, are we? Why, I might as well get my feelings hurt,” she teases, sliding her fingertips along his sides.

“Of course I wouldn’t do anything to fun without you, my love. Speaking of fun, what kind of tricks have you brought today? I couldn’t wait to see what we are gonna try next,” Leo says.

“About that...” she says, sighing and bringing her face back up to meet his eyes. “I think that we should, have a little talk. Discuss some things.”

“Talking? When did that become something you were into?” he asked.

“When I met you,” she replied, resting a hand on his shoulder once more and looking into his eyes to assure that she was at least attempting to be serious.

“Alright Karai, what is it?” he asks.

“It’s just…you’ve changed, Leo. I was trying to help you, I thought everything would be better if you were more like me, but I was wrong. I miss you, and I never would accept it before but, you’re the best person that I’ve ever met and I’ve taken that away. What I’m trying to say here is – I’m sorry,” she tells him, stuttering in vulnerability.

“What are you talking about? You didn’t take anything away from me, I’m right here,” he tells her, raising a brow in confusion.

“You’re leaving your family, Leo. I found your kid brother out in an alley last night and I just had to look at him once to understand. You used to be so different than you are now, and it’s all my fault,” she sighs.

“Karai, I haven’t left anyone. Splinter made it clear when he didn’t want me anymore and I know what’s best for my little brothers. We aren’t a team anymore as long as things are going the way they are, and the only thing you did was teach me how to live without so much responsibility. I understood what person I was brainwashed into being from what Splinter did to me growing up and I’m just trying to understand what it means to be alive, to have fun. You are only making me live better,” he insists.

“I just…I don’t think the drugs are a good idea. I know what they do to people, I’ve seen it myself. Those things are going to tear you apart, and I can’t bare that happening to you. You’re the only good thing I’ve ever had, and I can’t lose you,” she tells him.

He takes her into his arms, and she feels an explosion erupting in her heart, her emotions running violently ramped through her brain, her heart racing at an incredible speed.

“Karai, nothing is going to go wrong, everything is fine. I’m right here with you, where I belong, and I will never ever leave you. I just wanna have a little fun, I know when to stop,” he soothes.

“Do you, Leo? We started off just smoking a cigarette once in a while and look at us now, about to get into hardcore drugs! You think you have control of the situation, when really you do not. I just don’t wanna see you more gone than you already are,” she tells him.

“You know what Karai? We’ll come to a compromise. You know I love you and I’d do anything for you but my days of following what others want me to do are over. I am still going to try the drugs, and whether you do it with me or not is your decision. However, I cannot stand making you sad, so I will prove to you that I am not gone. I will go home with my family and you will see that I am still myself. Do you understand?” he tells her.

Karai is silent for a moment, digging her face into his chest and letting his words run through her head. She would have to contact Mikey somehow and talk to him about this, work out a plan to bring back Leo together. For now, she could only appease him, and maybe he really did have things under control.

She knew she was a fool. She never thought anyone could make her so asinine, but looking into his eyes could make her do just about anything.

“I trust you, Leonardo,” she tells him, “you mean the world to me.”

“Thank you, my love,” he says, kissing her forehead before sliding out his phone. Karai doesn’t even bother to ask him who he’s calling, feeling numb n her scattered emotions and keeping her glance to the sky above and her cheek against his heartbeat.

“Good afternoon sir, it’s Leonardo. I’ve taken interest in your offer.”

Karai’s eyes widen, shriveling into herself. Looks like she didn’t have enough time as she thought.

“You sure that would be convenient? You know where to find me. Thanks again,” he says, hanging up the phone and wrapping his arms around her again.

“What are you doing?” she asks as he puts the phone away.

“He said he’d make the deal here and now, before he goes to visit my brother. I have some money I’ve been collecting in case of emergencies, but this can be a valid excuse, can’t it?” he says.

“I don’t know why you’re so eager to trust that guy – everything about him is shady. First of all, he knows way more than he should, he was just standing around watching us when we were fucking, he went up to your little brother out of nowhere and offered help when he really didn’t have to. With you knowing what you know, why would you trust your brothers with someone who deals drugs?” Karai points out.

“I don’t know where he came from and why he is so interested in us, but one thing I’ve learned is to give someone a chance. He came to help us when no one else would, and so far he’s done nothing but try to help the family even when Raph is a dick to him. No one asked him to step up, but he did, and I’m not about to let his secret life affect the way he can medically treat my brother,” Leo tells her.

“And what about Michelangelo? Does he not go to assist that guy after he sees Donnie and he just happens to be injured every time afterwards? Don’t you think you should start looking into that?” she asks.

“There’s been some issues with the Purple Dragons lately that I am looking into fixing and Michelangelo must be more responsible about protecting himself. Where he was coming from when he gets attacked has nothing to do with it. Why are you acting so weird all of the sudden, Karai? You never would have given a fuck before about this kind of stuff before today, what is up with all the sappy shit? You possessed or something?” he asks.

“Nah, I just decided to stop being such an idiot and I suggest you do the same. There are lots of ways to be bad and have fun, but not have fun and be stupid. I know when something’s up and I’m just trying to fix it,” she tells him.

“But that’s the question – is anything even fixable? After something has broken, is it even possible to make it work the way it worked before? Why should we even bother?” he tells her.

She doesn’t have an answer for him this time, just staring into the sky and snuggling into his shoulder.

It is only moments before the strange man appears on the rooftop with them, and she can’t help but dart her eyes in his direction venomously, suspicion sinking through her glance.

“I am here to discuss your deal, Leonardo,” he tells him, standing solemnly on the other side of the rooftop.

Leo disconnects from Karai’s touch, stepping over to make speedy relations with the strange man. Karai remains kneeling in her place and watches from afar, keeping her eyes sharp.

“You must remain silent about this exchange to everyone, including every member of your family and your little friends. To the rest of the world, I am not involved in this business, and I am going to trust your word that you will not out me. Do I make myself clear?” The Psychologist says.

“Affirmative, sir. That order goes both ways,” Leonardo responds.

“You will watch your boundaries with me, boy. Now, I must head to your home to visit your brother. I wish you the best of fun and luck and hope that we can come into business again,” The psychologist smirks, and Karai has seen some of the world’s evilest people but just the way that he smiled sent shivers down her spine.

He disappears into the sunlight below, leaving Leo with a bag in his grasp.

He turns down to look at it, then looks back at Karai. “You know how to snort cocaine?”

She closes her eyes hesitantly, feeling the breeze play with the loose strands of her hair.

She had made a promise to Mikey, a promise to _herself_ , and she intended on keeping that.

Yet she had to sort things out soon and she would do anything for Leonardo, anything in the world that would make him smile.

“Of course I do,” she told him.

X

Raph was burning as he approached closer and closer to his home, each footstep increasing the fire that was building up inside of him. He was not only feeling sickened from the inside out from the after effect of the alcohol digestion, but his mind was burning with a storm of flames and smokes that clouded every able thought in his mind.

His brain was scattered with an assortment of emotions, a whirlwind of negativity delivered in many different shapes and forms. It was a mixture of fear, suspicion, betrayal, concern, and heartbreak all in one, and he couldn’t even find one specific place to outlet all of it. All he knew was that he needed to find things and find them fast or he simply wouldn’t be able to live with himself another day.

His footsteps were heavy as he entered his broken home, the vibe still ominous from what he had left here last night and a thunder still romping from each time he let his feet hit the ground. Almost instantly at the time that he entered he caught a swifter movement directly behind him, causing him to groan at the inevitable.

“Where have you been, Raphael?” the stern voice says from behind him. Splinter is as tall and firm as ever, yet for some reason standing beside him didn’t make Raphael feel as small.

“Leo and I went out. I’m back now, it’s no big deal,” he insists, attempting to continue on but being halted by his father’s grip on his shoulder.

“And you think that is acceptable to run around like hoodlums until nearly the next night? What kind of excuse do you have for your behavior and even more importantly where is your brother?” Splinter continues.

“It’s not really different from anything we’ve done before, so I don’t know why you suddenly start to care now. I don’t know where Leo went but you made it clear you don’t want him so why does it matter?” Raph coldly replies.

“When did I ever say that I do not care? I am your father, Raphael, and you are still children and I will always have the upper hand of the situation. Just because we have been going through a rough patch does not give you the excuse to demean my authority! And I will never stop wanting any of you – what could have possibly put such ideas in your head?” Splinter replies.

“Why don’t you look in the mirror and you’ll find out real quick,” Raph says, breaking out of his grasp and continuing towards the bedrooms. This time, Splinter does not attempt to stop him.

Yet he remained in place and stared on at the vacant place where his headstrong son had previously been standing, secretly riveting in the desire to hold his sons like when they were small scared children. Even though they had grown tremendously and have been damaged by the darkness of the world that he swore he’d shield them from, every time he looked into their eyes he could see nothing but the giggling little boys that would once run into his arms.

They were so tiny and innocent, oblivious to the disgustingly dark world above them and the treatment that it had in store. He had sworn to protect them and love them unconditionally, preserve that precious light in their eyes away from the toxic world they were damned too.

He had failed, and for that he would never forgive himself.

X

Every step that he traveled farther from his father and closer to his baby brother’s room, Raphael’s fury just agonizingly intensified. It was so _fucked up,_ all of it being so fucked up on a level that he just couldn’t get back at it for. His life was swelling in on him and he felt himself drowning through the intoxications, each member of his family a different stab through his heart and he slowly bled to his defeat.

He was a little too aggressive slamming open Mikey’s door, and he noticed his little brother flinch but he did not look away from the video game he was playing. For some reason, seeing his brother playing games just pissed him off more. They were going through this and he thought it was okay to just forget everything and play around?

“Tick tock, Mikey,” Raph says, closing the door behind him and leaning against the door.

Mikey allows his eyes to glance at his brother shortly giving a tiny smile before returning his full attention to his game.

Raph growls in frustration, harshly slamming the television off and grabbing the control from Mikey’s hands. “This isn’t time for games Mikey, your time is up. You ain’t running away from me anymore.”

“Who said I was running away from you?” Mikey replies.

“Don’t play stupid with me, kid, we both know exactly what I’m talking away. You think I would fall for your Purple Dragon bullshit and just let it slide? I gave you time to rest, I gave you time to collect yourself, your time is up,” Raph replies, moving closer to the bed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Raph. I told you what happened and that’s final, it isn’t my problem if you don’t believe me,” Mikey says coldly back.

“How could you put me through this bullshit, Michelangelo? After all that’s going on, you have to become a liar too? Since when did we keep secrets? You were the only one I thought I could rely on to always keep it real, but I guess I was mistaken,” Raph shouts, causing Mikey to feel anxiousness stream through his veins.

“Honestly, fuck you Raph. It isn’t my job to be your easy way out and if you decide to not trust your own brother anymore then I guess that’s on you,” Mikey says numbly, still wearing a straight face and his voice vacant of emotion.

“When the hell did you start talking like that? Don’t you see I’m trying to help you? You’re my kid brother and it is my business what’s going on with you, and if who I suspect is hurting you then I have someone to kill tonight. You been acting so weird lately and I’m tired of it, I’m getting real tired of all the selfish fucks in this family! First it was Donnie, then Leo, then Sensei, and now you too? I’m the only one actually trying to keep us all together and this is what I get in return? When the hell will you guys start caring about someone other than yourselves? Isn’t a surprise from the rest of them, but I’d never expect you to grow up a selfish son of a bitch too,” Raph shouts in frustration.

Mikey doesn’t answer, his eyes focused on the blank television in front of him, his eyes widening and sweat beginning to glisten down his forehead. Raph quirks an eyebrow as his begins to examine his deathly silent baby brother, his baby brother whose lip was caving in, his baby brother whose chest was starting to hyperventilate with the tiny harsh breaths coming on of his nose, his baby brother whose fingers were starting to tremble against his thighs.

“Mike- “

“ _You think I’m selfish?”_ his voice is barely above a whisper, hardly even audible, yet was being weakly repeated.

“I can’t hear you- “

“YOU THINK I’M FUCKING SELFISH?!” Mikey explodes, sitting up out of his position completely with an expression of rage that Raph had never seen on his baby brother.

“Whoa, you don’t have to get so heated- “

“How about _you_ stop being selfish for once and just listen to what I fucking tell you – if the Purple Dragons did it, then they did it. I’m getting torn apart for all of you every single day and a part of that is you knowing that the Purple Dragons did it. It’s no surprise you piss off Leo and Sensei so much because you just never know when it’s time to give up and stop. Sometimes you don’t get your way and you just listen and go along with it because that’s what selflessness is. Ever heard of that?!” the words are escaping Mikey’s mouth at an extremely rapid pace to where they are barely understandable, even though he is screaming at the top of his lungs.

“Knock it off, you’re gonna make your leg worse!” Raph warns.

“Damn my leg! It’s broken just like everything else around here, so why should it matter? Maybe this should break, and this should break too! Why the hell not?” he says, grabbing his belongings and slamming them against the wall.

Raph never thought he’d see the day that his carefree baby brother would lose his sanity.

“Knock that off Mikey, knock it off!” he instinctively yells back in response, beginning to panic.

“You know, maybe you’re right, I am a selfish son of a bitch. April is going to die because of me, it’s all my fault. Maybe soon we will all die because of me, unless I don’t just go die first. I am the one who is caught up in the mess because I didn’t understand what it means to be selfish. Don’t worry Raph, maybe soon I’ll be gone and Donnie will be gone and Leo will be gone too and you’ll never have to deal with our shit ever again!” he says, cut off by an injured cry as he collapses to the floor gripping his injured leg.

“Don’t talk like that, Mikey! Please stop it! You ain’t going anywhere, and no one else is either! I wouldn’t survive that one!” Raph says, desperately kneeling to his level.

The broken boy only hopelessly pounds the same spot on the wall over and over, thinking that maybe if he hit it enough times everything would go away. He would go away.

Raph wasn’t able to react at first, staring at the kid in shock and anxiety. He was used to this stuff from himself, and maybe Donnie, but Mikey never got upset. It was simply unorthodox.

“Calm down Mikester, you gotta calm down, okay? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled at you, I was upset and scared and I didn’t mean it. I’m here and you’re safe, okay? You’re safe,” Raph panics, throwing his hands on Mikey’s shoulders and forcing him to sit up, urging him to even his breaths.

After a few moments, Mikey’s rage attack converted into endless tears and hopeless sobbing, and Raph had never seen the kid look so small and defenseless. He suddenly got the urge to carry him under his arm and never let go.

“I don’t know what to do anymore Raph, I can’t do this. I’m trying to be brave, I’m trying to do it for you guys but I don’t know how much more I could do. I just wanted to play video games to pretend everything was okay again, but I don’t know how to do it. I just feel so – small,” Mikey cries, his shoulders shaking violently with sobs.

Raph hushes him affectionately and pulls him into his arms, holding him tightly to his chest. Mikey snuggles into Raph’s chest, secretly relieved to finally have the comfort of his older brother.

“We’re all gonna be okay, buddy, you know that? You’re gonna be just fine, and you’re being so brave through all of this. I don’t give you enough credit, and I’m sorry for that. I’ve just been a real stupid head lately and I don’t mean to take it out on you. I’m only scared for you, because you’re the only light I have and I can’t stand the thought of someone hurting you. You know I trust you, more than anyone in the world. I’m just trying to make sure I don’t lose you the way we almost lost Donnie,” Raph tells him, and he doesn’t realize that he has a few tears too.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just; there’s a point where you’ve held things in for too long and you just burst, and you really don’t mean too. You don’t have to worry about me, I’m not going anywhere,” Mikey insists, his voice hoarse and dry.

Raph sighs and appreciates holding the kid to his chest, not even comprehending the pain he would feel if he was taken from him.

He never liked to admit it, but cuddles were the only thing he needed sometimes.

“Alright, enough of this mushy bullshit? You wanna challenge me on that game you were playing?” Raph offers.

“The challenge isn’t there when you’re an inevitable loser, bro,” Mikey teases.

“You’re going down, little brother,” Raph smirks, smacking his shoulder as they reach for the controllers and turn back on the television.

Maybe, just for this match, they could pretend things were okay again.

X

The man was infiltrated with deceit and an unbearable hunger for misery as he slithered down the halls of the sewers, his overflowing eagerness increasing the pace of his footsteps toward the familiar lair. He felt like a child running to the tree on Christmas morning, dwelling in excitement over the wondrous gifts waiting for him to tear apart.

His fedora slightly sheltered his right eye, his visible one displaying the excitement to admire the storm that he has unleashed, to stir further into the wreckage and luxuriate in his creations.

“Master Splinter?” he calls out innocently, the artificial generosity in his voice disguising the menacing smirk that fades from his lips.

He steps in closer to realize Splinter is sitting on the couch and gazing emptily at the wall, a deep sadness in his eyes. He takes a second to realize the presence of the man, snapping him slightly out of his zone.

“Hello, Psychologist. Is there something I can help you with?” he responds, his voice not evident of emotion.

“Good afternoon, my friend! I have arrived for a session with Donatello!” he says enthusiastically.

“DONATELLO!” Splinter calls out after nodding, awaiting the arrival of his son. Donnie comes running into the dojo soon enough, stopping in his tracks as soon as he sees The Psychologist.

“The Psychologist is here to see you. Go and ask Michelangelo if he is feeling well enough to assist him and get to your duties,” Splinter says, turning quickly back to the couch to continue staring distraughtly into space.

If it wasn’t for how broken and mentally exhausted his Father appeared, Donnie would have put up a fight.

Instead, he responds with a small and nervous nod of the head, walking shyly out of the dojo with The Psychologist following behind him.

“Let’s go to my room, I guess,” he mutters sharply at the man.

“Your father sure went off the deep end, even worse than your oldest brother. What, is it something in the air? An effect of so many years in the sewers just beginning to set in?” The Psychologist mocks, closing himself into Donnie’s room.

“You better not say _shit_ about anyone in my family, you know that. If it wasn’t for brainwashing my dad we would have all beat the shit out of you a long time ago,” Donnie says bitterly.

“And why is that, you ungrateful little bastard?   I have done nothing but aid your family through this time of heartbreak, something that started because of you in the first place. Yet it seems the only thing you are capable of is taking more and more for yourself,” The Psychologist growls.

“No, for once it has nothing to do with myself. You’re a fucking creep, and it doesn’t take April’s psychic powers to see that. I would never allow you around any member of my family if it wasn’t for Sensei’s mind buzz. He’s emotionally lost and that’s why he can’t see right through you but the rest of us can. But we are going to figure out what you’re really up to, sooner or later, and you will pay for it in the worst of ways possibly imaginable,” Donnie says.

The Psychologist laughs maniacally. “Do you honestly think that your poor childish attempts at a threat will cause me fear? I could tear apart any of you in a second, because I have a weapon that no one else does. A weapon of strength and power, and weapon that will rip you to shreds. Once I will get what I want, you will be the one who is sorry Donatello, sorry that you got yourself into this mess when you have not even seen what kind of havoc I am capable of creating.”

“I do not fear you, I detest you, because I suspect you have become a threat to my baby brother. Do you understand what happens to people who hurt our little one?” Donnie says.

“You and I both know I am not after Michelangelo, for that is just some messed up tale that Raphael has created in an attempt to get rid of me, since you spoiled brats do not know how to respect an adult or appreciate when someone is a help to you. You adapted the excuse into your own mind deeper than what you understand, taking the easy way out like the coward that you’ve always been. You use it as an excuse to hate me, and you hate me because I am here to fix what you have created, I am not only here to fix you. Your Father is the way he is because your selfish soul was the last straw he could take, and now he is clinging onto me to help him fix the messes your brothers have become. All because of you, of your actions, of your decisions. And you hate me because I can look into your soul, I can let your mind seep through my fingertips, and I can see exactly what kind of person you really are,” The Psychologist says.

“I do not affiliate you with my own self-hatred,” Donnie responds defensively.

“That is only what you are telling yourself, to try and pretend you aren’t are horribly pathetic as you actually are. You hate me because you are a coward; because you’ve never been brave as you wish you were, because you’ve never been as strong as your brothers, because you are so weak that the bravest thing you have done is slide a blade across your own wrist. Because you see me as a threat, and it only reminds you of how much of a coward you are because you continue to not do a damn thing about it. You hate yourself because you broke this home, you broke their spirits, you are the silence in the air and you are the hatred amidst you all. You are the source of the negativity flowing your home and my presence is only a reminder of that, of how your precious family is broken and you are the center crack,” He says again.

Donnie does not reply to him, only staring harshly.

“I can see inside of you, Donatello. You are a pool of darkness and complete desolate of any form, and the little light that you had has been taken away from you. Daily the fear increases, and with every stroke of fear is a deeper stroke of self-hatred, for your fear is what is taking down all that is around you and there is simply no way around it. You can give the blame to someone else, you can choose someone or something to affiliate with all of the problems you’ve caused so all of the negativity inside you can go somewhere else and you do not have to feel so disgusted with yourself. Yet you and I both know the truth, and truth is something so permanent that it cannot be altered in the slightest of ways, as no matter how far you run you will only find yourself plummeting deeper and deeper into a pool of darkness. Isn’t that right?” he grins.

” Maybe it is. What is going inside of my insecurities going to benefit?” Donnie asks.

“Some souls are desperately hanging on to the light of their happy days, the secureness of themselves in their own bodies that they felt before. Yet what they do not realize is that there comes a point of no return, a time when you are so distorted and so damaged and stained that the only way through the darkness is to plunge right through it. Surrender yourself, give your sacrifice to the tragic art of fate, become one with the negativity that has consumed you,” The Psychologist says.

“So in simpler terms, you’re telling me to kill myself?” Donnie replies.

“I am telling you that there comes a time when you must accept yourself and the dark figure that you have become. And suicide is not always a product of selfishness. In some cases, it is the most selfless act one can commit. Sure, your loved ones will sting at first, but once they are not tainted by the evil you have infected them with they will be free. In your case, I am sure that it is too late. You have already dragged your family deep down into the spiral with you,” he says.

“Get the fuck out of here, if you’re just going to tell you what I already know,” Donnie growls.

“I was just going to be on my way, since it is obvious that you are completely unappreciative of my assistance like the little bitch that you are, cowering from your greatest fears. Until the next time that we meet again, I would like you to conjure what it means to be selfish,” The Psychologist says, resting a hand on Donnie’s shoulder. “Now, would you like to escort me to Michelangelo so that I can be on my way?”

“I’m not escorting you anywhere. Just ask my father, since you are so fond of him,” Donnie says, his voice an angry mumble.

“Suit yourself,” The Psychologist replies, exiting the room. Donnie can’t help but follow out of curiosity. He notices the man go to Mikey’s room without assistance and follows his tracks.

“Hello Michelangelo, isn’t it dandy to see you again! What a nice room you have here!” he says, entering slightly.

Raphael turns to him with a fire in his eyes, his grip around his baby brother tightening.

“Get the hell out of here,” Raph growls.

“Now now, no need to get hostile. I only wish for Mikey to come help me out with some paperwork, he understands how the machine works better than I do. It will not take too long,” The Psychologist says.

“He is going nowhere,” Raph replies instantly.

“Raph, you’re just going to have to trust me. I will be fine, I promise. I will prove to you that I am fine. Can you let me do that?” Mikey asks, looking into Raph’s eyes. Raph almost shakes from the sadness inside of them.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Raph whispers, exposing his hurt. Mikey slides a finger along to side of his face affectionately.

“Everything’s gonna be alright. You just gotta wait here for me, okay? I promise I’m okay if you just let me go,” Mikey pleads.

“Fine, little brother. But if you get hurt again this time, this is the third strike, and somebody is gonna be out,” Raph warns.

Mikey nods affirmatively and hugs his brother before grabbing the crutches and following the psychologist out of the room. He notices Donnie standing there, and he looks painfully sad.

He rushes over to kiss his cheek, flashing him a smile, and then continues out of the home with his true face of terror and no one else notices him leave.

Raph emerges from the room, his hands trembling, angry tears running down his face. “You just let him go, didn’t you? Didn’t even try to stop him? It’s all your goddamn fault!” he snaps before running violently to his own room.

Donnie stands in place for a few moments, the silence drowning him and the array of words pounding in his head threatening to burst. What The Psychologist said to him, what Raph said to him. The fact that April isn’t here anymore. The fear that Mikey wouldn’t be either, and it would all be his fault.

He didn’t want to relapse, but as much as he hated to admit it, The Psychologist was right. He was being selfish by continuing, and everyone around him was only hurting. He destroyed his own family and now April was never going to wake up. He had lost the only light that he had ever known.

And that was how he ended up on the bathroom floor, his eyes bloodshot as they stare at the old blade digging into his wrist, falling back to square one again.

At first, only he was going to fall. Now, they all were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that updates have been slow and production quality has declined. A lack in review fluidity isn’t all I need to realize my literary performance has been shit lately. Writing can be a bit of a bitch to accomplish when you’re balancing severe depression and being an extrovert. Yet we have 12 chapters left, and I plan to pack quite the package if my writing can go back to good quality :)


	18. It All Burns in Red

The walls seemed to be laughing at him endlessly, mocking at how pathetic and small he looked under the dim bathroom light. Chills ran through his bones from the numbness in his body, making it hard to even feel the fresh burning that strikes his flesh. His reflection in the mirror in front of him was haunting, a visual reminder of how disassembled he had become.

_How could a mind so powerful fall so weak so easily?_

 He turns his head bitterly towards the wall, not having the stomach to look at himself any further. As a child, the only hope that healed his insecure undertones was his future, how brilliant and empowering he would render as he grew older. He would do things to impact the world, to pay back his family, to save humanity.

Yet all he had become was a tragic hurricane, reveling in self-hatred and toxic insecurities, a shame to his family and a waste of living resources.

His existence was a mistake, a miscalculation. Yet now, his existence has caused a series of travesties, the destruction of all that have had the misfortune of being near him.

Growling in frustration, he stands up sharply, wobbling a bit on his long legs. He frowns unsatisfyingly as he cleans the bloody markings in his arm, trying to understand why he only felt angrier as a result rather than relieved.

Once the wounds had stopped bleeding, he sulked out of the bathroom into the empty dark halls, all of the weight in each footstep that he took. He could describe the storm raging in his mind as one similar to the night he attempted to take his life, yet it flowed so differently. Before, it had been a more expressive tone of numbness; relief, emptiness, acceptance. This time around, he only felt angry, lost, confused, and undefinably small.

He did not have a good sense of direction, yet he found himself along the path to the infirmary, where his princess slept. The tiniest of crooked smiles bent upon his face as he gazed upon her sleeping form, so beautiful even when in so much pain.

“April, I miss you so much, that it burns in the deepest parts of my body,” he says quietly, stroking a finger across her forehead.

“If you do not wake up, I will never see light again, for all of the light that exists in my universe is held in your smile. All of the color that I can ever see is living in the shine of your eyes, and without you I am deprived of all of the beauty in the universe, for my entire universe is you. Please, April, please come back soon. I don’t know what I’ll do without you,” he tells her.

“Wow, didn’t know you could be so romantic, D,” the familiar obnoxious voice chimes in, completely killing the moment.

Donnie sighs. “You’re just a fly on the wall, aren’t you Jones? It’s like it is impossible to escape you.”

“Hey, while Red is down I have some responsibilities to be taking care of. I can see that you had a bit of a slip, so my presence is a bit, what’s the word, essential,” he replies.

Donnie sighs again, tucking himself into his knees, and Casey even frowns at how devastated his friend appears. “Hey, it’s okay Donnie. I ain’t mad at ya. I just wanted to see what was going on.”

“If I had wanted to talk about it, I would have. It happened, I can’t take it back, and there’s nothing we can do about it anyways,” Donnie says, tracing his hands along the sheets.

“It’s not a choice of what you wanna do, idiot. If you want to keep your side of the deal and agree to get better, you’re going to have to do what it takes to achieve that, and I’ll tell you what, it’s gonna be difficult most of the time. You just gotta trust that I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to help you. You can tell me anything, and it’d be totally okay,” Casey says.

“Just like you said, it was just a slip. Thinking about April and Mikey and everything else happening in this family, and the fact that none of it would’ve happened if it wasn’t for me. My thoughts of my existence being enforced and the fact that now I actually have proof on why I just mess everything up, why I should not be here,” he says, hardly above a whisper.

“Now, you can’t say everything is your fault. Yeah, maybe people started feeling bad things when bad things happened to you, but that is not necessarily your fault. People make their own decisions; people choose what they’re gonna get themselves into. If you wanna get better, you cannot focus on what’s going on with other people before you fix yourself. Once you’re saved, then everything else can be, too. Do not look at what you’ve done to make things apart when instead you can look at how you can use things to put them back together,” Casey says, resting a hand on Donnie’s slumped shoulder.

“I was an idiot, Casey. Something in my fucked up head told me that harming myself would make it all better, but it just made me feel worse. It reminds me how much of a pathetic fool that I am,” he sighs.

“You relapsed, and that’s okay. It’s bound to happen sometimes during the process of recovery. You’ve just gotta pick yourself up and accept that it happens, but the fact that it happened doesn’t make you weak. We’ve just gotta work on some coping remedies to make sure it doesn’t happen again,” Casey tells him.

“Coping remedies, right. What kind of coping remedies do you have in mind?” Donnie asks.

“First of all, when you start feeling yourself drift down that path, you’ve got to catch your breaths. You’ve got to realize that you’re here and you’re safe, your mind is tricking you. You have to take deep breaths in and out, and focus on them. Feel them in your lungs, the warmth in the center of your chest, the reminder that you are very much alive. Then, you’ve got to find something to distract you, like a stress reliever of some kind. Whether it’s coloring, punching bags, training, math, whatever will calm you down and take out your frustrations. You’ve got to find your escape and rely on it to bring you from an attack,” Casey explains.

“Science works pretty well, I guess. I don’t remember the last time that I worked on an experiment, wrote some blueprints for a new invention. Science has always been my escape,” Donnie says, a weak smile on his face.

“Well there you have it – nerding out totally works for you. Now, you just have to remember to turn to that when you begin to feel anxious or sad,” Casey tells him.

Donatello gazes at him for a moment. “You sure are a wonder, Casey Jones.”

“Well, didn’t know we were playing a game of stating the obvious,” Casey smirks.

“No, I mean it. The fact that you are such an idiotic, arrogant, pretentious, cocky, small minded asshole and yet at the same time, you know exactly what you’re talking about when it comes down to it. You’re one of the wisest people I’ve ever known, and honestly the only one of us who hasn’t completely lost it, and god it pisses me off,” Donnie teases.

“Don’t act so surprised, you always knew Casey Jones could work wonders. One of us had to put you crazy fuckers back into place, and I’ve seen enough in my life that it is particularly difficult to fuck me up. There’s nothing wrong with being fucked up, we all are to a degree. I’m just here to make you be a little less fucked up,” Casey smiles, standing up and holding out a hand for his friend.

Donnie smiles back, accepting the grip. “Thanks, Casey.”

“You know, when I first met you, I never thought you’d be so cool,” Casey says.

“And when I met you, I never thought you’d be such a loser at Assassin’s Creed,” Donnie smirks.

Casey pushes his shoulder and darts towards the den. “It is on, Donatello!”

Donnie laughs lightly, and before he chases after his friend, he turns back to April’s sleeping form. He didn’t know what she could hear, he didn’t know what state she was in, but for some reason the expression on her face appeared to be something like happy.

X

The room was cold, but it was like it was bouncing, shaking his body and sinking him in all at the same time. The beat in his fingers was pulsing, his blood was metallic through his veins and his heart was clamoring against the skin of his chest.

He nuzzled into the top of his lover’s head, the only thing that he could feel being her warm, bare skin against his and the leftover white powder that stains under his nose. His body felt like it had been emptied out, the only thing remaining being his excessive heartbeat and the rush of blood to his head.

He stroked his finger along her jawbone, and even though she wasn’t a big fan of affection, the motion of intimacy encouraged her to crawl closer onto him, wiping the remains of the drug off of his face.

“You’re so cute when you sleep,” she hums to him caressing his cheek softly.

He only smiles down at her, holding her tightly against him, staring up at the sky and allowing the thoughts to surf through his mind.

“I wish you could stay here with me forever,” she says, her eyes closed, melting into the bliss of the moment.

“Maybe I can,” he says coldly, a smirk across his face.

“What?” she asks, her eyes opening and snapping back into alertness.

“I don’t have to go back, not ever, you know. My family made it clear that they don’t need me, why should I stay somewhere where I’m not wanted?” he says.

“Leo, you know you don’t mean that, it’s just all the drugs talking. They’re your family, you have to go home. They need you,” she tells him.

“You left your family, didn’t you? And they’ve made it quite obvious that I’m not needed. If they’re better off without me, fine. Maybe I’m better off without them too- “

“No, you’re not. You cannot even begin to compare your family to mine, and you know that Leo. Your family is close, you actually love each other, that’s the reason we are in this mess in the first place. You are more than individuals, but a family, a team, a unity. You’re not only their leader, but their big brother, and even if you don’t feel like it you need them and I’m not going to let you abandon them like that,” she tells him, sitting fully up.

“What do you mean mess? This isn’t a mess to me Karai – this is fun. You’ve showed me what it’s like to cut loose, to have fun for once. I don’t need to go back to the lifestyle my Father brainwashed me into, I don’t need to be so boring and so vulnerable to pain. This is fun, this is what I want to do, and this is the real me,” Leo says, and just looking into his eyes you can tell that he wasn’t all there anymore.

Karai’s eyes widen, “Oh god, what have I done?” she whispers to herself. She leans forward, holding Leo’s cheeks into his palms. “Leo, you need to listen to me. This is _not_ you. You are severely depressed, you were small and afraid, you didn’t know what you were getting into. The drugs and the things we’ve been doing, they’ve all warped your brain. This isn’t you! I know Leonardo more than I know anyone, and I _know_ this isn’t you.”

“Karai, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Shouldn’t you be happy? Didn’t you want me to stop being such a goodie two shoes, to be more like you? Didn’t you want me to stay with you forever?” he asks her, stinging her right to her soul.

_This was all her fault, she had to accept that. The only thing she could do in return is make it right again._

“I-I didn’t mean it like that. It didn’t have to be this way, we could’ve been…” she says, her eyes widened towards the floor.

“Karai? You alright?” he asks, leaving his hand on her thigh.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she says, standing up and putting her clothes back on. “I think I just wanna go on a self-run for a bit. I’ll be back soon,” she tells him.

He nods reluctantly and eyes her as she zips away, wide with concern for a second, before collapsing into his numbness once more.

Karai allows herself to flow with the wind, chasing the fresh morning air, jumping gracefully from building to building. She swings down into the same alley where she had spoken with Michelangelo a few nights ago, crouching down nervously and pulling out her cell.

_“Hey Mikey, it’s Karai. I took your number from Leo’s phone. Meet me at the alleyway.”_

She sends the text and then waits, sweat dripping down her forehead. She almost begins to doze off before the voice reaches her.

“Shouldn’t you be with Leo or something? I know he’s not with Raph this time,” he says.

When she glances upward, she can’t help but notice something different about the kid. His face seemed a lot angrier, even worse than the last time they had met, and his skin shade didn’t look that alright. She couldn’t help but worry just the slightest.

“Whoa, you look like you got hit by a bus. What’s up kid?” She tells him.

“Retrospectively, I can say the same to you,” he replies in a bitter monotone, and she didn’t realize the look of horror plastered upon her face.

“That’s fair, I guess, but I kind of always look like hell for one reason or another. You’re supposed to be sunshine on legs. What happened to you?” she asks.

“There comes a time when you see the world for what it really is and you don’t shine so bright anymore; for some of us, it’s just later than others. I am not to be worried about, it doesn’t matter. Did ya call me up here to be my mother or something?” Mikey says.

“I called you up here because of Leo. We need to talk about what to do about him. I don’t know how much further it can go before he’s too far gone,” she sighs.

 “He always listens to you, doesn’t he? If you don’t want him being the way he is, you can always tell him not to,” Mikey says.

“It isn’t that simple anymore, Mikey. At this point, he’s doing whatever he wants no matter who is upset by it, including me. It’s just that now I am afraid he is at a point of never return, and he’s been doing some things lately that are even freaking me out,” Karai says, an is obvious that she is in a state of distress.

“I don’t understand why you’re so concerned about it, when you are the one that got him into that in the first place. You can’t just break apart something and then expect me to fix it, Karai,” Mikey says, and she winces slightly at the sting in his voice.

“I made a mistake, okay? I was lonely and desperate for attention and I did foolish things to achieve that, and at the time I didn’t realize how much it was hurting others. I shouldn’t have done it and I regret it more than anything in the world, but the only thing I can do about it now is try to fix what I have caused. What more do you expect of me, Michelangelo?” she snaps.

“I expect nothing from anyone. If Leo wants to change, it’s not my right to go try and stop him, and I should know that the old days are a thing of the past. I don’t know why you think I expect anything of you, considering you are the one who keeps talking to me. Yeah, we made a little agreement, but you don’t have to keep it, Karai. You don’t have to fix anything; just like you said, some things just may be too far gone,” he tells her, his voice bitter and cold and Karai wonders if this is Michelangelo at all.

“No. I have made a mistake that others had to pay for and I will not rest again until I undo it, or at least do some good for someone for once in my miserable existence. No matter what Leo says, I know that you and your brothers know him better than anyone ever can. The real him, what it would take to bring him back. I can’t do this without you Mikey; don’t you want to help your brother?” Karai responds.

Mikey squishes his face tightly, his inner love for his family and vulnerability fighting against the wall of rage that was swarming around his tortured, innocent soul. “Yeah, okay. What was he doing that made you totally freak out?”

“Well…for one, he started doing cocaine. That’s like a total step up from weed, and I honestly didn’t think he would go that far. He told me something today that made me come and get you,” she says, sweating nervously.

“And that would be?” Mikey urges.

“He said that he was running away from home. That nobody in his family cares anymore and that he is unwanted, so he’s not coming home. I tried to talk him out of it but it was just like talking to a wall. I can’t let him do through with this, but I don’t know how,” she sighs shamefully.

Mikey glances down in sadness, the aura in his eyes a mixture of every inch of negativity that his body could contain. “That’s not true at all, they just don’t know how to deal with him. He should know by now that none of us have a good time coping with stuff like this, especially considering that the Donnie situation is the reason he went down that path in the first place. It’s obvious that they care about him, that I care about him, isn’t it?”

“I would have thought so, but I did no help by not drilling that idea into his mind in the first place. The blame for all of this shouldn’t be going to anyone but me. Do you think there’s any way we can prove him wrong?” she asks.

“I don’t know…maybe you can do something to help. You could come over, and see how messed up things are, and take some videos for him. He’s been pretty disconnected lately and maybe seeing things for the way they are can snap him back into reality and back into the fact that we are rudderless without him,” Mikey suggests.

“Sounds good, but would I even be welcomed to enter your home? The reason for the feud between Splinter and Leo is because of me in the first place, and Raph’s not my number one fan either,” she sighs awkwardly.

“I’ll talk with them, they’ll understand. They have to understand what it takes to get Leo back; I know they will. It’ll be fine,” he says.

She nods weakly and they both sit for a second in silence, numbly against the brick wall.

“Cocaine, huh? Where’d he get that from?” Mikey asks. He didn’t really understand cocaine but Donnie had once told him that it was a very bad drug.

“Between you and me, it’s The Psychologist guy. Can you believe he’s a dealer? That guy is just something else,” Karai lightly giggles, turning to Mikey.

Mikey’s eyes widen intensely, looking like he saw a ghost, and then converts back into the burning anger that he had when he had first arrived. Although she was accustomed to witnessing uncontainable rage, seeing it in the boy caused her fear, for she knew it was just something that didn’t belong and she couldn’t find out what had put it there.

“What’s going on kid? Something’s not right with you and you’re not fooling anyone,” she says.

“Why the hell would you think that?” he spits back, a familiar hatred towards the world in his voice.

“Maybe because I’m not an idiot. It’s obvious that this attitude is extremely out of character for you and you look like you’re this close to killing everyone, and even though I never knew you well even I know this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Something had to happen that’s hurting you this way,” she says.

“Yeah, maybe I’m angrier than I was before, so what? I saw the world for what it really is and my family fell apart, all my heroes collapsed right in front of me. Being a happy little fool isn’t going to change that,” he says, his demeanor changing slightly when she rests her fingers against his forehead.

“You’re burning up,” she tells him, “And your skin is way more pale than it should be. Overall, you look like a complete train wreck and you really should get some rest. We will have to call again soon when things fall into place and then we can start to plan out how we are going to do things,” she tells him. She helps him stand and he sets his crutches in, the anger still burning off of his skin.

“Alright, Karai. I’ll talk to you later,” he says, turning around and beginning to travel home.

“And Mikey?” Karai pipes up, and he turns around to face her once more.

“Yes?” he asks.

“Take care of yourself kid. Get some rest and value happiness, and stay out of danger. I sort of, um, care about your well-being,” she tells him, gazing at the floor,

“Thanks,” he chuckles dryly, “I’ll try my best.”

X

Raph had stormed into his room after the nasty man had taken his little brother, pounding into his punching bag with all of the aggression he had in his body. He didn’t even know how long it has been since he began repeatedly beating the inanimate object, downing cans of alcohol in-between.  

Soon enough, his knuckles weren’t as sore anymore, as his sense of touch began to fade and his sights became a bit out of line. He knew it wasn’t safe to try to cure anger with more and more drinking, or cure hangovers with getting drunk again, but he just couldn’t think of another way to numb it and he was growing addicted to the taste, addicted to the feeling of losing control.

Eventually, after a few hours had passed, he had collapsed in place, continuously trying to outlet his rage even if he had worn out his body, but the physical pain wasn’t there when he had become intoxicated. He felt like he was going to pour out his insides, melt from the inside out, flow uncontained throughout the hard floor of his bedroom. He felt so loose and so empty all at once, yet the rage still stood, perhaps even intensified, pounding against his bones and begging to be released.

Weakly, he pulls himself back onto his feet, sliding his weapons into his belt, leaning against the bed and focusing on the slurred vision of all that surrounded him. It was pulsing, everything standing out to be so obviously red, racketing his heart with the craving for destruction. He begins to storm out of his bedroom, his movement slow and crooked.

He had nearly forgotten the adrenaline that had come from a good fight, for making someone pay for the crimes they had committed. The feeling that came across the glory of battle, that came across the taste of success. To have his brothers beside him, all of them fighting crime together, all of them working as a team. All of them being a part of one another, all of them working together. How blissful it was to be one entity made of four different parts, and the way it was simply them against the world.

Why had it been so long, since he had that feeling? Since his brothers were all at his sides, all of them laughing and running with the wind under a night in New York City?

He growled in frustration, stumbling towards Leo’s room which was closest to his own. He was going to get his brothers; they were going to go out again. He had to feel okay again.

“Leo?” he called out, letting himself in. He missed Leo, he didn’t know where he had gone. Leo was the oldest, the leader, and even though he constantly denied it, he was like his hero. He always turned to Leo when things went bad, asked himself what Leo would do.

Yet where was Leo now? Things had become the worst, and he wasn’t here to lead them.

“Leo!” he yelled, growling angrily when the room was empty and appeared to be untouched for quite some time. It was so perfect, so symmetrically aligned, just like Leo was.

_Was._

He punched the wall in frustration, not caring that Leo would be angry when he learned that his wall was damaged.

Leo had to be somewhere, anywhere. There was no way he could be gone, he couldn’t disappear. He would just have to find him.

Yes, excellent! Their big brother had saved them so many times, and now it was their turn to turn the tables!

Mikey would definitely help him. He was always happy, positive, loving. He would have the patience to find Leo, patience that he wishes he could have.

He stumbles across the hall to the room of his little brother, seeking his assistance. Yet once he entered, Michelangelo was also nowhere to be found. The small television was still on, the blurred lines clear to him, the old video game system laying on the floor. The controls brought him familiarity, and he remembered being here with Mikey earlier in the evening. What had happened; why wasn’t Mikey here anymore? Where had he gone? For some reason, he just couldn’t remember.

Maybe he had gone with Leo! Yeah, that’s where. Did they go out on their own? Are they held captive? Are they in danger?

His hooded eyes widening in alarm, he ran clumsily to Donnie’s room. Donnie had to be here, didn’t he?

A flood of relief rushes through him as he sees Donnie sitting on the bed very much whole, playing video games with Casey beside him.

“Hey Raph, what’s up?” Casey asked, but it didn’t even sound like Casey at all.

“WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM!” he shouts jumping in front of the television and putting his hands on Donnie’s shoulders, shaking them in urgency.

“What are you talking about? I thought you were pissed at me,” Donnie says, before smelling the alcohol on his brother’s breath.

Raph suddenly hugs Donnie tightly, and a bit aggressively. “Why would I be mad at you, little bro? You’re my best friend, we are all best friends! Didn’t you hear me?! We have to find them, Mikey and Leo! They’re gone, they’re missing! We have to save them, Don!”

“Raph, you’re drunk. You don’t know what you are talking about. You need to go to sleep, before you get yourself into more trouble,” Donnie says.

“What? No! Nobody can go to sleep! Leo and Mikey, they aren’t here! We have to go save them, and you’re wasting time!” Raph says, yanking Donnie’s arms and pulling him off the bed.

“Leo and Mikey are fine. Leo is out on his own doing God knows what and Mikey is helping The Psychologist. They’ll probably be back soon, and you need to get to bed before Splinter gets pissed off again,” Donnie says.

“The Psychologist? Streets…?” Raph asks, quirking his head to the side as he attempts to understand.

Suddenly, it all comes back to him. Everything that’s went on, where Leo really is, what has been happening with Mikey and Donnie and Splinter and even himself.

The real reason why nothing was the same anymore.

Suddenly his eyes begin to twitch, the numbing running from his shoulders to his fingertips, and then his most familiar coating returns.

Rage.

“NO!” he yells at the top of his lungs, running out of Donnie’s room the best that he could. Donnie and Casey obligatorily follow him, cringing at the fact that he was bound to run into Splinter.

Raph runs into the kitchen, ripping open the cupboards and taking any pot or pan he could find, throwing it hard against the wall just so he could hear it bang. It was even more fun to break the glass, to feel the guns it sliced on his fingertips, to destroy anything he could get in his grasp.

“Raph!” Donnie shouted, running in to stop, only to have Casey pull him backward.

“It ain’t a good idea to approach him, dude. He’s having a rage fit and he’s drunk, he probably doesn’t even know what he’s doing. It wouldn’t be safe,” Casey says.

“That’s my brother, Casey!” Donnie replies, shrugging off his friend’s hand and heading for the kitchen, only to stop in his tracks after Splinter dashes in and tackles Raphael.

“What in God’s name do you think you are doing, Raphael? What has caused such uncalled for chaos?” Splinter shouts, holding his son down.

“NO! PLEASE, DON’T HURT ME!” Raph shouts and punches his father off of him, catching all by surprise.

Raph only stumbles back again when he tries to back up, Donnie and Casey catching his fall. He was too caught up in his Father to realize their touch, or the fact that Mikey had entered the home.

At first, once Splinter had stood, no words came out of his mouth. It was only a stare, a stare that brought terror, a stare that was a soul ready to explode, a soul that was burning red lasers out of damaged hazel eyes.

“Please don’t hate me, Dad, please,” Raph shudders.

“Leave, Raphael. I do not wish to see your face right now,” Splinter says coldly.

“But Sensei, he- “

“DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST SAID? UNTIL RAPHAEL LEARNS ABOUT CONTAINMENT AND RESPECT, HE SHALL NOT BE INSIDE OF MY HOME. I DID NOT RAISE YOU BOYS TO BE PRESENT TO ME INTOXICATED, TO DISRESPECT YOUR FATHER AND THE PROPERTY OF YOUR HOME. LEAVE!” Splinter snaps, making all of them jump.

Raph frowns and jumps out of their arms, ignoring Mikey and turning to run out of the door.

He runs as far as he can until he couldn’t run anymore, trying to get far away from there. Bodily movements still made him feel sick to his stomach, but the aching in his mind outweighed all of it. He ran above the sewers, zipping through the alleyways and rooftops, until his body could not anymore.

He crouched on top of a rooftop, his vision a bit hazy and the rage burning his skin, the sudden craving to destroy; to take. Destroy like he never had before. Just like the way everything had been destroyed around him.

He gazed down to the alley below him, making out a figure in movement. Squinting his eyes, he was able to identify it. It was Fong, the leader of the purple dragons, who just so happened to have a bat in his grasp.

Suddenly, the memories of Mikey flashed in Raph’s head. How hurt Mikey always was, how sad Mikey always was. He remembered the story that Mikey told him, the story of what happened. He remembered the fact that he was always hurt when he went out, walking the routes of these alleys, and the fact that Mikey had been gone right now.

The fact that this guy just so happened to be wandering the alley with the very weapon in questioning at this exact time.

Suddenly the rage blinded Raphael, wanting to obliterated anyone who ever dared to harm his baby brother.

They were never going to get away with this.

They were going to pay.

He flew down from the rooftop like a hawk in the night, collapsing on top of the gang member, pulling the bat right out his grasp.

“What the fuck?” Fong shouted in surprise. The turtles had not been out for them in a while, they had been on low pro forever.

“I know you hurt my little brother, you sick fuck,” Raph growls, bloodlust in his eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I haven’t seen any of you freaks in months!” he shouts back.

“Lying will only make this worse. I know exactly what you did and what you were trying to do now and you are not going to get away with this. I’m gonna make you hurt, hurt even worse than I do,” Raph threats.

“Get the hell off of me, you psycho!” Fong shouts, fighting to escape Raph’s grasp.

“You think it’s cool to beat up kids with bats, do you? Well, I’ll show you just how fun it can be,” Raph says, swinging the bat to his skull at full swing.

Fong yelled and continued to struggle, although a concussion was forming, and Raph only continued to hit him.

“Nobody hurts my little brother; you understand me? He’s my baby, the best thing I’ve ever had. Nobody hurts him, not ever, you wanna know why?” Raph says twistedly.

The criminal was barely conscious, yet still attempting to put up a fight.

“Because then, they end up dead,” Raph says, pulling the sai out of his belt and piercing the man right in the heart.

Raph only smirks at all the destruction he’s caused, the revenge he had got for Mikey, for everything.

“Fuck you. And have a nice night.”

X

Once Raph had disappeared out of the doorway, Casey and Donnie had attempted to follow immediately, only to have Splinter block the doorway.

“If I learn that any of you have followed him, everyone will be incredibly sorry,” Splinter warns.

“But Sensei, did you not just see him? He’s dead drunk, he has no self-control, he isn’t stable enough to be out there on his own!” Donnie argues.

“He should have thought of that before showing me such disrespect. Are you going to follow in his footsteps, Donatello?” Splinter mockingly replies, and it looks as if his head is about to burst off.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Mikey says, a bit under his breath.

“What did you say, Michelangelo?” Splinter asks.

“Why are you doing this to us? You’re supposed to be our father; you’re supposed to give us unconditional love. Yet when things start to get bad, you abandon us, let us unravel and then only make it worse once we have totally lost it because you weren’t here for us. Why?” Mikey says, his voice hauntingly calm.

“I have done nothing but try to put you boys inline when you are acting with disrespect and dishonor.

“Are you really gonna tell me about disrespect and dishonor after what you did?” Mikey giggles.

“Mikey…” Donnie warns.

“IT’S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT, GODDAMNIT! YOU SELFISH SON OF A BITCH! YOU WERE HURT BY WHAT HAPPENED WITH DONNIE JUST AS MUCH AS THE REST OF US, BUT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ADULT! THE FATHER! INSTEAD, YOU JUST GAVE UP ON BEING A PARENT WHEN WE NEEDED IT MOST!” Mikey screams.

“When did I give up on being a parent, ungrateful boy?” Splinter shouts back.

“Maybe when you gave up on Leo, when you judged him and abandoned him while he was lost and afraid and making mistakes and needing his father. Maybe because it’s your fault that he ran away from home, that he never wants to come back because he thinks he will never be good enough for you and that we don’t love or need him all because you decided to be fucking selfish,” Mikey spits.

“Just because I was angry does not mean I gave up on him!” he shouts back.

“It sure looks like it does when you literally unannouncibly disowned him, didn’t accept his pain or his happiness. Or how about Raph? He went off the deep end too, and all you do is judge him, never father him, never love him. He had a goddamn breakdown and was obviously unstable and what do you do> You fucking kick him out! Then you threaten to abandon Donnie next, because you decided sixteen years too late that you don’t want us anymore! You took everything from me!” Mikey shouts, tears streaming down his face.

“I’M TRYING MY BEST! I’M TRYING! I JUST WANT TO BE A GOOD FATHER!” Splinter shouts.

“Well you know what, growing up I always thought you were the best one and I always wanted to be just like you but now the only inspiration I get is to one day not be as a shitty as a father as you are,” Mikey spits coldly, and as soon as he says it he begins to regret all of the words that came out of his mouth.

Splinter is frozen, his eyes wider than they’ve ever been and his pupils dilated, his arms shaking rapidly. Donnie and Casey look at each other in alarm, and Mikey gazes at him in confusion.

Suddenly, their Sensei collapses, this arms held tight against his heart and foam coming from his mouth.

“What’s happening Donnie?” Casey asks in alarm.

“He’s having a heart attack!” Donnie shouts, pushing both of them out of the way and rushing to save his father.


	19. Dollhouse

The air was at an accelerating rate as it passed through them all, squeezing the environment to be somehow even smaller and rushing everything at the fastest motion it could go. Casey was fast to help Donnie lift Splinter and rush him to the infirmary, and despite his lack of knowledge in medical attention he was determined on offering anything that he could to help, while Michelangelo stood frozen in place, his eyes wide with horror and his mouth hanging slightly open.

That had been two hours ago, and no one had come in to move him from his place, and he was left in the silence that throbbed in his ears and the echoing memory of the sounds he had heard last throbbing in his brain.

He folded his arms into his chest and his shoulders shook with violent shivers, too afraid to look up at the mirror that was hanging parallel to him, melting in the unbearable shame of the sad person who he has become. Nevertheless, he was developing the habit of doing things that he really shouldn’t do, and he allowed himself a glance anyways.

The glance turned into a stare, his eyes now glued to the distortion light reflecting back at him. The heart that lay barred deep inside of him was frozen in fear, the cracked edges of self-hatred shaking every inch of his bones, and he began to wonder if it was possible to die from a broken spirit.

He was the most disgusting person that he had ever conjured, full of selfishness and misconceptions. He only hurt everyone around him, only caused more and more trouble, and now he just may have killed his own father.

 _Murderer_ , he thought to himself, the word alone draining more of the color from his face and causing him to back up in terror as quickly as he could, trying to find any possible way to run as far away from himself as he could.

_Horrible, disgusting, dirty person. You serve no purpose but to be used and now you are only a harmful casualty._

His hands slammed back towards his forehead, shielding his eyes from seeing himself any longer and harshly turned around, running aimlessly down the hall. His journey was seized when he ran into Casey, in the quite literal sense, and crashed hard enough to send him to the floor.

The panicked boy winced harshly as he came in contact with his friend, instantly shielding himself as if he believed that he was in danger.

“Whoa kid, chill out. It’s just me, I ain’t mad,” Casey tells him, offering a hand to help Mikey up.

Mikey accepts the gesture, yet Casey can’t help but feel uneasy by the haunted look on his face.

“Is he dead? Did I kill him?” Mikey asks instantly, emotion void from his voice.

“What? No – of course not! Thankfully, Donnie got to him in time, so Splinter’s going to be just fine after a good amount of rest and medications. I was actually coming out to look for you so I could let you know,” Casey says.

Mikey does not reply, only staring a little bit past Casey with his eyes still widened and his lip trembling in wavy lines. Eventually, he gives a slow nod, sweat dripping down his forehead, and his awkward footsteps speed a bit toward the infirmary, halting at the doorway and creeping in half way. From the side of his eye, he noted April sleeping soundly as usual, not showing any signs of change, and his father not too far from her. He was perfectly awake, yet silent and disclosed, his ears drooped down in sadness. Donnie was there, preparing some complicated medical stuff that Mikey doesn’t understand, more stress upon his face.

“Michelangelo?” Splinter asks, noticing his son and his haunted expression creeping at the doorway. Mikey jumps in alarm, and Splinter only winces in pain. He felt immense burning control his body to think about the fact that he has become his greatest fear – a terrible father. And now, his own baby was afraid to approach him. He deserved every word that the boy threw at him, for none of them were remotely far from the truth.

Mikey continues to stare at him glossily, feeling the tremble rattle through his fingertips, his heart swelling with guilt to look at his father’s crippled form.

“I am sorry, my son,” Splinter states calmly, and it was evident that he was drowning himself in shame. Mikey quirked his head in confusion, wondering why he would ever apologize when _he_ was the one who caused his own father to have a heart collapse with his evil, heartless words.

Michelangelo did not have to speak for Splinter to absorb his confusion, although Splinter himself did not understand why his youngest’s burning anger did not remain.

“I..” he began to explain, his fingers crumpling around the wrinkled sheet, his voice beginning to crack. Hamato Yoshi was _typically_ one not to cry, for in his culture he was meant to remain stoic and conceal his emotions as much as he could. Showing weakness was an action of dishonor, an action he does not want to commit.

That was before he was granted the weakness of being a parent.

“I have failed at being a Father,” he finishes.

Mikey facial expression drops from confused to devastated, for his father, the strongest person he had ever known and _would ever know,_ was very much quite weak. And the whole thing was entirely his fault.

Forgetting all of the anger and resentment haunting his small body, he zipped from the doorway with the weight lifting from her feet as he rushed towards his father, jumping onto the bed and wrapping his arms around him, snuggling his face into his chest as if he was just a frightened child again.

His little boy cuddling into him was like the trigger that broke the walls around Splinter, holding tightly to the boy and allowing himself to let it all out. When Donnie rushes over, her grasps him into his hold as well.

“I’m so sorry, my sons,” he sobs. “I never wanted anything to harm you, and I have been the one to fail you. I have abandoned my own babies, Leonardo is gone and Raphael is next. I didn’t love you all enough, did I? You didn’t think that I loved you?” he cries.

“No Dad, we know you love us,” Donnie says.

“Why did I do that to Leonardo? My precious boy. I’ve abandoned him! Why should you all continue to care for me when I have failed to care for all of you?” Splinter shouts.

“We’ve all done stupid things lately, because all of us have fallen apart,” Mikey says.

“But that is different, my child. I am the adult here, and more than that, I am your parent. I am responsible for all of your safety and I have been selfish enough to allow my own emotional pain overcome that responsibility. I do not expect any of you to understand, and once you have become parents than you will,” he tells them.

“You made a mistake, and that is okay, because you still have time to fix it. Leo would understand, he always understands. He’s only gone because he thinks that you hate him; and Raph is just, _Raph._ They aren’t gone forever, you know,” Mikey forces out one of his encouraging smiles.

Splinter reaches for the photograph that had fallen off of the nearby nightstand and shakily enclosed it into his fingertips. The photograph was not very long ago, only weeks before Donnie’s suicide attempt, and depictured the entire family together for the start of summer (which, April and Mikey insisted on taking). In the photo, Splinter was gazing down at Leonardo, Leonardo who looked so happy and innocent in his own way. Himself, who was admiring his eldest child with pride, affection and _love_.

He holds the photograph to his chest and cries, the anguish of a parent who misses a child and even more so the anguish of a parent who has failed him.

“My poor, poor child,” he cries. “Where has he gone? Is he safe?”

“I think I might know where to find Leo, if I call up a certain friend of mine,” Mikey says.

“I do not even know if I remain to have the right to bring him home after the way I have neglected to parent him over the past few months,” Splinter sighs.

“Well hey, there’s always a plan to put into action. I can call someone up and I think we just may be able to pull it off,” Mikey says.

Splinter looks up with a slight sad smile, cupping his littlest one’s cheek.

“And…I’m sorry I snapped back there, Daddy. I love you,” Mikey says, leaning down to snuggle into his father. Splinter kisses the top of his head and snuggles him back.

Mikey gives his first real smile in weeks as he gets back up.

“I’ll bring Leo back,” he says. “I promise.”

X

He was running; the floor shaking with each of his footsteps and his fingers shaking with the stained weapon, a wince going through his spine every time the liquid struck his skin.

It was morning now, the sky a burning haze like the inside of his soul, even more of a spark than it usually was. His insides felt stale and his brain felt sick, and even without the hangover he knew his insides would be flipping inside out. His mouth was crooked and his eyes were bulging, hanging right over the black circles surrounded them, and for the first time in his life he wanted to throw his sai in the gutter and let it flow far away from him.

Once he was far enough to escape the smell, he let his knees give in and allowed his heavily trembling fingers to brush his cheek, stomping at the puddle in front of him as it allowed him to see his own reflection. He crumpled into a ball and tried to push away the reoccurring memories in his mind, the only part of his drunken activities he remembered, the most horrible thing that he’s ever done.

The squishing of blood remained in his mind, the way it felt as it squirted across his face, the brush of air that came as the disgusting criminal lost his life.

And the worst part was that he didn’t regret it at all.

He banged his head against the bricks a few times, hoping that maybe the force could possibly be enough to wake him up from this never ending nightmare. Yet when he faced cold blood and a lust for violence, a craving for the taking of that man’s life he understood that the most haunting of nightmares lay in reality themselves.

Yet no amount of self-induced terror could break the passion he had for his family, which was the reason he was in this mess in the first place. So when he received the text message about what had went on with Splinter, he knew that he had to get his act together somehow and get over there.

Yet how he could he enter after committing such a sin?

Raphael clenched his fist and closed his eyes, remembering the reason why he killed the guy in the first place.

He had endangered his baby brother. It was either that scumbag, or Mikey.

He suddenly stood and approached the direction of his home, wiping his lip and putting himself back into check.

He knew he had responsibilities to care for, and that he needed to be a man in this situation, but he could not deny the haunting pictures rolling over and over in his mind.

_Becoming numb is the only solution to this – drinking until you don’t even know how to see it anymore._

He didn’t even have the time to ponder that the alcohol was the cause for all of this, but only focus on the fact that it will make him feel like it all went away.

Yet all of his precious bottles lay under his bed in his far, cold home, so even if his father was not under poor health conditions he would have to return as soon as he awakened anyways.

He felt the sweat drenching his forehead to be hotter when he got there, his eyes wide and his veins bulging. Before proceeding further, he wiped his palms upwardly across his face, trying to look at least the slightest bit normal before facing his family.

He was stern and solemn as he entered the home, wondering how many times he has head to the infirmary in the last six months. After so many years of living under such shitty circumstances, why was it now that had to be so utterly tremendous to live in?

Splinter’s ears perked when he saw Raphael enter, and there _almost_ could have been a smile on his face.

“Come in, my son,” he tells him.

Donnie notices Splinter’s desire to speak to Raphael, nodding in understanding. Michelangelo had already left to work on his little mission to bring back Leo, and Casey sat politely on the chair beside the bed because even though he meant well the kid just didn’t have the common sense to know when it was time to leave.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay Father? You know, physically?” Donnie checks.

“I am fine, child. I will surely call you if I feel that anything goes wrong,” Splinter tells him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

Donnie smiles and nods slightly, hugging his father before grabbing Casey by the wrist and exiting the room. On their way out, Donnie gives his brother a nod that could be considered sympathetic and Casey gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder.

Once the door closes behind them, Raphael looks down in shame, trying to figure out if the feeling he had was anger, sadness or fear.

“I am not angry with you, Raphael,” Splinter assures. Raphael looks back at up at him, his emerald eyes shining brighter than they usually did under this lightning but only bright enough to display all of the confusion they held.

“Why not?” Raphael asks bluntly. He knew what he did, and even with Splinter not knowing what he _did_ he had acted in a way that would never be tolerated by his father.

“For although you are old enough to hold responsibility for your actions, you do not hold all of it. I have failed at parenting, and this turmoil would not be so severe if I had simply put my own damage aside and done my job correctly. You and your brother have only turned to such lifestyles as a result of neglect that I have shown you and for that I must apologize,” he explains, and Raph wonders if he was going to cry.

Raph does not know exactly what to reply, approaching closer to the bed and sitting on the edge. “Everyone’s guilty in this world, I guess. There’s no use beating yourself up when you are just as guilty as everyone else,” he tells him.

“That is not true in our case, my son. I am the parent; I am meant to give everything to assure that you all are okay. It took Michelangelo showing me what I have done, especially to my two oldest, for me to really understand,” Splinter sighs.

“You don’t have to worry about me, I’m still here and in one piece. In fact, I’m the one that you should be least worried about. And do not forget that you’ve always been against double standards and just because you happen to be the parent does not erase the fact that we are all family and we are supposed to take care of you too,” Raph says.

“My child, look at yourself. You have been drowning yourself in alcohol and appear in such vulnerable ways that I have not seen on you since you were a child. Of course there is reason for me to worry about you. And the care for you all will always come before the care of myself, even if you had a simple flu and I was bleeding to my death. It’s something that you can only understand once you have a child of your own,” Splinter says, resting a hand on Raph’s jawbone and turning him up to look him in the eye, even when Raph startles a bit.

Raph stares at his Father for a moment, in disbelief that his earlier coding of no mercy was replaced with the small child that still existed deep inside of him, past all of the bad things that he has done. Instead, he thinks of the fact that he is here with his father, a father who is no longer looking at him with disappointment or anger or shame, but with affection and unconditional love. For the first time in months, he truly felt that his father loved him, and even more so that he always will.

He jumps in and wraps his arms around Splinter’s neck, squeezing tightly into his chest. Even though he appeared to be the ever so masculine type that disliked physical affection, Raphael’s emotions _thrived_ on them. This was something that all of his family members and April and Casey knew and no one else ever would.

Or, at least that’s what he thought now.

Splinter closes his eyes as he rocks his child, appreciating the bless of the moment to have one of his lost babies back in his arms again, a privilege that he wondered if he would ever get again.

“I love you, Raphael,” he tells him, and subtly feels his son hug him tighter.

“I love you too, Dad,” Raph tells him, and maybe things were okay it the sortest.

X

“Are you sure this is gonna be okay?” Karai asks, and for the first time ever Mikey sees fear in her eyes.

“Of course it is! I mean, they’re going to have to accept you for at _least_ three reasons. One, you’re a good friend of mine, and anyone who is friends with me can’t be so bad. Two, you’re the only one who knows exactly what’s going on with Leo and has any shot at bringing him back. Three, you want to help us, and you are proving that you aren’t so bad as they thought you were. You’re just gonna have to trust me on this Karai, I won’t let anyone be rude to you,” Mikey encourages.

Karai cannot help but smile a bit. It was obviously that her friend was hurting to the extreme but there was still an innocence deep inside his eyes that just couldn’t be destroyed.

“I know kid, of course I trust you, probably more than I’d trust anybody else,” she says, and she means it. Until she had gotten to know Michelangelo, she never had met someone who she knew truly had a pure soul. “I just get nervous; you know? When you imagine meeting your boyfriend’s family _properly,_ you don’t expect it to be through these circumstances. Especially when the times we have met haven’t be exactly friendly.”

“Look, the past and all the ninjitsu stuff is seriously not a priority right now. It kind of went on hold ever since Donnie tried to off himself and all of this started. I’ll be by your side the whole time, kay? You just got to remember that we are doing this for Leo, to bring him home,” Mikey tells her.

Karai nods in understanding, jumping down the sewer hole. “You know, you’re awfully chipper today. When I saw you the other day you looked like you wanted to kill someone.”

“Eh, every day is a new day I suppose. You know, all the teen angst and all that,” he says.

She giggles, wincing at the butterflies that build in her stomach as it’s time to go inside of the home.

“Here’s the plan,” he tells her, and her nerves ease a bit when she thinks about how much he reminds her of Leo in the subtlest of ways. “I’m gonna go in and talk to Master Splinter and tell him about what we wanna do. Then I’ll come back to get you and we can talk to him and also the others. We’ll film something from each of them explaining why they want Leo to come home and then we’ll have Donnie help us edit them together and you can show them to Leo when you go home.”

“Alright Mikey. I’ll wait right here,” she says, and he flashes her one more smile before going inside.

Karai kicks one of her feet against the bricks and leans back, trying to relax herself. Since when should she be anxious meeting the turtles, their trash friend and the rat master? Maybe it was because things were so much different than they were back then, and she didn’t think she would ever think of them as rivals again. Instead, they were only the loved ones of the only person she had ever loved, and that kind of importance felt entirely different.

The minutes that she melted in nerves and anxiety felt like years until her wide eyed friend appeared again, and she turned her head quickly enough to look like she had kept her cool.

“Karai, come in,” he says, noticing her uneasiness and stretching out his hand. She gives a small smile as she takes it, following her friend into their home.

It was much like she’d imagine any other home to be, as even she had never lived anywhere that she’d consider a home. There was photographs of them and a mess on the floor, and some quite homey decorations that we perfectly aligned. Perhaps this was what having a real family was like.

Before she could even prepare herself, Master Splinter had left the room, walking very much slower than she remembered him to. He rested a hand on her shoulder, and she looked up in a new type of intimidation.

“It is wonderful to formerly meet you, Karai. I understand that we have a lot to talk about,” he tells her.

She gives him a small smile and follows him to the den, wondering why she felt so warm.

“Thank you for allowing my visit, Master Splinter,” she says, giving a small bow of respect.

“It is my pleasure, girl, as Michelangelo has informed me of the good you have done for him and the help you wish to give Leonardo,” Splinter says, pouring her a cup of tea.

“Of course,” she tells him, and even when she hates jasmine tea she drinks it anyways. “Leonardo is very special to me, and I have been trying my best as of late to care for him.”

“I know that you are very important to my son, and I apologize for the way I have judged you. Someone who is a friend of my boys is always welcome in our home,” he smiles at her.

“Thank you for giving me a second chance, I really appreciate it,” she says awkwardly.

“Boys, come down here!” Splinter calls out, and the others soon approach with surprise on their faces.

“Why is she here?” Raph asks.

“Raphael, you are not to be rude to our guest. She is here to explain a few things and she is working with Michelangelo to get Leonardo back home,” Splinter informs him.

“Hey, we had a shaky start last time we met. Did I ever mention you are hella poppin? Nice to see ya again tuts,” Casey tells her, only to have Donnie slap him on the shoulder.

“You know where Leo is?” Donnie asks, hope in his eyes.

“Yes, I know where he is. If you’d all sit down, I’d like to tell you a few things,” she says, scooting a bit closer towards Mikey.

“So he’s okay, right? He isn’t in any kind of danger or anything? Is he still in New York? Is he eating right, or getting the necessary attributes he needs for – “

“Yo D, save the questions for later or she ain’t gonna get to the point!” Mikey interrupts.

“Sorry, I was just, well, _worried._ I’ve been worried sick. What’s going on, Karai?” Donnie says, and suddenly five pairs of anticipating eyes are looking at her.

“Well, I guess I ought to start from the beginning,” she sighs. “Before all of this happened, when we were all only familiar as rival clans, Leo and I were always something more than that. I wouldn’t say we were together, for I was still too insecure and skeptical to catch feelings, but we were almost more than friends who only visited each other in the middle of the night. I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it, but he was the only friend I ever had. He hated to keep secrets from you guys, and he trembled in fear at the thought of his father feeling dishonored by him, but he had fallen in love with me. One knows the crazy shit you’d get yourself caught in for love,” Karai says sadly.

Donnie fidgets with his fingers a bit, thinking back to how hopeless and head over heels he was, and still is. Yet then, it was enough to drive him to that distraught place one late December night.

“I always had a feeling, that he’d never get over you,” Raph says.

“Anyways, flash forward to the day after Donnie had tried to kill himself. Leo is distraught and afraid, calls me for me to help him. I am not good with comforting or handling feelings at all due to a lifetime of emotion abuse and neglect, so they only thing I thought I could do was fuck him. This was before he taught me what affectionate and non-sexual love felt like. He comes back the next of nights and he’s lost it because of what had happened with Splinter. He told me he wanted to leave that life, because he thought that he wasn’t wanted in it and didn’t belong. I guess he thought that I accepted him and you didn’t, so he was supposed to become more like me. At first, I was ecstatic at the idea; for I was still selfish and naïve and just thought that my favorite person would finally give me the company I always dreamed of,” she says, sighing at her past self’s actions.

“This is all my fault, my poor son,” Splinter curses, stroking his eyebrow.

“No, it is not. A lot of it is my fault too. I could have encouraged him to go back to the way he was, reminded him of his morals, of his role as a leader and a family member. Instead, I took advantage of his broken state to satisfy my own selfish needs of loneliness. Before I met Leonardo, I was such a lonely person that I practiced the lifestyle of individualism and that backfired when I met someone who I actually could _love._ I began to show him a few things that I really shouldn’t have, things that he would have _never_ done before then. Yet another character showed up in our lives, and it only made everything _worse._ This man who works for my dad as a janitor or something came up, and apparently he sold drugs _._ Leo took the offer on cocaine, and even I thought that was a bit too far. Yet I couldn’t find it in my heart to stop him, for after all our nights together I had fallen in love and the only way I knew how to handle love was appeasement,” she tells them.

“Wait, _cocaine_? Fucking shit! Doesn’t he know that stuff could kill him? God damn I knew we shouldn’t have just him be out, we have to find him right now! Dad, you can’t just let him- “

“Silence Donatello. We are in the process of finding him right now if you would let her finish,” Splinter says.

“Never thought Leo would be the type to snort lines,” Casey giggles, only to be kicked in the ankle by Raph.

“It was around this time that I became friends with Mikey, because I would see him around and something in me needed to look after him. I guess it was because he was Leo’s baby brother, and that made me need to protect him too. He was the first person besides Leo to not judge me, and to want to be my friend. Getting to know him and realizing what happened to Leo made me understand what I had gotten him into, and that I needed to be the one to get him out. I began urging Leo to turn his life around and return home, but the drugs were getting to him and he started to be too far gone for any of my words to make sense to him. I thought that maybe my friendship with Mikey could help to lead to helping him, and getting back the _real_ Leo. The Leo who I fell in love with, and who I didn’t realize how much I miss. Because now, I understand what love is, and nothing in me can deny how much I love him. And if I love him, I want to do anything it takes to get what’s best for him, and to help him. I know you all love him unconditionally as well, and Mikey and I were thinking that maybe with all of us together, we just may be able to get him back,” Karai finishes.

“Thank you for sharing your story with us, Karai,” Splinter begins, and it looks as though he is about to tear up. “As I and all of us have, you have realized your mistakes and are now working to make up for them, which proves that your character is not bad. What happened to Leonardo could have not happen if we were to face a series of events, so instead of focusing on why it happened we shall combine our relationships with him to bring it back. My son Michelangelo is very intelligent in such means, and has proven so with the trust that he has given to you,” Master Splinter says.

“You really think we could help Leo?” Donnie asks, and she sees hope in all of their eyes that she just has to fulfill.

“Well, Mikey and I just may have had an idea,” she says, pulling out the video camera.

X

By the time the night had fallen, the house was quiet again, but somehow the tension felt just the _slightest_ bit drained. However, the environment did not apply to the thoughts of Raph once he was all alone, the return of the mind he had yesterday morning and the once again haunting of the crime that he had committed.

Sure, things may just have the tiniest bit of hope now, removing the part about April being deep into a coma. They had Karai on their side and she just might not be as bad as she’s written as, and hopefully they could get through to Leo because they didn’t understand how they could function without a leader any longer.

Yet any changes that they would undergo, anything that would ever get better and anything that would ever occur in the history of the rest of their lives would never change what he had done.

Of course, when he made the vow that he would kill or be killed for his family no matter what, he truly meant it. Yet once the event had actually occurred, it seemed much realer and much scarier than all of the scenarios that have ever played in his head due to the fact that it was actually _real._

Despite the level of intoxications that he was under and no matter his intentions, nothing would _ever_ make him forget what it felt like to take life in cold blood with his own hand.

He knew that the image, the guilt, the weight in his conscience and the thought of what his family would think would always hold him down for as long as he continued to exist, yet was still pining to discover some type of way to give himself the ability to breathe again. Perhaps, there was one method he could shoot for that would ease his pain in just the slightest over the smallest thought that his action he could be justified.

He needed it _confirmed,_ proven that the street rat he had killed was the monster who had caused such horrible harm to his baby brother, and nothing would convince him other than the words coming out of his baby brother’s own mouth.

The thought of telling him was _horrifying,_ the kind of horrible that made his stomach twist and all of the cells in his body boil, for he the thought of the kid who looked up to him as the best guy who had ever walked the earth knowing that he had done such a disgusting thing was absolutely _devastating._

Yet the thought of living with this kind of overbearing, breathtaking guilt was the most excruciating pain that one could imagine, and if he saw the look on his little sibling’s face when he finds out that he isn’t in danger anymore, and that his older brother would always be here to assure his safety, he just might be able to live with himself.

The bravest thing Raphael has ever done was walk into his little brother’s room that night, but there comes a point in life where the control of fear is only inferior.

“Hey Raph!” Michelangelo chirps, the ever so pure grin across his face and for the first time in months the kid looks even fairly normal. He continued to have the happy go lucky optimistic grin that his brother was familiar with and if the heavy ghost wasn’t puling on his shoulders he just may have forgotten that anything was wrong in the first place.

“Hey Mike, how ya feeling?” he asks, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

“You know, I ain’t doing so bad! I’m real glad that you guys were cool with Karai and I think the videos went well, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Leo will come home. I really miss him, you know. Maybe if our family’s whole again and we can solve our issues the correct way Donnie can feel like living again and April will wake up soon and everything will be okay again!” he says, wrapping an arm affectionately around his older brother’s shoulders, taking note of the tremble that lay slightly inside them.

“That’s great Mikey, all I need to be happy is to see you happy. And you know, I think we might have a shot too, if Fearless is still as fearless as I know he is. Speaking of things getting better, I may have done something that we kind of need to talk about,” Raph says uneasily.

Mikey gulps in anticipation, feeling his skin heat up. “Sure, what is it Raphie?”

Raph sighs and bites his tongue, focusing his eyes on the floorboards below him. “Fong was the leader, wasn’t he? The ones who hurt you.”

“Umm, yeah! I mean, that’s what I told you isn’t it! I try not to look back at the incident, because moving forward is always key,” Mikey says, pushing all of the energy stored in his body to remain calm.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about the Purple Dragons hurting you anymore. I took care of the problem, and we won’t be seeing them around much anymore,” Raph says.

“Take care of them? What does that mean, like, you scared them off or something?” he asks, almost beginning to tremble.

“I guess you could say that. I’ll just tell you that he’s gone and he won’t ever come back,” Raph says, hoping his little brother wouldn’t push him to the blunt truth.

“Well, you can’t say that he’ll never come back, I mean Fong’s a pretty stubborn guy and if we didn’t scare him before we won’t be so scary now,” Mikey insists, every giggle only a comfort to his own well-being.

“No little brother, I _know_ that he will never be back,” Raph says.

“Now Raphie I know you love to be right all the time but- “

“I killed him, Michelangelo. I know Fong is never coming back because I killed him.”

A shot of silence stings through the air, the kind of silence that you can feel inside your body from being so heavy and so weightless all at the same time. The seconds felt like years as Mikey’s face stiffened in place yet fell slightly down at the same time, crawling back up so slowly that it was barely missed that it was forced. “Oh.”

“I may have not gone so far if I wasn’t drunk, but either way he was a threat to you Mikey. He almost killed you and he very well could have the next time around, and I knew that it was either you or him. You’re the best thing I have kiddo, and I could never risk anything taking you away from me. _Ever._ Please do not be angry with me, I only wish to keep you safe,” Raph says, resting his fingers on the smaller pair of shoulders.

Mikey takes a minute to conjour the strength to muster out a response. For the carefree spirit that he was, smiling was the most natural of forces that he could ever commit, a large part of his anatomy, yet now it felt like a puppet master had both sides of dimples by needles and sewing it upward by force.

“Of-of course I’m not mad! I knew you’d always be there to protect me, big bro!” Mikey says, jumping in to hug his older brother.

Raph hugs him back and smiles, and the ghost isn’t as dark anymore. “Anytime, kiddo. Get some sleep.”

Mikey nods in response, tucking himself into the blankets as he watches his brother go. As soon as he hears the footsteps ascending back towards his own room after the door shut, he allowed the tears to fall.

_You’re fucking disgusting. Sick. You blamed someone who was of innocence for your own selfish decisions, and now he’s gone. Dead. Murdered in cold blood. A human being no longer has the privilege of existing because of your outstretched, big fat lie. Even worse, your own brother was forced to commit such a crime only for the motivation of you._

He scrunched the edge of the blanket into his grasp, holding it tightly as he sobbed in self-disgust. Sometimes, he really wished Sir Teds-A-Lot was still here.

He couldn’t remember how many nights he had laid awake for hours until he body passed out from the exhaustion of sobbing, nightmares carved by the monster who had ruined his life, but he no longer feared the sleep because the biggest monster he’d ever know is himself.

Suddenly, he had this feeling that things weren’t going to be so okay anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be trying to update more frequently, now that I’m getting to the climax of the story and is relatively very excited. Anyone wonder what’s going on with April? What’s gonna happen to Leo? Other special surprises I may have in store! As always, I’d love it if you leave your thoughts on the latest chapter and predictions in the reviews!


	20. RIP 2 MY YOUTH

The breeze was cool against her pale cheeks that night, and in contrast to the black pigment of the sky and the static freight through the air, the moon was shining so much brighter than usual. He was leaning against the wall and her head lay so peacefully on his thighs that it was not even clear how many lightning storms were filling the inside of her mind with toxicity. Before the drugs had kicked in, when she still believed that the world was spinning, he would wince at even the tiniest malfunction occurring in her body at some kind of immediate psychological warning as people who might be soulmates sometimes get.

Yet now, the white powder had mounted his soul and she didn’t think it belonged to her anymore.

He was holding her phone in his hands, and even though she noticed his eye twitch he never did move them from the screen. She had spent years consuming herself in every bit of him and she had known every feeling that he had ever endured, and she knew when he was lost somewhere in-between bewildered, confused, and heartbroken.

She felt his fingertips tremble where they rested slightly above the bump in her hair, and despite the amount of intoxications she knew it was because he didn’t realize how badly he craved the presence of his family.

_“Hey, how’s it going big brother,” a partially nervous yet partially aching Raphael said, preventing his eyes from reaching the camera. “You know…it’s been pretty lame around here, without you. Never thought you’d catch me say that, huh?” he chuckled, and he kept the smile on for a little longer than he needed to._

_“You know I ain’t good with deep conversations, so don’t expect some sappy shit about how we’re incomplete without you or that the walls drain of color without you. You know, the kind of shit Don is probably gonna say. But of course you sure as hell know I ain’t gonna stay out of this and leave you out of the park anyway. All this stuff you gonna hear, it’s some real shit Leo. I ain’t playing ya here, we’re far more of a fucking wreck than we were when you left and I sorta get the feeling that you not being here has a lot to do with it. You were the only one who kept us together, ya know? I’ve been trying real hard to take care of them for you, to take my place as the next oldest and hold our family together. But no matter how much I try to pretend otherwise I will never be you and I will never be good enough to fulfill their needs. I’ve gotta admit it, we really need you home, Leonardo. Of course everyone else is going crazy out of their minds but you; you were my best friend. Whether I would ever say it or not,” he is most obviously sitting in his older brother’s room, a room that he rarely entered previously due to all of the /giant dork/ in the air._

_“Using words was never one of my strong suits, especially words that I actually mean. But if you know me as well as I think you do, you’ll get the jiff of it. I miss you, Leo, and I guess you could say that I sort of need you. And also, I sort of love you too.”_

Karai shakily kneels upwards to play the next video when she hears Raphael’s voice cut off, her heart swarming in her chest as she observes his reaction. His eyes are in pain, the pupils shrunken smaller than she’s ever seen them and the ocean in his eyes blocked by the fog, and she knows it isn’t due to the fact that her screen was the brightest thing he had seen in a while.

“Where did you get these? I-I don’t understand,” he tells her.

“Shh,” she comforts sitting and laying her finger tips along his shoulders, stroking them lightly. “Your family and I only want you to be able to get better. You might wanna listen to what they wanna say.”

He doesn’t respond at first, only leans back and allows her to hold him securely, and he could see that she was shaking almost as much as he was. He was silent, and although each click of the videos made him feel like the veins were going to pop right out of his flesh, he would give anything to hear his family’s voices again.

_“Hey, Leo man! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Ya know, even despite how bossy and apprehensive you always were, it just ain’t the same without ya. You expect me to take care of your crazy brothers all by myself? More like our crazy brothers, at this point. Of course, it ain’t a challenge for me. Nothing, besides trigonometry, is difficult for Casey Jones. But ya know, with both Red and you down I kinda feel like I’m going down too. And a totally metal warrior like me ain’t ever gonna go down, right? That’s what I always thought, Leo. But that was before I became a part of a team. If one of us is down, we all are. I guess that’s what you could use to describe what’s going on around here; starting with Don and going to you. You’d be real proud of Don dude; he’s come a long way. I’ve been working a lot with him and he really is making progress, and I think he’s gonna end up being pretty okay. That is, if you’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay, aren’t ya buddy? You’ve been through a lot of shit since I’ve known you and even before then and you always found some way to pull through. Growing up with alcoholic parents and a street full of gang bangers, I never really had anybody I could look up to. Then I met you, Leonardo. You’re smart, you’re strong, you’re badass, you’re grounded and determined and selfless and love your family. I hope that one day, I can be someone like you. You’re one of my best friends too, Leo, and you’ll always be the big bro I never had. You’re better than this, I know ya are, and we’re here to help you. I guess I don’t know a lot about family, but I do know that’s what family is for. I love ya bud, come home soon,” the boy has a smile that had more optimism and determination than Leo has ever seen._

He almost lets a single tear escape his dilated pupil after seeing his friend again, never expecting such genuine thoughts to come out of the rambunctious teenager. Something about seeing the ruffles in his hair or the sloppily tied bandana brought back the memories of leading the team, of them all leaning on him for support, of it being them against the world.

Yet now, he had ruined everything and it was far too late.

He snapped out of his crippling nostalgia when he hears the fuzz of the tape begin once more.

“ _Hey, big bro! Life without you is totally the lamest thing ever and there is like never fun around here anymore. Yeah, maybe nothing has been fun for a while but it would be a lot funner if you were around too. Donnie tells me funner isn’t a word but I know that it must be because it describes things with you around. When are you gonna come home, Leo? I found some new issues of Space Heroes that I don’t think you’ve read yet and I’m not about to cheat and read them without you! And how about some pizza gyoza? It’s been forever since we last went there and I’ll tell you my taste buds are suffering from a severe drought or something. I wonder how Mr. Murakami is doing, he’s probably wondering why none of us have stopped by for a while. I haven’t been able to go there while you’ve been gone because I’d miss you too much; all four walls in there are like paintings of memories of when we’d play games and dance and hang out and just be genuinely happy. Without you here with us, we could never be happy again. Please come home Leo, I’ll do anything you want. We’ll binge watch Space Heroes until our eyes pop out and we’ll eat all of your favorite pizzas and jam out to your favorite of those rock bands and even practice katas and all that stuff you like and I’ll try really my best to stay focused this time. We love you so much and Dad does too. Things won’t suck as bad as they did before once you come home, we’ve just gotta wait for April to wake up. Please come home Leo, please. God, I need you so much. It’s scary, big brother, it’s scary all the time and I don’t know what to do. Everything’s getting so bad and my mind is getting too dark to hide in and I need you to hold me. I need you back home. Please Leo, listen to us. Karai and us, we want to help you because we love you. I love you so much, Leo. I sleep with your Stormtrooper plushy every night because it smells like you. I love you Leo.”_

He sniffled a bit as the tape ended, his face stained with liquid and his mask darkening under his eyes. He missed his baby brother so much that it made his heart swell and to see him so hysterical made every bit of his body feel like breaking into a thousand cracks.

Karai snuggled into him, nuzzling her cheek against his and tenderly wiping the tears off of his face.

The gulp caught in his throat when the next video swiped, displaying the anxious awkwardness of the one who started it all.

_“Hey, Leo. I know that we haven’t talked in a while, probably longer ago than you’ve talked to the others, and that you probably don’t want to be talking to me. I don’t blame you for that, but it doesn’t change the fact that I need to talk to you,” he takes a deep breath, his eyes caving in from the sadness._

_“I’m so sorry, Leonardo. Sure, there can be blame found in everyone through all of this but in the end no matter what routes of blame are chosen I am the one who planted the seed. I was selfish enough to wrap you all in the trap that I was caught under and I will spend every day I can get trying to make that up to all of you. I never meant to harm you or push you away, or make you ever think that I don’t love you. I was in a horrible place and I didn’t know what I was doing but of course I still loved you. Of course I still thought you were the most admirable person to ever walk the earth, and that you were the actual impossible definition of flawless. Of course, you as every person are not perfect, and you were going to get pretty messed up from everything that’s happened. You grew up so fast that sometimes everyone else forgets that you’re still just a kid. I understand Leo, why you ended up the way you are right now and I know I’m not one to talk but you really can get better. I’m doing it Leo and so can you, we can get through recovery together. You know, you don’t have to do everything all on your own all the time. That was a lesson that I learned the hard way; we are a part of something much bigger, a family more powerful than the common. We are within something and when one part goes down then so does everything else. Please don’t be afraid to come home, Leo. As scary as everything is it’s a lot scarier for you to be so far away from us, physically and mentally. I didn’t get to tell a lot before, but I love you Leo. Not telling you that enough is the greatest regret I will ever have. I have a hard time with managing my emotions or affection of how much things mean to me but I am willing to work on that as hard as I can if that means you being here with us again. I do love you Leo, you mean the world to me. Despite the quantity of all the words I’ve ever learned none of them will ever have the capability to describe how sorry I am. Once you return, hopefully you’ll find it in your heart to let me show you.”_

Leo had to turn away from the device for a moment, pounding his oversized fist against the bricks and hiding his creased face inside of it. “It isn’t fair! None of it is his fault, he didn’t do anything wrong to me. This is not Donnie’s fault, and I made him think that it is. What kind of big brother am I?” he asks in distress.

“It’s alright Leo; everything is okay. He’s just worried about you and he misses you dearly. You’ll just have to go back and show him that everything is okay,” she says, grabbing his hands in her own and easing him back down, more delicately than she’s ever been.

“Is that all of them, Karai? Is it time for you to explain to me what is going on and what you are up to?” he asks.

“Not just yet; there is still one left that you have yet to watch,” she says, swiping to the final video on her camera roll and watching the color fade from his cheeks before she hits play.

_“Leonardo, my child. To my dismay I have only spoken so negatively to you in the past few months, and it is the most shameful thing that I have ever done. I know that you believe that I hold hate for you, my son. That I am ashamed of you and no longer wish that you were my child. It is evident that such would be the assumption after the horrible ways that I have treated you. However, it is the farthest thing ever from the truth. In fact, you and your brothers are my sunlight and heart, the entire purpose that I am still alive. After what had happened with Donatello, my soul was crushing from the inside out and I wasn’t aware of the damage I was causing. I was so afraid and so tense and I began to take it out on all of you, which there is no excuse for. I never had the right to treat you the way that I did. In fact, I have and will always be proud of you, no matter what occurs. I am so proud of you, my child, that words cannot even describe it. Of course you will always be my boy and I wish I had you back under my protection again, safe and cozy in our home. I love you, Leonardo. Despite the past, your friend Karai is quite a lovely girl. You are the heart of my world, child. You will always be my baby in my eyes. Please, return home. You have not the slightest idea how much we suffer without you.”_

Karai subtly puts the phone back in her belt when the video finishes, a signal that her point has been shown. She looks at Leo, who was staring numbly at the floor in front of them, the emotion vacuumed vacant from his face. No more tears, or fear, or anger. Only emptiness.

“Since you’ve been out here with me and the rest of you have been messed up, I began keeping an eye out for Michelangelo when he hits the streets and I sort of became fond of the kid. He sort of understood me in such an innocent way and then he was one of the only friends I’ve ever had. I saw how sad the kid was, how the light in his eyes from before was wiped clean, and I knew I had to help him. Even more so, I knew I had to help you,” she starts.

“What is going on, Karai?” he asks, his voice small and raspy.

“I went to visit your family, the other day. Mikey and I began a plan to help you get better. It’s breaking them all apart, you know. Besides that, you’ve been going too far and I’m terrified that one day I will wake up and you’ll be completely gone from me. I miss you Leo, because even if you’re right beside me the real you are so very far away. We are ready to help you,” she says, resting her hands on his shoulders.

“I do not understand this. I thought that you wanted me to be like this, I thought that you wanted me to change,” he says, and she has never heard him sounds so vulnerable.

“Baby,” she starts leaning down and holding both sides of his face in her grasp. “I never meant to get you caught up in all of this. I was lonely and confused and self-defensive, but I had no idea that it would go this far. This isn’t you Leo, and I think that deep inside you know that too. Your family loves you, and they need you, and they just want you to come together with them to work things out. I will be with you every step of the way as well, to help you grow into the beautiful, courageous person that I know you are. It’s going to be okay.”

“Karai, you aren’t understanding. I wish things were that simple, but the only thing that is simple is that it isn’t,” he says.

“What do you mean, Leo? It isn’t too late, baby boy. You’re going to be okay, and everything will be fine again,” she says, sitting behind him and holding him to her chest.

“No,” he says, his voice trembling, “I-I can’t.”

“Leo?” she asks, turning him to face her and seeing that the tears are falling at a rapid pace again and his chest is rising quickly.

“It’s too late for me, I’ll n-never be the same. I’m already gone and I n-never want them to see me like this. It would just be too hard on them, and hard on me. You can tell them that I love them, and that I’m sorry,” he says.

“No Leo, it isn’t- “

“Why did I have to be so fucking stupid?!” he shouts, beginning to sob. “I should have never done that; I should have never left them. I can’t go home, Karai. I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I _can’t._ I am already gone, and I don’t belong there anymore. It’s only going to break them apart worse than they already are. I don’t wanna be like this anymore, I just want to go home and sleep in my bed and watch Space Heroes and pretend everything is okay again. Yet it won’t be okay anymore, and now I’m on a spiral that I cannot control. What happens if I just let myself rot away permanently?” he says, the sobbing seizing mid paragraph and converting into wheezing breaths of eternal emptiness, just an example of how hysterical he had become.

She doesn’t say anything this time, only taking him into her arms again and holding him tightly, laying back against their sleeping place. She was never one to ever be described as soft, yet when handling his broken form, she was so gentle that she didn’t have a violent bone left in her body.

It was truly insanity, how loving someone can shapeshift who you are like that.

Yet when she was holding him and kissing his forehead and every inch of his face and his trembling lips and finally feeling complete as their bodies aligned so perfectly into the calamity that was their whole, she knew that everything was worth it.

“It’s all gonna be okay, Leo,” she says. “I’m gonna make sure of that, even if it kills me.”

X

The start of a morning is like a sketch that can be interpreted in many ways, understood through many different perspectives and on a large spectrum of colors depending on the way that it’s looked at. For some, it is an array of warmth and opportunity, a new day and one that is to make the best of. For others, the colors fade a lot duller; another chance to melt in the storm and allow the raindrops to flow through your mind, to prepare for more of the worst and a multiplying source of negativity.

For Donatello, the world had never prominently shined. It was usually a sea of grey, another awakening of numbness and doubt to welcome the day. He had never remembered being a morning person, and as he morphed into his adolescence and developed a crippling case of insomnia that became even more so true.

Another day was not a blessing and most certainly not exciting, as it was only an ending to the escape he got from being alive when he was asleep.

Yet on this morning of very early March, when the sky was just as peachy as it was every other morning and the inside of his rom felt equally brisk, he felt very freshly content. Contentment was a phenomenon that his mind had nearly forgotten, especially since the love of his life has been comatose.

The reason was not quite understood – was it because he finally sent communication out to Leo? Was it because his father was being reasonable? There isn’t exactly reasoning for these things, but the one thing he did understand was that he actually felt sort of _happy_ this morning.

The last time he had woken up tapping his foot and humming a twenty-one pilot song before pouring a cup of coffee was so far away that he had forgotten how absolutely blissful it was in the most innocent of ways.

Sitting at the table and the kitchen and tapping his fingers against the counter, he ponders on what he should do to spend this day. For some reason, zero of his family members had emerged from their rooms at it already passing late noon. Okay, maybe it wasn’t so abnormal, considering Splinter was still recovering from the heart collapse and Mikey always slept in the latest, but it sort of discomfited him a bit. For the majority of time he heavily cherished alone time but there are some occurrences that everyone has when company of others is simply craved.

Maybe that was the reason his chocolate eyes lit up when he saw his older brother walk into the room.

“Hey, Casey and I are gonna hang out right now, I’ve got a lot of things on my mind. Wanna come with?” he asks him, and even though he is socializing he still has an irreplaceable haunting in his eyes.

“Sure thing dude,” Donnie agrees, chipper enough for Raph to raise an eyebrow but not so much that he further expands the conversation. Donnie watches him curiously as he follows him through the sewers, trying to pinpoint what it was exactly that was so awkward.

Casey was sitting in the driver’s seat of the party wagon already, the freedom of flashing through the road encouraging the content smirk on his face. He seemed perfectly comfortable with his placing and timing and space in life and Donnie couldn’t help but smile, but the uneasiness that radiated off Raphael held down the fresh vibes.

“Sup, guys! How’s it been kicking?” Casey asks, switching to the next metal CD and pulling back to drive away.

“You know; I’m actually feeling pretty great today! It’s totally rad to get out, it’s been quite a while. How about you Raph?” Donnie asks, seeing if Raph would even bother putting up a front today.

“Yeah, whatever,” he says, and Casey and Donnie give that one glance that tells each other they’re gonna have to work to do something about this.

“Well hang on tight Raph my dude, we have quite the ride to go on. Ya ever miss Big Rock?” Casey smirks.

“Big Rock?” Raph asks, and the excitement is a little too hard to keep concealed.

“Nice! Don’t you think we should’ve brought Mikey?” Donnie suggests.

“This ain’t kid stuff, Don. I gotta sort my way through something with you two,” Raph says nervously.

“Oh, alright. Let’s just not let him know where he went, he doesn’t take lightly with these sort of things,” Donnie says, leaning back in his seat.

There are some moments you face in life that are so absolutely serene that you remember what it’s like to be alive, and the fresh air hitting you face and your favorite song on the radio remind you of the value of your humanity. They’re the kind of moments that you know you’ll see when your life flashes before your eyes and when you remember the electricity of your youth, it’ll take you back to that one day when you were 16 that you were in the car on the freedom of the freeway and you understood what the beauty in life can be.

For Donatello, this happened to be one of those moments.

When you are haunted by the spirit of depression, it tends to wipe away the spirit of your own. It takes control of your mind and eats away your passions, it melds your ability of feeling into a dark hole of nothing, it sucks the color out of the world and of life and convinces you that you are sinking and can falling and can never escape the hell that is surviving.

That mindset had taken over the inside of Donnie’s head for so long that he had begun to forget what it was to live without it, and was quite convinced that he would be wrapped inside its torture permanently. That just may be the reason that when he found passion in what that sun up there was made of and how they were able to move so rapidly yet feel so serene, when he thought about how interesting it was that the pigment of the New York sky was so bright in contrast with the shining of the sun and the blurs of colors on the road without him and why life might just be worth living, that he began to think that he _must_ be getting better.

As the vehicle started tracing off of the freeway and into the beauty that nearing rural Middletown, Donnie couldn’t help but stick his hand out to feel the wind drift through his fingers. The ride had been nearly two hours long with no noise at all other than the upbeat rock on the radio but all three boys felt perfectly content just sitting in each other’s company.

“Looks like we’re about here,” Casey smiles, finding his way up the hill to the abandoned reserve which was Big Rock.

“Remember when we were on our way back home from the farmhouse and Mikey convinced us to stop here for hours just to fuck around?” Raph asks, throwing his snack bag over his shoulder as the three exited the car.

“Man, that was a day. Remember when we all pushed you in the water, Raph?” Donne chuckles.

“Yeah, and remember when I beat your asses after?” Raph smirked.

The hike to their spot was emotionally refreshing, as one often forgets how good it feels to escape everything and become one with nature. Of course it was not difficult for them, considering they were trained fighters after all. In fact, after such a long hiatus the physical activity helped them feel a little bit more themselves again.

Once they had arrived to the rock, they lay sprawled on the golden sound and listened to the sound of the creek flowing. They all lay beside each other with their eyes closed, trying to appreciate the peace that they almost never found.

Unfortunately, Donnie and Casey had not forgotten about Raph and they would not find peace just yet.

“Hey buddy, you wanna tell us what’s going on?” Casey asks him, resting his arm over his torso slightly in a comforting encouragement. Donnie turns around as well, supporting his head up with his wrist and glancing towards his older brother.

Raph sighs, closing his eyes and caving his chest. How in the world was he going to put together what he had to say?

There was no turning around now, in the literal sense. He was just going to have to come clean.

What did he have to lose, anyway?

“You guys love me, right? We’re always gonna be a team right? You know, even if I did something bad?” Raph asks nervously.

The other two are quiet for a second, exchanging glances. “Of course, Raph,” Casey says.

“You know how it feels, right? I know that you guys do. How it feels to love someone so fiercely that you would bleed your entire body dry or even someone else’s to protect them? To have so much anger it melts out of your insides and flips back around because you have failed at protecting the one you swore you loved so dearly?” he continues.

“What did you do, Raph?” Donnie asks.

Raph sits up in fear, feeling the lightning flash through the veins in his arms as he nervously applies the rapid amount of friction. “Am I a monster, Donnie? Am I going to hell for what I did? You know, I never gave a damn about religion but do you think that I might be evil? Do I need to be killed and locked away for such a sick thing that I have done?”

Donnie and Casey sit up as well, each holding one of Raph’s hands in concern at his rising anxiety. “Raphie, what are you talking about? You need to give us an explanation if you want us to understand,” Donnie assures.

“God, they hurt Mikey, guys! They hurt my baby brother! The only good I’ve ever seen in this god awful shithole of a world! They could have _killed him!_            They could have taken him from us forever all because I couldn’t protect him in a life that he’s far too good for! I didn’t know what I was doing, I was too drunk to control myself but I had to keep him safe! I had to make sure he could never get hurt ever again!” Raph says, and he looks back at the two in terror.

“What do you mean, Raph? The Purple Dragons?” Casey asks.

“I killed them. I killed Fong last week. I was out on my own and I was drunk and hurt and I saw him walking around with a bat, the bat that Mikey told me he hurt him with. Sure, I didn’t believe Mikey’s story at first but seeing him roam the path Mikey uses with that weapon just fucking freaked me out. I had to make sure he couldn’t hurt him anymore!” Raph comes clean, and even though he is reveling in anxiety it felt so much lighter for the words to come out of his mouth.

They didn’t respond at first, gazing at the ground in thought but still holding onto Raph’s hands.

“I was really messed up about it the other night after Karai went home. It was eating me up inside and I couldn’t get it off my mind and the only way I could justify it is if I heard the words of the atrocity come out of Mikey’s mouth itself. I didn’t mean to tell him; I would never want the kid to know something like that about me but he kept pushing me and making me feel guilty for his fear and I just spit I out. He was smiling but I could tell by his eyes that it fucked him up. Does he hate me? Do you guys hate me? Should I just stay out here and out of all of your lives forever?” Raph says.

“No, Raphael. Of course we love you, and Mikey does too,” Donnie says.

“You don’t know what it’s like, for the only light you ever had to be taken right under your eyes and you’re given the opportunity to take that monster who hurt them away,” Raph says.

“Of course I do, Raphael. You know how it felt when I found April beaten in the sewers that night? Or when I saw Mikey all of those times he was hurt? He’s my baby brother too, you know. I love him just as much as you do,” Donnie says.

“But have you ever wanted to kill someone, guys? Have you ever felt so much incurable anger through your veins that you know your rage must be exerted? Have you ever shoved the tip of a weapon through human flesh with complete conscience of taking their life and not even regretting it after?” Raph says.

“I have,” Casey says quietly, and he looks down in shame.

Raph calms down for a second, both he and Donnie looking at their best friend. “What?”

“It was two years ago, when I was 15. My sister was 12. My mom was already long gone and we lived with my dad, but we had always known him as nothing but a raging alcoholic. Yet one day, shit got real,” Casey starts.

“What’d he do?” Raph asks. They hardly ever get any backstory on the mystery that is Casey Jones.

“You know, I always pretend that my sister is still around. That she is simply running the streets with her friends like she had planned to do, and after telling myself and everyone else that enough times my mind truly started to believe it. Yet when it comes down to it, I have to admit that it isn’t the truth. One night, our father was very angry because he had to pay for our food and everything else that comes with having kids under your custody. He decided he wanted to get rid of us,” Casey face looked impossibly small, small enough for Donnie to wrap one arm around his shoulders.

“It was the middle of the night on a Tuesday, and nobody expected anything irregular to happen. We all just kept to ourselves in our rooms and stayed as far away from him as we could. Suddenly, I started hearing banging on the wall next to mine hard enough to wake me up and the one cry of my name from my little sister. That was enough for me to get up and burst into her room, with my bat in my hand. He was trying to strangle her, and I swung at him without a second thought. Yet that only angered him further and suddenly it was too late. He had already grabbed a hold of both sides of her head and the movement went with the force of my bat. He cracked her neck, and she fell motionless onto the floor. He had killed her,” Casey says, almost in a whisper.

“Casey…” Raph begins, both of them staring at their friend in shock.

“She was my baby sister, the _only_ light that I have ever had. I wanted him dead, and I had forgotten everything that ever existed other than rage. I wanted to kill him in the most horrible of ways and I knew I would never be free until he was gone forever. I jumped at him and tried my best, but I was young and frail and he easily overpowered me. He put me in the ICU and got rid of my sister somehow, and then she went ‘missing’. I told them the truth, and they all passed me off as delusional from the emotional trauma of falling and getting a head injury. Nobody would listen to me, not ever. My friend Nick didn’t really drop me over a hockey accident. I had asked if he would help me kill my dad, because I needed to avenge Angel and I knew that he was on his way to killing me. Nick told me I was a sick murderer and I was going to hell,” Casey’s voice cracks, and there is even a tear.

It should have been surprising that Raph was the first to jump at him, wrapping his arms tightly around his friend. Donnie was quick to join, all three of them comforting each other.

“I try to act stupid all the time, because I learned the only way I could keep sane is by not thinking. Thinking is the end of you, did you know that? If I didn’t think and I pretended I had an okay home life and I didn’t talk about anything ever I would be okay,” Casey continues.

“Casey, you listen to me,” Donnie begins, “We are your family. We love you and we’d accept you for anything in the world, and you can tell us anything. We just want to keep you safe. Don’t you still live with your Dad?”

“Legally, but whenever I’m not sleeping at your place I go crash under a bridge or something. Last time I saw him a I may have given him a beatdown and I know the next time I see him it isn’t gonna be pretty,” he says.

“Case, you can’t keep living in fear and hatred towards him like this. He’s an evil sick man, he killed you baby sister! He can’t just keep living without punishment,” Raph states.

“I agree, and for nearly three years I’ve been trying to think of a way to get rid of him. The only shame is that he’s too powerful for me to do it on my own; I would need a plan, partner, and strategy. After the whole Nick situation, I wasn’t rushing to tell more people about it, or anything about my past at all. But when Raph said what he had done, I didn’t feel so alone anymore,” Casey says.

“Well _we’d_ help you,” Donnie answers instantly.

“What?” Casey asks.

“Case, you have no idea what you’ve done for me. When April was gone, you were the one to help pick me back up, and I will spend my whole life repaying you for that. Sure our start wasn’t so smooth and you’re a total goon but you’re my best friend, and Raph’s too. If someone has done something so evil to your sister and is endangering you, then we have no choice but to take him out. Neither of you did anything wrong, you’re only protecting your family,” Donnie says.

“Exactly. If someone had killed Mike and was trying to kill us, you’d help us out, right?” Raph says.

“Of course,” Casey says.

“Well, it’s a plan then. We’ll all have a sleepover in Raph’s room tonight and plan this out, since you know your house and your dad, Raph knows brute strength and I know strategy. We’re gonna take this creep to the park, if you know what I’m saying,” Donnie says, Raph nodding in agreement.

“You know; you guys are the best friends I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t even be alive anymore without you,” Casey says.

“That’s what family is for, right?” Raph wraps an arm around Casey’s other shoulders.

Casey smiles, hugging both of his friends into him. “Team forever, right?”

“Right,” both of them reply.

X

She woke up instinctively in the middle of the night, because somewhere in the fuzzes of her brain she that something was _not_ alright.

The vacant space beside her where her lover was meant to lay was definitely not helping it either.

Karai sat up in a panic, her thoughts of slumber evaporating with her nervousness. She searched their place for her Leo, but he was nowhere to be found. Finally, she noticed a ball in the corner that just may be him.

“Leo!” she shouts, running over and finding him lying in a fetal position, but he jumps up and runs quickly in a circle at the thought of her. She noticed he was drenched in sweat and saliva fell down from his mouth, and his pupils were hardly even visible.

“What is this? Where am I? There’s a hamster in my chest! Oh god, I’ve gotta get it out! I’ve gotta get it out before it kills me!” he screams.

“Leonardo! What are you talking about?” she shouts, taking a hold of his wrist and noticing his pulse was beating hard enough to tap against her skin. She also noticed the remnants of white powder stained under his nose.

“I’m scared, baby, I’m so fucking scared. Is this what dying feels like? Why are all of the stars burning me! I thought we liked them! I thought we were okay here!” he cries.

“Sweetie, sweetie, come here. You’re just hallucinating, none of it’s real,” she holds him over her thighs.

“I’m gonna die tonight, aren’t I? I’m gonna die!” he yells.

“No my love, you are not going to die. I won’t let you,” she soothes him.

He is able to raise his palm up to take hold of her face, and she gasped when looking into his eyes. It’s like it wasn’t even Leo in there anymore; his eyes were wired, his skin was pale, his body was skinny and lengthy, and his hand was shaking so hard that it almost made her jaw hurt.

“H-help me,” he whispers, and it seems that it was the same moment that the blood began to flow from his nose and mouth, his whole body shaking in violent seizes.

“LEO!” she screams, watching in horror as his eyes roll into the back of his head and her fingertips are quickly blanketed in blood and drool, his body shaking so harder than she knew was even possible.

“Leo, baby, listen to me! I’m here, you’ve gotta hold on, you’ve gotta!” she screams into his face.

His body broke in one harsh jolt, falling limp and broken. His beautiful face was blocked by the blood, but at least she could still feel a tiny little heartbeat.

“LEO, WAKE UP! PLEASE! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME, YOU’RE ALL I HAVE!” she screams holding his body to hers and attempting CPR.

“Don’t worry baby, I won’t let them take you. I’m gonna go get help okay?” she tells him, kissing his face and running off to the only medical attention she knew of.

She would do anything for Leonardo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is named after a song by The Neighborhood that I found fitting, you should really check it out.  
> Welcome to the 20s, friends! We are in for a wild ride!  
> Next chapter, we’ll take a little look at some well needed realizations, liberating violence, what’s going on with a certain comatose character and also a certain psychic villain ;)  
> And yes, I apologize for getting sloppy, but at least it’s a faster update.


	21. Quicksilver

She ran against the breeze of the brisk yet heavy evening, the universe weighing down on the goosebumps that blanketed her skin, and her heart beating hard enough to only increase the rapid flashing image of his fallen form before her eyes. She hadn’t even thought of entering the dreaded building since she had run away to live on the rooftops with her love, but it was only close proximity away and she was desperate to find help anywhere that she could seek it.

Or more so, where she could use the venom in her heart to force a caretaker to their aide.

She was a strike of lightning into their doorway, produced by the storm of her life and the thunder in her head. As much as she desired to sensate the destruction of glass from the force of her electricity, she knew she had to keep her cool and remain stealthy if she wanted to achieve her aspiration. Luckily, Shredder was still on his over-stayed trip to Japan so she did not have to face the concern of him exposing her infiltration. His mascots were no match for her flying form, a breeze of a shadow through the darkest pits of the night.

The medic ward was not a place she often visited, as she was never really involved in any major accidents that she could not handle herself. That was before she became aware that her entire existence itself had been a mistake, as for the false roads she has crashed upon and the wrong shots that she has triggered, but somehow all of those mistakes were excused with the fitting of imperfections in the perfections that existed inside _him_ , symmetry of a perfect pair, a foreign concept to her throbbing heart.

She could never let the world harm her, for her hatred of the world had seized when she saw the world in him.

Her eyes dented when she caught sight of the familiar man, equipped with the average Foot clothing but including much further knowledge, knowledge that was crucial to Leo’s life or death. It had been a while since her passion as a kunoichi was exercised, and despite the dire circumstances that had led her to it she couldn’t help but feel a little bit more herself again.

She struck like a cheetah pouncing at its prey, the same fire in her eyes and speed in her intentions. The medic’s eyes widened as he was caught by surprise; one second, analyzing a new form of blood tissue and the next, being held down by Shredder’s runaway-traitor kid with a blade at his throat.

“Hey, Jeffy-boy. Long time no see,” she smirks, making sure to keep her snarky persona even through her emotion terror, but a person who studied human bodies knew instantly that this was not the same girl at all.

“Karai! I was under the assumption that you had decided to depart from the Foot Clan Union! What is it you are seeking?” the man asks, a wave of nervousness in his voice.

“Oh I did, Jeffrey, and you better believe it. Yet I have a little bit of a favor to ask you for, and by that I mean a demand. Do I make myself clear?” she continues.

“You are in no place to be making demands, girl,” he tells her in defense.

“Oh really? I wouldn’t get so confident, considering you’re the one resting under the blade that you very well know I am willing to use. That’s not even to mention all the dirt I have behind you – have you assumed I have forgotten that affair you participated in a few years ago?” she tells him.

“You spoiled brat. What is it that you request, Karai?” he asks.

“Someone who I love who you wouldn’t want me to is dying, and I need you to save him. Keep in mind that if he dies under your control, you and your family will be joining him,” she threatens.

He sighs, immediately figuring out who she was referring to. “Karai, I am a medic, not a magic worker. What is to happen if I cannot do the saving?”

“Then you better try extra hard, shouldn’t you? I would suggest boosting the speed here, time doesn’t last forever,” she tells him.

The Foot medic sighs in defeat, chasing the headstrong girl to her place on the rooftop she reserved to be hers. As expected, Leonardo lay pale and unconscious with blood and saliva showering his face, a lot smaller, frailer and sadder than the man remembered him to be.

“We’ve been stupid and fucking around with cocaine and he overdosed. Fix him!” she commands.

“If I’m going to be able to aid his chance at survival, I am going to have to take him back to my infirmary at Foot headquarters. Are you willing to take that chance?” he asks her.

She closes her eyes and nods affirmatively. “Anything it will take. If anyone gets in the way of his cure, I’ll be sure to give them a quick and thoughtless death, no matter who they are.”

She grunts when the man attempts to pick him up, like the fierce protection of a lion over her goods. Her expression softened immensely when she took his frail body into her arms, enough adrenaline and the burning power of love to carry him herself, hoping that his ice cold flesh feels her warmth.

“Do not worry, my koibito,” she whispers, “We’ll make you all better.”

X

The mist that moisturized the air to be just an inch more skin crawling than usual, the overcast environment seeping into the thunder that clasped in their minds. It could sort of be imagined like an everlasting strike of lightning intertwining with the heat of the flames, all of the storm and the heat that rampaged upon this universe uniting as one.

Donatello was solemn as he sat upon the exit of the sewers on an old abandoned rooftop, feeling the sting of the breeze flow against the black hoodie he his inside while he pondered on the differences that lay within day and night. The last time that he had found himself in the daylight, he was a child of the sun and flourished under the feeding of the rays, some foolish sense of optimism taking control and appreciation for all of the puzzles that lay within the labyrinth that is to be alive; so dreamlike in contrast of the different shaded passion that floated through him as he was tucked and blanketed under the black sheet of stars. The sheet of stars that brought breezy shocks cold enough to burn you, the sheet of stars that just may work as the spark of a match that ignited the burning rage that has the power to convert a person into a bullet.

For not so long ago, he was content enough only with his update in state of mind, enjoying his memories and the feeling of car riding and nature and the presence of those he loved. Yet now, he was left with the power of taking a life in his grasp and all of his memories and joys and morals were blinded deep into his core by the sort of over protectiveness that fuels hatred, and he suddenly completely understood what Raphael had referred to.

Ride or die meant _ride or die_ , he supposed.

His thought was interrupted by the presence of his immediate older brother, his gaze also drowning amongst the sheet of stars above them. Donatello shivered as a response to his brother’s turn, wondering if it was possible for eyeballs to shiver. Perhaps, it only seemed that way from their increasing size and the unique reflection inside of them that had never been worn before.

The eyes of someone who has killed for love before, and someone who will kill for love again.

Perhaps the fear in his eyes was what made it shocking when his hand rested upon Donnie’s shoulder, the weakest form of comfort that’s impact resembled the world’s sharpest hit.

Or, just maybe, it was Donatello himself who was something like being afraid.

Yet the two boys’ expressions were nothing compared to that of their friend, whose tight grasp on his hockey stick only gave the slightest encouragement to emerge into the night.

He was typically a spirit of passion, ambition, and courage; headstrong to any opponent and bravely outspoken. He was a fighter by nature, uncommonly haunted by fear and constantly energized by enough spark to maintain the lifestyle that he did. He would expect his best friends to be stricken by the anomaly that stood before them, recoiling in fright and so unusually small. However, something told him that they were expecting it, and they both knew that they would feel the same way.

He shuddered and his legs gave out, kneeling in vulnerability before having the opportunity to continue, the anxiety taking over. What would happen if he would fail? What if he would chicken out, lose the emotional strength that pushed him to do it? What would happen afterwards – where would he go? Was he meant to fall to a similar fate?

His fears are pounded away by the stretched hand out before him, two familiar faces looking down at him. Faces that were angry, solemn and prepared for a field of violence that they were much too young to be a part of, faces that were gentle and supportive and protective. Faces that he loved, and that loved him back. Faces that were family, the only family that he had left.

“Are you ready, Case?” Raph asks, his voice soft, his voice loving.

Casey bites his lip hard enough to remind him that he was here and he contained the ability to feel, resting his hand along that of his best friend, signaling with an affirmative nod. He stands and wraps his arms around the shoulders of both of them, inhaling a deep breath. “Alright guys. Now or never right?”

They both nod, offering their hands to the center.

“Was it this, some kind of all for one and one for all type of thing?” Donnie teases.

“Whatever you want it to be, D,” Casey nervously giggles back, swinging the bat into his grasp and beginning the walk.

The situation was a dire taste of liberation, but they had to admit that the scene of battle felt quite good to return to.

The rugged edges of Manhattan were quite different from the center, the broken neighborhoods and heavy scent of crime flashing warnings around them. It was not surprising that this was where Casey lived, and why he was so accustomed to the way of the streets.

“You guys still remember the plan, right?” Casey reassures as they land parallel to the old home, preparing to dive.

They both nod, giving his hands a pump of reassurance and confidence, and the sweat painting his forehead is an ironic contradiction of the audacious smirk on his face. “Let’s do this.”

Like his trembling fingers hit the signal of a button, the two ninjas had disappeared into the shadows that chased them, taken by a gust of the wind. Casey melts the tingling in his body with one deep breath before opening the door, wondering how it felt to have a home that didn’t feel like it was swallowing him whole.

He raised his eyebrow in observation as he slowly continued deeper into the realm, keeping his hand lightly rested on the bat held in his gear sash. He felt his friends’ presence with him, and although their talent made it too difficult for a mere street fighter like him to know their exact location, he knew that they were not far. You only had to be a best friend to know that much.

He stood in the aphotic hollowness of the dingy and uncared for kitchen, surrounded by empty beer bottles and the smell that was starting to make him feel sick to his stomach. His smirk that had converted to a trembling quiver had now morphed into a venomous growl, the sensing of the monster’s presence replacing his fear with hatred, an obsessive craving for revenge.

“I know you’re in here. You ain’t hiding from me. Show yourself!” he shouts, succumbing to one of the wooden kitchen chairs and using every mixed forced that ran in his body to conceal his acerbity.

“Well dandy, if it isn’t my good ole boy Case!” a boy replies, creeping from the shadowed corner. “I knew you wouldn’t go too long without giving a visit to ya old man.”

The man sloppily falls on the matching chair, a half empty bottle of liquor in his hand. “What made you decide to come around? Your other little gang of dirt bags give up on ya?”

Casey sighs, balling his fists at an attempt to keep his cool. “I just wanted to talk to ya is all.”

Meanwhile, the other two zipped around the house light blades full of light, their fingers working quickly to launch Donnie’s deadly invention, only deadly enough to save their lives. The tiny red lights twinkled to display where they had been placed, blinking faster and faster as their limit drained out.

“Do you ever wonder about what is it that defines humanity?” Casey continues.

“What the fuck you on about?” his father replies.

“You know, what it is in living things that divides them as people or beasts; what parts of us are made of emotion, or made of instinct. Which parts of us trigger both.”

“It ain’t rocket science, idiot,” the drunken man begins.

“I ain’t talking about physiology, or appearance or how we came into this world or nothing like that. I’m talking about our souls, the real part of us that marks us different from the rest. How do you define humanity?”

“I ain’t listening to your poetic shit, faggot. If you just gonna keep looking at me like that you best get yo ass out of here,” the man warns, and for the first time ever his slam against the creaking table doesn’t even make the boy flinch.

“I ain’t here to kick it and talk about my dreams or nothing like that with you, old man. I’m just longing for the answer to one more question, a question that’s been sucking at me for years. Do you got the nerve to consider yourself human?” Casey asks, and even though his insides are burning and revolting with every emotion you could ever dig out of his soul, it is hard to tell he is feeling anything at all.

“Of course I’m human, ya little shit. Just because you pretend your little friends are don’t mean you can start questioning basic science,” he says.

“You’re incorrect,” Casey answers, almost so deep in the void that it even startles the drunk. “They are human; they feel love, pain, remorse. After growing up with you as a role model I’ve always been trying to figure out what it means to be human, and it was just when I met them that I found out. You don’t feel love, pain or remorse, do you?”

“I didn’t teach you to have feelings, faggot boy. I think I outta beat your ass, you keep running your mouth,” he threatens, but the boy’s stance does not falter.

“I ain’t never gonna be scared of you again, son of a bitch. You ain’t human, no matter what you and your stupid ass biology says, you ain’t fucking human. You don’t know how to feel, do you? Only capable of eating up more and more to continue your miserable existence,” the boy’s voice begins to waver.

“Shut your mouth, Casey!” he shouts, smashing the glass bottle again the dresser to give a sharp weapon, the shards of glass flying and sheltering tiny cuts over the headstrong boy’s face.

“You don’t feel, you _don’t._ You didn’t even care, did you? It didn’t even phase you when you killed her. She was just a little girl, damnit, and your little girl! How the fuck can you take the life from an innocent child that you brought into this world and still have enough guts to call yourself human?” Casey says, and alone close enough to hear him can taste the venom coming from his mouth.

“Get the fuck over that bitch, it was three years ago. I couldn’t afford her so I got rid of her, and you should be damn lucky I didn’t get rid of you too. You ungrateful little shit,” he says.

Casey flies over the table and slams onto the man, ignoring the availability of the broken glass. The man isn’t surprised at his guts, for he has attacked several times before. Yet even he had to admit he felt taken back by the shining darkness in his eyes.

“SHE WAS EVERYTHING I HAD! YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME! YOU TOOK MY BABY SISTER FROM ME, THE CHILD WHO YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT, JUST SO YOU COULD HAVE MORE AND MORE OF YOUR FUCKING BOOZE! I’LL KILL YOU, I’LL SPLIT YOUR BODY OPEN AND TEAR APART EVERYTHING YOU HAVE! I’LL FUCKING OBLITERATE YOU!” he shouts, releasing the prospect of control.

Donnie and Raph stop in place to exchange panic stares, wondering why the hell Casey would step off of the plan. Yet remember seeing Mikey after someone had hurt him, they completely understood.

“So much for stealth,” Raph sighs as they both jump down into action.

“What the fuck!” the man shouts, jolting his glass shard aimlessly. They soon disassemble, Donnie holding onto Casey and Raph holding onto the man, blood flowing from a deep cut in his shoulder where he had been struck by the shard.

“This wasn’t the plan, Casey! You’re gonna get yourself killed!” Donnie shouts.

“I don’t care! I don’t care what happens to me, I just want him dead!” he shouts in return.

“It’s such a pleasure to meet your precious friends, Casey. Wouldn’t it be fun if I took them away too?” the man smirks.

“Good luck with that, Slime ball,” Donnie says, striking him with the sharp end of his staff just enough to get him distracted for Raph to restrain him.

“Knock yourself out, Case. We’ll be here to back ya up,” Raph says, backing up.

Casey laughs sadistically at the man’s helpless form, tied to two poles attached to the wall. “You’re disgusting, fucking sick. I have not rested for three years, never being able to keep both eyes closed unless I had the satisfaction of taking your life.”

“You wouldn’t kill me, not like that. You wouldn’t be pussy enough to kill me all tied up,” the man spits.

“Why the hell would I have mercy for you? Angel was helpless and without defense when you killed her, wasn’t she?” Casey shouts, grabbing the man’s collar.

“You wouldn’t kill your own father, the only family you have left,” the man says, and for the first time ever fear is evident in his tone.

“YOU AREN’T MY DAMN FAMILY! I do have a family, my family is in this room right now, and it sure as hell ain’t you,” Casey shouts, swinging the bat into his grasp.

“Casey! No!” the man shouts for mercy, and something about the way it sounded made the boy freeze in his tracks. That took him back to the night that he was awoken by Angel’s cries, cries that sounded exactly the same way.

“SON OF A BITCH!” Casey yells, swinging the weapon without mercy with more force than he knew his body could carry, and even after he dented the man’s skull he continued to strike.

“Case, we gotta get out of here! The bombs are gonna go off any second now!” Raph shouts, both he and Donnie grabbing Casey by the hands and swinging him violently out of the house, the bloody bat falling behind. The three continued to run to the next block until the fell over on the impact of the blow behind them, blowing the house into unrecognizable pieces and filling the sky with a rainfall of ashes.

Casey stares at the smoke an orange sky from the same place he fell on the cement, all of the rage vanquished into a small, terrified child. As soon as Donnie put his arms around him he began to cry, and when Raph joined he began to sob. The three boys stayed like that for a while, holding the sobbing boy in the middle.

“C’mon brother, it’s time to go home,” Raph says, the way he would talk to any of his brothers after they were hurt.

They continued to sandwich him between them as they walked home, and Casey had never felt safer than he did when he was in-between his two favorite people in the world.

Maybe this is what family felt like.

X

She was stumbling in the midst of the dark entanglements, running endlessly off the edge of the world and back and falling deeper and deeper into the abyss every time that she reached out for the light above her. This is how it seemed, at least; for the desperate energy draining out of the hole in her head made her escape more and more urgent with every passing second, and her frustration only grew deeper once she hit the realization that no matter how far she ran and how loud she screamed nobody was going to hear her.

She didn’t feel so alone, because even though it was obscure and blurry in her state of immurement she could always hear them talking to her, always feel their touch just through the force of the spirit. He came and talked to her every night, the melody of his voice feeling like a blanket tucking over her, savoring her from all of the pain she was drowning in during this lethargic confinement. She wanted so badly to hold him, to feel the goosebumps on his body with the tips of her fingers and to make sure that he is okay. The energy he radiated was much more colorful now, more enlightened and full of all the life that was powering hers, and nothing soothed the vexatious state of mind she was trapped in more. However, the disdaining news of all other occurrences have stained her streak of optimism, her helplessness in all of it really setting down deep enough to make her scream, scream until her lungs gave out even if she couldn’t feel her lungs anymore.

Even if she was disconnected to the body that housed her, locked and chained solely in the deepest realm of her mind where she felt she would be locked in a sleep for the rest of eternity, a sleep not deep enough to disconnect her from the world that she could no longer touch.

She had lost grasp of the time, endless ticking swarming through her head – any shot she could give at attempting to understand what was going on. Her vision had been taken from her, replaced with a far keener sense of hearing; a far keener sense of feeling. The last night she had been conscious lay in loop in her head, playing over and over again and making her feel smaller with every push that it gave her. The monster was still out there, his memory chasing her endlessly around in the circles of her psych-reality, following her with an even more terrifying fact – the predator had not been exposed, and Mikey was still endangered. Her baby brother was hurting; experiencing one of the most agonizing of atrocities and the only person he had confided in to save him was locked up here, unable to do anything. The very thought was eating her alive, tearing her body and mind up from the middle hoping that maybe the stress of it all could cause her to explode. Maybe if she could burst, she could possibly get out of here, the flame burning her out of the black she was drowning in.

She shuddered in terror as she sensed the awful spirits reaching out to her, and she wished that Donnie was here to comfort her. Wasn’t he usually around this time of night, consecutively? Donnie would never be late; he is approximate with everything. Had something happened to him? Is he warm, or safe or okay?

The overwhelming paranoia was interrupted by the shadows catching up to her, striking her with warning. The exactly same gust of wind was familiar to her in the most frightening of ways – it signaled that the storm was on its way, a gust that none of them were prepared for, not even after the casualties that they’ve endured.

A warning that told her they were to lose everything soon, they were to be finished as the ruins of a well written tragedy that would strike the end of their tale.

A warning that they needed to hear, and that she had the inability to tell them.

She screamed as hard as her voice would allow her to, straining until she withered in pain from the exhaustion of it all, pushing to the breaking point of being heard.

Yet in the physical realm, all that came from her was an assortment of groans and slurring, her body thrashing violently in fear without his hands to soothe her. In the physical realm, she may have crashed herself enough for her eye to sliver open, the sliver turning into a breakthrough of panic and a deep breath as she flies upward, wincing at the sensation of feeling being inside her own body. Yet even though her seeing was distorted, she was aware that the room was completely isolated, silent enough to hear the buzz that came along with the void of nothingness. She tried to scream again, tried to remember what it felt like to feel the air sweep into her longs but all that came out was a worn out gasp, taking enough energy to knock her back into the pit of unconsciousness. She fell down the maze and into the core of vacancy once more, losing touch with her taste of reality and succumbing back into the realm of nothingness that she had grown so familiar with subsiding in.

She had been able to reconnect for only a mere second, and began to feel more aware of her surroundings. She would break free from these restraints soon and awaken completely, and then she would find justice for the broken little family.

Until then, she had no choice but to remain here and try over and over for her liberation.

All alone, for just a little longer.

X

Karai lay solemnly against the wall, clicking her fingernails against the floor to avoid the company of silence. She trusted her old companion to care for Leo correctly, for she knew that he would not dare the risk of facing the consequences. However, at the end of her headstrong aspiration she understood that some things were just out of their control, and she always knew that if she would lose him she would leave by his side with no second thought.

Her nerves jumped when the door standing open, the medic awaiting for her response. He was taken aback at the fact that she appeared so intimidating, a sign of weakness that Oroku Karai was definitely not known for displaying. It was insane what love can do to a person, how it can flip them from the inside out and fizz their personality into metamorphosis, how it can take the strongest warrior’s spirit and break it into the most innocent if vulnerabilities.

“What’s the news?” she asked him, her voice small and shaky and almost even terrified, a complete lack of the typical spunk of attitude that lay in her voice.

He sighs, noticing how she began to tremble when he lay a hand on her shoulder. “He’s okay, Karai. If he takes it easy for a while and you make sure to take care of him, everything should be alright. In fact, he’s awake now and he was startled to see me but he hasn’t said anything. You can go see him, and try to beat it as soon as possible. Wouldn’t want us getting caught,” he informs her.

The pigment of her face adjusts as the words seep into her, her hazel eyes dilated into thin air. She jumps up and wraps her arms around his shoulders with laughter full of absolute joy, shocking him enough almost to make him wince. Karai was not one for affection, under any circumstances. Why was she suddenly so open to it now?

“Thank you, Jeffery, thank you so much. I will forever be grateful to you,” she tells him, leaving him perplexed in the abandoned hallway before spinning inside the room.

Her lover was laying under the white sheets, his eyes staring blankly at the wall but his face turning once she enters the sanctuary. He was pale and frail and tortured, but the most beautiful thing that she’s ever seen.

“K-Karai?” he asks, raspy and barely audible.

She walks over to him slowly and rests her fingers delicately along his prominent jawline, cringing at the low temperature of his skin. “Baby...”

He holds his hand over hers against his cheek, stroking a finger to wipe a stray tear off of her face. She uses that as the signal to longue on top of him, digging her head into his shoulder and sobbing relentless. Leo laughs ironically at first as he holds her, and soon he begins to cry too, clinging tighter to her racketing frame as he embracing the fear of what he went through, of what he has become.

“It was so scary, oh god it was so scary. I could only feel the heartbeat and the blood and I thought my veins had all popped loose and I knew that I was going to die being known as nothing but a selfish tweaked out fool,” he cries, “Why the hell am I so fucking stupid? I should’ve listened, I shouldn’t have been such a goddamn asshole!”

“Shh,” she soothes him, gentle caressing his torso and kissing the side of his face. “It’s okay, Leo. You survived, and it isn’t too late to turn things around,” she says, grabbing both sides of his face, “you survived, you survived! Oh god Leo, I thought I lost you! I thought you were gone and it was all my fault!”

He holds her closer to him and soothes her while they both cry out the trauma of the night’s events, all of it catching up to them and reminding them that even under the dark lifestyle that they’ve fell under they were still only kids; and kids can only take so much.

“It’s alright, my love, everything is okay now. Everything is going to be okay, alright? I’m here and I’m not going to leave you, not ever,” he tells her.

She leans in to kiss him, and finds it funny how the touch contrasts so much to when she had kissed him months ago. At the time, she wasn’t sure if it was a product of lust or of a longing to feel like someone loved her, but she did know that it was out of selfish intentions. Yet after such a bridge of time it was so opposing that she had put her entire will to live in his unstable hands, and she would do anything that ever could be imagined in the universe if it was for him. It was something even further past love, enough for her to be able to kiss him for the reason that when her lips were touching is she felt alive again.

They seemed to burn as one single spark when they continued to kiss each other, the complete bliss they shared marking away all of the fear and resentment and regrets, replacing it solely with love.

She felt her heart swarm with warmth and love every time her eyes returned to him she fell in love all over again. He had so much potential, so much inner beauty; and she wanted him to make it in this world, no matter what it was going to take.

“Leo, do you think you can promise me something?” she says, slightly pulling her lip from his.

“Anything, anything in the world,” he replies instantly.

“If anything were to happen to me that caused me not to be here anymore, would you promise me that you’ll keep living for the both of us? You know, make a life so good that I can even feel it in death?” she asks, taking him by surprise.

“I do not ever wish to remain on this world without you,” he replies affirmatively.

“Leonardo, listen to me,” she says, “It’s not like I’m planning on kicking the bucket anytime soon or anything, it’s just…do you agree that we are an entity together, you and I?”

“I do,” he says nervously.

“I am just looking for reassurance, because my soul isn’t going to rest again until I can know that if something were to happen to one of us our entity would live on – on earth and in the spirit plane. No matter how painful it would be to not be physically together, we would never be separated because we would live on together where it is really important, embroidered in each other’s souls,” she tells him.

He sighs as he ponders, grasping her hand tightly at the thought of losing her. “Okay, Karai, I promise. Can you promise me something too?”

“Anything,” she replies.

“Can we go home tomorrow? You and I – to our real home?” he asks.

She smiles and kisses him tenderly, snuggling into his neck. “Of course we will.”

X

The match was only captivating a mere spark, not enough to strike a kill but quite enough to seed utter destruction; a form of art that kept the misery of life so entertaining. It almost brought him a sense of joy to run his fingertip around the small flickering warmth, the ease of the burning exciting the sense in his body that would generate the destruction he was to soon cast about.

He was so intrigued by destruction that he was in love with watching it all come together, and even more in love to be the one to plant it. Of course, he didn’t sprout it, but all best predators will target the most crippled and vulnerable of prey. The spreading of his opportunity filled every inch of his body with glee, for all of the pieces to press for ready for the final strike that would rip this beautiful, unique little family into shreds. He had all of them where he wanted them; the father lost and under his reasonable control, the oldest falling apart under his hand, the other two on the bridge of absolute insanity and the youngest with a broken spirit. They had become weakened threads at the tune of his needle, and as long as the psychic girl was out he had nothing to worry about, no one to stand in the way of the best part of his project.

He used the original match to spark four more, twisting them in and out of his fingertips and smiling when the heat struck his rough skin. All of them gleamed so blossoming, shining in the moist crepuscule that was his residence and reminding him of the only shine of excitation that powered his existence. The photographs surrounding him were all so beautiful, the crimson blood painting the aspect of the universe to be so captivating, the very thought that the superiority he contained thanks to the gift of his mind gave him the power to seize control of the entire universe, grab each of the weaklings and crunch them for his own nourishment.

It had been quite a while since he had begun this project, and it was just about time to finish it. They seemed to be all at the point of breaking, and regardless of Donatello’s actions at his next session this would be the right time to strike. It worked sort of like a domino effect; once the weakest one is ripped apart from the pact, the stronger ones will fall weak too.

The Psychologist admired again his collection of photographs, of his projects before and after the final effect had taken place. Beside them, he had already put up photographs of the new family, which very so happened to be his favorite of all the projects yet. He held one raggedy photo of all of them together and allowed the five matches to cross its path, laughing hysterically at their distorted faces and the way that their smiles began the gradual decay into nothingness. Before he knew it he was leaning on his bed laughing his guts out, thinking about how beautiful it would be to look at there’s.

Pulling the kitchen knife from under the pillow, he traces his burnt fingertips across it gently, giving it a loving kiss. “It’s almost time, my dear, dear friends.”

“The adversity is coming.”


	22. Eye of the Storm

Mist is an aspect that is of great companionship to fog, in which not only the fact of the traveling inconveniences, but in the way that they can take ahold of the insufflation in your lungs and grasp the boarders of your spirit, enlightening and tightening the grip on reality all at the same time. For the simple minded, weather can be considered insignificant to human interaction and feeling, but the battered teenagers knew at this point that the universe inside of a person corresponds perfectly to the universe they shelter in. However, the knowledge of differentiating what is pure calamity and the blessing of extrication contributed to the fact that mist can also be opposing to fog in all of the same ways. Fog is quite heavier, perhaps cumbersome, and contains the urge to ingress within the grim opacity. Mist, on the contrary, is refreshment; almost cleansing from all of it.

Those were some of the thoughts of the star crossed pair as she aided her sunshine in walking away from the perilous headquarters while the dawn still sheltered them, the mist overlaying her skin fitting perfectly with the ecstatic feeling of hearing his extricated breaths.

“You feeling alright, Leo?” she asks him, the cloud of her breath unusual for the season of spring but typical of being in a climate like New York. He returns to face her with a look mixed of exhaustion, love, fear, and some twisted peace of mind, but for the first time he looks at her and sees the craving of nurturing.

He knew that she was aware of his exact feelings by recognition of the shade of the gleam in his eyes, but her soft tone of voice was something like her effort of showing that she cares.

“I’m quite okay, Karai. I still feel a bit fuzzy, you know, from recovering from an overdose and the butterflies in my tummy about going home, but if I’m going to be honest, this is the best I’ve felt in a very long time,” he assures.

She closes her eyes and the pale ends of her cheek bones blossom, a serene expression that he knows he has seen before, in visions or even only once in a lucky travel of time. Maybe, it was just that she looked just like her mother.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” she asks timidly, wondering why _she_ was soaking in the want to come to a place that could be like home.

“Positive,” he replies, clearing the remainder of belongings that had stuck from their inhabited rooftop, wincing at the remnants of the drug that had harmed him.

Karai takes a minute to admire the rooftop, a rooftop that had started soaked in fog and a rooftop that had ended soaked in mist. One that had started by lust in the senses of affection, rebellion and long doing, and one that would finish purely by love.

“Alright, my koibito. Guess it’s about time now,” she tells him, grasping his hand and watching the vacancy of where the just of them had both come together and fell apart.

“It’s time to go home Karai,” he says, “where we belong.”

As they find their way through the underground route to the place that felt so distant in time but so close in heart, Leo struggled to understand whether the shivering came from the touch of briskness in the air, side effects of his health condition or the nervousness he held about coming back home. She seemed to be aware of it too, tightening the grip on his hand and shooting a smile of encouragement. Somehow, the crimson in her cheeks made him feel the slightest more confident.

Karai decided to dial Mikey once they were a little further than halfway there, and as expected he had picked up almost immediately. The vibration of his little brother’s voice was audible to Leonardo, the missing piece of him that was his love for family shivering in place.

 _“Hey, Karai! I called you a few times over the last few days but you weren’t answering me! It’s been like, a week now dude! When you gonna come over again? How’d operation Leo turn out?”_ his eager voice boomed.

Karai giggled a little, and it was evident to Leonardo that she cared for the kid almost as much as he did. “I’m super sorry I haven’t been keeping you posted Mike, but I was a little pre-occupied. But not only because I miss having my favorite little pest around, I am on my way over as we speak. I have a bit of news for you guys.”

“ _Oh man, now you’ve got me all hyped up! You can’t just leave a guy hanging like that!”_ he groans.

“Relax, buddy. I’ve just called to let you all know that I have something you might find useful. I’ll catch you in a minute,” she smiles, and it’s almost strange to see a content grin on her face that isn’t a smirk.

“I really missed that kid, you know. I didn’t know if I’d ever hear his voice again,” he sighs.

“He really missed you too, you know. They all did. Donnie and Raph, your Dad, even Casey. And I guarantee that in her comatose state April does too.

“I missed them all too, more than words can describe. I just…I hope that they can find it in themselves to forgive me,” he winces.

“Of course they will, Leo. In fact, they already have. They understand the situation and the only thing they want is for you to be with them again so the entire bunch of us can start recovering from this living nightmare,” she tells him.

Once they arrive to the house, Leo is a bit behind Karai as she confidently enters the residence. Mikey is already awaiting her arrival and zips up to greet her with a hug, and she notices that his leg has made a lot of progress.

“I have quite the surprise for ya, little one,” she says, affectionately rubbing the top of his head.

“Really?” he asks, his baby blue eyes widened. “What kind of surprise?”

“A surprise that I think you’ll really like,” she smiles, cupping his cheek. “I may have brought some company.”

Leo took it upon the moment to step further inside, Mikey’s eyes widening even further once the familiar face catches his sight. Karai recognizes the pattern of her lover’s footsteps and stands to the side, and Michelangelo’s lip begins a light tremble.

“It’s good to see you, baby brother,” Leo giggles awkwardly.

That seemed to be the blow that knocked the kid’s walls off, his jump towards his brother almost at the speed of lightning and the sobs blowing off the previous cheeriness. Leo is startled at first, but he is almost as quick to wrap his arms back around his youngest sibling, a few tears falling from his eyes as well.

“Leo, you’re back! I can’t believe you’re back,” he sobs, “I thought you didn’t want us anymore! I thought you would never come back ever again and you would die out there without us!”

“Shh, don’t cry Mikester, my pride and joy. I’m here now, and I’ve never going to leave you ever again. You don’t have to worry about me ever again, you hear me?” he says, holding the kid’s cheeks on his thumbs and pressing their foreheads together.

“Yeah,” Mikey smiles through his tears, his older brother tenderly wiping the tears off his face. “Yeah. Oh god, I love you Leo. I’m so sorry, I’m so very sorry.”

“You don’t have a thing to apologize for, kiddo. Not a thing, I promise you. I am so sorry for doing such a bad job at taking care of you, and I promise that it’s gonna change. Everything is gonna be okay now, alright?” Leo smiles to him.

“Alright, Ani,” he smiles and giggles in pure happiness, his face still wet. “Alright. I’ve gotta go get the others! They’ll be so happy, oh my!”

The boy zips deeper into the home, and Karai would even be close to tears herself to think that she helped to fix all of this, to see how moving it was to watch it all come together.

“Goddamnit Mikey, I already told you Donnie’s out doing something important and the reason I didn’t tag along with him and Case was because I wanted to sleep in! What part of that don’t you understand?” he heard Raph snap.

“Your sleep isn’t very important right now Raphie, you’ve gotta hurry up! Don’s gotta come home too, and you’ve gotta go over there right now so I can go get Dad!” Mikey yells excitedly.

“If you think I’m going to take orders from a snot nosed brat then-” Raphael stops mid-sentence when he catches note of the resident in the living room. “Wait…what the hell?”

“Raphie,” Leo smiles, “Christ, I never thought I’d be so glad to hear that god awful tone of yours.”

 “Leo?” he steps a bit closer, tracing his fingers along his brother’s jawline to assure himself that what he was seeing was real and not a cruel figment of his imagination. 

“Yeah buddy,” he says grasping his shoulder firmly. “I’m home.”

“You,” Raph says, aggressively tugging him into a hug and uncharacteristically snuggling into his shoulder. “You fucking asshole! I was worried out of my goddamn mind for a piece of shit like you.”

“Hey dickwad, you don’t have to act so tough all the time. You’re my just _darling_ little brother too, you know,” Leo tells him, giving him as much tender affection as he did to Mikey.

“Fucking Leo, man. I’m the one that pulls stupid shit like that, you got it? You’re supposed to stay here and never do anything bad and stay at home where you’re safe,” Raph says.

“I know; I guess I just got sort of backwards out. But I can assure you, my stick in the ass mother hen self is here to stay. I’m not gonna leave you, Raphael. Not ever again, and I’m never gonna let any of you leave me either,” he says.

“You’re a trip dude, and a pain in the ass at that. But I love ya for it. I never knew how much I needed a son of bitch like you around,” Raph says.

“ _Otoko no Akachan? Anatana no?”_ the voice is raspy and pained, and Leo looks up to see his father in worse shape than he’s ever seen him.

“Father,” Leo says, stepping away from Raph gently and clasping his hands together, clearing using all of his might to keep his cool. “Would you care to join me in the dojo? I believe that we have a lot to talk about.”

Splinter takes a little over a moment to nod in return, waiting for his eldest child to overpass him before turning back around.

Michelangelo hopped in happily again, content to see that Leo had finally followed Splinter after months of neglect. “Donnie’s on his way guys! I knew you could do it Karai!”

She giggles as the giddy boy nuzzles her, but is slightly taken aback when Raphael reaches out for her.

“Hey…thanks a lot, for bringing him home,” he tells her.

“Of course,” she naturally replies.

“You know, that metal jumpsuit probably isn’t too comfy. You might wanna find a wardrobe change, you know? Make yourself at home,” he says, patting her shoulder affectionately before turning back towards his room.

She smiles warmly, and for the first time of her existence she begins to comprehend happiness. “Yeah, maybe I think I will.”

X

Despite the illusions that somehow distort the purity of childhood to the stained and beat array of the process of growing up, there is no such adjustments that contain the power to completely evaporate the forces of childhood from the founding core of the soul. Regardless of the quantity of passing seasons that space memories through time deeper into opacity, of the metamorphosis of not only heart but mind, body and all things alike – there will never be a transformation of spirit. There will always be a smell or a place that will make the world spin back to the way it did when one was still a child, and always a place in a family member’s delicate hold or the comfort of a preserved prized possession that can temporarily make the scars and changes and distortions that you face disappear.

Perhaps that was what Leonardo was feeling when he sat in the dojo, his knees trembling against the carpet and the familiar smell blessing with the most delightful senses of inferiorities, the comfort of each and every crack and leaking drain pipes like a blanket of protection against all of the nightmares in the outside world.

Although Splinter’s childhood had been set in a drastically far setting and had been such a lifetime ago, almost quite literally, that he could hardly find it in him to visit that side of himself, it did not mean that the same feeling did not exist for him. However, although the feeling was as much if not more as valuable, it was painted in completely different colors; a display of how a parent’s love can combine the spirit aura of a child within their own.

For Splinter, watching his boy sit in the center of the room was like watching him in the same place many years ago, when he was a wide eyed precious and innocent child, striving for pride from his father and so very eager to enter the world that would one day destroy him.

“Daddy…” he says, and Splinter could even swear he heard it in the voice of a child, and that there must have been something to cause time to be altered for the boys that ran into his arms could be no older than a child. Yet the scars on his skin and the change in pigment and supermassive black holes in his pupils reminded him that his baby wasn’t a child anymore.

“My son…I have been incomplete without you,” he says, holding the back of his son’s head in hope that he could silence the demons burning from inside and break the space that had ripped them apart.

“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” Leo cries, wishing he could run away from all of it and hide within the shelter of his father’s arms.

“It is okay, my child. No harm will come to you anymore,” Splinter soothes, and he isn’t sure whether the reassurance is aimed towards his child’s fears or his own.

“It was so scary daddy, I thought I was dying. I’m so stupid, such a foolish, selfish son! I do not understand why you would forgive me after the pain I’ve caused you and the pain I’ve caused myself,” he rambles.

“No, akachan, what has happened to you is because I have failed to care for you, but I am so proud of your strength to recover and the beautiful, brave boy you are growing up to be. I am your father and I am supposed to protect you, but in a situation where the spirits of travesty have cast us all into calamity a game of self-blame only serves to strike the match. What matters now is that you are safe and you are here, okay? We are family and the only thing that matters is that we’re all here, together,” he soothes, rocking his son gently as if he was still a youngster shaken by a nightmare. Figuratively speaking, that wasn’t too far from the truth.

“I know, I know. It’s alright now. It’s gonna be alright, and I love you, and I’m never gonna do this to you again. I’m gonna make you proud of me, and I’m gonna grow up and take care of them; of you. I’ll never let anything like this happen to us again,” Leo says.

“I have and always been proud of you, kodomo. I am your father and I am to always take care of you, even after death. And I know that we will never have to worry for the sake of your younger brothers, for you will always look after them and all mistakes only occur to craft something better,” Splinter tells him.

For the grasp of the ruins of unfortunate situations, sometimes the only remedy is placid state of affectionate with another who loves you, a parental love which forces challenge the rules of reality in itself. So the two stayed together, erasing the past down as deep to father and child, serenity and silence.

X

Most particularly in the most recent of events, an urgent phone call from Michelangelo was a symbol that he needed to come home as quick as possible. Donatello was adjusted so much to the hectic rush that ran his life that he was pretty considerably trained to it all, and it actually became stressful when things weren’t out of tune to fit such a naturally strung out nature. However, once it came to the point that questioned life and death and everything that he’s ever known, things are bound to get just the slightest bit out of hand.

His movements were swift as he guided himself through the sewer holes, wondering how many times he has zipped through the very patch in urgency specifically during the last year. Casey, as expected, being the only non-ninja from the group and all, was quite more slow and clumsy in the chase around the town, but seemed just the slightest lighter in nature ever since the incident.

“You wanna speed it up, Jones? The last time our tails weren’t on the dot, we come back and April’s in a coma. I don’t know about you but I don’t think we can fit anyone else in the infirmary right now,” Donnie says, bouncing off of the sewer walls.

“C’mon Don, don’t play me like that! You know my strength comes in the punch and not in the zip – besides, you didn’t even let me bring my skates!” Casey replies.

“Maybe that is because we really can’t afford another twenty minutes trying to get you back out of the wrong sewer hole once you fall trying to do a trick,” Donnie says, approaching the front of his home.

“Eh, I personally think it’s really worth the awesomeness it brings. But I guess you have a point, about comatose friends and all,” Casey smirks, following Donnie into the living room.

“Mike?” Donnie calls out, scanning the place and seeing only Raph. “Where’s Mikey? He told me I needed to get my ass here pronto, and it sounded pretty damn urgent.”

“He’s out with Karai, getting some new clothes or something. Don’t ask me how. But anyways, there is something you really should see Don. Hey Case, why don’t you come kick it with me while Donnie goes to the dojo?” Raph says, smiling and reaching a controller out to Casey.

“Sure man, but you don’t think you’re gonna get away with leaving me out, do ya?” Casey asks, slopping onto the couch.

“Just shut up and prepare to get your digital ass beat, scumbag,” Raph teases.

Donnie nods and smiles, a smile in the ‘this is fine’ kind of sense, heading over to the dojo with warm sweat sticking to his skin. At this point, a Donatello that didn’t look like a painful product of insomnia and the overconsumption of caffeine was actually something to worry about.

That was the real question once he had walked into the dojo, seeing a familiar band of blue that just may possibly be half of the lost hours of sleep he had hanging under his eyes, and instead of looking like a zombie he looked even so alert.

“Le-Leo?” he asks, quirking his head to the side, an expression that the others always found settling in a way of proving that some things, even Donnie didn’t understand.

Leo snapped out of his zone and opened his eyes, a timidly warm smile creeping on his face to see his sibling. “Father, I think I’m going to go talk to Donnie for a while, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, my child. I will remain here to meditate,” Splinter smiles, patting his son’s shoulder again while Leo gives him a bow of respect.

“C’mon, little brother,” Leo says, throwing his arm around Donnie’s shoulders and leaving the large room. “It’s been long enough; don’t you think?”

Donnie does not speak until he hears his bedroom door close, facing the wall with a slightly clenched fist. “So for months on end you decide to abandon us and haven’t talked to me since a falling out, and one day you just decide to forget all that ever happened?”

“Donnie…I know you’re upset, and you have every right to be. But you must have heard the story by now, haven’t you? Truth be told, we were both fucked up, all of us really, and it’s just a mess that no one can exactly pinpoint on besides the shit life gives us,” Leo says.

Donnie is able to turn around this time, sighing heavily. “I build the joy of life off knowledge and understand, being able to figure out the most challenging equations of life. I understand the core and much further of about every field of science there is, and I could probably hold the world on my finger tip if I really wanted to, or had the opportunity for that matter. Yet, despite all of this, I am struggling to even minorly comprehend what the reason was for your undoing. I’m more an introvert than anything, but even I was under the intention that I knew Leonardo Hamato like the back of my hand, and even I would never have predicted this one.”

Leo grabbed him by the wrists, shuddering at the traumatic memories of his little brother’s missing pieces, waiting for him to look back at him just for the reassurance that he wasn’t broken. “Donnie, you and the others are everything to me; the very reason that my heart beats. The minute that you tried to take your life, the moment that I recognized the image of being dead inside every time I looked into such intelligent eyes, the moment you looked into my eyes and said it and the sting of your voice really told me you meant it, I haven’t been myself anymore. It was like everything in me just started to go whack, and it caused me to do some drastic things that only made things much deeper and I just kind of snapped. It’s something I really had to except – the fact that I’m not perfect, that I’m just as stupid and human as everyone else. I made a mistake, and believe me _god_ I paid for it. The only thing keeping us from mending this hurricane is not realizing that we have one thing all in common, something that has been proven to both create and destroy – love. You love me, don’t you Donnie?”

Donnie bites his lip like he had felt a sting of pain. “Of course I love you, you stupid fool! That’s why it hurt so bad when you left – not entirely because I didn’t think you loved me, or because I actually really needed my big brother to get through all of this, but because I love you and I was scared. When Karai came over and told us what was happening, I never did sleep again because I didn’t know how it could even be remotely possible to survive without you. It kinda makes me wanna beat the shit out of you, but I can’t even find it in my heart to do that because I goddamn love you and seeing you here is like an answer to my prayers that will never be heard – fuck!”

Leo quickly hugged his younger brother, stroking his back. “Don, I know that you’ve been scared lately, and you’ve been so brave to make so much improvement. I may not have been here to see them, but I can see it in your eyes, and that really does make me feel so happy to have survived. I know Raph has been off his knockers too, but isn’t that the norm for him? And between having Dad snap and trying to look after Mikey and what happened to April and trying to take care of yourself too, I know it must have been the hardest that it could be. I know you needed someone too, and you actually missed so much sleep because you were just trying to figure out how you're going to do this and why you had to grow up so fast. I know how that feels, almost, for what I went through at the farm house, but it was not nearly what you went through. You’re not alone Donnie, and you’re never gonna be alone again. You can cry to me, if you want. You’re still so young, still just 16 and you do deserve moments where you can be a child. Everyone does, really. You were so brave and I have always been breathtakingly proud of you, but this is on a whole different level. But you don’t have to do it anymore – I’m here to take care of you.”

Donnie is silent for a moment, his lip quivering in somewhere between vulnerability and fighting to keep his guard up, until he looks into the sense of older sibling love and affection that finally allows him to set himself back. It started with one shudder, the watering of his eyes and loosening of the inner grip on his muscles, and all of the sudden he was crying. Leo hugged him, rocked him and made him finally feel safe again, and suddenly he was sobbing.

“I needed you, Leo,” he says, subconsciously nuzzling closer into his brother, “I _still_ need you.”

“I know otouto, and I need you too. You’re alright now; and so am I. Things always work out alright, don’t they? If you try enough times and learn to use the right parts, you can really fix anything,” he says.

Donnie laughs a bit ironically, removing his face from his brother’s shoulder and wiping his tears. “Yeah, I guess you can.”

“So you’ve been feeling better lately, haven’t you? Well, as better as you can be when being in the middle of all of this mess, but compared to the original circumstances,” Leo asks, fidgeting with the tattered tails of his brother’s mask.

“Actually Leo, I’ve been feeling exceptional. Things are just starting to make sense; you know? April’s going to hold up her side of the deal, I know she is; so I had to hold up mine. I’m going to finish my list tomorrow – because even with her in slumber, I’ve began to appreciate the taste of life and I’m so glad that you’re here to share it with me,” Donnie smiles, purity in his nerdy gapped grin that makes Leo feel warm inside.

“Of course I am – we all share it together, do we not? That’s what family truly means. And about April – she’s going to pull through, I know it. She’s even more stubborn than me, probably, and something like this isn’t gonna win,” Leo tells him.

“I know,” Donnie chuckles, “I know. Nothing is going to beat April – and she’s never going to lie to me.”

“GUYS! I’M HOME!” the voice comes booming from the living room, a fond smile on both brothers at the innocent loudness of their baby brother.

“We should probably get out there, shouldn’t we? Wouldn’t wanna miss out on all the fun,” Leo says, playfully slugging his brother out into the hallway.

“She’s just a doll, isn’t she? I mean, who would have thought a girl so sharp could look so soft and cuddly? I think it’s really the Hollister that’s doing the trick – and that’s a story for another day my friends- “Mikey’s dialogue seizes once Donnie and Leo come into the room, the deep shade of scarlet on Karai’s cheeks darkening.

Leo takes a minute to admire the girl, who somehow looked so much more small and delicate with her metal jumpsuit and with Mikey by her side. She had a black shirt that was cropped yet still baggy, the soft material contrasting her usual hard nature, as well as simple denim jeans.

“You look beautiful, Karai,” he tells her stroking her cheek reassuringly.

“Thanks,” she smiles, and for once he can say that she truly looked at peace.

“Okay, gonna pretend all that mushy squishy stuff didn’t happen, I think we’re off to a really good start of the day, family!” Mikey gushes grabbing all three of his brothers as well as Karai and Casey in an armlock, nuzzling his head between them.

“Hey Leo, how about you and Don and I do some training? Not to discriminate but Mikey isn’t exactly in shape,” Raph teases, causing Mikey to stick his tongue back at them.

“As much as I’d love to be reminded of how much of a brainless brute you are, I think I’ll have to pass. I was thinking of taking a walk, to spend a little me time,” Donnie says.

“As long as you swear to me that you don’t have plans to jump off a bridge, but I’m going to take a lucky guess that it’s not the case. But hey Raph, I’m down if you’re down – it’s been a while since I beat your ass for free,” Leo smirks.

“You’re really in for it, Fearless!” Raph says, chasing his older brother into the dojo where Splinter’s groan can be heard.

“Fine, be like that guys! Me and my best buddies Karai and Casey will just have to have our own super mega fun by ourselves! Isn’t that right, pals?” Mikey asks, linking his arms around their shoulders, “You can see my comic book collection and all my action figures!”

“Sick tricks kid, you know it’s my wildest dream,” Casey says, and Karai giggles in a sense of trying to comprehend the most delightful happiness of having friends.

“Don’t get yourselves killed now,” Donnie starts to say as he begins to leave the lair, making sure his phone and earbuds are in his pocket.

“Learn to take your own advice, D!” Casey calls out, and Donnie can only shake his head. That kid sure was a trip.

The sky was still bright blue, and going outside was at the time was known to be an obvious prohibition. It caught him as a surprise that no one said anything about him doing it today, but perhaps spirits were too scattered to enforce any rules. Despite circumstance, he still did was not up for the trouble of being exposed or abducted, so he was still going to taint his mood with precaution. When on junkyard trips that ended shorter than Splinter would expect, he had the tendency to do a bit of exploring, seeing what parts of the world he was capable of seeing in his form. Ever since he had discovered the old meadow shadowed by abandoned buildings, it had been a place that he would go only for three reasons; to get his mind off things, to get his minds on things or maybe something in between.

It was a breath of fresh air, quite literally, to feel the sun warming his pale skin, the slight breeze fluttering his bandana tail. Being a person who was passionate about all sciences, biology and environmental included, there was nothing like being alone with just himself and the art that was nature. It was probably a common feeling among people of the world, the joy of listening to old Twenty One Pilots while walking under the blanket of the sun and diving into your own thoughts. Okay, maybe it wasn’t particularly _common,_ considering there was 7 billion people on this Earth (probably more; no one knew they existed, did they?) but he did think it was pretty damn great.

The chill from each shard of grass was comforting on his skin, and he couldn’t help but close his eyes and smile. Thinking about things can be quite an ironic joy, can’t it? It’s like the very things that make you want to scream and rip the veins out of your arms can make you wanna jump into a shower of rain and jump for joy, because where is the difference is creation and destruction’s purposes, really?

 _Things are gonna be okay,_ he would tell himself, repeating it over and over until he was saying it out loud, hoping that if he could say it loud enough than he would understand. His family was going to be okay; his brothers and his father would find a way to make ends meet just like they always had, and Casey and Karai would be there too. His family loved him, oh god they loved him! He finally understood, and these kind of understandings can make you question reality in itself.

Everything was so bright, bright enough to make his heart swell almost to the point of being uncomfortable, all of the color blinding his eyes that had only known what it was like to see grey. He was happy, god he was fucking _happy_ , and the very thought made him laugh hysterically, like this is all some giant sick joke and at the end there was nothing but _happy._

He could run in circles if he wanted to, just for the pure amusement of it and for the fact that he could, the rush reminding him that this was his body and he was alive. He imagined her running in front of him, a little yellow sundress that matched the sunflowers and sunset that must exist only for her, the light highlighting each of her freckles and the gleam in her eye, her red hair flowing with the wind and her laugh as she spun with him. He imagined her in front of strawberry fields with her face stuffed in a flower, and turning around to hold his hand and guide him into the meadows. God, what was living without the force that caused the sun to shine?

“APRIL! APRIL, I’M HAPPY! YOU GOTTA WAKE UP, C’MON!” he yelled, turning to run back in the direction of his home where his sleeping beauty lay. He ran as fast he could but everything still felt so slow, all of his thoughts alluding into the reoccurring memory of her laughter, how her soft voice could put her to sleep. How she must have been the child of Spring and Summer, and how she must have balanced all of the hemispheres on Earth every time she smiled.

April. April. _April._ He had to get to her, he had to race to her and hold her, because he knew she could hear him. She would know, she would understand!

He was a gust of lightning once he got in the house, oblivious to the distant innocent laughter of his family. He went straight through his lab, a room he had grown up in that was now nothing but memories of her presence, and zoomed into the infirmary.

“April,” he lets out a sigh of relief, leaning beside her and cupping her cheek delicately in his oversized hand. Her breaths were small but very much there, and her injuries didn’t look nearly as bad as they did before. “Anatomically speaking, you should be waking up any time now. Your vitals are stable, and your screenings are nearly normal. I know that the real reason you haven’t woken up yet is because I haven’t kept up with my side of the deal.”

“That’s gonna change soon, you know that? I did a lot lately, and even if you may not agree with particularly how I got there, I got there. You’d be real proud of me and my progress, I think. Leo’s home now, and Karai and Casey have been pretty much sticking around too. Everything just may be starting to get okay again, you know? I’ve done everything you’ve wanted to, I’m happy April! I’m happy and it’s the most insane thing is the world; it almost makes me thing that I’m crazy! I’m going out of my goddamn mind for you, for the world and everything that spins or grows because all of it can never move you from the front of my mind and I’m losing it! You’re coming back, right? The deal still stands? No Donnie, quit running your mouth! April never breaks promises, you idiotic fuck! Stop, stop, STOP!” he was laughing, in hysterics really, to the point of tears and sore ribs and leaning over her, to the point where he didn’t realize which parts were laughing or crying anymore.

“C’mon April,” he wheezed, after a while, leaning his cheek to see hers, clasping her hand gently. “Tomorrow, I’m going to finish the list. And the next day, you’re going to wake up.”

X

It had been an hour since Mikey had begun his in depth presentation of basically every possession he owned, all the way from all 198 issues of Planet Skullrex and the Crognard action figure collection. Karai and Casey couldn’t lie that it was interesting in itself, the enthusiasm in the kid’s voice probably being the main reason. He appeared to be so far deep into his interests that he was completely cut off from the outside world, but anyone who truly knew Michelangelo Hamato knew that he was quite more in tune with _everything_ around him than he appeared to be.

His gaze was distant towards his friend for quite a few moments, his pupils dilating in an attempt at understanding. “Casey? You okay dude?”

Casey takes a moment to reply, so Karai shoves his shoulder to snap him out of it. The motion only leads him to gaze upward toward Mikey, a little too slowly at first.

“Who, me? Yeah, I’m all good. Just got a little lost in thought is all,” he says.

“Happens to the best of us; I just happen to recognize thought when I see it. I guess it’s one of the perks to me, or something,” Mikey says.

Karai, having a low amount of social skills in the dawn of her emotional vulnerability, appeared awkward enough as it is, but her eyes stilled and tensed when Casey spoke. “I just happen to overthink sometimes on what it means to die.”

“Die?” Mikey asked, coming to sit on the bed. “Casey, you aren’t thinking- “

“No Mikey, I don’t plan on offing myself of anything,” Casey giggles.

“Just had to make sure, don’t wanna make the same mistake twice,” Mikey holds his hand behind his head, “What’s going on?”

“It’s just…do you ever get the feeling of valuing life, or is that just me going crazy? Like, you feel like you never know when you’re gonna be done here but suddenly everything’s flashing before you and you try to understand why you’re here and what you’ve done?” he continues.

Karai visibly tenses to the point of Mikey laying his hand on her knee in comfort.

“Yeah…I do think of that sometimes,” Mikey says.

“Suddenly you’re trying to do what you can because you don’t know when it’s all gonna fall apart, and you start to think it’s soon. And you think about what’s gonna happen after even though you never really have, and all the sudden it’s like you’re getting ready to leave it all. But I’m still young and this is all a bunch of nonsense, and it’s probably the teen angst hitting anyways,” Casey says.

Mikey quickly hugged Casey, not moving his arm from Karai who was still anxiously pushing back into the corner. “I know how you feel, because I think about death and all that stuff a lot more than you think. But you know Case, you’re a member of our family and I love you, and I’m totally not gonna let you kill off yet, but what you’ve done for us is amazing. Especially what you’ve done for Donnie – you can’t exactly get yourself that deep in and then just leave. That’s not how it works around here.”

“Yeah, I know kid. And don’t be thinking of shit like that either, you’re too good for it,” he starts to say, pausing at the sound from the other side of the wall. “Speaking of Donnie, something’s telling me he’s freaking out about April again and I should probably go check it out. But I love you too squirt.”

Before he leaves, he turns to Karai, putting both hands on her shoulders. “Karai, I know we don’t talk and all, but I know how hard things are for you, and I think all the progress you’ve made is pretty neat. I know things are still hard for you, and you’re probably fucked out of your mind right now, but I feel you. And you know, something tells me you know what I’m talking about too.”

She hangs her mouth open slightly like she is trying to reply, but suddenly loses the ability, and he seems to understand that too.  He pats her shoulder before letting go and leaving the room.

Mikey hums quietly while putting his action figures away, but continues to watch Karai with the side of his eye. He had never seen her in such a melancholy state and he was trying to wrap his finger around what was happening, or if Casey’s words had anything to do with it.

“Hey Karai,” he says softly, sitting beside her once again. “I don’t know which thing it is that is making you so anxious, but I do want you to know that you matter so much to us and you don’t have to be afraid anymore. I would do anything for you because you’re like the older sister that I never had, and I know you and April will be so close once she wakes up. Our little band of misfits isn’t complete without you, and none of your insecurities can change that.”

She hugs him instantly, and she is not crying but is very obviously shaken. “Mikey…you’re like the best friend I ever had.”

“Aww,” he says, hugging her tighter. “You know, you think there’s not enough good in you, but I think you’re one of the best people in the entire world.”

She smiles, holding him close to her chest and keeping her focus on the parallel wall; her terrifying thoughts still blinding the vision, but mixed with the strong urge of love to the kid as the baby brother she had always wanted.

One that she would always protect, no matter what.


	23. Shadow Ghosts

_To my dearest Strawberry field,_

_I do not know what time approximately you will be capable of reading my words on this paper I saved from the peach notepad you had from freshman year, but I know that it will follow soon enough for you not to assume that the words of my voice have abandoned you. I could have just as easily audibly passed this message, for I know that you can very well hear me, but I thought physically writing it down on paper would remind me that all of it is real. Besides that, a list is exactly what is was you requested, and despite my inability to follow your request to the dot writing it on basic lined paper is the least I can do, after all._

_It was not intentional to fall through with the thing incorrectly; no matter what thoughts can lead you to assume so. I swear to God, even through all of the messes I’ve got us caught up in, that I did not neglect the deal you and I agreed to. In fact, there wasn’t a second of any day that it wasn’t occupying my mind – the endless possibilities of how I can fulfill my end of the bargain. It started out well at first, you and I running around with more and more things to add as if we were the characters of some overrated John Green novel, when I soaked myself into somber disease that doesn’t even matter anymore. It was all like a utopia then, wasn’t it? Something I took so far for granted, and the very fact of that will bite at the inner twirls of my soul for the rest of my existence. Disregarding that thought, I have understood my lesson in the most ironic and downright twisted of methods – but that seems to be our specialty, does it not? Either way, seeing that pale and lifeless touch on your cheek that contained just enough life for me to still feel you and the light that started to creep back from the darkest pit in existence and the rocky strands of hope that came with continuing are the very force that made me want to be alive again._

_You asked me for a complete list equipped with 100 reasons to live, and it began with superficial cheesy things that only bring some out of touch rushes of comfort, foolish teenagers unaware of the real monsters of the night that can suck you in. Sure, I am not going to deny the pleasure of those things and I am not going to pretend they didn’t make existence more desirable, but I came to an understanding that was liberating enough in itself. The understanding that life is made up of element which such a bigger force, a force that makes every living thing crucial to existence beyond the necessities of biology and everything I’ve drowned myself so deep in all of these years. Ironic, isn’t it? You’d think a genius would spend enough time thinking to understand that there’s something much deeper._

_April O’Neil, you presented me with the deal that if you could show me 100 reasons to live and change my mind, I would not succumb to my dark habits. Due to your state of poor health in simplified terms, you were unable to physically walk me through it but those very events made me grow up enough to walk through it myself, for the most part. I say for the most part because even though you have not moved in months, you very much started it all. I am not going to do this the same way that we started, for the reason that things are so much more simple and simultaneously different than we thought them to be before. Rather than a list of 100 simple things, I’m going to write a letter about to real reasons to live, the reasons I continue to stand here today and with my heart much higher than it ever was before._

_If I wanted to, I could go on an endless essay on the variety of reasons to live, for the answer to such a question seems so much larger than what can be revealed in one single letter. Yet, such an endless oblivion of philosophy can be simplified into three key ideas; and being that both you and I are more science people I’m pretty sure we’d both rather appreciate the simplified version._

_The beginning of reasons to live falls under the category of adventure, love, and purpose. Together, the three are what keep us as souls that strive to continue, remain the strike of the flare that keeps us ignited. Without it comes psychopathic insanity or emptiness in itself, and a few events in the past few months have come to my firsthand experience._

_The first is adventure – a transparent art only felt if you’re really searching to grasp it. I felt it many times in my life before I developed the sense to appreciate it, but there’s something about walking with the grass seeping through your toes and your favorite songs blasting in your ears. Or maybe it’s the feeling of the wind brushes your face when the window is open during a car ride, and what it’s like to look out at the art that is nature and then at the smile of your best friend. It’s like suddenly the color starts edging back into the world around you and you feel some kind of superb joy from tapping your foot and nodding your head, and even with all of the things you wish you had and you wish you were able to do, there’s adventure in every inch of the earth that make the existence on this plane what it is. Adventure is thrill, the spice that enhances our spirits into burning along the nature we exist in; as adventure leads to the craving of purpose and purpose is the unique subscript of every living thing._

_Discrediting the biological set of things, our purpose is fueled somewhere in between the lust for adventure and the passion for love. The lack of conscious purpose is the seed of depression in itself, and I have never felt purpose until I embraced the aspects of love and adventure. There came a moment when I looked at everything I had even for someone who has little, and everyone around me and how they are all puzzles to why I exist, and what I exist for. This lead to reason – and reason is when you do something for a friend to save their life and not really realize until you sit back to think about it, or to be the one who now contains the capability to sew back the torn remains of the unraveling._

_And reason, most typically, is fueled by love – love which can be experienced and interpreted in a variety of ways. Love that is feeling your baby brother cuddling you once you awaken from a nightmare, love that is holding your best friend the first time you see him cry, love that is not being able to fall asleep until I had made sure your breaths were at a safe rate in your deep slumber. Love is the heart of reason and reason is the stem of adventure, and as the three intertwine to assure your purpose is served, you understand the purpose of being alive._

_In conclusion, I could have continued to write hobbies that pleasured me in a notepad and have considered the small things the core of our existence, but I’m starting to develop the habit of not following directions and I thought that my answer here was more surreal in meaningful generalizations._

_I hope that you can awaken soon enough to read this letter before the ink smears, because I haven’t forgotten how you get uncomfortable with illegible content. However, you are one of the most honest people that I have ever encountered, and if you don’t back out on our second deal I can assume that I will be seeing you soon._

_I would go on another paragraph about how much I thank you for saving my life, but that would be a bit off topic. Would not want to consider myself unorganized._

_Love, Donatello_

It had been minutes since he had arrived back into the infirmary, and it was evident that the slightly crumpled paper in his hand had been fumbled with as its young age was revealed with the freshly smeared ink. He could almost be considered something such as nervous, as his forehead glowed with sweat and his teeth chattered in the slightest, but the serenity in his cocoa brown eyes showed that it was the most placid moment of his life. He jumped sharply once the grasp of his older brother’s hand approached his shoulder, but simultaneously the motion ignited the confidence to finally move forward. He lifted her frail arm as fragile as he possibly could, his eyes softening as he brushes her bangs away from her eyes, gently resting the folded paper in the folds of her fingers.

“I love you, April,” he tells her once he set her arms down, tenderly kissing her forehead before turning back around where the rest of his family stood waiting for him; all six of them.

“Are you ready, little brother?” Raph asks him, a rare comforting friendliness in his eyes.

“Sure as hell I am,” Donnie smiles, walking with his family over to where the sewer water created a pool, the box already packed and set.

He peaked inside his own box again, shuddering at the toxic memories tainted onto the rusty and stained old blades, all completely wrapped in his past suicide journals. His brother stood behind him, holding a trash bag of his own, as well his other brother on the side of him.

“I promise to never again inflict harm on myself, or to plan my own death, as I now understood the value of living and my influence in other lives,” he says, turning to the others and then turning back to the pool.

“Fuck you, depression. You aren’t ever gonna get me, not ever again,” he says quietly, more to himself than anybody else, releasing the box and watching it splash into the current, soon being taken away by the stream’s flow.

His family gave him a small bow of respect, rotating so that Raphael could stand in front of the pool next. He looked a bit awkward and a bit nervous, as getting deep wasn’t exactly in his comfort zone, but he knew that this was his family and his sanctuary and he deserved to be safe here.

“I promise to never get drunk, at least not until the addiction has been contained, and to always come to one of you when my spirit is lost rather than turning to intoxicants,” Raph says, swinging the bag over his shoulder and into the water, watching the remainder of his bottles pour into the fluids and wash away. It happened to be liberating for Casey as well, as all of the material was originally the belongings of his father, and now no trace of that era would continue to exist.

Leo was next, Karai lightly holding onto the fingertips of his right hand, taking a deep breath.

“I promise to never touch another drug again, and to never forget that my place is with my family, in times of heaven and times of hell. And I promise to never let anything get above my positon as a leader ever again,” he says, slamming the remainder of drugs that were in his possession into the water as well. Karai glanced at him a bit hesitantly, and he urged her to join his side.

She pulled out the remainder of weed in her bag, preparing to give up all of her negative street or otherwise connections. “And I…” she hesitates, gaining strength from the little smile on the kid’s face, “I promise to remember that I have a family.”

“I am proud of you all, my children,” Splinter says, resting a hand on Donnie and another on Leo. “You have all made me immensely proud…and I am certain that our love and bond as a family will keep us united throughout any other hardship that will attempt to cast itself upon us. Even despite temptation, corruption, and the nature suffering that exists naturally – there is no weapon that strikes deeper than the love of a family.”

"Itsumo Issho," Leo says, the others mirroring him with a small bow.

“Sumo eso?” Casey attempts.

“Alright, I don’t know about you guys but I’ve had enough of this cheesy 90s anime bullshit. Since we are being so creepy about leaving the emo stuff being, why don’t we celebrate by being a little less emo?” Raph says, a smirk on his face as he launches a pillow at Casey’s face.

“God, I thought this moment would never come,” Casey says, rolling over to the couch and building a defense.

Within seconds, the previously somber environment had converted to laughter and a sloppy mess of hyperactive teenagers, and a look of contentment in Splinter’s face that was something they hadn’t seen in ages.

“It’s been a while since a party, hasn’t it?” Donnie says, rolling over to get out his old radio. “Hey Mike, why don’t you get to rolling up pizza gyoza like Marakami taught you?”

“Um, yeah!” he responds, tilting his head slowly but remaining his focus on the running water. “Just give me a moment.”

“Hey gap tooth, you think your lanky ass is gonna get out of is gonna get out of this alive?” Casey challenges, creeping from his newly built fort to launch a piece of furniture of his own.

“And did you think you were going to leave me out too, you little pricks?” Leo jokes pouncing on all three and wrapping them in a headlock, the four wrestling and fighting over who would get the next pillow shot.

With the sound of the rambunctious boys just being boys in one ear and Michelangelo’s humming while he cooked on the other, Splinter could even think that everything was the same as before; and that April must be just studying her science in the dojo or Donnie’s lab. And for a while, sitting at the kitchen table, he closed his eyes and pretended it was.

“C’mon, you totally lost dude! You can’t use the fact that you’re a string bean to pretend you’re tough!” Casey shoves Donnie playfully.

“Or maybe you are just a sore loser Jones, who refuses to acknowledge basic physical advantages,” Donnie chuckles, playfully yanking Leo’s mask tails with a spare pair of chopsticks.

“C’mon, this is some weak shit. How long since we last had a battle with pieces of furniture? Sixth grade?” Raph laughs.

“We didn’t even have grades, dumbass,” Donnie laughs, “And to be clear, we probably have had a furniture fight within the last week. Not sure about the intentions that brought it on, however.”

“I just want some good sparring time again; you know? Some real training with the boys sounds pretty good to me,” Raph smiles.

“Of course, bonehead, and I’d be perfectly thrilled to aimlessly pound your shit around but there’s way too much I gotta catch up on first. I know it isn’t your fault you’ve gotten all squaded up while I’ve been out but I sure as hell ain’t missing out on the bromance now. What’s been going on, guys? Got any hot chick stories to share?” Leo asks, flipping over to lean his hand on his brother’s chest.

“Maybe it wasn’t the same case for you, horndog, but we’ve been a little preoccupied to be worrying about girls,” Donnie says.

“Oh c’mon, like your response would be the same if April was around,” Casey responds.

“Limits, man, limits!” Donnie replies.

“I mean; I am a taken man but I always do love a good story with the guys. So you guys really did do nothing other than lay around here thinking of suicide?”  Leo teases.

“Well you can’t exactly say that – we may have done a few things the Fearless I know would not have approve of,” Raph sighs.

“Little bro, I spent the past few months terrorizing property and supporting the drug chain, I don’t think I am in any place to judge,” Leo laughs.

“We killed my Dad and blasted my house into flames a few weeks after Raph killed a Purple Dragon,” Casey says bluntly.

“Oh,” Leo says, “Well, sounds like I missed out on all the fun.”

“You did drugs and destruction without us and you dare to talk shit,” Donnie teases.

“Hey! The drugs aren’t cool, bro. Drug dealers are dorks, don’t even talk to them,” Leo says.

“You know, I’m real glad you didn’t OD on lines Leo, or that Donnie didn’t tie the noose and I killed my father and Raph stopped being a drunk psycho. Now we could finally just be boys, and now that we’re ready to grow up it’s got to turn out pretty lit. Just because we didn’t get to grow up the same as everyone else doesn’t mean we get to miss out on the whole fraternity lifestyle,” Casey says, punching Leo playfully in the shoulder.

“I don’t know, I think these two might be just a little too nerdy for that kind of ride,” Raph smirks.

“Oh please, Mr. has no taste in comics, at least develop some values before passing any time of judgement,” Donnie teases.

“Best bros?” Leo asks, feeling so ecstatic just to be one of them again.

“Best bros,” they all say.

Meanwhile, Karai had been laying on the carpet on the other side of the room, keeping her glance dazedly focused on the high elevated ceiling above her. It was one of those moments in time where she wasn’t even sure what was reality and what was illusion, and everything seemed like it was too blurry to understand. Those moments were the kind that made you wonder if you were even alive, and how to question the grand scheme of things or how everything really existed as, and she was a bit bewildered that she would experience that daze now of all times. The boys looked so blissfully content sprawled about each other on the parallel side, as if they didn’t have a care at all, Karai was too much wrapped in the feeling of wondering if the world existed at all.

She couldn’t help but wonder where Mikey was – as the smell of pizza gyoza had faded long ago and she clearly did not hear him with the other boys. She pulled herself up, a bit dizzy from the refocus of the colors around her, seeing that Mikey was not too far from them. He was kneeling before the fountain pond, still and much awfully too quiet for such a sanguine boy.

She stood up and walked to sit down beside him, lightly rubbing the cup of his shoulder to get him alert again. “You feeling alright kid? You seem pretty lost in space.”

“Who, me? Oh, um, yeah! I’m just feeling a bit weird and doing some thinking is all,” he responds, a nervous grin pushing hard on the grips of his teeth.

“Thinking? Doesn’t seem like the Michelangelo I know to abandon some fun and socializing for some creeptastic form of meditation,” she teases.

He giggles a little, the kind somewhere in between artificial and anxiousness. “It’s not that I’m trying to be a party pooper, I just don’t have the best memories with this waterway and it kind of got to me, and one bad memory starts a whole lot of different thinking, you know? I don’t wanna talk about what happened, but it got me pretty shook up.”

“I totally get it – that’s the reason I try not to be around my old place at all. Wanna go into the sewers, get some fresh air?” she offers, extending her hand.

Mikey winces a bit, recalling what had happened when he had gone into the sewers with April that time. However, he hadn’t made another stupid decision lately so he shouldn’t have anything to fear. “Yeah, that’d be cool.”

They were quiet and first, sitting beside each other against the stone cold wall and it almost seemed like one of those grunge movie moments where they would each have a cigarette in hand. However, Mikey hated the smell of intoxications and Karai had thrown all of hers into the water.

“You ever feel like that feeling where your stomach must be rotating over and over, because you think things are not quite in orbit? Like, everyone’s laughing and are all pretty happy but it sounds super distorted because there’s just something really off? And you think you’re going crazy because it isn’t right to feel like this when you’re supposed to be feeling good and then you think you’re even more crazy for telling someone all this?” He asks, turning to her with wide, terrified eyes.

“Totally kid, I get that feeling most times, actually. I grew up thinking something was super wrong with me because I always felt darkness and ghostly feelings when everyone else was happy, but in the end I had always ended up being right. I was actually feeling pretty whack today too, like everything is pretty out of touch. Yet none of it makes sense – I have no idea what’s up. Could it be April?” Karai quirks her head.

“I don’t know, April seems pretty fine and something would be irregular if something were to be wrong, right? I have this kind of seventh sense about things, and the sense is majorly kicking in right now, like something is about to happen. It would be too fucked up for things to happen right now, wouldn’t it?” Mikey wonders.

“I don’t know, the world tends to be a pretty fucked up place, and especially when it comes to our world. It really would not surprise me. I guess we’ll just have to be extra vigilant – wait, don’t you mean sixth sense?” Karai smiles.

“No, the sixth sense is loving people, isn’t it? Seventh sense is when super awesome people have the sense to catch the ninja vibes, silly,” Mikey laughs.

“Is that so?” she smiles fondly, playing with his shortened mask tails. “Well, we are going to be safe around here as long as we got the Mikester’s seventh sense, aren’t we?”

“Hello, Michelangelo my dear. Long time no see, no?” the new deeper and more menacing voice made Mikey freeze solid. “I have just come for Donatello’s very last psychology session! I would love to stay and catch up, but we will have plenty of time to do that when we celebrating you last helping visit this afternoon!” The Psychologist beams, his tone to the point of friendliness that it was spine chilling.

“What the fuck,” Karai says, her eyes widened…trying to figure out why the hell this dope creep was here and feeling a sudden urge of overprotectiveness as she pulls Mikey a little closer to her.

“And nice to see you too, Karai. The new look is looking nice on you, by the way. The polyester is very form fitting,” he says, giving them a tiny bow and then proceeding to enter the home.

“Why the fuck do you know that creep and why the hell is he going in the house?!” Karai asks, turning sharply back at Mikey, and he gulped in fear at the fact that he had a lot of explaining to do.

X

The Psychologist welcomed himself into the home, the increasingly familiar smell enhancing the melded lust that struck through his veins. First, he was to go into the dojo and take care of the old rat, as his pathetic comrade must be assured not a threat to the next operation.

He was stealthy enough to avoid the vision of the four other boys, as his presence towards them was not yet necessary.

As expected, the rat was meditating in the center of the dojo, looking like the happy fuck that he was supposed to. A smirk grew across The Psychologist’s face and he tilted down his fedora in the slightest, in attempt to block the burning energy in his hollow eyes.

“Splinter?” he asks, holding both his hands out in front of him, waiting for the man to become alert.

“Psychologist?” Splinter asks, shaking himself back into reality.

“I am so sorry to bother you, Master Splinter! The last thing I would wish to do would be to interrupt your sacred time, but I am aware that we have a critical conversation to fall in order regarding Donatello!” The Psychologist says.

“Donatello? He has immensely improved and I do not believe that he will be requiring professional treatment for much longer; in fact, just this morning- “

“Why, Donatello’s extravagant progress is precisely the reason I have come to converse! After the period of sessions, I have been having with him as well as Donatello’s training process at home and his own personal development, I have come to the conclusion that Donatello no longer requires emergency treatment. In fact, today can be our very last session, just so I can assure that Donatello can be evaluated safe to be dispatched from my psychiatric care,” he smiles.

“Why, that is exquisite news, I have been dreaming of hearing it for quite a while,” Splinter smiles.

“Besides that, I thought I would have some cupcakes with Michelangelo tonight to consider him being such a good helper all of this time – as well a child that I could mentor like my own after my own son was taken from me. Samuel, he was so much alike to him – so innocent and fun-loving, optimistic and hopeful. Michelangelo is a precious soul and I will never forget the connection I made with him, and I hope that I can tell him that at dinner tonight,” The Psychologist smiles.

“Why, I am to great attitude that you look to my child with such admiration. Surely, he will serve a bit more with you tonight in exchange for Donatello’s final session and the total of generosity you have shown him, but his siblings- “

“I greatly apologize for not sending out a full invite, considering how much of a delight each of your boys are. However, my living space is very limited and crowded and unsuitable for more than one guts – and the guest has been chosen regarding who I have formed a connection with after the many times he has helped fulfill my needs. You understand, do you not?” The Psychologist’s eyes droop down.

“Yes, it is understandable. I feel the need to thank you for all that you have done, and for being like a friend…” Splinter begins.

The Psychologist comes closer and rests his bony fingers on Splinter’s shoulder. “Splinter, my dear, precious friend; allowing me the pleasure of getting to know your wonderful children and having such a great child such as Michelangelo to be at my services is enough to help me for an eternity. Let’s have a small cup of jasmine, shall we? I will prepare it myself,” he says, walking back away, and for the first time since he has known him he finally feels a red flag.

“Right, your interest to my sons has been quite interesting, yet quite helpful, any idea of what brought about it?” he asks searching for clues.

“Well, it is a challenge to be familiar with the Hamatos and not experience immediate intrigument. Not solely on the concept of your unique form, which is an interest enough in itself, but the chemistry of family that makes you all tick. Since the first night I had met Michelangelo more than six months ago, I knew that they were all wonderful beings, much more superb than many teenagers I have come to know. I knew immediately that I had to do what I could to help, and that it was my destiny to help this magnificent little family back onto their feet,” he says, subtly slipping the pill he had in his coat pocket into the glass that contained Splinter’s tea.

“Why, that is very generous – I would never expect that someone, especially someone who is purely human genetically, to think so highly to us and to show such passionate compassion,” Splinter says, The Psychologist returning and handing him the cup of tea, smirking as Splinter began to drink it.

“Yes, I truly do hope that my impact in your lives was as plentiful as you all were to me. Just because my services are no longer required does not mean that I have to be forever disconnected – as those who really touch your soul really do never leave,” The Psychologist says, slamming down the glass slightly as he finishes his drink.

“That philosophy is rather true. You will have affected us, as not receiving help during this time of need may have resulted in a far direr outcome,” Splinter nods, finishing his tea.

“Unfortunately, I do not have a lot of spare time from conversation, as I am in need to be getting to Donatello now.                 However, I appreciate your companionship Splinter, and I wish you the best,” The Psychologist says, standing and giving a slight bow.

“Of course, it does mean a lot to me, it all…Thank you for the tea, Psychologist. And thank you for all else as well,” Splinter says.

“My pleasure, my dear,” The Psychologist says, beginning to walk away, “My deepest pleasure.”

Well, now that was one issue taken care of.

“Donatello?” he called out subtly when he got into the living room, the four teenage boys snapping their attention to him.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Leonardo snapped first.

“Relax Leonardo my friend, you were already aware of my treatment with Donatello, were you not? There is no need to get snappy. Have you not been taught to respect your elders?” The Psychologist replies.

“I don’t need you anymore, creepo. You might as well do yourself a favor and get lost,” Donnie snaps.

“Ah, temper temper! Attitude sure tends to be boiling for someone your age! I am not here to nag you, but I am required to do a final evaluation before we are able to part ways,” The Psychologist says.

“You aren’t required to do shit, prick face,” Raph laughs mockingly, just before Leonardo pushes the man by his collar against the wall.

“When I tell you to get out of here and never step near anyone in my family ever again, I fucking mean it. I don’t want you, your drugs or your creepy aroma in our lives ever again, and there ain’t a reason left to come bothering us anymore,” Leo tells him sternly.

“Now-now, is violence and threats the way to come to an agreement? You’re an accountable young man, Leonardo, and I was under the assumption that you had much better manners. I am not wishing to become a nuisance, but I am wishing to do a final evaluation on your brother who is, after all, recovering from a clinical illness. At least accommodate for your father’s sake – we would not wish for his heart to falter once again, now would we?” The Psychologist charms.

“Let the creep go Leo, it’s okay. I’ll go talk with him or whatever and then he will leave, and no conflict will have to have been instigated. It really isn’t a big deal, I guess,” Donnie says, standing up and dusting off his thighs.

“Are you sure about that, Donnie? We could always follow you if you want, to have your back,” Leo says.

“Nah, it’s alright. I’m a big boy now and I can handle my own middle aged fans. You guys could just kick it in here and I’ll be back up and at it in a bit,” Donnie says.

The three others nod hesitantly, watching as the smirking man followed Donnie to his lab.

“Okay, look, you’ve got me. What are you looking for, old man?” Donnie asks.

“Why, I’m just looking to assure that you’re clear on your decision – the ultimatum to live is a major one, after all,” The Psychologist says.

“You caught me, the rumors are true. I do happen to want to live now, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, and despite the sociopathic advice you have provided I can see the truth in the value of myself and my life now. If you’re going to attempt to emotionally manipulate me, it really isn’t going to go well for you,” Donnie frowns.

“Donatello; have you ever thought about the definition of a death in the family? The way it must happen to everyone, how fascinating the circle of life is in the way that it weeds out the weakest of the group to increase the square area of the bigger equation. Do you ever think of your own family that way? Which could fall as the weakling and which could thrive off of the lost energy?” The Psychologist asks, pacing in wonder.

“No, you sick fuck, I haven’t. If you are going to start bringing my family into this stuff now, you are making a very grave mistake,” Donnie threatens.

“It is not me who has involved them, but you, just in the event that you were born. Family exists as part of each other, such as systems of one larger body, and when one system fails the entire body will shut down. By the rotting of you and your system, you endangered them all on your own, to the way that your infection would spread. You cannot expect that your own journey is solo – and the fact that you all correspond,” The Psychologist hums.

“But I can expect you to leave them out of the equation completely, unless you want to suffer the consequences. Are you not supposed to be ‘evaluating’ me? What the hell is this supposed to be?” He laughs ironically.

“The weakest was surfaced to be you; the first to rot away, the first to return back into the abyss of eternal darkness. Nature and science are inevitable fates written into the code of history itself, and to ignore the nature of it all is a great risk in the grand scheme of things. Your decision to continue living after you have already fallen as the week one is not very sensible, unless you are content with someone else falling to the weak side instead,” The Psychologist smiles.

“No, none of us are weak and none of us need to go kill off and I know just enough about science to know you are nothing but a total psychopathic nut. If you’re only going to tell me something from Charles Manson’s monologue, you can just go out there and find someone to listen who actually cares,” Donnie folds his arms in frustration.

“Donatello,” he says, leaning forward to rest his hands on the teenager’s shoulders, “You are a very intelligent child, one of the brightest to ever exist. Are you not bright enough to understand fate, why things happen the way they do and what results can come out of it? Are you not bright enough to see that you light was already prisoner, and the embellishing return of its power could only possible result by draining the light of another part in the whole? I am not saying that you have to subject, as I am fine with any result of the serving full fate – I am just being clear that you understand.”

“The only thing I understand is that your creepy ass desperately needs to be institutionalized, and I almost feel too much pity to feel hatred towards you. I also want you to understand that if you touch me again, I’m going to kick your ass,” Donnie says, shoving the man’s hands off of his contact.

“Very well, my foolish young friend,” the man begins, “You have made the decision to avoid basic teachings and wait until the ghosts of fate eat away your tale on their own. That is fine with me, I suppose…I only wished to be generous enough to give you a fair warning. Your energy is futile, and this is your final chance – do you make the decision to fall, or to rise?” The Psychologist asks, keeping his twitching brown eye centering to Donnie’s.

“I make the decision to kick you out of my house, before I tell my whole gang and my father to do it with me,” Donnie growls.

“That is fine…the case is settled. Only you are to remember, Donatello, that your decision has sealed the coding of fate itself, and there is no going back. Your words will remain against your will for the remainder of your soul’s existence. It was a pleasure to work with you, darling Donatello, and to investigate the marvelous works of your mind; including the blueprints on how to make it tick and how to tear it apart. I will never forget you; as you will never forget me,” The Psychologist says, walking out of the room.

“Sure as hell won’t, who would be able to forget a psychopath like that?” Donnie mumbled to himself, working through the chills that the man’s presence had served.

As soon as The Psychologist was able to get out of the home, he was met with an aggressive Karai, blocking a very frantic Mikey behind her. “You aren’t taking him anywhere with you, fuck face. I am not exactly keen on letting kid brothers hang out with crack dealers,” she hisses.

“Why Karai, my darling, I do not believe that is your proposition to fulfill! Michelangelo is to come with me whether you like it or not, as I have gotten permission from his father as well as himself. Isn’t that right, Michelangelo?” The Psychologist chirps.

“Y-Yes, that’s cor-correct!” Mikey sweats, trying to jump out of Karai’s wall. “Look, sis, I really should get going now, I promise I’ll be back by-“

“Hell no,” she cuts him off, grabbing Mikey by the wrist and yanking him towards the house. “I know what kind of person this is, Michelangelo. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Karai, you don’t understand,” Mikey pleads, his eyes beginning to water. “I have to go now, and you have to let me go, or something really bad is gonna happen, and- “he stops when he feels the man squeeze his wrist, and he knows immediately he will pay for his slip of words.

“What the hell? Look, if it was alright for you to go than you sure as hell wouldn’t be so worked up right now!” she says hitting her palm to her forehead in frustration.

“N-no, I help him with paperwork every time he sees Donnie, our way of paying for it. If I don’t do it, Donnie doesn’t get help and then he’s going to die! I know he’s doing good right now, but I still have to do it regardless because if I didn’t that would be fraud and going back on my word and I swear it’s totally okay, or else I wouldn’t have been alright after all these times! You trust me, don’t you Karai? You trust me when I say that you have to let me go and that everything is going to be okay?” Mikey says, holding both of her wrists tenderly.

She wasn’t aware why but she suddenly contained the urge to cry, heavy electricity building over her heart. Suddenly, an idea of how to handle the situation came to mind.

“Okay, kiddo, I trust you. I know that you wouldn’t put yourself into a situation that wasn’t safe. You’ve just gotta call me, alright? I’ll walk you home to keep from all the creeps that roam around here at night,” she smiles, trying to look as genuine as possible.

“Thanks, big sis, you’re the best,” he says, hugging her tightly, and in a swarming feeling of fear and protectiveness she held back onto him for dear life, kissing his head before pulling away and getting a cheek kiss in return. She pretends to smile and wave as The Psychologist throws an arm around his shoulders and the pair disappears into the tunnels. As soon as they are slightly out of sight she zips back inside the house, knowing how urgent she was to tell the others and how they were going to get Mikey out.

Meanwhile, The Psychologist held his prey dearly through the night’s path, licking his lips in excitement and desire.

“I hope you enjoyed your special day with your family, Michelangelo,” he tells the trembling boy, “For it is the last time you will ever see them again.


	24. The Adversity (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next two chapters are probably the wildest and darkest in the story guys, so this is my warning to hang tight and stay safe – this one is one hell of a ride (that’s something when it’s me saying it, right?)

The awakening from a great slumber, such as, when one decides to sleep in four hours later than usual, can be a bit hazier than freshly awakening at a scheduled time. It is sort of like when each star that danced in your head reattachs to the farthest parts of the galaxy, and storm of wind gusting you back into your own reality until all of your aspects finally balance out. It’s silly in a way to feel so celestial just after a simple over extended nap, but it still feels pretty similar to dimensional travel nonetheless.

Now imagine the same sensation, but to a degree of being so deep in the alternate universe’s most icy edges that you had forgotten what the colors of the living realm were. After so much time of being locked in her own mind and chasing herself in circles, trying to regain the memory of her physical mortality and what exactly defined planes, existence, and her state of being alive, the thought of returning away from the frozen immurement seemed almost like an inexecutable freedom of void.

Yet, specifically in the span of their existences, infeasible realities had pretty much morphed into normality, and she should have expected that the impossible would eventually come to rescue her.

Despite the basic knowledge that return would finally free her from the subjection of being locked away inside her own cold body, the forces of rushing back into a space of color and action and physical sensitivity first came off as a bit frightening. It was like the feeling of the first wave sweeping you under its depths the first time you go to the beach; a clasp of speeding memories swarming at you in the most surprising of fashions. Suddenly, she reconnected with each of her senses one by one, the return of touch being the snap of reality that sunk into her that this time, things were very much real. Sight was weary at first, but the fact of recognizing colors around her was enough to trigger the emotion of feeling ecstatic. She clasped her hands to her face in an urgency to achieve complete consciousness, the first movement she’s done that actually worked in months. After giving herself a few moments to repeat deep breaths, run her fingers up and down the bedsheets and rotating her neck slowly in circles, her large blue eyes were finally able to reopen, casting her back into the world she longed so much to return to.

There must have been some kind of occurrence between her imprisoned state and now, because she struggled to recap what it was that happened or what was draining her to be so distressed. However, for being someone who had just awoken from a coma, remembering her own name was impressive enough.

And one other name, of course.

Suddenly in fear for her situation and realm of existence she attempted to cry out, but her voice would not exceed the volume of a hoarse mumble. Sighing in frustration she began to grow very anxious, her fingernails latching onto the sheet. Suddenly when she turns her head to the right she catches the helper’s bell, her eyes brightening in the sudden string of home.

It was a bit of a reach to stretch herself slightly off of the bed and to strike the bell, but her motivation for interaction was enough to give her the strength. She collapses back into laying position as soon as she had rung it, clasping onto the blanket in anticipation and picking at the swollen skin surrounding the IV space.

The door was pushed open almost instantly, the being who had burst in staying frozen in time, his figure immediately seizing movement where he stands. She seemed just as frozen as she takes in every detail and constellation that crafted the beauty on his face, suddenly captivating into a new realm of its own. Suddenly, gazing completely into the orbs of honey staring back at her, so many of the memories came swinging back.

Memories of running in the park, their fingers intertwined and the night’s wind against their cheeks. Bundles of coffee and toffee candies and alternate CDs that all perfected his individual aroma. Nights of sleeping bags and stale popcorn and contemporary Netflix films, the beat to his chest and the warmth of his skin. The taste of his lips and the bliss of his touch, the miraculous blessing that was her Donatello. The memories of what it was like to be in love.

“D-Donnie?” she forces out, and for some reason she thinks she is going to break into tears.

He quirks his head to the side a bit, as if trying to understand, seeming captivated by the gravitational rules of what is reality and what is illusion. He stepped forward a bit, ever slow slowly and each movement closer to proximity excelling her heartbeat. Finally, he gets close enough to slowly stroke his finger along her cheek and the chills that come along with it, looking to reassure that this positively was not a figment of his imagination or the tales of his slumbering subconscious. She responds by slowly moving her hand up to caress it, protectively overlapping it into her palm.

“It’s okay, Donnie, I’m here now…” she soothes, closing her eyes slightly and taking her other hand to coddle his cheek.

Her words were the very bullet to snap him out of his phase of shock and check him into reality, immediately crushing his arms over her shoulders and breaking into sobs. As soon as his walls broke down she had to break hers too, holding him tightly to her chest and crying her own weak tears into his shoulder.

“I love you, oh god I fucking love you,” he cried, cradling her as close to himself as possible, nuzzling his chin in her hair.

“I love you too, baby,” she cried, rubbing her cheek against his and then pressing their foreheads together as she looked into his eyes. “I love you too.”

“I knew you’d be back, I knew it! I knew you’d never break your promises! Oh god, you could’ve died! You could’ve died April! What would I have done? The universe does not rotate without its sun!” he exclaims.

“Do not worry, my love,” she says, almost laughing through the events of it all with tears still staining her pale cheeks. “I am here, and I shall always be here. As long as you shine, so will I, and everything is going to be alright.”

Donnie turns slightly towards the doorway, still not releasing her from his arms. “Guys! Guys! Get in here! It’s April!”

“Donnie! Are you sure you’re-“ Leo was the first to arrive, Raph and Casey just on his tracks. He paused in shock when he saw April snuggled into Donnie’s arms, sitting up and very much awake.

“April – is it really you?” he asks, the other two boys standing jaw dropped on both of his sides.

“Nah, I’m just a hologram dork brain,” she teases, and for some reason once she comes into contact with a familiar face they return more clearly to her memory.

The three boys ran in to hug her, Donnie stepping back a bit to allow the close friends to embrace. Feeling their arms and their emotionally warm tears brought a feeling of tranquility to her, yet the line of discomfort still stood.

Something was missing, or someone more so…who was it?

“Leo!” she instantly recognized Karai’s panicked voice, the girl who looked much more serene than she remembered her sliding quickly into the infirmary. “Oh…oh shit,” she says, realizing April’s new state.

“Ka-Karai? I’m so glad to see you here,” April tells her, and her warm little smile just may have made Donnie fall in love all over again.

“Yeah, you too…I’m still a bit awkward at this friendship thing, but I know you’re pretty cool and I’m totally glad you’re not dead. We can be friends, right?” Karai asks timidly, but it was evident that the sweat on her forehead was sprouted by a different cause entirely.

“Of course Karai! I’d love to get to know you and I’m so excited to catch up, but I can’t help but notice that you look a little flustered. Is there something wrong?” April asks, almost ironically considering she had just woken from an extensive coma.

“Leo…I know this is an important moment and all but I-”

“I’m sure it can wait Karai, my sister just woke up and it needs to be the first priority right now. Donnie, will you call Kirby please?’ Leo says.

“Already on it,” Donnie says, holding the phone in his hands.

“Leo I’m serious, we have-”

“Karai, do you really have the audacity to interrupt a family moment?” Leo snaps a little, his relief for the terror of April’s death faltering his actions.

Karai’s cheek shade deepens like she had gotten a suddenly unbearable amount of pain, but she had no time at all to worry about herself and her own feelings. “Leo this isn’t about-”

“Want to make yourself useful? Why don’t you go get to Mikey and get him in here? I’m not going to tolerate someone else not having their priorities straight,” he says, and just before Raph can tell him to stop being a dick or for Karai to continue or for Donnie to go through with the phone call, April’s voice trembles as it traces over Mikey’s name.

“April? You okay?” Donnie asks, holding the phone down and grasping her hand.

“Mikey…” she says again, getting locked into a tense position as she is taken into the minorly liberating sense of remembering clearly what it was that bothered her.

_Mikey. Sad little brother. Shattered leg. The Psychologist. Help with paperwork. Mikey crying. The rape. The sewer chase. The bat._

Her hands clasped tightly onto her head and she cried in pain, shaking with freight as the haunting memories rolled over and over before her eyes, and whether it was real or only an illusion of the past was not so clear.

“April! What is it? What’s hurting?!” Donnie asks, so frantic that he just may break into tears, the other sprawling in panic over the bedspreads.

“MIKEY!” she cries, and in contrast to her previous state of placidity she begins to undergo what could be considered a panic attack.

“Mikey? What about Mikey?” Donnie asks her in the calmest tone that he has, but fails to hide the anxiety in his eyes.

“The Purple Dragons didn’t do this to me…and they didn’t do it to him either,” she cries, her empty voice laced in shock and horror.

“What do you mean?” Raph asks, jumping up aggressively and everyone around him shuddering as well. “What the hell do you mean they didn’t do it?”

“It was The Psychologist,” she rasps, hardly above a whisper, and the room turns into silence.

“Wh-What do you mean, April?” Leo asks her, holding her hand and widening his eyes, the tremble in his eyelids within matching so adequately to the freeze frame of their present state.

“I saw something really horrible, Leo,” she tells him, her voice suddenly stripped of any taste of emotion. “Something unspeakable. You just have to trust me when I tell you that Mikey was not telling the truth, and he needs to be saved before he is lost forever.” Her glance is empty and focusing more on the wall in front of her, which can be recognized as only the state of paralyzing terror; the type that sucks your insides dry.

“We have to help him, Leo. We’ve gotta track him and it can’t wait,” Karai says behind, trying to figure out exactly what match was causing her eyes to water.

“God fucking damnit!” Raph says, turning around instantly and charging straight to the doorway, Casey short behind his heels with a blend of bloodlust and terror.

“Son of a bitch,” Donnie says, opening the application to locate Mikey’s mobile phone. “April, sweetheart, you’ve gotta stay here with Sensei okay? Ring the bell and tell him what’s going on – I’ve gotta go save my baby brother.”

The other two are quick to follow him and join the chase, powered by a fog of overprotectiveness that can only be defined in older siblings. April holds the sheet closer to her, digging her nails into her thighs and tattering the sheet tail within her cheeks, wondering as she heard their harsh footsteps echo farther away if there was something more she should have said.

X

The peering fog was enhanced with its own unique sense of ominous disillusion, as if the gasps of air that had been secluded for too long were haunting straight under every inch of his skin, flowing through the cores of his bones. He had seen this place quite more than once; this place that was a shack containing the most terrifying of monsters that had ever been ripped out of the corners and drenches in the forests. A shack that bundled up every demon and hatred and fear that had ever been conjured, waiting to devour your insides and every fiber of your soul and mind, a shack that he had watched himself be destroyed in.

Yet this visit in particular stood out against the others, in the sense that it seemed even more hollow and more deep, more like he was already drowning. He wasn’t sure if it was because things had been going good until now or if it was because now he was familiar with the obliteration it had to offer, but something definitely was making him wonder if he was even alive anymore.

“You’re awfully quiet, Michelangelo,” the man says, the waves of his voice stinging the creeping sound of creaking floorboards that the petrified boy had been bathing in. “Such a shame, to hear such a null and void in the occurrence of such a rather _spunky_ subject. You were so outgoing back at home, were you not?”

Mikey remains stiffly in position, refusing to allow his vision to waiver any closer to the man in front of him. The sudden grasp of his ankle startles him, shaking enough force to use his own words.

“This is the last time, isn’t it?” Mikey asks, so corrupted by the fuming terror that it wasn’t even recognizable to be him.

The Psychologist laughs a while, continuing his menacing cackles as he kneels down to caress Michelangelo’s pale cheek. “Of course it is, my darling.”

Mikey instinctively flinches in a fetal position, wondering how his reflex even continued to manage. “And you’re going to leave all of us alone, right?”

“Questions are such a waste of time in the grand scheme of things, don’t you think? Personally, I think a period of surprises is the absolute joy. If you’re going to ask so many questions, you are going to know too many answers, and then you are gonna have nothing to unwrap and rip apart at the end. That’s no fun, now is it? I know how much you enjoy fun and games, Michelangelo,” The Psychologist says, leaning closer so that the heat of his breath seeps onto the boy’s face.

“If you’re going to do it, can you just get it over with? I want to be with my family,” he says, the childlike terror slipping back into place.

“Such a silly, foolish, boy,” The Psychologist says, slipping closer onto the bed and swinging his leg over Mikey’s trembling torso. “Such a shame to have such a big heart in the place of such a little mind. You truly don’t understand, do you?”

“What is there to understand?” he asks, and if you squint you could possibly identify it as aggressiveness.

He wondered if Raph would be proud of him. _Ha, how much of an idiot was he?_

“The greatest beauties of existence are the balance of life and death – the soul reason why we continue to remain. Both arts are just as valuable, and just as balanced to keep everything on track. Your father must have taught you yin and yang, did he not? Evil will always be a force of existence, simply here to circulate the flow of life – one in exchange for another. Donatello was prey of the evil, succumbing to the hands of death in the balance of things. I am solely a dealer of evil, so intrigued by the art that I became consumed by it – and I was only here to straighten out the situation. The red haired girl was like an extra track, keeping things from going the way they were intended to and therefore wronging the situation. However, I was able to keep nature on end – to such and such degree. You claimed that you would do anything for Donatello to recover, to keep his soul on the light side of the living. Am I mistaken?” he asks.

“No, you are not,” Mikey answers affirmatively.

“Henceforth, you have made an exchange, one uncommon but just as plentiful – an exchange that would require you to fall down rather your brother. Is this not what you had intended? Of course, I had to have my fun along the way – and one of the most fascinating ways to break a pure soul. Isn’t it all so magnificent?” he wraps an arm around the boy’s shoulder, eyes widening towards the crooked ceiling fan in glee.

“I do not quite understand,” he says, attempting to grasp his fingers together.

“Hush child, not all that exists is meant to be understood. Especially for an individual such as yourself, one so innocent, pure, beautiful. In a simple way of saying it, the comprehension of the complexities in life and death is not meant for everyone. The only thing that you can understand is love – and more importantly, fun. Would you like to have fun, Michelangelo?” he asks, one hand fumbling under the bed and the other tracing a specific path on the boy’s torso.

He isn’t able to reply, trapped in a trance that is located somewhere in between the reality of this realm and one that is quite the alternative. The trance is instantly eaten away when he feels a sharp pain in one of the cracks of his chest, noticing that the tip of a knife was dragging slightly inside along it.

“We’ll have plenty of fun, Michelangelo. Don’t you find blood so rather simulating? The warmth of it against your skin reviving the body inside and out – the signal for the eternal contact of the soul,” he says admiring the bloody hand that was under Mikey’s new wound, painting it onto the boy’s cheeks and then his own.

Mikey had tears silently pouring down his face, somehow in a state that was too afraid to even react to unbearable pain. He would feel the knife be pulled out of his chest after scratching in a large horizontal scar and plunged into the next spot, his entire chest shaded in the crimson shade.

“Sometimes, the thought of love comes into my mind – why it is pleasurable for so many people, when flowers as delicate as you continue to exist. Things so pure were just crafted to be destroyed, weren’t they? It is why my lovely children ended in such cold blood, and it is why I must continue the path to those who fall in the same scenario. Things will finally make sense this time, won’t they? I sure do ask a lot of questions, for someone who doesn’t fancy them,” he says, brutally pushing himself into violation, eyes glowing at the expansion of blood flow.

Mikey tries his best to stop his whimpering, trails of blood running from each corner of his mouth. His orange mask had been demolished by the fluid of blood and tears, His entire body sizzling in a pain that told him he was going to die.

“I’m going to miss our little rendezvous, I really will. I also did quite an enjoy the intimacy that we share, but nothing will be as wondrous as this moment. As infatuated as I was with the mind of Donatello, you truly were the most entertaining to tear apart,” he smirks, continuing to slice the boy’s chest over and over as he violently thrusts into him.

The emptiness seeping from the boy’s empty eyes only made his excitement more severe, his desire to slice and carve and feel.

“Do not fall away darling, you have not fallen lethal. Just a lot of blood is all. See, not so bad! Why in fact, our night is only about to become more thrilling? Why, you ask?” The Psychologist says holding his face close in the crook of Mikey’s shoulder and intensifying the pressure on his wounds. “Because I’ve just got the signal that your darling brothers are on their way to come and play.”

And for the first time of the night, his whimpers had turned into sobs.

X

Not more than seconds after the others had disappeared, April felt a shard of pain sharper than that of her actual mending wounds. Suddenly, after enough time of her lonesome had passed to make her question time in itself, she felt the sudden urge to run, to scream, to fight. Her psychic abilities were both a blessing and a curse, but following the aftermath of the events that had left her comatose she was a bit too afraid to act on them. It seemed possible that she had woken up just in the nick of time, like a gift granted by the good forces in life, to do what she could to mend a horrifically awful situation. Yet whether her actions were affective or not, she was bottom line reduced to the pain and knowledge that something definitely was happening, and that it may just be horrific enough to change the world.

Well, her world at least.

Suddenly too petrified to continue the lack of in contact comfort, she urgently rung her bell, wishing for the security that she always had felt when Splinter was present. As much as she wished her own father could be here right now, she really wanted to see Splinter too.

It was abnormal for the bell to go a minute without response, as it was nearly impossible for the ninja master’s striking reflexes to miss it. April began to develop even more anxiety, if that was even possible. She attempted to seize herself upwards, only to be stopped by the sharp pains and the IV in her vein.

“Help!” the voice shakes her hard enough to alert the heart monitor, the color of her skin completely drained from normalcy.

“Splinter?” she calls, coughing at the straining of her throat.

“April? Is it really you?” he calls out.

“Yes, it’s me Sensei,” she says, shutting her eyes tightly. “Can you please come here?”

“I cannot,” he says, “There is something very wrong.”

April allows herself to take a deep breath, pushing her hair back as if it was in its regular ponytail. After so much time at being so useless at protecting her family, she was not going to let anything stop her now.

“Don’t you worry Sensei, I’m on my way!” she calls out, holding her head to catch her breath for a moment. Using her mind abilities was not even in the question, considering the tremendous migraine they were causing her at the moment. Something about the pain and flash images told her that using it wouldn’t be such a good idea.

Her fingertips fumbled at the IV, trying to recall a time where she didn’t have it dug deep into her main vein. Yet as alluding as time seemed she knew that it had fallen scarce and she had no time for fear or consideration. Clenching her teeth tightly against each other she looks the opposite way and rips the needle straight out of her arm, screaming a little at the sudden movement. Blood drips from the needle and rapidly down her forearm but she seems to hardly even notice the disturbance while removing any attachments that kept her in the infirmary bed.

Trembling from the mistreatment of her injuries and far too much movement, she prepares to jump down onto the floor, her body wrenching just at the thought of it. However, the thought of her need to protect the baby of the family the night she had learned of the truth was far more demanding, and love just may have overpowered her common sense.

The two foot drop to the hardwood floor was almost agonizing enough to make her want to knock out, but her anxiety was sure to keep her wide awake. She allows herself to writher in pain and adjust to the feeling of movement, breathing deeply and rapidly. She had been completely oblivious to the folded piece of paper that had fluttered to the floor with her fall.

“Get yourself together, April,” she tells herself, making sure the wrapping around her head injury was secure. “You’re almost a full blown kunoichi; you can totally take this.”

 Accordingly walking would not be an option, as her attempts at gaining balance constantly resulting in more and more energy wasting collapses. Fortunately, she contained knowledge of some alternate methods of transportation.

Sinking her malnourished nails into the cracks of the floor she boosts herself a push, continuing to crawl towards her destination. As painful as it was, the sensation of motion was a liberating reminder that she had finally escaped her prisoning slumber.

“Splinter?” she calls out, dragging herself towards the dojo as fast as she possibly could. As soon as she reached the entrance of the room she could almost accept the invitation of unconsciousness, but her soul was far too stubborn to accept it.

“April? My dear?!” he asks, and she can now visibly see that he lays stiffly in place, shards of broken teacup around him.

“Splinter! What happened here?” she asks, rolling as best as she could to be as close to him as possible and finally giving in to her aching body once her motion suspends.

Splinter gazes in shock at the child, who was still showered in bruises and patched injuries but was very much awake. She appeared to be severely out of breath and in quite a lot of discomfort, but the fact of her consciousness could almost mask it all away. “Child, I thought we were going to lose you,” he says, a single tear dropping from his eye, wishing that he had the strength to move.

“It’s okay, Sensei, it’s alright. I’m here now, I promise. Do you want to tell me what happened?” April asks, turning her head to face his and ignoring her sweltering fever.

“I…I am unable to move. I had collapsed in place and now I cannot do as much as move my head. I do not understand why this has occurred,” he says to her, desperately attempting to embrace the girl.

“What was the last thing you remember?” she asks.

“The Psychologist had come for a final visit, and he stopped by to pour me some tea. I began to feel unusual shortly after he had left,” Splinter says.

“Oh no…,” April says, shuddering and jolting at the mental signals she was receiving. Something had definitely gone very, very wrong.

“What is the matter, dear child?” he asks, his voice a lot softer than usual. “Why have you caused yourself such harm to come over here, after going through such severe physical trauma? Where are my sons and why have they not came to assist you?”

April clenches her eyes tight once more, salty tears squeezing out of them. “Something very bad is going to happen, Master Splinter.”

The flash images crash before her eyes and shock through her brain, images of familiar monsters and blood and screams and all of the hell that comes in-between. Images of disaster that she could have prevented, but that will inevitably unravel before her eyes.

“I know something very bad,” she says, sniffling in two harsh sobs before crying out completely. As much as sobbing pained her sore ribs and breath intake, she was too afraid to resist it.

“Hush child,” Splinter soothes, his eyes beckoning for her to come closer. “Everything is going to be alright.”

April rolled closer to Splinter and hugged him tightly, nuzzling her face deep into his robe and sobbing into it. Despite his inability to physically soothe her his presence alone was protective enough to relax her static nerves in the slightest, reassuring her that she was not alone.

As soon as April gazed upward to confide in him she realized that his eyes were no longer open, his facial expression as motionless as the rest of his body.

“Splinter?” she questions worriedly, holding her hand up to his face and trying to signal his response.

Nothing.

“Splinter…” she says, completely alert now, leaning over to face him completely.

“Splinter, wake up, you’ve gotta wake up!” she panics, shaking him by his shoulders only to receive no reaction.

“Splinter, please,” she says, blinding her clear vision, resting her head on his rigid body.

Now, she was all alone again, left with her own dark thoughts and what was going to happen next.

X

He had lost complete track of the pace of the others now, as the only thing he could focus on was the speed of the way the wind carried him and getting to his baby brother. Maybe he didn’t know exactly where he was going and he wasn’t particularly familiar with these parts but he had taken enough of a glass at Donnie’s tracker to get the idea and he did not have the time to think with the others.

He had some killing to do.

As he continued the area only became more and more gut wrenching, the area chilling him with the aroma of something that was undoubtedly treacherous. Each continuous second that he drowned in the vibe only intensified his longing to protect his missing baby sibling, his footsteps passing with more and more of a rush. Finally, once he had gotten to the final alley, he noticed a sketchy shack and knew instantly that it must be his desired destination.

“Mikey?!” he called out desperately, staggering to the worn down location.

“Raph?” Mikey had whispered, recognizing his older brother’s voice from outside immediately. His face and body was stained and smeared with scattered blood and tears and he had reached the point of injury that hardly even hurt anymore, but he still tried his best to sit up to protect his family.

“I don’t think that plan is going to work out for you, baby boy. How about you use your time to do something more resourceful? How about we watch a little bit of a show?” The Psychologist tells him, reaching into the pocket of his coat and pulling out a lethal weapon, the shimmer of the steel reflecting into Mikey’s blurred eye vision.

“No, no, no, no,” Mikey pants, shaking hard enough to feel that he was going to make himself faint. “Y-You promised.”

“I suppose that fate and existence has other plans, leading some new lives straight under my wing. Now isn’t that a lovely surprise! If you’re lucky, I’ll even let you take the hit!” The Psychologist laughs, just as soon as the door slammed open hard enough to break it down.

“MIKEY!” Raph yelled when he entered, stilling in place as soon as he caught vision of the gruesome picture before him. For a moment he was unable to move or to speak or to even breathe, nothing but burn in his own electrical shock and traumatic horror.

That was until the boom of the bullet that seemed to end the world itself, following the most intense pain he had ever experienced coming from his thigh.

“Raph!” Mikey attempts to shout, choking on his own blood.

“MIKEY!” Raph screams, pulling himself up after the gunshot wound only to receive another on the other thigh.

Raph successfully plunges both of his thighs in the legs of the predator, digging and twisting as deep as possible until he is struck by the head of the gun that is aimed to his baby’s head.

“You do one more thing to piss me off and chuckles here is gonna get his brains blown out,” The Psychologist threatens, knocking the rim of the gun against the side of Mikey’s head, along his unrecognizable mask.

“Mikey…” Raph says, beginning to sob uncontrollably; the kind of cry in which has screams that chill you down to every nerve in your skin, the kind that strikes any person who it is audible to. The kind of cry you could only possibly hear in your worst nightmares.

It wasn’t particularly from his gunshot wounds, but for the entire scene in front of him; a scene that made him feel that his veins were going to pop open.

“If it isn’t little Raphie to come join our fun and games! I bet you didn’t know how much of a whore your brother is, did you Raphael?” The Psychologist taunts, playfully circulating the barrel along Mikey’s cheekbone.

“I’ll fucking dissect you alive and hang you from a cactus by your intestines after I drown you in your blood you fucking son of a bitch, and you’ll find out real quick that I don’t like to make jokes!” Raph shouts, still unable to seize his wretched sobs.

“Now that’s the spirit, my dear friend! Say, think of all the games we can play now that we are all together! All of the blood we can share…” The Psychologist traces his fingernail along the bloodstains on Mikey’s cheeks.

“Please, please don’t hurt them,” Mikey cries, panting heavily for breath and beginning to hyperventilate. I’ll do anything, you can do anything you want to me. I’m finished now anyways; you can discard my body and leave them alone. We make a d-deal.”

“Mikey shut up! What deal?!” Raph panics.

“It’s okay, Raphie,” Mikey forces a weak smile, reaching to hold his brother’s hand. “Everything’s going to be alright.”

“What do you mean everything is going to be alright?!” Raph panics, his little brother caressing his hand with his trembling thumb.

“It’s supposed to be this way – the end of everything. I was always born for this, wasn’t I? You guys spent all of our lives protecting me, and now I can repay you by protecting you. I am ready to die, because I am broken here now – disposable and a waste. You’re going to be alright here, okay? You gotta make sure Donnie’s happy!” Mikey says, and it is obvious that his large grin took up almost all the energy in his body.

“I don’t understand,” Raph says, crying into his brother’s pale palm.

“You trust me, don’t you Raphie? Aren’t you my best friend in the entire world?” Mikey asks.

“Of course I am,” Raph responds, stuttering and forgetting how breathing worked.

“Then you’ve gotta trust me on this- “Mikey’s sentence is cut short when the predator dug the knife into his lower side, resulting in his screech followed by his eyes slowly fluttering closed.

“MIKEY!” Raph screams, and as soon as his cry of despair escaped Donnie, Leo, Karai and Casey bust through the door.

“Wow, the whole gang is here! I didn’t know I was going to have a surprise party!” The Psychologist cheers, securing the barrel in its threatening position.

“Oh my god…” Donnie whispers in horror, all four trembling at the sight and beginning to instantly tremble.

“Why Donatello, lovely subject of mine, fancy seeing you here! I just couldn’t wait for the appearance of the star of the show!” The Psychologist smirks.

“What the fuck is this,” Leo demands, a type of calm that is terrifying enough in itself.

“Wow, guess you all get to solve the puzzle at once! You didn’t think your golden sessions came for free, did you? Why, my little friend here gave up a little price in exchange for them! Wasn’t that such a lovely thing for a brother to do?” The Psychologist says.

Donnie freezes in realization, his skin tone the palest it has ever been. “No…”

“Guess we all get a fun little bloodbath now! It’s a shame your father can’t join us – considering the pill I left him, we shouldn’t be expecting him anytime soon. Guess we can’t ever include everyone, can we?” he smirks, carving the knife through the top of Mikey’s chest playfully.

“Son of a bitch,” Donnie spits, an unfamiliar craving for bloodshed filling into his eyes.

“Although I personally thought that my hints were rather obvious, you just may be not as smart as you write yourself out to be. Yet some things are just a blessing in disguise – because then we wouldn’t be having the party! Do you like to play, children? After all, you have been cards in this deck all along…” he says, leaning a bit forward off of Mikey’s unconscious body.

“Bring it motherfucker,” Donnie told him, an obviously foolish and rash statement but one that he meant; as he felt he’d be able to rip the man’s limbs to shreds with his bare hands.

“What a great pleasure, for the first kill to be the one who started it all - “The Psychologist sighs, shooting his gun in Donnie’s direction.

Yet other than an aggressive push to the ground, Donnie didn’t feel anything.

Opening his eyes and shaking his head to wake himself from the freight, the first thing he noticed was that his best friend was standing where he just had – and that he was very uncharacteristically still.

Yet it wasn’t like that would be abnormal in such a situation.

“Good save, Casey…” he says, trying to guess why his voice is wavering.

Raph, who had been collapsed beside Mikey and who was barely conscious, began to whimper even louder, a painful shriek that repeated Casey’s name.

It seemed like that was a signal for the boy’s body to come crashing down, the sound of the collision seeming to be the loudest of the night.

“Casey?” Donnie whispers, seeing a trickle of blood drip down his friend’s chin, leading down to the gushing wound that split open his chest.

“You okay Don?” he gasps, his hand revealing the expanding bullet hole.

Leo suddenly cracked open the air of shock with the loudest yell he had ever down, jumping forward to pounce at the man. Karai instantly panics, her heart stopping in her chest, wondering why they all kept forgetting that the monster had a gun and they did not.

“Leo! You’re gonna get shot!” she cries, holding onto his shoulder.

“I HAVE TO KILL HIM! LET ME GO!” Leo cried, and it was difficult to understand what he was trying to say.

“Well now things are getting spicy. Before I finish the rest of you off, I might as well dispose of the waste of space that brought you here in the first place,” The Psychologist says, bringing the knife above and raising it at the angle that lead to Mikey’s throat.

Time seemed to stop in that time, trapped in a freeze frame that was Karai’s mind. Suddenly, a variety of images began flashing before her eyes, pushing her will and adrenaline.

Flashbacks; ones that showed Leo and ones that showed Mikey and the others, ones that showed cuddles and pajamas and ice cream and all of the nice things that she hadn’t known before. Flashbacks of the photos of her mother and her childhood dream of being a hero. Flashbacks of her promise to do something good, to make up for all of her mistakes with one final deed or heroic actions.

_I have to do something good; I have to do something to save someone else._

With that she was snapped back into reality, back into the heat of the moment and the rush that sent her pouncing towards the predator, sliding in front of the kid just in the right moment that the blade came flashing down.

The spraying of blood along the others was definitely from a slit throat, but it also definitely was not Mikey’s.

(TBC)


	25. The Adversity (Part 2)

Slow motion – a simple and well know phenomenon describing the suspension of time at a rate that still contains gravity, a period that twists the reality of time and speed and gravity in themselves. One that can be understood by even the least complex of minds, comprehended as a unit of occurrence in events such as the first kiss of a first lover, or a player shooting for the final point.

One that cannot be completely absorbed until it is experienced not as a metaphor or as diction but as an aspect of reality.

That was the first thought that came to Leo when he found himself a captive in the confines of time, a unit that prevented his own reaction as well as the continuation of the present’s events, trapping all in a window that held the moment of numbness long enough for the thought to be a bullet smacking his brain.

The next step was fast motion – a phenomenon that induced the speed and adrenaline of a moment by more than half of the regular occurrence, stealing the ability to contemplate but fueling the ability to act. He was not aware of his moment as he swung through the air, the fast motion carrying him like a bolt of light through the electric wires, airborne one second and suspending the man in question with his over stimulated strength in the next. He did not have time to be aware to the blood from the alternate source that has squirted on his cheek, or the horror of the room around him.

The only focus he had was to rid the world of this monster.

The action of the wooden staff crashing onto his opponent’s head was the signal that revived the state of casual gravity, the return of unity between the conscience and the action. He became aware to the shaking in his fists and to the tears on his face, and to the fact that his brother’s weapon led the man in his grasp to unconsciousness.

 “Leo, what are you doing? I think you and I have bigger problems to worry about right now, we can deal with him later!” Donnie tells him, and he thinks it may be the first time he cowered under a little brother’s assertiveness.

It was then that all three states of time melded into one, the air pressing like a blade to his chest and freeing like the speed of a thunderstorm. In the bed lay his baby brother, who was practically destroyed from the middle and sleeping in a pool of blood. Just near him, their hands still interlocked, his other younger brother sat in blood of his own, very obviously losing energy. Where he and Donnie previously stood, he saw their best friend, coughing blood through harsh breaths and holding onto his toxic wound.

And to the left of the bed lay the love of his life, blood squirting through the spaces of her fingers that clasped onto her throat.

Donnie was the first who recaptured the sense of thought, his instincts to treat and to protect dominating those of fear. He quickly examined the four injured, knowing that he had to put the perspective of a medic above the perspective of a loved one. Raph seemed to be in the best shape, although he was, by far, not off the hook either.

Karai, on the other hand, didn’t look so hot.

“Raph, you think you could help me a little bit buddy?” Donnie asks, trying to figure out how they were going to transport everyone home without a car.

_If everyone would make it past here, at least._

“Yeah Don, I can always help,” he answered, a bit slurred and out of breath.

“Call April and tell her to get both Master Splinter and Kirby to come here quick, and with a car. I’m gonna see what I can do for you guys in the meantime, okay?” Donnie says, placing the phone in Raph’s empty hand.

Out of Casey, Mikey, and Karai, it was rough telling which one was worse off. He could only stand in his own circle of shock for a moment, forgetting how to count his own breaths.

“Kirby is on the way. April said something’s wrong and Splinter can’t come,” Raph rasps.

“Fucking damnit,” Donnie mutters hatefully, slapping his forehead to get ahold of himself.

“Okay, okay. Raph, keep watch over Mikey. Leo, you go to Karai and I’ll go to Casey,” Donnie commands kneeling quickly to examine his self-assigned person.

Leo’s travel to his immobile lover was just as agonizingly slow as it was uncontrollably fast, trembling fingers dragging him forward and thrusting him beside her in the reality. Her pained hazel eyes were wide open, the harsh intakes of her chest revealing that she was still alive. Staring down so directly towards her brought him back to a memory, a memory that was the very most sweet with a small tang of chilling bitterness.

A memory of the first time his eyes had locked onto the curves of her body with such focus, when they had first lay together as eternal lovers. A memory that will now always be distorted by the way he looked down at her now, bright white skin stained in an unattainable blood spill.

It was not particularly difficult for her to realize his presence, whether it was from her kunoichi skills of recognizing nearby movement or whether it was that the smell of him always stimulated her spirit. “L-Le-Leo?” she hisses, ignoring the pain to say what she needed to say.

After all, she always did have a pretty accurate state of mind that would tell her when an ending was near – and she feels that her state of living is reaching a conclusion.

“Shh,” he says, breaking a little out of the shock to cradle her delicately to his chest. “It’s okay baby, you’re okay. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

He nuzzles his cheek into her temple and strokes a large hand down the back of her hair, moving to kiss her forehead. “Oh Karai…what have you done?”

“I h-had t-to d-do som-something good. I h-had t-to pr-prove th-that I’m a g-good p-person. And I h-had t-to save th-the k-kid,” she smiles weakly.

“My princess, you are always the best person,” he says, a single tear dropping from his eye when she smiles back at him.

“L-Leo, y-you are t-the on-only pe-person who I ev-ever l-loved, b-but y-you de-deserve be-better. You a-are the b-best pe-person I ever met, an-and I ru-ruined th-that. I wa-wanted t-to b-be like y-you, to b-b-be a her-hero. O-Once I sa-saved y-you, I di-didn’t have to b-be here any-anymore. You-you’re gon-gonna do great things, o-okay Leo?” she says, using all of her energy just to say her final words.

“Knock it off Karai, it’s not like you’re gonna die or something. I know how much you love to be overdramatic and to mess with me but it ain’t the time,” Leo replies, suddenly much more aggressive in contrast to his previously delicate attitude.

“L-Leo,” she says, her expression saddening.

“You’re not dead, okay? You’re alive and you’re gonna be, because you aren’t going to die without me. You’re going to die with me, when we are much older after we have done what we can to put our touch on the world, being heroes. We will die together in one final battle against all the forces of evil and I know they won’t be able to defeat you because you will be the most powerful and honorable hero in all of the universe. You aren’t gonna die because I still must show you all ten seasons of space heroes and we must have a Christmas party and we must sneak into a Green Day concert and all the other stuff we planned. Okay? Do you understand me Karai?” he doesn’t realize how much his voice is shaking nor the tears staining his pale skin.

“Ba-baby, that isn’t the w-way it’s sup-supposed to be. T-to me, keeping you s-safe and mak-making sure every-everything goes al-alright for y-you is t-the most her-heroic thing I c-could ev-ever do. Y-you a-are go-gonna do all those things, an-and I will be gui-guiding you. You’re sp-speciaL Leo-Leonardo. I didn’t be-believe in an af-afterlife until I h-had to won-wonder wh-where I would wa-wait for you,” she explains, burning to grasp onto a little bit more life.

Leo begins sobbing lightly, thinking of what force he could possibly conjure to save her. Would he be able to exchange his life instead?

“You-you can do that f-for me, ca-can’t you L-Leo?” she asks him, her eyes gazing to him warmly.

“I,” his gallons of self-doubt and insecurities securely hidden by his shock and terror. “I-I can do anything for you. Anything you want.”

She smiles, moving her hand weakly away from her hemorrhaging wound to delicate hold both of his blood splattered cheeks. She motions for him to come closer, not having enough strength to pull herself up to him.

“Leo-Leonardo, you were the only good thing to e-ever ha-happen to m-me,” she hisses, blood pouring out of her mouth and nose.

“No Karai, it isn’t like that. Things aren’t done happening to you and you’re going to meet people from all over the world, and we’re going to go home and make that banana split that you never tried because Casey just bought the ingredients! It’s going to be so fun and-“

“I-I love you,” she says, hardly above a whisper, her breaths picking up pace. “Thank you.”

He remains oblivious to her worsened conditions and to her lightly paced last words, continuing to rant over the plans of desserts and movie nights and traveling that was never going to be a reality.

He remained oblivious to the desistance of her pulse and of the lack of movement of her bloody chest.

“Come on Karai, why aren’t you answering me? You know I hate it when you do that – you always listen! You’re the only one who listens because we’re supposed to be just us against the world right? You wouldn’t lie to me, I know you’d never lie to me because you said you aren’t leaving and I said you aren’t leaving and we’re done with breaking rules, aren’t we?” he begins to rant frantically, his words tripping over each other at a rate that was incomprehensible.

“WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING ME, GODDAMNIT?! I KNOW YOU’RE ALIVE, I KNOW YOU ARE! SEE, YOU’RE PERFECTLY FINE, IT’S NOT REAL! I MUST JUST BE HIGH AGAIN! YOU’RE PERFERCTLY FINE! HA HA HA! YOU WERE ALWAYS SO GODDAMN FUNNY, ALWAYS UP TO YOUR TRICKS!” he screams, his voice fading from furious to a laugh that made the others burn with chills through everybody in the room.

The maniacal form of Leo proceeded to shake her body violently to wake her up, causing her blood to splash all over him and the others in the room. “WHY THE FUCK AREN’T YOU ANSWERING ME?”

“SHE’S FUCKING DEAD, GODDAMNIT!” Donnie replies in frustration, his own face appearing that all the organs had been ripped straight out of his body.

As soon as his sentence had concluded the door flung open, Kirby entering the room.

“Oh my god,” he says in horror, flinching at the sight surrounding him.

“KIRBY, YOU HAVE TO HELP US! CASEY AND MIKEY ARE DYING AND RAPH IS GONNA BE ON HIS WAY IF-”

“Shh, it’s alright Donnie boy. The car is just outside; you’ll just have to help me carry them okay?” Kirby says in his best attempt at comfort, beginning to tremble himself at the tragic gore around him but remembering that he is the adult of the situation.

Donnie nods nervously, tenderly handing the hyperventilating Casey to Kirby as he moves over to cradle Mikey, his panic attack intensifying at the bloody tattered mess that was his baby brother. Kirby came running back immediately to lift Raph, placing all of them gently in the back of the van.

“Don’t think you’re getting away, son of a fuck,” Donnie says, striking The Psychologist one more time to assure unconsciousness and throwing him carelessly into the closable trunk.

“Do you want me to wait in the car for this one?” Kirby whispers, gesturing to were Leo continued to seek response from Karai’s deranged corpse.

“Yeah, I’ll try to make it as quick as I can,” Donnie says, darting over to his borderline psychotic older brother.

“Leo, sweetie we have to go. We’re going to lose the others too if we don’t get them medical attention as fast as we can,” Donnie says, lightly putting a hand on Leo’s shoulder only to have it violently brushed off.

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DON DON?!” he laughs, obviously not mentally intacted. “NOTHING’S WRONG WITH ANYONE, EVERYTHING’S OKAY!”

“No Leo, Karai’s dead and so will be the others if- “

“KARAI’S NOT DEAD!” he screamed, shoving Donnie hard enough for him to fly to the other side of the room and crack the wooden wallboards.

“Okay Leo, okay. But you and Karai gotta go get in the van, alright? We gotta go somewhere!” Donnie says, reaching for the eldest’s bloody hands.

“Okay! C’mon Karai, we gotta go somewhere! Isn’t that fun, maybe we’ll meet some new friends there and everything!” Leo says, lifting her into his arms and following Donnie’s urgent lead.

Making sure that everyone was safely secured into the van Donnie jumped in as well, signaling for Kirby to floor it as fast as he possibly could.

“You hanging in there, buddy?” Donnie asks Casey, noticing that he was still conscious.

“Donnie?” Casey asks, his voice timid and young and afraid.

“Yeah, it’s me Case. I’m gonna make you all better, alright?” Donnie reassures.

“Could you li-like, hold my hand?” he asks, “You know; li-like buddies d-do.”

Donnie reaches down and squeezes the grip on his best friend’s hands, pushing the wild hair out of his face.

“Why would you go out and do that for me, Jones?” he asks in a monotone.

Casey laughs lightly, coughing fatally in return. “Why would such a smart guy like you ask somethin’ so stupid? You got a lot more to live for than me by a long shot, dude. You just started getting’ better and you got a family and girl at home to love ya, and you’re a 21st century genius. What do I got? I’m the last one livin in my family and I ain’t got no girl, and I ain’t nothin but a high school dropout that likes hitting pucks and bashing heads. And besides all that, y-you know what our code is. Best friends do anything for each other, even if it means life or death.”

“You have a family, you degenerate simpleton. What do you think I would do without ya, huh?” Donnie says shakily, trembling without control.

“You’ll be fine D, just like I told ya. You turnin’ out just fine, y’know that?” Casey says, holding his friends’ hands to his heart. “Ya think it’s normal to be scared to die?”

“You don’t need to be scared, you’re going to be okay,” Donnie says, more so assuring himself. “An anterior bullet wound to the abdomen can be survivable you know.”

“Ha, who would ever have thought the last thing I’d here would be ya nerd talk,” Casey says. “And ya know what buddy? I wouldn’t want it to be anything else.”

“Stop talking like that Case. You’re alright, ok? You’re Casey Jones – the stubborn ass who doesn’t let anything succeed him. Some old bullet isn’t enough to take that out, is it?” Donnie says urgently, glancing his attention towards his brothers.

Raph was hanging by a delicate string of consciousness as he was cuddling into Mikey, who appeared to be even more lifeless than Karai; physically deranged and in complete lack of any form of movement; but his persistent pulse proved the contrary. Donnie reached out a weak hand in horror to his baby brother, wondering how it could be possible for such an awful, unimaginable atrocity to happen to such a pure and innocent person. The shock was still too much for him to actually take in, still trying to figure out if it was a truth of life or another demented nightmare.

 The constant insane blabber of Leo was beginning to drive him insane, all his words so twisted in nature and upsetting enough to make Donnie’s stomach sick.  Although he lacked the power of reaction, he was conscious to the seed of insanity that shadowed his mind every time he opened his eyes.

Raph was falling out of his mind as well, the physical distortion contributing even more so. He was continuously attempting to wake up Mikey, his voice more small and defenseless as it had ever been. The environment was the most nauseating that he had ever experienced, not only for the blood that he forgot was dripping down his fingers but for how much he felt himself slowly going more and more insane.

Just before he could allow himself to unwind into the claws of the demons that were sucking against his feeble laired skin, the harsh slam of car breaks jolted the brims of his sweat ridden forehead against the wall of the shaking van, signaling that it was his cue to jet.

Kirby O’Neil was a frantic enough human as it is, in cases that didn’t involve primary responsibility to a multitude of dying kids. Donnie would dare to say he was proud of the stability levels the guy pretended to put on for the time being, but his mind was far too gone to concern over an overdramatic middle aged psychiatrist and his typical irrational anxiety.

“Raphie? Can you hear me buddy?” Donnie asks, his voice soft as a wide spread white bedsheet that has never been corrupted upon and as shattered as the same bedframe that had been snapped into pieces all at the same time.

Raph took a few minutes to register what he was hearing, reaching his hand dependently out to his little brother. Donnie was instant to take grasp of his hold, holding it securely against his cheek.

“Yeah Don. I can hear ya.”

“We’re home now, alright? We just gotta get everybody patched up. I’m going to take Mikey now, alright? I’ll settle him down and then I’ll come back to get you. Is that alright?” Donnie asks, tears streaming down both sides of his cheeks.

“Yeah, it’s alright D. Everything’s good,” he replies, his eyes rolling about and falling deeper into the seduction of unconsciousness.

Kirby takes hold of Casey, signaling for Donnie’s go time. He raises his baby brother as delicately as possible, fearing that the slightest brush of pressure would make the shards of his ripped body collapse. He wished so badly to hold him and kiss his forehead and never allow him out of his arms again, but he knew that in such circumstances there was no time to sensate emotional agony.

April and Splinter were inside the infirmary, apparently transported with the help of Kirby. Splinter was unconscious but appeared to be nothing more. He had stable vital signs and no apparent injury, other than a state of unconsciousness from a heavy induced tranquilizing pill. April was pale by the face and a lot more stunned than she was when she had first awoken. She was obviously still ill and fragile but the adrenaline of the situation had knocked her into a state that could be considered helpful to say the least.

“Kirby, hook up Mikey and Casey to the ventilator system while I go bring in Raph. Start working on Casey and then I’ll have April help me out after I help Leo and Karai,” Donnie says, splitting as fast as possible back to the van.

Raph had fallen unconscious, resting in a collapsed huddle within a pool of fresh blood. Donnie took note of Leo’s place in the corner, cradling Karai’s corpse and communicating in a medley of slurred incoherent phrases accompanied with an unsteady and cracked form of laughter. It was obvious that he was thrown off the cruelest edges of insanity, almost completely disconnected from his right mind but still hanging somewhat in there. Just enough for Donnie to get him back, if he were to act now.

“Come on Leonardo,” he says sternly at first, lifting Raph with as much care as he could at his weight. “We’ve got to go help our brothers.”

Leo disregarded Donnie’s acknowledgement completely, continuing his one-sided conversation with Karai that was distorted to the tape of an audio that could be used as a torture device into Donnie’s brain for the rest of his existence.

Donnie sighs in grieved and aching frustration, setting down Raph and clenching his fists as he walks to his oldest brother. As much as he didn’t have time for this, not having a mentally stable Leo to help them was even more of a critical risk to take.

He grabbed ahold of his shoulders with no hesitation, being able to knock him off contact from Karai with one move. He slaps his brother hard across the cheek, immediately silencing the unhinged gibberish.

“Leonardo, you need to listen to me,” he says, tightening his grips on the shaking shoulders as securely as he could. “Karai’s dead. She’s not alive anymore. We’re going through a tragedy right now and to be honest I don’t know how we are going to survive this. But you need to understand that it isn’t over and that we can make the tragedy a little less severe if we understand that it isn’t time to grieve. Just look at Raph, he’s bathing in his own blood for fuck’s sake. And Casey? He took a bullet to his chest and he’s getting ready to die and everything. And Mikey? Our sweet little baby who we swore to protect from any sign of harm? He’s hardly even fucking recognizable after what physical and emotional torture he went through and if he does survive this I know he’s sure as hell never gonna be the same ever again. Karai’s dead Leo, and that’s a fucking unimaginably awful thing but it’s the truth. You know it’s the truth and that’s why you’re letting yourself unravel into insanity. And don’t get me wrong, you have every goddamn right to feel like that. But there’s an aspect to tragedies that includes putting things aside, even things great enough to destroy you. The reason for that is because if not everybody’s going to be fucking dead. Do you understand me?”

Leo stares at his younger brother dead in the eye, the expression in his irises morphing from those laced with hysteric derangement to those with exhaust and depletion. The glance alone is enough to break his heart all over again, wishing it was possible to forget it. He finally nods delicately, his body stripped clean of emotion or reaction. He slowly kisses Karai’s forehead and moves her body into a comfortable position, giving a tiny nod to himself again before he picks up Raph.

“Donnie?!”

The feminine shrill of terror was enough to have Donnie at the scene at the flash of lightning, Leo slowly trudging behind him with Raph in his grasp. April was trying to lift Casey, who had apparently thrown himself off all his medical supplies.

“What the fuck Jones? Are you kidding me?” Donnie growls, leaning down to grab the sleeves of his best friend’s bloodstained shirt.

“No D, No-no-no-no,” Casey says, slapping Donnie’s arm with a pathetic amount of energy. “You ain’t gotta be worried about me. You gotta help the kid, and our Raphie,” he says, a hoarse gasp.

“Casey, you’re being a fucking idiot, to be frank. Get back in bed now so that I can get to everyone,” Donnie says, beginning to grow frantic.

“D,” he says, reaching to grab his friend’s wrist. “You don’t understand. I don’t need to be here anymore. I’m done here, remember? I’ve served my purpose. I’ve avenged my little sister. I’ve made sure you all are happy again. I’ve understood, happiness, love, adventure, family. The others, they still have so much to live for. There is so much for them to do here, don’t ya understand? I gotta go look after Angel now.”

“No, you aren’t pulling this suicidal bullshit again. You have tons to live for,” Donnie says, attempting to pick up his friend but failing due to the low pressure of his blood.

“D,” he says, his voice beginning to give away. “This little family we got going on here was the best present I ever got. You turned out pretty alright, kiddo. Shit’s gonna get better for ya guys, I swear to god it is.”

Donnie isn’t able to respond, staring at him with wet eyes.

“And ya know what Don?” he gestures to whisper, “Out of all the shit you’ve made me, the best one was something I thought I’d never have. Ya know, before you guys were in my life, I’d never guess that I’d die happy.”

Donatello shakily rests his finger on his friend’s hand, his shriveling heart sinking to the bottomless pit of his abdomen when he feels the hand lose grip.

April kneels closer, her crying becoming excruciating when her frantic search for her friend’s pulse was a failed mission. She snaps upwards at the touch on her finger, seeing both her father and Leo looking down coldly towards her, reminding her of the ideology that would get them out of this.

_Time for grieving has not been salved._

She nods, holding a hand against her ribs and carefully standing back to her feet. Donnie does not move a muscle, other than the skin under his eye twitching.

_Mikey being violated. Sound of gushing blood. Blood drops showering his face. Slit throat. Hysteric Leo. Laughs, laughs, laughs so impossibly unbearable. Broken brothers. Sleeping Dad. Casey._

The events were repeating themselves at top speed on a loop in his mind, cutting into the very vein that kept him intacted.

Her voice echoing into the fog behind him, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he passed out.

X

Before he gained enough control over his body to open his eyes, Splinter knew that something was horribly wrong.

The atmosphere was cloudy before visibility, his heart restrained by the warnings of perilous circumstance that comes with being a parent. Contrasting his previous immobile state of limbs, he burst awake with eyes wide open, shuddering at the smell of blood.

He became frozen within the moment of visibility, each crack of the puzzle surrounding him a different shard that sliced through the vulnerable flesh of his heart. The human boy who he had come to know so well was laying very obviously dead across the pavement, beside an unconscious form of his son. Two other sons were paralyzed within the chords of medical procedure, their skin a light shade of crème olive and stained by dried blood. His final child was standing ominously beside the littlest one, and despite his state of consciousness he appeared the most lifeless of them all.

“Splinter?” April asks him, her voice tired, broken, and afraid.

Despite his many years of capability in the case of any task that hit him, Splinter did not have the capability of forming words to say out loud.

He sat up after a slight flinch, shaking the senses back into his body and reaching out desperately for anything he could possibly feel. Even looking directly towards Leonardo, the only thing that he could see was his own distorted reflection in the foggy glass windows that once held so much personality, complete void mirrors of nothingness. It was hard to recognize the smallest one through all his medical bandages, a breathing tube sticking through his impossibly small face and pale skin. Raph did not look as bad off, but the cracks of his broken lips were almost as damaged as his legs. It didn’t look like he would ever recover, taking away everything he had worked so hard for.

Donatello was not injured at all other than a few scratches and a lifeless appearance, his hand still intertwined with the corpse of his dear friend.

“Donatello?” he asks, his voice a bit hoarse, believing that out of the four the child gave the biggest possibility of responding.

April whimpered a little, squirming out of her father’s grasp to reach out for her lover for his support, sensing his return to conscience moments before it went into action. Once he abruptly sat up, the sockets of his eyes twitching out in a sense somewhere in-between over immurement and forced liberation. He shuddered, in an attempt to free himself from the blood dripping down his fingers, matching blood shot eyes looking first into those of his dearest lover; a being that seemed a little too out of touch to rationalize reality. Laying her delicate fingers in the palm of his hand, he turned his head to see his father, the hazel eyes of anguish and broken fatherly love reducing his age of mentality by at least a half. He turns back to give April a glance of reassurance, both agreeing that before they were meta-adults in the name of loving; they were children, terrified children who were undergoing a trauma unlike ever before.

Children who were in need of the warm comfort of their fathers.

“Daddy…” Donnie whispers, his lanky legs shaking and threatening his state of balance as he stumbled into the direction of his parent, curling into a ball in his protective arms. Splinter held his child as tight as he possibly could while still treating him with the delicacy of a feather, stroking his head at the same rate as his breathing increased.

Donnie held as tightly as possible onto his father’s robe, wishing he could shelter his face within it as he did as a child spooked out of bed from a nightmare. Wishing he could eradicate the surrounding smell of blood, the smell of death and the smell of grief from his psyche permanently.

As much as he desired to hide in cloak of his father, for the remainder of eternity, the sound of Raph’s stirring set him off into alertness.

He could not forget the dominating principle – his role as a medic always came before his casualty of grieving.

April was already lingering over Raph, worriedly stroking his arms. Donnie walked over to his older brother, Splinter peering behind him. Just as he began to check his vitals for a double check, his emerald eyes cracked open, immediately sithering over the pain in his legs.

 He cried in pain, Donnie and April preventing him from jumping right out of the bed. Splinter jumps up to grab his child’s wrists, attempting at a lullaby that he would sing to comfort them as children.

“Raphie,” Donnie says, breaking the silence that stung all of those in its capacity with a static suffocation. “I’m so happy you’re okay.”

“Donnie? He asks, holding a palm to his forehead in an act of fear, confusion, and pain. W-What happened?”

“Raph, do you remember what happened back there?” Donnie asks him.

“Y-Yeah,” Raph shudders, his skin blanketing with chills as the memories flash before him. “B-But what happened after I passed out?”

April put a hand to his shoulder, her fingers trembling against his skin. He looks up at the three of them in vulnerability, shaking his head and pushing head through the middle to glance around the middle of the room.

“What the fuck Donnie,” he says, bitterness stinging his voice. “Why would you leave Casey on the floor like that? What the hell is wrong with you?! He’s gonna die like that, fucking retard!”

“Raphael,” Splinter begins with a crack in his voice, seeing that Donnie and April did not have the strength to muster a response.

“What, Master Splinter? Aren’t you going to do something about this? Why aren’t you helping him?” Raph asks, tears running down his cheeks like he already knew that he was only lying to himself.

“Raphael, Casey Jones is not with us anymore,” Splinter says.

“No,” Raph says, “That isn’t true! Why does everyone keep lying to me?! Mikey’s dead too, isn’t he? ISN’T HE?!”

“No baby, Michelangelo is going to survive,” Splinter says, unable to resist his tears.

Raph’s pathetic cries of pain patter into sobs of one that is lost so far into a deep black hole that they can’t find their way home anymore. Splinter holds his child and cries with him, unable to move his eyes from Leo’s vegetable like form.

 Donnie turns around aggressively, locking his eyes onto the floor and subconsciously digging his nails into his cheeks. April reaches out for his shoulder timidly and squeezes it, hoping to find some sense of more whole by holding his arm.

Yet then air felt spicier than it should have, the sensation of the tingling of flames enveloping around her skin. The thumps in the floor shook inches deep into her bones, hazing the broken feelings into those of anger and violence, telling her that the threat was definitely not over.

“Didn’t think I’d just go miss out on all the fun, did you all?” she hears, turning her wide eyes up towards the space behind them to see a man covered in blood and dirt and a lust for murder, a man no other than The Psychologist himself, standing right in front of her.

 


	26. The Retribution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Sarr here. I apologize for the slow updates (like mega crazy apologize) but I’ve been insane busy between school, work, relationship, friends, health etc., but I am hoping to finish this story before its one year birthday (Feb 20) as it ends at chapter 30! And for those of you who have kept tabs on my author’s notes since Chapter 1, you (and this story) as ran with me through the craziest times of my life, and you all have watched me have the best time of my life, the worst, and the biggest character development as both a writer and a person that I will ever go through, and I just wanted you all to know that I have been successful with recovery and happiness and I’m living the life as you may call it. Thank all of you for sticking around, it means the entire world to me. 
> 
> And with that, back to the story!

 

      The sickening crack of lightning that carried the voice of the ghastly man was a pang against the already broken bones in the souls of the broken family, staring with eyes that were less so in shock as in paralyzing fear; one of the only emotions that the remembered how to feel. Before a move could be made, his laughter echoed against the screaming walls, the kind of laughter that sneaks under the goosebumps in your skin and threatens to eat you whole. Still holding onto the bleeding bump on his head, he eyes the chaos and bloodied bodies with a canvas of something between lust, exhilaration and satisfaction, before turning to the eyes looking back at him with the same sort of aphotic cravings.

“Looks like old toothless over here made a bad move, now didn’t he?” he cackled, casually leaning over a countertop. “You couldn’t expect me to be so rude not to stop by when there’s been a death in the family. Or _deaths,_ shall I say.”

“I cannot decide which you have more of, audacity or valor, by showing up here. Or perhaps, it’s simply a black despondency since you have nothing left to eat off of,” Splinter whispers dangerously, the poison of a scorpion whipping off his lips.

“That fate will always be non-existent, my sweet and dearest friend. Once a soul has been devoured, there will always be some left to satisfy my yearning. All of you are still here before me, are you not? Fresh prey to continue the thriving of my aptitude. I can see that the little one is still breathing; did your mother never teach you to always finish your meal?” he replies, and knocking out Kirby with a stroke of the pressure point as he sensed his presence behind him.

“Did your mother never teach you to not hunt the offspring of a rabid animal?” Splinter says, a tone of silent indifference that screamed danger louder than any of them had ever heard.

The Psychologist laughs, the tainted grin on his face only ripping wider and exposing more dirt and dried blood that harvested there. “Finally, after so long you have come to accept your identity: nothing but a filthy and docile beast.”

A blur of blue slaps against the air as Leo pounces at him, moving faster than the wind with a hold stronger than gravity itself. His eyes look so far gone into insanity that he could even be considered unnerving to his loved ones, and most certainly to the enemy that lay until his bloodthirsty gaze.

“Now Leonardo, out of all of the players I had in this little puppet show of mine, your ending kismet may have been just about the most intriguing,” the man mocks, cupping Leonardo’s shivering cheek, “It is always a thrill to see someone so strong and so self- assured turn into scarred lunatic with a look that almost even makes me feel bad.”

Donnie scoots up to leave a blood-stained hand on his oldest brother’s shoulder, April on the other side and Splinter hovering over him. Leo’s eyes began to twitch as he tightened his grip around his adversary’s neck, a crack in the edge of his smile as he watches the pale skin began to fade of color.

“Not yet, my child,” Splinter says, “Those who besiege with my children do not get such a merciful fate,” slicing the blade with a move that was simultaneously graceful and powerful enough to amputate the man’s hand clean off.

The Psychologist naturally screamed in pain, attempting to escape his imprisonment.

“The loss of a hand erases a spectrum of abilities – not only severing a limb but severing one’s connection to every day capability. You would not want your final moments of living to be without no hands at all, would you?” Splinter whispers, his face close enough to feel his hot and fast paced breath.

April winces at the gore, and even with the hatred in her heart she longed for at least one second to shelter herself from violence. She decides to comfort Raph instead, who is longing to bust from his cords to participate.

“Every second that you do not confess will be another part you will lose, until you are nothing but soup of deranged body parts and no longer recognized as the despicable carcass that you are. Do you understand?”

“My superiority in the universe gives me great responsibility, the responsibility of keeping the weak fed on in order to enhance the strong. I have always been so fascinating by the brain of a psychopath, those who truly obtain this purpose. What was the best part of it, you may ask? The sport that comes with ripping a damaged mind apart. When my destiny told me of Donatello, I was more thrilled than one human can handle for an entire lifetime. The same old game gets old, and one with a twist could even bring my old bones back to life. However, a game with a twist always has a twist in the playing rules; a lot of the damage was done by the characters themselves,” he smiles.

“That explains nothing,” Donnie aggresses, threatening the swipe of a match towards the man’s eye.

“My darling, you never did have the advantage with patience,” he says. “Just because you knew how to light a fire didn’t mean that I couldn’t have the pleasure of spreading it. It didn’t mean that I could not get the satisfaction of the taste to destroying an innocent soul, the power to bring individuals with such strength and potential to pathetic leftovers of their own demise. The baby Michelangelo is not an unintelligent child; only a fool do to his amount of love. If I would treat his death-ridden and outcast of a big brother, he would get better. Only with the simple cost of coming over afterwards to be my non-protesting under any circumstance little friend. It all makes sense, does it not? How incredibly easy it is to pull the string that unlaces the entire plot.”

Donnie stares at the wall in front of him in horror, his red eyes swelling further and his veins crawling with the brand of guilt that burns you down to center of every cell in your body.

The horrible, unspeakably traumatizing violence that struck his baby brother was because of _him._

“Not too long after this factor not only got me access inside but gave me the pathway to destroying one member of the family, I got the key to the pathway that would destroy all of the others. With a broken leg, Michelangelo would never be able to be identified as a rape victim and the plan would not come to a subtle termination. Raphael and his inability to think would get into more trouble on his own, jumping to violence at the first blame he would hear. Leonardo was mentally unhinged and so deep into his identity crisis that he was the easiest to manipulate, even though I was not the one who originally planted that weed. Drugs were the final factor to his destruction, and he was stupid enough to take the offer. Splinter, who is too pig-headed to think that any of his lesser have a voice, would always believe a professional other than some whining teenage brats who have had behavioral issues of late as it is. Out of you all, that frail little redhead was the biggest threat of all – because she has the exact same power as I do. She was to be rid of, and the little brat that watched it happen knew that the spilling of his mouth would be the brutal murder of his entire family,” The Psychologist smirks.

“What do you mean by share the same abilities?” Raph whimpers, his voice shaking as April restrains him.

With a stroke of his head, the rays of his mind blew all of them straight off of himself, green flashing in his eyes.

“The power that lies within the mind,” he says, pulling himself up and disappearing from the infirmary.

Splinter is instant to chase after him, Donnie and Leo behind his heels. April trembles in fright and yanks at her hair, deciding that her own need for vengeance would over power the child in her that begged for freedom. She kisses Raph on the cheek, who is starting to hyperventilate from the inability to chase as well.

“Raphie, you are not well enough to come along. You need to calm down and stay here with Mikey, alright? I’ll be right back; I promise,” April says, holding his cheek and throwing herself out of the bed.

She ran as fast as she possibly could, her adrenaline overpowering the weakness in her body. She knew where to follow by the path of blood from the severed limb, losing her sense of breathing and balancing and she forces herself to continue keeping her focus on the rate of her racing feet. She soon was met with the others, where The Psychologist was now unable to escape Splinter’s grasp in the same part of the sewers where The Psychologist had kept his hold on her, once a time ago.

“For a man who is not of many words, I have never had more words to say than I must say to you,” Splinter says, his claws so deep into the man’s neck that it was punctured with new streaks of fresh blood. “            You can do whatever you wish to me, my state is expendable and the fact of my inability to trust my loved ones is no one’s fault but my own. Everyone is accountable for their own actions in a way, and I will not excuse what you have done to my other sons but what you did to my baby is the reason that I will not sleep again until I have the satisfaction of seeing you hang by your own intestines.”

“Oh what, Michelangelo you speak of? For one that seems so useless in everyday life, he sure is one hell of a toy. Those big blues eyes looking at me so innocent and terrified and broken; just the thought alone can make me climax. He sure was fun to break, knowing that I caused that big innocent smile turn into nothing but another broken toy,” he taunts, his voice raspy and spitting blood.

Splinter cuts into his abdomen in response, using the same blade that he had used to severe the hand. Natural human tears spore out of the evil eyes, but the core of obscenity in his pupils proved that no part of his soul could ever be human.

Before Splinter could stab him again, Leo shoved him viciously out of the way, swiping the knife and puncturing the man’s shoulder. 

As hard as he tried to speak, the only thing his body allowed me to do was continue to brutally stab the disgusting being, growing slightly more alert to himself as the blood squirted against his face. Splinter held back April and Donnie, knowing that even for them it would be dangerous to interfere.

“Leo!” a voice cried out vulnerably, and they turned around to see Raph panting and crawling towards them, dragging his injured legs behind him.

“Raph! I told you to stay behind!” April cries, Donnie running over to pick him up and make sure he is alright.

“Sorry sister, but if there is a God, even he couldn’t stop me from watching this monster die,” Raph says, and with a tremble in her lip and closing of her eyes she comes to an understanding.

Donnie looks at Raph with fond over-protectiveness and then at April with love, and the back at the monster with enough hatred to wipe out the entire course of humanity. With a nod of determination, he sets Raph down and begins to walk over.

“Leonardo,” he says, holding his insane brother’s shoulder and throwing him to the others. “You will not kill him.”

“Donatello,” Splinter says in horror, “How can you wish to spare one who has done such atrocities such as- “

“This is all of you guy’s fight as much as it is mine, but it isn’t your battle to complete. If I don’t do this, I will never ever forgive myself. I’m the one who got us into this mess, and I will be the one to finish it,” Donnie says, his cold expression void of any kind of emotion for the moment. His family, including Leo, nod back in understanding.

“Donatello,” the lingering reprobate whispers hoarsely, “Is it you?”

“What do you think?” Donnie replies, playfully lacing the blood-soaked blade against the bruised and bloody neck.

 “I think that you have finally found yourself,” he whispers in return, “You have finally accepted responsibility for who you are. For what you caused.”

“I have,” Donnie says, “To the extent of reality. Most of us made choices that came back to bite us in the end. What happened to Mikey is a different story entirely.”

“Deep down, you know you always were in love with the idea of being in control. You were always envious of Leonardo, and you know that deep down inside you are content with the fact that you had control of this situation,” he mocks.

“The only thing I feel good about from all of this is that I’ve finally grown up as a person,” Donnie answers coldly, “And now I’m grown enough to have the strength to remove a monster like you from our Earth.”

“You’re in love with it, aren’t you? You feel the ecstasy chilling your veins at seeing me so weak and broken down and at your advantage, and your mind jumps at the thought of stealing the only bit of strength that I have left. You feel joy at the smell of my suffering and the biggest part of that is that you’re destroying a mind powerful enough to pull all of this together, a mind even more powerful than yours. You enjoy this not only because you hate me, or because I hurt your loved ones. You enjoy this because you hate yourself and you are the one who hurt them in the end, and you know deep down that you are just like me,” he spits.

Donnie trembles and slowly leans down to the deceasing foe, stopping his face just above his so that he swears he can even taste his breath. He was broken, and he was trying as hard as he could to not show that – but it was evident to anyone who looked at the cracked expression on his face that his action was purely a product of how broken he really was.

“Maybe you are a bit like me, in some ways,” he whispers, so that no one other than his opponent could hear, “But I will _never_ be like you.”

 With the last word spitted fiercely from his trembling bottom lip, he punctured the blade into the monster’s evil heart, watching the life spill out of his eyes and seeing it as the end of their pain and of their suffering. He pulls the blade back out again, and finally, with the back roll of the eyes and limpness of the still existing hand, the body beneath him falls cold.

The Psychologist is dead.

Donatello still holds the gory weapon above the corpse, his entire body convulsing and severe jerking in his mouth and eye lids. Splinter hesitates as he steps towards his child, swiftly grabbing the skewer from his grasp and throwing it on the other side. In response, Donnie just jumps into his father’s arms and sobs, curling up like an abused baby with no other protection to seek.

Splinter falls back with his child in his arms and cries with him, holding his lanky body the same way he would when he was a frail infant. Leo runs into his arms as well, finally cracking out of his psychopathic state and sobbing into the other side of his father’s arms. Raph crawls over as well, and April hangs herself over his side, all of them finally getting the chance to grieve.

Not just to grieve over the loved ones that they lost, but to the pieces of themselves that they lost along the way too.

“Shh,” Splinter soothes, trying to keep his own cool for the sake of the youngers, as he should have learned to do long ago. “It’s okay, my babies. Everything is going to be okay.”

“Daddy,” Raph says, peaking up his tired emerald eyes and looking up with a look of vulnerability, “Are you mad at me?”

“Why would I be upset with you, kodomo-chan?” Splinter asks, stroking his son’s tattered bandana.

“I-I killed the wrong person. I killed Fong, and he didn’t do it to Mikey, it wasn’t on him. I killed him father, I took his life,” Raph whines tearfully.

“Child,” Splinter sighs, “I would never be upset with you for protecting your family.”

They are quiet for a moment, eyeing the butchered corpse that continued to bleed in front of them.

“Dad, do you think that we are evil?” Leo asks. “You taught us that we should never cause harm to another living thing, that we shall not kill.”

“No, Leonardo. I said that the most important rule of being a ninja is to do no harm, unless you intend to do harm. By that I mean not to disrupt the harmony of the universe, not to interfere with the course of fate and life. When someone has come to destroy you, you shall always fight back. Both physically and psychologically, that man had come to destroy us, and that is an instance where killing is justified. After what he did to our baby, and the precious lives that he has stolen from us all, the retribution was justified,” Splinter says. “Evil must be repelled.”

“But what defines evil, exactly?” Raph says. “Where does the line cross?”

“That is a definition that cannot be explained in words, but by soul. A soul, of any type, knows how to recognize evil just by feeling it,” Splinter explains.

“Raph, do you remember when we helped Casey kill his father because he killed his sister?” Donnie says hoarsely, “That was a time that killing was justified. That was a time that we recognized evil. A-And what we did right now, that was justified too. No matter how scary it is to feel ourselves in that kind of place.”

April holds her hand to her mouth in horror of the whole situation, silent tears slipping down her freckled cheeks. “We just have to promise each other something, all of us. To reassure that something like this can never happen again.”

“What is it, little sister?” Leo asks.

“No matter what happens and in any turn of events, we all have to trust each other. We all must keep communication open, and understanding to what someone is going through even if it isn’t something you would imagine happening to them. Most importantly, we can never turn our backs on each other. The only way that something has the power to break us down is when we are not united,” she says.

They all close their eyes in thought, lightly stroking her delicate fingertips. “I promise,” Donnie says, holding the hand of his greatest love snuggly.

“I promise,” Raph says in return, followed by Leo and Splinter despite their behavior ever since the storm had first begun.

“Now, we must rid of this body so that we can be past what has happened here,” Splinter says, “And then we can finally have time to grieve.”

The crowd of distressed teenagers looks back at him, the overlay of their pupils fading from the undefeatable tasting for vengeance into a vulnerable child who has lost their life without physically dying. They nod back at him with bloodshot eyes, almost as if they were zombies psychologically created to convince Splinter that he was not, once as years ago, completely alone.

However, the drops of blood splashing ruthlessly off their tremoring fingertips and onto the terrain of the sewer tunnel of horrors was not an illusion whatsoever.

They circle around the corpse for a moment, the most demented sort of relief tugging at their hearts at every hint that confirmed the non-existence of the heinous soul that had previously occupied it.

“Master Splinter,” April murmurs, her voice meager and fragmented, “What are we going to do with it? It isn’t like we can just ditch him in the sewage for the humans to find or bury him where there is no soil.”

“Like every actual psychopath does; burning the evidence. Seems fitting to have a finalizing fate that he has a burial from the culture he came from, does it not?” Donnie articulates, monotonal.

If Raphael did not feel as if every fiber of his soul had been eradicated from the battered body that had housed it, he would have make a comment about how interesting it was that Donnie would know such facts.

“There is a pit a bit down south where we can start a fire. It may take longer than it would have with proper tools, but we have no time to stop home. We must leave at once,” Splinter declares.

“April and Raph are in no shape to be taking excursions,” Donnie protests, “Now that the immediate threat is terminated, they need to make sure they take it easy before we lose even more. I’m going to carry our cadaver over there, because that is simply my responsibility to do. You two need to take care of April and Raph.”

“Donatello, I really do not wish for you to be- “

“With all due respect father, it is not up for debate,” Donnie interrupts, the transparency of his expression lacking any evidence of feeling whatsoever. “Leo,” he says, turning towards his oldest brother.

Leo turns back to him, his torn bandana uneven and blocking the enmity for existence in his glance.

“You’ve been incredibly brave tonight, braver than I would have been in a thousand different dimensions if I was in your place. I’m just asking if you could stay brave a little longer and help Raphie and carry him until we get him back to the infirmary safely. Do you think that you could do that?” Donnie requests in the most tender fashion that existed in him.

Leo looks back to Raph, unable to express emotion as the others but his sense of brotherly overprotectiveness immune to his emotional outburst. He nods, cradling Raph and carefully lifting him onto his shoulders.

“Thank you, Oni-san. I knew there would never be a mission too hard for you,” Donnie reassures.

Although hearing such phrases typically made the leader thrive, hearing the words triggered the self-deprecation more intensely than he had ever felt it before. And frankly, that’s saying something.

He begins walking ahead of the others, not bothering to turn and look behind him.

“April, baby,” Donnie says, leaning down and breaking even more when she winces at the stroke of his bloody hand, “You know I would give anything to take care of you right now. But this is something I must do, and I’m going to have to leave you with Sensei for now. You understand, right Princess?” he says, shuddering in a melancholic surge of nostalgia by the old nickname.

“Of course, I understand,” she replies simply, giving a tiny nod of reassurance and pushing the dirty tangled hair out of her face.

Splinter hoists the frail girl over his old hold, making sure that Donnie is okay before he lifts the bloody corpse. Despite his tendencies to be emotional, he looked completely un-phased by carrying the body and following along.

“Are you sure you are emotionally stable enough for this, my son?” Splinter whispers nervously.

“We just need to get it over with, there’s no one or two thoughts into it,” he replies, all of them silently following the trail to the place of disposure.

The silence followed as Splinter ignited the flames using the emergency kit that was stored in his robe, uncomfortably wrapping itself tensely into the atmosphere and nesting into their spirits. The fire took agonizingly gradual to expand, dancing to the song of liberation in the reflection of their faded irises and appeasing the chill in their hearts with the heat that reflected upon their skin.

Donnie angrily slammed the corpse into the simmer, lacking the stomach to cater it any longer. The smell of scorching flesh told him that the haunting was finally on its way to non-existence, and the thought alone was almost comforting enough to even make him smile.

Time became nothing more than an illusion, distorted amongst the smoke that blanketed them and stretched to a point of invisibility. In the shelter of the darkness, the sky could not rely on its light to reveal itself, as length was measured by nothing other than the time it took for the blaze to swallow the corpse within its loins. Sadistically enough, the heat of the fire was a good thing, and it made them feel like maybe, finally, this whole thing could be over.

But with those they had loss, the world truly will never have as much color, no matter what.

“Donatello, I think it is time to- “

“NO,” Donnie snaps back far too aggressively, a sociopathic tone that makes his father’s skin crawl. “You guys need to head home. Raph and April need to rest and we left Mikey all alone, and Casey and Karai can’t just lay there. Get out of here and I’ll be home soon.”

“My child, I do not feel comfortable leaving you here by yourself,” Splinter says, his voice cracking and finally surrendering to his emotional torture.

Donatello turns back to face him, a hint of fondness lingering in his storm. “Dad, I promise that I will be fine. This is just something that I need to do if I ever want to be okay again. Take them home.”

As a father, he wanted to refuse and coddle his child to a place of safety. As a teacher, he knew that his boy was becoming a man and must make amends with his demons if he wanted to be truly a warrior.

With hesitation, he nodded.

Donatello held his hand within the smoke, watching the gas flow freely through the gaps in his fingers. It symbolized the feeling of freedom flowing through his veins, freedom of the demons who had intoxicated his blood and freedom of the confines that had prevented him from knowing the feeling of being alive. With the heat reflecting against his cheeks he knew that overbearing pain was a necessity to understand being alive at all, necessary to kill the past self that is small and unprepared and free the true soul he was meant to be, to liberate the warrior inside of him. He knew that Casey would be so proud, and that everyone else will be proud of him too. He knew that all this pain is what it took to fix him, and now it was his turn to fix those who got caught into it so they could be better of themselves too.

Most of all, he knew that as The Psychologist died that night, so did he. Not in the way that a part of him died when he lost his best friend, because that part of him had died too. The difference stood between the lines of the fact that every part of him that he had hated, every part of him that constantly battled, and every part of him that was tearing him apart had burned that furnace with the monster who had fueled them.

He and his family were free.

Casting the sewer water into the flames he destroyed their simmering, assuring that it would not spread to destroy his home. The remains of the monster were nothing but ashes, promising him that he would truly never return.

Despite how unsanitary it was, he splashed the sewer water onto his own self, desperate to wash away the blood and craving the feeling of anything refreshing to relieve the heat in his skin.

He finally started to cry.

X

The previous ear wrenching chaos that had haunted the infirmary had been sucked into a still silence, coated softer than the silence suffocating the fireplace but still melancholy enough to drain color of all that was trapped beneath it. Michelangelo had not moved or changed state whatsoever since they had seen him last, Kirby remained asleep, April and Raph had involuntarily passed out due to exhaustion from the adrenaline and physical activity from their strained bodies. Leo had moved to tuck Casey and Karai’s bodies securely under a blanket, silent tears accompanying his heavy breathing as he kisses his lover’s blanched face goodnight. Watching his son brought Splinter a kind of pain he had not felt for years, a pain that he had not known since he had lost his love himself.

Even if she had a history with his enemy Saki and even if she birthed his child, Shen was the only true love that he will ever know. No pain had ever been greater than losing her, the image of her lifeless body and of the weapon slicing through her delicate and precious body forever engraved into his mind.

The irony of the situation, and probably why it had hurt him so bad, was that somehow years later he was watching his baby boy undergo the exact same thing with the loss of Shen’s baby girl, the love of his life. The child who had secretly been so much more like her mother than like her father, and the child who Splinter had judged and misunderstood. The child who had saved his own child, the child who had the same amber eyes that her mother had, the child who he had degraded just by knowledge of her upbringing, the child that is gone forever.

The way he had treated her would haunt him forever, and he just wishes that both Shen and Leonardo as well as Karai herself could forgive him for it.

He decided to walk forward and rest a paw on his son’s shoulder, feeling him jump beneath his touch. When his baby’s eyes turn back towards his, he feels a tear slide down his own cheek, flashing back to the familiar anguish and even stronger knowing that the hell he had went through had cast itself upon his Leonardo.

“She is proud of you, Leonardo,” he tells him.

Leo is silent for a moment, battling the urge to give into himself. “There is nothing to be proud of.”

Splinter sighs, forcing his son to sit down with him. “You saved her, Leonardo. You may think you have done the opposite, but that is not at all true. You were the one to help her understand herself, and in the end, that is everything. She was ready to move past this dimension and because of you, she understands. She knows that you are strong enough to look after the Earth while she is gone, and then you will one day join her to move on through eternity, as true lovers do. Losing a soulmate is more painful than anything you could possibly encounter, baby. Of course, the pain you are feeling is unbearable just from losing a friend, as you have lost one of your best friends as well. The scar from that is deep and it always will be; but by losing her, you feel as if you lost a part of yourself.”

Leo begins to tremble, his father stroking his skin tenderly with affection.

“It feels as if you are never going to recover, as if life itself now seizes to exist. You have forgotten the taste of color and of light, and your care for the world no longer exists. You know that the gaping hole in your heart is too deep to survive, and that you will fade away into the darkness, as she was your reason to live. You feel as if the moment she lost her life, you have lost any trace of yours.”

Leo is crying now, a pathetic squeak that depicted how emotionally lost he is, unconsciously pushing himself deeper into his father’s chest.

“However, you will learn that you have not. It will take a while, and it will be the hardest test that you could ever undergo. You will always have that piece of you missing and you will never be free of the pulsing anguish in your soul, until the fateful day that you are reunited once against. Yet, other things will grow on top of that anguish, and you will remember what it is to feel other things. Color will slowly return into your world, light granted in the most randomized blessings, gifts brought to you by her spirit in the clouds above you. You will know that her one wish was for you to be happy, and that your one wish was to do the same for her. You will learn that you must keep your commitment and make her happy by making yourself happy, and you will find out what it is to live again. You will feel pain, it will always be there, but you will also be happy and very much alive, and she will be holding your hand the entire way through. You are going to make it through this Leonardo, you are going to survive. And the way that you four were my light after the blow of losing my love, you will find a light to guide you through the way. The hole still exists in me, but I also have the joy of being alive, of being happy. And whether it seems that way or not, right now, I understand you more than anyone in the world, my son.”

Leo finally sobs and clings onto his father, allowing himself to be coddled for hours on end. Donnie had come home and the room had stirred, but his focus was locked on his father’s words and on his protective arms comforting him.

Splinter looked at his children with fondness, looking at the roof and knowing that Tang Shen was with him through this time. Knowing that she was given light of being returned her baby girl, and how they would catch up on how alike they are, and all the antics that Yoshi and Leo share. He knew that the same way Shen held light upon him, Karai held light for Leo, and maybe his child even wandered upon the thought that he was going to be okay.

It would be the hardest mission they will ever have, but with the help of each other and of the light above them, they all were going to get through this.


	27. The Aftermath

Pain.

The dictionary defines it as either physical suffering or discomfort due to illness or injury or a great care or trouble. A child would describe it as the harmony shattering sensation granted by falling off the slide, in much simpler terms than someone who has got around to knowing it. They do not have the capacity to imagine your body falling apart inside and out, to imagine ripping your heart from your own grasp, to ponder deciding that death would be a better option.

Compared to the common adolescent, and especially one with such a sheltered upbringing as he did, Michelangelo knew pain a little too well. He knew it from the shattering of skin and from the venomous burning from inside out, and none of that had to do with being a ninja. He knew hurting in his head even though he believed he had no reason to, he knew the hurt from looking through the mirror and not recognizing his own reflection. He knew the pain of thinking that death was the better option, and even the pain of not being sure if he was still alive.

When consciousness had once again forsaken him, he knew that the pain was there, only because it _had_ to be, because he didn’t remember being without it. The thing that alarmed him was that as soon as the memory of his last circumstance creeped back into his head, he didn’t even feel the pain at all.

Only because the fear and shame was thick enough to overshadow his selfish emotions for a thousand decades.

He sensed presence around him, which laid goosebumps on his arms and a rush through his tummy. He didn’t have enough energy to see or to hear, but he very well was alert enough to remember what had happen and intuitive enough to know that he wasn’t alone.

He wondered if he would awake to find the monster, to find his brothers’ corpses surrounding him, to be brought back to his torture forever and eternity until his body seized to function. Such a thought made him uneager to find out, hiding in the comfort of the prison in his own mind. A prison that had melting walls and a floor made of spikes, but a prison that kept him isolated at least.

Nevertheless, he cared for his family more than he cared for himself, and if there was any way he could do something to help them in the slightest, he would endure all the torture in the universe.

He could hear first, hear harsh breath coming down onto his chest, harsh in the way that was more so afraid, more so longing. More familiar – in the fashion that allowed him to feel like a child.

He built the bravery to open his eyes, blinking a few times to grow accustomed to the colors and light of his surroundings. His eyes rolled around his head, more so to wake up more inside than out. The presence of a figure set him into defense, his first instinct to ball up protectively until he felt the pain of knives slicing into his chest, forcing him to straighten with a shriek of agony. He jumped even more at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder, the fingers lacing delicately on his skin. His pupils finally rotated into plate, recognizing the amber eyes of his father in front of him.

Splinter stared speechlessly at his crippled child, his body shaking and lips quivering to make out a word of comfort. His eyes were full and he had never once appeared so smart, so broken. He desired to rip his child free from the constraints and clutch him tightly to his chest, never allowing him near the face of danger again. Yet in reality, he was even too afraid to touch him.

“ _Father,”_ Michelangelo mouthed, for a minute feeling the poignant urge to hide for shelter in Splinter’s cloak, to snuggle into his protective comfort. He knew that he wasn’t a child anymore and that things aren’t going to be that way again, and that he doesn’t deserve affection from _anyone_ much less his family, but those conflictions just made it all much devastating.

He feels one salty tear conjure in his eye, forcing its way onto his cheek once he must blink. The crawling of the droplet down his slit cheek is agonizingly slow, patronizing in the way that every flashback of his wrong doings and dishonor is served in front of him. In the way that he knows he has disappointed his father, his brothers, himself. In the way that besides the two of them, the room rests in complete vacancy, and that means his weakness has probably cost his brothers as well.

Once the second tear emerges, he just isn’t able to stop.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters, hoping that he isn’t heard but just unable to resist, hating himself more every second that his father emptily stares at him.

His breathing harshens as he begins to ponder the danger of his brothers, and the way he would not be able to survive if he had lost one of them – how he would live anyways to torture himself if it had been his fault.

“ _I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m- “he_ jerked, his head spinning and making it too difficult to tell which parts of his body the pain was shooting from. His stuttering speak is silenced by his Splinter’s paw clasping over his mouth, affirmative and simultaneously gentle.

“Baby,” he says, his voice vulnerable and hurt, and Mikey knew that he must be afraid too. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

His almond shaded eyes are as distressed as they’ve ever appeared, and he had only seen him cry but a few times throughout their lives but it sure appeared that it was gonna burst at any second. His hand slipped from his son’s lips to both of his cheeks, his bony fingers shaking against the chubby torn skin.

“Y-you know what I did, don’t you?” Mikey asks, tightly clenching his eyes closed. “If you do not want me anymore, I understand.”

Splinter lets out a lone sob, nuzzling his head down into the uninjured portion of his child’s torso. He looks back up at him weakly, as if _he_ was ashamed. “I would never, _ever,_ not love you anymore, Michelangelo. The fact that you would even consider this reflects on how poorly of a father I have been to you. And I will be haunted for the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”

“I…I didn’t mean it like that,” Mikey says, a pang of guilt twisting his insides.

“No, child. My sweet, precious child. You have done nothing wrong. The reason I am here is to apologize to you,” Splinter rubs a thumb across his child’s bloodstained forehead.

“Apologize for what-?” Mikey winces, already feeling drifted from exerted energy.

“Because I have failed to protect you – because I have allowed you to be abused, to be violated, to be torn. Because I am supposed to protect you – and I have failed you as a father,” he says, suddenly breaking into sobs.

Mikey bites onto his bottom lip hard enough to make it bleed and shakes his head, opening his eyes in fright. This was all so unsettling, so abnormal, so wrong. He had a growing list of things he would fuck up and he was going to learn to stop it.

He himself was crying and the pain in his body taunted him to pass out, but he reached out and lay his hand on Splinter’s shoulder, squeezing it firmly. As a child, there is nothing more frightening than to see a parent cry – to see the one who was so determined to always be collected finally break down.

“It wasn’t your fault, Daddy,” he says, lightly leaning his chin up. “It wasn’t.”

Splinter takes a deep exhale, reminding himself that putting his own emotional turmoil before the needs of his children is what planted this mess in the first place. “Baby, Donatello told me what has happened to you.”

Mikey’s face pales but brightens in a way, assuring himself that at least Donnie is alright. He looks down in shame, feeling as if his naked body was thrown in the center of Times Square for everyone to look at – his soul vulnerable to be touched and damaged. “I-

“He told me that the monster had also said that it had been happening for a series of time, and that you did it in exchange for your brother’s treatment. Is that true, Michelangelo?” Splinter’s grip on his cheek begins to tighten.

Mikey is silent for a moment, unable to look back up at his father and keeping his glance on the strange shadowed part of the room with the beds that were concealed in sheets. He could only hope that the two of them were alone – physically. Not only because he needed everyone to be okay, but because in the sixteen years that he’s lived he has never known the true meaning of shame until this exact instance. “I-I’m so sorry.”

The pace of the tears wetting Splinter’s face pace faster, his ears drooping in dismay. “Oh god, oh _god._ ”

“I just was s-so scared and I didn’t know what to do and I was so freaking terrified because I could never imagine a world without Donnie and I couldn’t help but blame myself because I always made everyone’s life such a living hell and I would do _anything_ for him to get better and be happy again and then The Psychologist came like an answer to my prayers and I knew that I could save Donnie and it didn’t matter what I went through but then I saw how angry you grew with Leo for some of the things he did with Karai and I just got so much more scared because I let him to do that to me even though it made me feel like I was burning alive I let him do it because I knew what Donnie would get out of it and I just felt so damn dirty and so damn used and filthy and unworthy and I started to hate myself to and I didn’t understand completely what was going on and I was just so scared-“ Mikey’s rant pauses when he father wraps his arms tightly around his baby boy, not fazed by the presence of the cords.

Splinter hugs him as tight as he can, yet with as much delicacy that existed in his body, for the child felt like he could snap in half just from the slightest touch. “You’re safe now, ako, you’ll always be safe. Papa’s got you. I will never _ever_ let anyone hurt you again, I swear it on my life.”

“Y-You’re not mad at me?” Mikey asks, so childlike and terrified and just a look could break his father’s heart.

“I would never be mad at you child, not mad at anyone other than myself. I am the adult and more importantly I am the parent, and it is my responsibility to keep your four safe. I have failed, but that will change now. I will never let the evil in the world harm you ever again. Never _ever_ even let it cross your mind that you are ever an inconvenience to this family; you are the only glue that holds us together, our beautiful sunshine that is the only thing that can keep us alive after so long in the dark. And no matter what happens, you will always be my precious baby boy,” he whispers, kissing his temple and slightly rocking him, feeling the beats of the heart monitor soothe.

“My brothers – they are okay? Oh god, he didn’t hurt them, did he? He couldn’t have-

“Your brothers are okay, nikko. Raphael was shot in the legs but he is alright. He is resting in his own bed, as are the others. They’ve underwent an extremely tough night,” Splinter’s anxiety fuels, knowing that soon some news would have to broke.

“And what if he comes back?! Mikey panics, “He obviously knows that they know, and he knows that they would tell you. He says that if you all find out, you’ll be murdered and tortured and discarded because that’s me breaking the rules. We must get out of here; oh god, his telepathy lets him see where we are going! It’s how he caught April and how he knows that I let her see what happened and-

“You do not have to worry about that, child. You do not have to fear that man anymore, and he will never harm any of us ever again,” Splinter says firmly.

“I know father, but the thing is you don’t understand how much power he has, it’s like he isn’t even human-

“The Psychologist is dead, Michelangelo.”

“Wait,” Mikey replies, trying to contemplate a universe where he can no longer be taunted by that monster, “He’s…dead?”

“I am sure of it, child. His body has been burned to ashes. And I know it is revaluating news, to know that you are free of your aggressor, but you do not need to know the details until you are in better health – physically and emotionally.”

Mikey is silent for a moment, his gaze drifting into space. “I guess you’re right. I need to see my brothers, dad. I need to see with my own eyes that they are okay.”

Splinter sighs, tears returning to the basis of his eyes. He squeezes his boys hand, dreading what was to follow.

Mikey’s chest bursts with anxiety, stung by his father’s reaction. “They aren’t mad at me, are they? Oh Jesus, they totally have every right to be mad at me. Of course, they’re mad at me! Especially Raph, because I lied to him and he killed a man because of it!”

“They aren’t mad at you little one. They would never be mad at you,” he says, his voice emptying.

Mikey begins to tremble, his heart monitor creeping towards a soaring rate and his lip progressively trembling too much for him to bite it for control. “Th-Then why can’t I see them?”

There’s something about the atmosphere of something horrible, the aura of the person who burdens a case of tragedy, making itself so gloom and so dire and so presentable without its physical presence. Mikey was an absolute hurricane right now, but even his intuition could sense that.

“Michelangelo,” he starts, “How much do you remember from what happened between the time that your brothers arrived for you?”

“I-I don’t remember a lot, my brain blanked out before my body did. It tends to happen when he is – with me. All I remember is Raph. He came in before the others, I remember him calling my name and I remember seeing him. I even remember having a conversation with him – I saw him get shot. I was trying to keep him awake and I wanted him to get away. I think I saw Leo too, and I know there was others too but I couldn’t really tell whom; everything was so hazy. I think that’s when I lost consciousness,” Mikey says, his chest visibly bouncing up and down.

“Before he had left with you, The Psychologist had tea with me in the dojo. The tea he served me contained an intoxicant, an anesthetic more specifically. When I awoke, my body was unable to move, and it felt as if I was paralyzed. April had woken from her coma, and as soon as her consciousness returned, her first thought was you. Karai was here, and she was trying to get Leo to listen to her about The Psychologist, but he was rude towards her. Once April had a breakdown about it, your brothers went with Karai and Casey to go find you.”

“Shit…” Mikey says, giving Splinter a passive look to excuse disrespectful language. “April, she’s okay, right? Oh god, I missed her. I need her to be okay,” he says, his voice cracking.

“She is fine-

Splinter is interrupted by the slamming open of the door, a thin nervous figure in the doorway. Donatello is standing in the door way we overwhelming sinking black eyes, his figure frail and shaken. “Mikey,” he says, tears falling as he runs to his brother, hugging him as tight as he could.

“Donnie-bo, you must get back to bed. I told you that I would look after Michelangelo,” Splinter says firmly.

“I’m not leaving him,” Donnie whispers.

“Donatello, we were just in the middle of a critical conversation and you have put yourself through enough. I do not believe you are emotionally healthy enough to be here for this, and you know we have a hard day ahead of us in the morning-

“I am not leaving my baby brother, Sensei,” Donnie says, and something in his voice makes Splinter understand.

Donnie turns back to Mikey, rubbing his finger along his face to make sure that he’s not dreaming. “Donnie?” Mikey feebly inquires, and Donnie holds his brother and collapses into absolute lament, ugly bawling that Michelangelo had never even quite heard from his brother.

“I love you Mikey, Jesus Christ I love you. I love you more than the whole entire universe, baby brother. I’ll never let you go, okay? You saved me. You are so brave Mikey, braver than I could ever be. I could never be without you, throughout our whole lives I could never be without you. I’ll take care of you, take care of you until the day we both perish. I love you,” Donnie wails.

“Don’t cry D, please don’t cry,” Mikey pleads. “I’m okay, see? I’m fine, I’ll always be fine. I’m perfectly okay because of you guys. You saved me. I love you too D.”

Donnie weeps intensely, the sound similar to a pain induced shout. “I-I-I thought he was go-gonna die too.”

Mikey’s face recolors to a nauseated form of pasty, his bleeding mouth hanging slightly open and his pupils completely dilated inside their irises. “What?”

Splinter groans in frustration, but knows that he cannot scold Donatello for acting impulsively through grief – he is but a child himself. “Donatello? I have not yet explained to Michelangelo the tragedy that has occurred.”

“ _Tragedy_?” Mikey conveys skeptically. “What are you talking about? Sensei, you said that my brothers were okay. You wouldn’t lie to me, I know you wouldn’t. You started to say April is okay too and if she isn’t you would be lying, but I know you don’t lie. Casey isn’t afraid of anything and Karai is the most badass person to ever exist, nothing could catch Karai. I know she’s probably sleeping with Leo in his room like we planned they would, and she’s gonna see me and say _‘C’mon sport, I thought I told ya how to not get caught up by creeps’,_ and Casey will punch me in the shoulder but April will scold him because I got some pretty bad battle wounds, and then we will laugh and I will get better and we could go patrolling again – all of us. The way it’s supposed to be. That’s what Karai said, and I know she’d never lie to me either. Of course, she would lie to other people; she thinks other people are a big waste of time. She might even lie to Leo, but she would never lie to me. So, what exactly are you talking about guys? There is no tragedy. You must be so tired – it’s the only reason the smartest people I know would ever be so silly.”

Splinter clenches his own face, his grip on Mikey’s hand so tight that it can’t even be pinpointed. Donnie looks up at his little brother, who doesn’t even realize how hard he’s trembling. He had brutally murdered a man not but six hours ago, but suddenly he could not find a single harsh part of his spirit that could commit the crime of shattering the last piece of innocence the kid had left.

“I’m s-sorry, so so-sorry Michelangelo. I should have protected them better, I tr-tried.”

Michelangelo looks back at him sternly, his expression fierce and his lip damaged.

“She saved you, Michelangelo. She was the one to save your life. He had his blade, and he was going to slit your throat. You were going to be dead. None of us were fast enough, it was time in slow motion but seemed too fast to even move. But she was fast enough; she was a flame and she was a strike of lightning and she was there. She jumped in the way, and his blade didn’t harm you.”

“Okay and? She saved me. Of course, she saved me, she told me she always would. What is sad about that? I need to see Karai, Donnie. I need to talk to her about what happened.”

“Karai is dead, Michelangelo. She didn’t survive. Jumping in front of you was the only way to save you, and it struck her instead.”

Mikey does not reply, staring insanely at the distorted appearing wall in front of him. “Fucking bullshit.”

“Mik-

“No. That wouldn’t happen to Karai. She’s too strong, even for The Psychologist. No one can ever catch her.”

“He didn’t catch her; she sacrificed herself. She gave her life so that you would live,” Splinter says, as Donatello was obviously too unstable to talk any further.

“N-No, she can’t. Karai can’t leave me,” Mikey whispers.

“Ako I know-

“NO!” he screams, starting all three of them. “She isn’t gone! She wouldn’t! Leo wouldn’t let her do that, he wouldn’t let it happen! I fucking know he wouldn’t, I’m not as stupid as you guys think.”

“Michelangelo, Karai is no longer with us,” Splinter bluntly states.

“No,” Mikey begins to sob, with bloodshot eyes. “No, she can’t. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth anything! I’m just a stupid kid, I’m not fucking worth shit! Nothing would ever kill Karai, she’s Karai! No! She’s fucking fine!”

“Well my best friend is dead too, okay? We are in the exact same boat, Michelangelo. The Psychologist shot at me and Casey pushed me out of the way, and now he’s fucking dead too. He died right here, right in this very room. And Karai died there, in that disgusting house. They’re dead and I HATE myself for not saving them, but now I can’t do shit about it. I’m sorry Michelangelo, I’m so incredibly sorry,” Donnie says.

“N-No,” Mikey shakily responds, finally succumbing into his unraveling. Donatello follows him, their grief-stricken cries echoing throughout the haunting room. Splinter wraps his arms securely around his two youngest children, the three of them unwinding into agonizingly destress together. From the other rooms, Leo Raph and April could hear it too; a sound that would forever be engraved into the marrow of their bones. And they would cry with them – for tonight was the first night that the sun would rise into the world but not bring them any light.

X

Despite her threads of insecurities, she had always secretly been fond of her freckles, her blue eyes, her smile. They resembled that of her mother, and sometimes considering her own reflection was the only way to see her, her soft tone calling her a sunshine child before she felt asleep in the meadow.

For that, she liked to appear happy, she liked to admire her physical attributes. Yet on the grim noon of today, April O’Neil saw the color in her and could not resent something more.

_Color that had been completely void of her best friend’s skin that night, color that had been stripped directly out of his soul._

She grimaced in disgust, wishing she could rid herself of the shine in her golden ginger hair, of her sun kissed blushing cheeks, of her wide blue skied eyes. Everything in her that they didn’t have, and will never have again.

She frowned at herself and turned around, grateful that the only dress she owned happened to be black because she certainly didn’t feel up to going shopping. She had been with him when she had bought it, and she never thought she would have to wear it to an occasion as ghastly as so.

“April?” Her father’s voice from the doorway makes her jump, any sudden sound deceiving her that _he_ had come to devour them all, to take the rest that she had away from her.

“I-I’ll be just another second,” she says, pushing her hair behind her ear. She always hated something about feeling it on her shoulders, loose and vulnerable to yank into whatever sinkhole that would pass her.

“We are going to leave in five minutes. You know that Big Rock is a bit of a drive,” Kirby sighs nervously, “And I’m going to need your help, with gathering the boys and all.”

April nods affirmatively, knowing how much Casey would make fun of her right now if he could. _Or maybe he wouldn’t, because he tended to treat April differently than Raph._

Kirby hesitantly reaches forward, debatably afraid to approach his own daughter. He places a palm on her shoulder, heart dropping at her wince to his touch. “You’re being very brave, babygirl. I know you could hold on just a little longer.”

She tightens her grip on his fingers, similar to the way she would when she was just a frightened child. She looks at him passively, and that’s all he needs to understand a thank you.

She pushes her hair behind her ear and looks away, venturing to gather the boys for their journey.

Raph and Mikey were both in wheelchairs, due to Raph’s incapable legs and Mikey’s incapable _everything,_ just about. Splinter had pushed Mikey out first, who had passed her with smoked eyes and a face absolutely void of expression. Kirby had rushed to help with Raph, who was just as similar but for some strange predicament of occurrence Mikey appeared more wrathful and Raph appeared timid. She already knew that the coffins were in the van, coffins that she had helped Donnie construct years ago. He built them with a _just in case_ state of mind, knowing that if any family members passed he would be too distraught to build a resting case. She supposes that soon, she’ll have to help him build two more.

“April,” Master Splinter says quietly, softly massaging Michelangelo’s hand, “May you get Donatello and Leonardo? They’ll listen to you before me.”

“Of course, Sensei,” she nods in determination, knowing that _at least_ until they bury them into the ground, her grief was going to have to wait.

He smiles weakly in gratitude and continues, Kirby following shortly behind him. “We’ll be waiting in the van.”

She begins walking towards Donnie’s bedroom, her footsteps too light to make a sound but at the same time too heavy to keep balance. He was sitting on his bed and facing the opposite direction of her, a photograph of him with Casey in his grasp. Although she has said nothing, he can sense her presence, sense her eyes gazing at the back of his head.

If he wasn’t so distraught, he’d tell her how much he liked her hair down, and maybe how she sould wear dresses more often.

“It’s time, isn’t it?” he asks her.

“Yeah,” she sighs, “The others are waiting in the van.”

“Including Leo?” he inquires.

“Not quite,” she says sadly.

“Didn’t think so,” Donnie says, taking one last glance at the photograph and tugging it tightly into his belt, “I guess we’ll just have to talk to him.”

April strokes Donnie’s forehead and lightly kisses his temple, wrapping her fingers around his much larger one. His eyes made it obviously that he hadn’t gotten an hour to sleep, and even if she could have slept, she never could have with his cries that stung the night. “I love you, D.”

“I love you too,” he says, tightening her fingers and leading him away from the room, switching off the lamp and closing the door behind him.

Leo looked to be in a similar state as Donnie, but his glance was not fixed on anything in particular and his eyes manifested to be much more insane.

“Leo, big brother,” Donnie says, placing his brother’s hand in his own as April crowds around his other side. “Can you hear me?”

He turns to Donnie in response, the most interaction he’s shown since a breakdown.

“I know you understand what’s going on. I know you’re perfectly aware,” Donnie says, as April puts a hand on his shoulder.

“I hope you know that she’s here, she’s lingering over your back with tears in her eyes to see you this way. I know she’s not the type of gal to be a tearjerker either, but I know that being in love makes you do things that are pretty different from yourself, or maybe just the self that you thought you were,” he says, Leo clenching his eyes in response.

“But she’s here with you, and I heard what she told you before she passed. She had one dying wish and that was for you to be okay, and even though I struggle with having faith in spirituality I know now that she can never rest until her wish is fulfilled. You would never confine her that way.”

Leo seems to be ready to cry, his frigid state fighting with all of its might to keep the feelings from overflowing.

“Leo, we have to bury her today. It is the only way that we can respect her, her and Casey both. The only thing left we can do for them is to lay them to rest, and then to live our lives in triumph with their memory as our inspiration. It’s hard for us both to come to terms with, but we both know that it’s what they would have wanted – what they _did_ want.” Donnie continues.

Leo nods lightly, too weak to voice his thoughts.

“You know, out of all of the people in the world she would want with her when she’s buried, it’s you. She needs you there with her, so she can feel safe. She needs you,” April whispers.

“I understand,” Leo says, his voice cracking as his throat jumps at being in use. He starts to stand and loses balance, his body still recovering from shock. Donnie takes one of his hands and April takes the other, the three of them walking together, ready to take on whatever came for them.

The car ride was unbearably long, the time lapse most likely a result of the silence that suffocate all of the van’s patrons. Donnie would gorge his own eyes out before letting himself see out the window, too many tainted memories of the way he looked at the drive with the first feeling he had of being alive – with his best friend sitting at his side; and he knew that Raph was feeling the same way. Mikey, on the other hand, couldn’t move his eyes away from it – wondering how a world so beautiful could deal him a world so ugly.  Even in the car, Leo had not let go of April and Donnie’s hands, feeling the slightest bit of comfort in the warmth of their palms and his body chilled at the thought of how cold it must be inside of that coffin.

April could only bite her lip and try not to burst, craving any escape from the heat burning her insides that synched with the growling of the old retired motor on the van that too would soon be on its way out.

None of them had seen it coming when the croaky vehicle finally came to a stop, reaching its destination. Such a beautiful piece of their homeland that will forever be shadowed.

“Mikey and I can roll ourselves. There’s no way they’re going to be able to carry those things by themselves,” Raph says as they are urged out of the car. They nod in response, proceeding. Leo finally lets go as he is quick to grab the edge of Karai’s coffin.

“Leo, we don’t expect you to-

“No. I have to do it,” he responds, the first clear sentence he had dealt in a while. Splinter nods in understanding, knowing all too well the pain that his son was going through, and grabs the opposite end of the coffin.

“April, you still have to rest your body. You were in a coma for two months and we can’t just write that off. Kirby and I will carry Casey’s coffin, you just watch Raph and Mikey,” Donnie instructs.

“Are you sure you’re up to it D?” April says, her voice starting to cry.

“As Leo said – some things we just have to do,” he responds solidly, he and Kirby proceeding and all four bowing their heads and holding the coffins high on their shoulders.

April lightly pushes Mikey and Raph along, even if they pretend that they don’t want her to.

The world moves in slow motion, the dirt that was moist from a recent rain shower seemingly sucking them up at a gradual pace, devouring them into the same abyss that would devour the boxed corpses of their late friends.

Once they had arrived at the spot, the spot near the undisclosed waterfall and the large trees that they knew would be an appropriate resting place, they were all too afraid to initiate action first.

“This is not a funeral,” Donnie breaks the silence, “This is a burial ceremony.”

They would have teased on how it was even possible for a genius such as himself to understand such simple synonyms, but they decide against that.

“They don’t deserve to leave like this. It isn’t fair. None of it is fair, but some things are still in our control. They deserve to be buried out of respect their bodies, but they do not deserve to be memorialized when none of us are in our right mind, out of respect for their souls,” he continues.

“Donnie’s right,” Mikey says, his voice hoarse and weak. “Karai and Casey were two of the most extravagant, interesting and uplifting people I have ever gotten to know. For their memory to be acknowledged in anguish of expressing the grief of their deaths rather than celebrated in appreciation for their lives, for being in _our_ lives, just seems all kinds of wrong.”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Leo clenches, grabbing his shovel, “Let’s get this over-

“WAIT!” Mikey interrupts, making everyone jump. “First, you’ve got to open the coffins.”

“Michelangelo, do you not think such a notion is demented?” Splinter questions.

“I have to see them, one last time. I know everyone has one last thing they want to say to them, and if those things aren’t said it will eat us alive. They can hear us, I know they can,” Mikey answers.

“Very well,” Splinter responds, carefully opening the coffins and exposing the corpses that lay peacefully within.

“Wow,” April gazes, looking down at them and seeing they look nothing like they did the last time she had seen them. Karai once more wore her armor, but it was polished free of blood, her tantos tucked securely in her belt and her makeup freshly re-applied to her pale face. Casey wore his entire vigilante outfit, also clean of blood, his hockey mask over his face. “Wh-Who did all this?”

“We did,” Donnie replies, “Master Splinter, Mikey and I. We were up last night and we decided that they deserved some dignity, so we put something together.”

“I could have helped, you know,” Leo says shyly, “Raph and I-

“Not last night, you couldn’t,” Donnie recalls, “But that’s okay. You’re here now, and that’s what matters.”

Raph, who had been incredibly silent throughout it all, wheeled carefully towards Casey’s coffin, his eyes fixed on his best friend’s body. He carefully took one of his hands in his own, well fought off tears emerging in his eyes.

“Case, you bonehead,” he whispers, “How’d you go and get all fucked up like that? We get fucked up all the time man. A broken rib here, a concussion there. But we always got back up to keep fighting, to lose another tooth or something. Why can’t you get up now?”

No response – something that he thought he’d never hear.

“You understood me. The whole world against me all the time and then there was you, and you understood me. You listened and you helped, we fought together and we lived together and I thought hey, maybe this world ain’t turning out so bad after all. But then you just have to go out and get fucked up, didn’t ya. Classic,” he sighs.

“I’m not about to stand here and get all wimpy. I ain’t no pussy, even when you just gotta kick life the wrong way and it fucks me in the ass. I’ll save my sappy shit for the memorial, because there’s way more to say about Casey Jones than you can say right now without stalling the whole burial thing. But ya know, I just wanted to look at your stupid looking face and say goodbye one last time,” he says, a single tear falling down his cheek.

“Raph,” Leo puts his hand on his brother’s shoulder, “It’s okay, little brother. They understand. They can hear us. They understand.”

“I know,” Raph says, “But doesn’t it bother you? We can remember them all we want and with all that spiritual mojo, but we can never see their faces again.”

Leo clenches his eyes, tears sliding from the sides. “We can’t think of it that way, not if we want to survive.”

“You’re right Leo,” he says in defeat, “Always right.”

For the next few hours they sat in silence, all of them but Mikey and Raph digging and digging until there was suitable space, until the sun would set along with the caskets.

And then, they were buried. Secure and rested, and never forgotten.

And then, they had to go home.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	28. Hospice for Mentality?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys – Just wanted to check in and say those of you have stuck by my side throughout Fixing Donnie are truly a blessing to me. Within the next three chapters we are wrapping things up, and in the little over a year I’ve spent on this project it has brought me improvement as a writer, some of the best friends I’ll ever have and a way to stay connected with the girl who started this story, contrasting the girl who’s finishing it. This story hit me at the most impactful year of my life and was there though the hardest times I have ever seen, and the differences in my life from them and now are tremendous. Thank you all for walking through it with me, I hope that you will stay with me with new TMNT work and original work as well. I love you all.
> 
> And with that, here’s chapter 28!

 

The air was brisk in a sense that was too impossible to differentiate as mother nature’s method of comforting him or a mocking of the atmosphere that would swallow him whole, but Leonardo was beginning to think that it is just a compilation of the two. He had been sitting on their building for the past three days, acting in no pass time other than feeling the wind and trying to remember what her neck smelt like, staring at the summer clouds that lingered on to their presence in the sky. At least _someone_ had managed to stick around.

It had been a week without her.

He was aware enough to know his family must be worried for him, but also that they trusted him to keep himself safe and respected that he needed some time to think – closure, if that could even be a possibility.

The same string of stars had stayed in their place through these nights, watching over him since shortly after this time last year. They could almost be winking at him, either amused by his story or keeping him company, but either way their glow had dimmed since she wasn’t watching them beside him.

He caustically turned his glance to the floor under him, nostalgically watching the flashbacks of all that had occurred there with one swipe of his fingertip. He could almost hear her again, the venom in her voice with every flow from her smirking red lips, the vulnerability in her hazel eyes when her heart’s armor was removed. He could almost feel her delicate fingertips sliding up his arms, fingertips that had the power to heal your soul and also the power to destroy your body. But oh, _her body._  The way it glowed in the moon light as she moved so gracefully through the night, like melting into the New York breeze and turning something like violence into an art like no other.

Just a single look had the power to break his art into two.

He guessed that in death your powers may be amplified, because seeing her face lifeless in his arms had enough to take his broken heartstrings and engulf them whole without mercy.

He groaned and jumped from the rooftop quickly enough to startle the stars above him, ignoring the bruises that swelled on his skin as he recklessly swept down the building. As soon as his feet tasted the asphalt he let it carry him, like lightning that would subdue the flashbacks pounding the inside of his brain. He stopped when the asphalt turned to grass, falling to his knees and scrunching the dirt under his fingers.

“ _You mean, you’ve never been to a park before?” Karai asked, a curious smile creeping onto her moonlit skin._

_“I didn’t exactly have a lot of sunshine as a child,” he replies, “It was either the sewer pool the tunnels or nothing.”_

_“Oh geez, even my tragically melancholy childhood had a park trip here and there. Remind me to take you there, alright? Staying up here gets old after a while.”_

“I’m here, Karai,” he says to the sky. “I told you that I would come.”

“Cool place, isn’t it? Seeing this place makes me feel like my whole childhood was wasted away.”

He jumps at the intruding voice, seeing Michelangelo rolling his chair in his direction.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Leo says grimly, “You need to stay home and rest. You’re too injured to roam loose on the streets.”

“Oh, and you aren’t?” Mikey smiles weakly. “Injury isn’t just on the body, dude.”

“Touché,” Leo sighs, resting his chin on his arm. “How did you find me anyways?”

“Well, I had been following you for a while, using my super sick ninja stealth skills, but my body being pretty much deactivated kinda limited my options on where exactly I can follow you to. Staying on level ground is fair game, though, so here I am,” he explains, wondering why he was watching his brother so cautiously.

“Did father send you? He must have,” Leo inquires flatly.

“Father had nothing to do with it. He’s been talking with Mr. O’Neil, probably about medical stuffs, and I haven’t seen the others in hours. That must mean I either followed you because I was bored and lonely, or because I don’t want you to go through this alone. Which one do you think?” Mikey quirks his head innocently.

“Knowing you, it’s probably both,” Leo says, gesturing for his brother to come closer to him.

“You aren’t wrong,” Michelangelo giggles softly, leaving his bandaged hand on his brother’s leg.

The two sit in silence again for a moment, their glances stuck on a shadow that bounced up and down from and old tree branch. “I really miss her too, y’know,” Mikey says.

Leo sighs, taking refuge in his deep breaths. “You are the only person I know who knew what it was like to know her. The way having her around just electrified life and everything existing within it.” 

“She was the coolest person I ever am gonna meet, for sure. She was like a fairy, or a shooting star in human form,” Mikey’s eyes lit.

“Definitely had the fire for it too,” Leo laughs lightly. “But now I’m worried about the chance that without that I will never see light again.”

“Y’know, just because you can’t feel the fire doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I don’t wanna sound cliché or anything, especially since that kind of stuff made her puke, but just because you can’t see her physically doesn’t mean she isn’t here. She’ll always be with you Leo – that was one of my favorite things about her.  Behind her whole ‘bite me’ act she had a lot of love in her, and almost all of that she had for you. And when she was by your side, she damn well would stay there,” Mikey says.

“How did you get to be so smart?” Leo asks, biting a quiver from his lip.

“Little brothers tend to pick up on things,” Mikey offers a smile.

Tears start to bounce in Leo’s eyes once again, his stubbornness forbidding them from making their way out. He puts his hand back on Michelangelo’s.

“Leo?” Mikey asks, avoiding eye contact and sounding so much smaller compared to his previously positive approach.

“Yeah?” Leo responds.

“I-I know it’s my fault that Karai is dead. I was supposed to be the dead one and instead it was her, and I should’ve known better than succumbing to my weakness when I knew you guys were in danger. If I had done a better job a lot of this would have never happened, and Karai would still be alive. And if you want to hate me and leave me and never forgive me, that’s okay. I…I understand,” he says weakly, his voice starting to crack.

Leo only massages his forehead and breathes out in strain, proceeding to stand up and pick his brother up out of the wheelchair. He gently crouches back to the ground, cradling Mikey gently in his arms.

“Michelangelo - I never want to hear you say something like that again.”

“What, succumbing?” Mikey sweats, “I know it’s a weird word and I probably say it wrong but I heard Donnie-

“You know what I’m talking about.” Leo interrupts. “I never want you to blame yourself for what happened to Karai again.”

“Bu-But-

“Karai loved you, Michelangelo. You were the little brother she never had, and she only wanted to protect you. That’s why she intervened; she needed you to be okay. It haunts me every second on how paralyzed I was and how we could have done it differently, in a way that wouldn’t have taken them from us, but it is what happened and we can’t change that no matter what. Nothing in the situation was ever your fault – you were a victim more than anyone, in the whole thing. What that monster did to you, and what he did to them too, is not and has never been anything close to your fault. And no matter what happens, anything in the world that you can ever possibly do, I will always love you baby brother. Even if I had a sucky way of showing it,” Leo states firmly.

“I-I can’t believe she’s gone, just like that. I keep thinking it must be just a prank or something because stuff like that doesn’t happen to Karai. If it happened, it must have been because someone messed it up, it’s someone’s fault, it must be!” tears run down Mikey’s freckled cheeks, his brother wiping them away.

“It was someone’s fault, it was the fault of The Psychologist. He is the only one that we have to blame, and in one way or another _all_ of us became his victim. If anyone did wrong it was me, I was the one who left everyone for dead to selfishly hide from my own problems. I was carelessly making deals with the same monster who was hurting you, and that will haunt me for the rest of my life. But this is what Karai wanted – for you to be safe. And I never want you to feel guilty for that, little one. We are going to get through this together, and I promise that I will never leave you again,” Leo says, tightening his grip on his youngest sibling as his sniffles rise. He caresses his forehead to soothe him and rocks him gently, like he used to do when they were kids and Mikey was scared. He had always been a sucker for those big blue eyes.

Leo stares at the grass while he cradles his little brother, thinking about how she would look laying in it. She would make fun of how ridiculous he would look climbing into the playground, and push him down the slide unexpectedly only to kiss him once he got to the bottom. All the things that they could have done, if only he held himself together.

He finally allows one tear to fall, the one summoning the rest until his face was a wet shuttering mess that responded in shaking all of his bones. He began to sob and only held Mikey tighter, like a teddy bear to comfort him. Mikey wraps his arms around his waist and nuzzles his cheek, wiping his own tears to take care of his brothers’. “It’s okay, big brother. I’ve got ya.”

Leo doesn’t know if he is comforting Michelangelo or himself, but either way he knew it felt good for both of them to be there for each other like they always had, in a time that they needed it most.

“I love you, Mikey,” Leo tells him.

“I love you too, Leo,” he replies, snuggling into his chest.

Leo kisses his brother’s forehead and places him carefully back in the wheelchair. “It’s time to go home now, baby brother.”

He begins to walk, smiling as Michelangelo begins to drift off. He looks up at the sky, the same string of stars winking down at him. “Thank you, my love,” he whispers. “For looking after him.”

The wind blows against his cheeks in response, and for the first time he thinks that just maybe he can learn to see light again.

X

“You know all of that isn’t going to help you, don’t ya?”

Donatello pauses his work but does not turn away from the tools, fiddling comfortably through his fingertips to screw and twist the last bulb on another contraption that he would probably actually use little to never. He rolls his eyes and continues working, a tad of a reminder of when he was desperate to isolate from them during his depression days.

“And that is a concern of yours how?” he caustically replies to his brother.

“Don’t be a dumbass Donnie,” Raph says, resisting the familiar urge of slapping his younger brother upside the head.

“Fair enough, I guess,” Donnie answers, setting down the pliers and turning to his brother, ostentatiously dropping his hands into his lap. “Can I help you, Raph?”

“You know,” he starts to say, kicking his legs up onto the desk just to see if his brother would say something about it. “I may be a bonehead, especially compared to some prodigy like you, but I ain’t that much of a bonehead. I know you’re thinking about him.”

“You don’t say?” Donnie sighs in response. “He was your best friend longer than mine, I don’t see why you should be catering to me about it. If anything, it should be the other way around.”

“Look buster, grief isn’t some competition. He was our best friend, like a brother to us. And if anyone’s got our backs right now, it’s each other. I know you like to lock yourself up when you feel like shit, and that’s not gonna do anything to help you, is it?” Raph stands.

“You aren’t one to tell me what I can or can’t do as an attempt to recharge-

“Let me guess, science is how you deal with stress?” Raph smirks slightly.

“Hypothesis confirmed, smart ass,” Donnie replies. “What do you want from me Raph? Before all of this even, I’ve never been the type to go to group therapy. It’s not like I’m gonna try something stupid ever again – I sure as hell learned that lesson.”

“I need you to go out with me. Get out of this place, fuck around like we did with Casey. Saying goodbye to him the way he would want us to is the only way either of us are gonna get any closure.”

“Raph, do you honestly think I am up for partying only a week later? Unbelievable.”

“No, I think that you’re the type to lock yourself away from your problems and let the downers weigh down on you without an attempt to make peace; I know it actually. If you don’t get out, if you and I don’t say goodbye to him the right way, it’ll eat us alive and you know that.”

“Do you think some outdoor reflective adventure has the power to change that? Raph, please don’t be so ignorant to the fact that-

“For the record, I think he’s got a point.”

April stands in the doorway in pajamas with her bangs sweeping over her face, hiding the bags under her eyes. She smiles timidly and begins to emerge closer into the lab, stopping and resting her fingers on Donnie’s thigh. “Donnie, this isn’t healthy for you and you know that more than anyone. Raph isn’t trying to get you to go out and party like everything’s alright; it hasn’t been alright for as long as I can remember. He wants you, both of you, to let go of the bag of your shoulders and give Casey the liberation he deserves.”

Donnie keeps his eyes attached to his fingers as they fiddle over each other, the faded scars under them a cruel reminder that none of this would have ever happened if he didn’t create them. Accommodating to their requests was more an obligation than a consideration.

“And what do you expect to do, exactly?” he surrenders quietly.

“I sort of have an idea in mind. I just – one on hand, I know you need this to progress, but I also didn’t have the guts to do it alone.”

“Whatever you say, Raph,” he sighs. “You have permission to flip my bandana over my eyes and drag me away into this mysterious abyss.”

Raph smiles weakly and punches his brother’s shoulder, proceeding to pat it firmly.

“Thanks April. Without you, I really don’t know what we’d do with him,” Raph turns.

“I’m honored. And by the way, I hope you know that I’m coming too. Casey was my best friend as much as he was yours, absence due to comatose doesn’t change any of that,” she says.

“Of course,” Raph replies, turning and tapping Donnie’s hand. “You coming or not, favorite edge lord of mine?” 

“Please, if that was a real world your face would be the Webster definition. And sure, but I’m not staying out all night if that’s what you’re thinking. This project can’t just build itself.”

“The project can go fuck itself,” Raph snarks, kicking Donnie’s leg for him to follow. The three bundled together some coats and went out into the crisp evening, without shaking off the feeling that something is missing and that the hole will never be filled.

By the time that they reached the hockey rink, they knew that the feeling was a fact.

They were leaning over the rails and looking out at the ice, so still and so cold, especially without him on it.

“He really loved this place, didn’t he?” Donnie breaks the silence.

“It was more home to him than the trashy old shack was, it always was. I’d say he spent way too much time here, but I’d like to think that it was time well spent,” Raph reflects.

“The kid really did love it, hockey I mean. I remember back when I was a peer tutor and had just started being friends with him, he had brought me here. I hadn’t been skating since I was a kid, not since my mom was alive. It was a rough time for me, I was having troubling accepting all this change in my life and I had felt so alone and then he was the one that knocked some sense into my head that everything was going to be okay,” April says.

“He sure did have a talent in doing so. What a trip that Casey was,” Donnie sighs.

“As annoying and irritating that pain in the ass always was, he was always there. You could call him at any hour, and he would stop whatever he was doing to help. He was that kind of friend that you take for granted – until you realize you needed him a lot more than you thought you did. It just makes me feel like I should have done the same for him, I should have known there was a reason for all his secrets. I should have seen if he was okay, and not pass off brief family stories as an answer. There was a truth that I never bothered to investigate, and I wasn’t there for him. Now, it’s just too late,” April says, fighting the urge to tear up.

“I have a feeling that he forgives you; that he forgives us,” Raph answers. “He knows that we love him, and that we stood with him until the very end. Impulsive as he was, he never really was mad at someone. Not counting his father, of course.”

“He had it coming with this type of thing, this hockey life. I told him to apply for college next year, try to get a hockey scholarship. We both knew he definitely had the talent for it. I told him that he needed to get away from all this, to focus on himself for a while. He told me that he’d never in eternity leave the team behind, even if it meant dropping the chance of a hockey match ever again,” Donnie smiles. “He even would have given up becoming an international bounty hunter.”

“I was going to be his partner on that, actually. We had it all planned one night. He said I could pass as his sidekick and I told him that he was insane,” Raph adds. “The ego on the kid sure was one of a kind.”

“Remember his intense monologues he would put on every time he would do anything? He could be ready to take a half-assed cake out of the oven and he would act as if it’s the most intense scene in his grand finale,” April laughs.

“Prepared him to handle his actual grand finale, at least,” Donnie sighed.

The three sat in silence, their eyes fixed on the shiny ice in front of them, so lonely and caving without Casey to prance along it.

“You know, this place always did piss me off,” Raph chuckles. “Mikey was super annoying any time that he tagged along, and it always pressed me when Casey could glide along like it was nothing.”

“As much of a bonehead that he was, the guy had such a tendency to be better than everyone else,” Donnie replied.

“That son of a bitch,” April says, giggling slightly but bouncing a tear off her face.

“Fucking Casey Jones,” Donnie says, reaching for both of them to snug closer to his chest.

“He really was one of a kind,” Raph says.

“And he always will be,” April finishes, “And we will never really be without him.”

The three stared at the ice once more, almost picturing his stupid smug smile when he would glide along, raising his eyebrows and that one mocking laugh that he always did when someone would eat shit with the first skate. Yet he would always patch them up if they fell.

_Fucking Casey Jones._

X

A cold cup of tea sounds appealing to a summer day, a relief of overly warm suffocation and sweet reminder of the carefree seasons. The weather outside wasn’t quite felt from down in the sewers, excluding the winter seasons that would deprive them of any natural heat possible. The temperature of this room in particular couldn’t be acknowledged at its highest extreme, for the cold emptiness that bounces around the crooked walls would always sit until it seized to exist. Cold tea was meant to be refreshing, but to Splinter it was warm tea that had only run cold because he was too unsettled to drink it.

The last time he had drank tea was a memory much better off forgotten, and the last time he had company present was a person that he wished could be forgotten. Kirby O’Neil’s presence was settling in a way that at least someone’s tea would not run cold, but he only knew that because of the warmth of his breath.

Kirby had always been a man with an awkwardness towards conversation in general, and for being a different kind of psychologist himself he sure was anxious often. Yet in this situation there was no words for anyone, but the silence seemed to be anymore pitiful.

“I let down my daughter too,” he finally sighs, catching Splinter’s attention. “Not just recently, but endless times before. I understand what that sinking feeling is like.”

Splinter takes a moment to interpret the stiff man’s words, finally sipping his cup of cold tea.

“All of the times that the Kraang were here, I abandoned her,” he continued, “and she always had to stay in our cheap little apartment all alone. As an infant I failed to save her mother, and save her protection from the kraang. Even when she was comatose I could do nothing more than sit and wait for progress, and yet knew that there was always something more that I wasn’t giving her. If anyone understands the feeling of sitting on the carpet next to their child’s furniture and crying in remorse of being a bad parent, I do.”

“You and your daughter have been through some horrible things, Mr. O’Neil.”

“You and your boys have been through a hell I can’t even imagine, from the start of their lives to now. When April had told me of all the stuff you all have went through, I couldn’t even grasp the idea…”

“My spirit tells me that the way I have handled this nightmare and my failure to guide my children will never be granted forgiveness,” Splinter’s ears droop down in defeat.

“The boys are still alive and they are going to get better, and you are still taking care of them-

“It should not be forgiven that my own turmoil destroyed my intuition so severely that I allowed a monster the opportunity to abuse and violate my children. It should not be forgiven that I casted my sons out of my home when they acted out instead of guiding them with care and love. It should not be forgiven that I continued to break down my children after they had already been through an incendio and it should not be forgiven that I was so negligent to my boy’s needs and emotional help that I allowed him to feel desperate enough to take his life in the first place,” Splinter cries, finally hiding his eyes into his palms and shuddering.

For being an expert in psych, Kirby wasn’t an expert in consolation, but he offered a hand on Splinter’s shoulder and lightly hugged him in comfort. The balance between a friend and a professional would be difficult, but for being a family to April the way that they were he would do anything to make their lives better.

“Look, Splinter,” he says, slightly catching Splinter’s attentiveness, “You all are survivors of something incredibly horrific. The laceration is fresh and the laceration is fresh, and that will be scars which last for a lifetime. Nevertheless, the key point is that you are survivors, and the monster is dead. He cannot do anything to bring more damage to this family for the rest of your lives. The impact and the grief is rightfully weighing down, but now that you all are free, the time has come to start picking up the pieces and moving forward.”

“The damage to the boys seems to grave to be repaired. I’m not sure Leonardo will ever see the face of confidence again, Raphael of reassurance and Donatello of trust, and Michelangelo…”

Splinter begins to flinch once more at the thought of the atrocity which had stained the spirit of his youngest child, destroyed the only thing that was precious to him left in the world…

Kirby clenches his eyes and gazes to the floor, shifting his feet and tightening his grip on his thighs. “I know it seems impossible, to both you and Michelangelo, that this could ever be patched. To be quite frank, it never will. Going through something like that takes something away from you, a piece of you that you can never get back, and in a way changing the person that you were before. Yet under the pain you are still you, and still strong enough to build a person around that. Michelangelo is a strong boy, and I know that he is strong enough to build around this, to fill the void that was taken away. He won’t get there on his own, but I promise that we will lead him to recovery.”

“I appreciate your kind wishes, Mr. O’Neil,” Splinter says, wiping a sniffle away, “I just wish so greatly that I could get Michelangelo and the rest of the boys the professional care that they need, but after what happened before I don’t think I could ever trust someone with the boys again. I even feel wary to allow them to leave home.”

“That’s completely understandable, and I would undoubtedly be under the same decision. However, would you be more willing if they were treated under a trusted individual under your supervision?” Kirby offers.

“Being mutants which are complete outcasts from society, there is many individuals to trust,” Splinter cynically responds.

“I know it’s not a word that anyone would want to hear right now,” Kirby sighs ironically, “but I think you’ve forgotten that I am a licensed psychologist myself. An expert in psychology though, in contrast to a psychic psychopath.”

“Telepathic? Is that what he was?” Splinter grinned in the slightest.

“Yeah, I suppose that is a tad more accurate,” Kirby laughs, “But on a side note, finding humor in the perpetrator is one of the first steps to recovery.”

“It seems so,” Splinter replies, finishing the cup of cold tea. “Are you implying that you could treat Michelangelo? I know that personal biases prevented you from treating Donatello previously…”

“I love Michelangelo. He is like a little brother to April, and you all are family to her and I likewise. I have the resources to help him with such a trauma, and especially because I understand what he is going through,” Kirby says, “And in contrast to Donatello, he isn’t it love with my daughter.”

“Touché,” Splinter chuckles. “Mr. O’Neil…you really think it is possible that you can treat Michelangelo?”

“Of course I can. I haven’t been actively working since two years back when the kraang arrived, so I have more than enough time available on my schedule. I will always take care of your children as you have taken care of mine. You just have to let me know when you both are ready, and my door is always open,” he says.

“My friend,” Splinter says, standing up to hug Kirby fondly. “Words would not express the gratitude that I have for you.

“Likewise, Splinter,” Kirby smiles, “I promise that our kids are going to get through this.”

“Mr. O’Ne- Kirby,” Splinter says, remembering that formality was uncomfortable to others, “I apologize for not interpreting your words more adequately and more quickly, but what did you mean when you said that you understand what Michelangelo is going through?”

“Well,” Kirby sighs, “Of course I want to treat Michelangelo because I love him, and that I am an expert on psychological healing. The reason that I am eager to work with Michelangelo is because I think I could be most helpful to him, and that the connection of the past would be moving for both of us.”

“And why is that?” Splinter inquired.

“Because when I was younger,” Kirby explains, “The same thing happened to me too.”

X

Ice still trickled along the edge of his cheekbones from the exposure to the ice an hour ago, not colder than his spirit in the memory of his friend but a bit warmer when he had a piece with him. Donnie still had on a beanie and scarf that April had knitted him in an extra credit design class she had took last winter, which Casey would make fun of endlessly until he could try it on himself.

Donnie fiddles with the spoon that sits in his coffee, present for no other reason but to stop him from stopping any action at all. To lead his eyes to the clock so that he could tell the time without having to unlock his phone and see that stupid picture Mikey made them all take a year ago, in much simpler of times.

Yet never in a million years could he ever have the heart to reset it.

The delicate knock on the door startled Donnie, as visits to his actual bedroom were rare and the sense of sound had partially been forgotten, but instead of the usual sardonic reply through the walls he let out a soft ‘come in’. Now wasn’t the time to yell, wasn’t the time to bitch about visiting hours and wasn’t a time that any one of them wanted to be alone.

When the door cracks open and he sees her ginger hair, also with tiny droplets of ice coating, his heart warms a little more and his eyes soften in the way that they could with so little sleep to rest them. He moves from the revolving chair and sits delicately on the mattress as if she had come in for a Netflix marathon like she would on any other normal evening.

“Hi D,” she says, her voice soft and whipped from lack of use. “How you holding up back here?”

“Negatory in change,” he sighs, “But it’s a lot warmer now that you’re here.”

She blushes, a light peachy color floating under her sun kissed cheeks, and awkwardly scooted closer to him. “I thought it would be.”

“Almost makes you want to watch Supernatural and eat some Coffee Pops,” he smiles.

“Jeez has it been a while,” she gazes at the pigment of his honey copper irises, “And I’m pretty sure I didn’t pay for the Netflix bill for the last few months.”

“I’m pretty sure that you have a valid excuse on that one,” Donnie says, and instinctively wraps his arms around her smaller form, making both of them tense.

“I grew up with all these ambitions, goals to be in the medical field or a scientist of any kind since that subject had stood out so strongly. I didn’t expect that I would be forced out of high school sophomore year and too infamous to get trust from any school ever again, or that I would feel more welcome in the sewers than in any portion of the faux world above me,” she says, Donnie frowning slightly. “But when I’m in here with you, I really would only dream of a future of eternal coffee pops, Supernatural marathons and Donatello Hamato.”

Sweat trickles down Donnie’s forehead, unconsciously wrapping her closer to his chest.

“I didn’t know myself before, Donnie. I had no idea what would lay beneath this skin and I was even scared to figure that out myself. I think the only one who had any idea on who I really am must be you,” she says, turning to face him with a bashful smile.

“I-I would like to hope that I always know the real you,” Donnie stutters.

“And I would like to hope that you always will,” she says, intertwining her fingers in his larger ones. “What I would like to say, possibly, that I really didn’t get a chance to express before, is that I just may think that I’m in love with you too.”

Donnie puts his hand to soften the back of her hair and does not hesitate in kissing her, without the awkwardness and fear of the times before and with only mutual vulnerability, security, and love. He keeps his lips to the warmth of hers for as long as he can savor the moment, thinking about how nice it is to taste her strawberry lip gloss and to feel her body in his grasp.

They finally pull away, still holding onto each other and chewing their lips gleefully. “What I was trying to say is that that was far overdue.”

She jumps to lean on his chest and snuggles into his heart, feeling the rapid beat thumping below her. He gets the courage to run his fingers through her hair, as if it was the most precious jewel to ever surface the face of the earth.

He was pretty sure it was, too.

“April,” he says, “The world isn’t ending this time, or at least I think it’s not. If it was, then our world has already ended by a long shot. But this time around, w-would you care to be off paper officially my girlfriend?”

She giggles, leaning upwards to kiss his cheek. “Yes, Donatello. I would greatly care to be off paper officially your girlfriend.”

He could swear that the giant and mostruous breath of air that had been kept in his lungs for the last two years had finally exhaled in that moment.

 

 


	29. Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy… wow, I don’t even know what to say. Our little journey is testing the edge of the shore, and this is the last real chapter before the epilogue and then this story will be over. I’ve given a sappy message quite often as of late so I will say that although this is the end of the road for Fixing Donnie, it is not the end for me. I will also be rebooting a Coraline AU fic for a Halloween special. In more recent times, when this story has officially come to an end, I will be releasing a mystery drama centered on the girls of TMNT. A name will shortly be released! It will have a softer tone than Fixing Donnie for sure, but will of course a classic angst Sarr story. Also, on writers café I will soon be releasing my poetry compilation (can also be seen on sarr.writes on Instagram) and my own original novel – with info released soon.  
> Back to Fixing Donnie – We have won first place in Most Vilest Villain (The Psychologist) Best Ally (Casey) Best Dark Fiction and Best Horror in Tumblr’s 2016 Best TMNT Fanfiction Awards! I am beyond stoked and I love you all with my whole heart!  
> And with that, happy reading!

_Six Months Later_

The ball bounced against the stained wall, traveling over and over again from the force of the floor to the force of the wall to the crescent of his palm. It was amusing and took his concentration, and something he felt he really needed in his life about seven years ago. However, rather than entertainment, Kirby said that the ball was meant to make him feel in control of something he enjoyed. He guessed that makes a little sense.

“Don’t get me wrong dude this is fun and all but…why can’t I use that spinny thing anymore? April says that thing is crazy hype with the kids up top and-

“Now, now, Michelangelo,” Kirby says, “That toy helps ADHD, not PTSD. That’s what we’re working on here, is it not?”

“ABC, LMNOP! Who can keep track of all these acrosyns?” Mikey pouts.

“It’s _acronyms,_ Mikey,” Kirby giggles, “But I’m really glad to see you so unstressed.”

“Eh, Dad says he has a gift for me later today so I’ve kinda been hype since sunrise yoga, and you know I _hate_ sunrise yoga. Leo and Splinter must have more than one screw loose for thinking waking up that early in the morning is remotely okay-

“Michelangelo,” Kirby reminds him, remembering to keep his hands off the boy and to keep his voice level. “Focus.”

“Yeah, right, okay,” Mikey responds, scrunching his eyes in thought, “Where were we again?”

“Okay, Mike. I’m going to ask you some questions and I expect you to answer in complete honesty. Is that okay with you?” Kirby asks, pulling out a pen and notepad.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” Mikey says, smiling confidently.

“Okay then. Michelangelo,” he says, leaning over to grab the boy’s wrist in comfort, delicately and slowly so to not bring back flashbacks, “What happened to you?”

The boy takes a deep breath, relaxing until his heart rate went down. He exhales and stretches back. “I am a victim of abuse, manipulation, attempted murder, harassment, and…rape.”

“Who is responsible for this?” Kirby says, keeping an even tone.

Mikey is reluctant to respond, lost in the numb blaze that crawled up his skin. It was there, and it wouldn’t leave. _He_ wouldn’t leave. He was dead and he was burnt to a crisp and yet – here he was, still towering in every inch of the falling sky and haunting Michelangelo to no end. It was dark now, and his logic told him that he was at home with Mr. O’Neil but he certainly could not feel him. He was cold and his skin was wet, the way he fell when he was in the sewers on that lonely, broken night. He could see the way his bones seemed to pry for a burst out of his flesh, and feel cuts opening along his skin and pouring blood to warm him up.

_Burn out the day, burn out the night_

The song only emphasizes the thunder in his footsteps, the predator stalking his prey.  The anticipation for the lightning that was only a few feet away.

_I can’t see a reason to put up a fight_

He’s small and inferior, and if he remembers one thing about Donnie’s books, he remembers the 9th circle of hell according to Dante and he’s pretty sure that this dark cold shack must be it.

_I’m living for giving the devil his due_

He could see him, appearing so much larger than he did before, as if he could devour the entire universe in a single swallow. In Mikey’s world at least, he already had.

_I’m burning, I’m burning for you_

STOP!

Before the monster could approach him he stands defensively, making everything in that shack freeze. With his hand faced outwards and his glare affirmative, he felt a new sense of power, an entitlement that he couldn’t know before.

“You can’t trick me ever again! It won’t work! You’re dead, you’re powerless and I am NOT scared of you!”

Alongside the rasp in his throat the monster only begins to shrink, his might and his power cowering down the drain and everything in that shack breaking like shards of glass, all sinking until finally there was nothing left – nothing other than a white room with no walls and a single mirror staring back at him. He looked at his reflection, seeing that he had a lot more dirt than he did before, and scars on his skin which would never subside. It wasn’t until now that he saw them as a sign of bravery, accomplishment, survival. Yet he still had the even cut tails of his bandana, he had his baby blue eyes and his cheek freckles, these physical attributes that made him _him._ He had been through a lot with this boy in the mirror, and he wasn’t going to give up on him. _Ever._

“It was the fault of my abuser,” he says, staring back at himself. “Nothing was my fault. I was a victim, and I am a survivor. It is not my fault.”

He shakes a little and opens his eyes, finding himself back in the room with Kirby holding his hand. Nothing there except for him and the yellow stained walls, no noise except the buzz naturally found in the air.

Nothing was real, he imagined everything that happened.

“I am so proud of you, Michelangelo,” Kirby says. “You have never said that before.”

Mikey snaps back into reality, wiggling his fingers to make sure they’re still there.

“Yeah,” he giggles ironically, “I guess I haven’t. I just didn’t know that it could feel so good.”

“You are strong, Michelangelo. You are a fighter and you will never stop fighting, for yourself and for others too. You have a spirit with a light too powerful to be simmered, even by the darkest of monsters. You’re going to be alright, Mikey,” Kirby squeezes his arm affectionately.

“I…I’m going to be alright,” he whispers, noticing a parallel mirror looking back at him. He looked sweaty and had eye sacs, but oh did he not feel that way.  He felt big, and strong, and so much more whole than he had been in this past awful year.

“I’m going to be alright,” he says, standing up and inhaling, seeing his cracked chest move with him.

He turns to Kirby with some kind of mischievous smirk, finally laughing with that big smile which everyone longed to see again. “I’m going to be alright!”

Kirby chuckles in pride, taken by surprise when Mikey charges into him with a hug, pressing his face into the man’s blazer. Mikey had been touchy about affection since the nightmare happened, but it was so comforting to see the boy they knew back here in front of him. He hugged him tight in response, hoping with everything he had that he had helped this child grow away from the same life that had consumed himself.

“Thank you, Mr. O’Neil,” he muffles, looking up with tears in his eyes, “I would have never gotten better if it wasn’t for you.”

“Michelangelo, to be honest I wouldn’t have started trying to get better myself if I didn’t get inspired by you,” Kirby smiles, an unpredicted level of fondness for the kid flowing through him.

There was a delicate knock on the door, and Mikey moved his face away with a big smile on his face. He is quick to respond and swing the door open, his father standing before it.

“Hi papa!” he says, jumping to his shoulders for a hug. “You obviously haven’t talked with Mr. O’Neil yet, but today is a wonderful day!”

“Oh! Well I’m glad to hear that, Michelangelo!” he says, also taken by surprise but smiling warmly back at his youngest. He looks up to Kirby, wondering how that man who never had too much to say could possibly work so much magic.

“Michelangelo has had excellent progress today,” Kirby smiles, quickly removing any remains of his own emotional state. “He has come to the realization that he is well on his path to recovery.”

“Is that so, kodomo?” he smiles, kissing his head. “That is absolutely delightful news. In other delightful news, I have brought you a gift.”

“A gift?” Mikey exasperates, pretending to be in complete surprise. With their situation, gifts were a rare and very cherished occasion.

Splinter pulls out a brown paper bag from behind his back, handing it to                 Mikey. His eyes widen, shaking it to take a guess at what’s inside.

“Are the guys getting a present too?” he inquired.

“Actually, this one is a special exception,” Splinter answers, “But you must not let your pride get ahead of you.”

“Alright, alright. It’s a few months later than December, I wouldn’t have expected you to find-

He pulls out a teddy bear – raggedy, but in the good kind of way. Just the way he liked it.

“W-What’s this?” he asks, hanging the bear by its left paw.

“All of your life, you’ve adored Sir Teds-A-Lot, and it is not fair that you had to lose him,” Splinter says, “So the least I could do was to make up for it by finding the new and improved Sir Teds-A-Lot to keep with you from now on.”

“Sir Teds-A-Lot 2.0,” Mikey whispers in awe, staring at the bear before clenching it tightly to his chest. “I love it dad! I love him! I love you!”

The father caresses his boy fondly as he cuddles with his new bear, feeling warmth in one corner which had been quite chilly as of late.

“You’ve come a long way, child. I am so very proud of you,” Splinter says, Kirby smiling back at him.

Mikey smiles with his eyes closed, nuzzling his face into the fuzzy fabric.

“I’m going to be alright…”

X

_Pow. Pow. Pow._

The bag swings in the air’s fresh breeze, over shadowed by the pounding range of heat interpreted by the drops of sweat on his forehead. From the time that he was a child, the pounding of his fists was both placid and toxic to Raphael, his only path to trouble but also his only antidote. Not too many things would he consider comfortable, but bruised fists and the sway of a punching bag was definitely one of them.

This familiar mechanism had been abandoned for another one, one with a false antidote, and he would never make that same mistake again.

Reprogramming his body meant learning to feel at home in it again too, and falling back in love with his passion would be the key path. He got completely lost in the motions of his muscles, the blur of colors and the bumping of his heart. The more bruises he felt forming on his knuckles the bigger his smirk grew, and oh lord, did he love being a fighter.

Almost too much to remember being a ninja, and forgetting that he lived with a handful of others.

It was when he turned for water that he noticed his older brother in the doorway, his head quirked in an empty curiosity. He shook his head straight when Raphael caught his attention, blushing in a bit of embarrassment.

“Hey Fearless,” Raph nods fondly, picking up a hand towel and wiping the sweat from his freshly reestablished muscle build. “Can I help ya with something?”

“It’s just been awhile since I’ve been in here is all,” he says, his eyes searching the dojo.

“It’s been awhile since you’ve seen anything, with your agoraphobic acting ass,” Raph teases. “Turns out it isn’t so bad to not be such a stranger.”

“I know, I know,” Leo slides down against the wall, grabbing a drink from Raph’s water bottle. “I guess I was just kind of afraid.”

“Whoa, hold on a minute. Fearless? Afraid?” Raph mocks, getting a playful smack on the shoulder in response.

“I guess you can say I’m just full of plot twists,” Leo laughs sardonically, “They’re just gonna keep coming, man. You might as well get used to it.”

He leans back and keeps his eyes upward, gazing at the surroundings that had so many memories.

Raph sat in the silence as well, feeling the pulsing in his forehead begin to fade, starting to forget about the adrenaline that hunted on that still wobbly punching bag hanging in front of him.

“Leo?”

His voice sounds like it did when they were kids and when they all shared the same old mattress, once Donnie and Mikey had fallen asleep and Raph felt less obligated to keep an attitude. Simply, rather, to ask a question that he would never want anyone else in the world to hear.

“Yeah Raph?”

Raph exhales and feels the nerves soothe through his fingertips, swallowing the spit in his throat. He wasn’t nervous, not at all. He had no reason to be. He just somehow felt that the ice he had been walking on has begun to crack.

“You said you were afraid.”

Leo looks at him with a slight eyebrow raise, but not with any judgement. “Yeah. I did.”

“What are you afraid of, exactly?”

“Well, I guess a lot of things,” he begins, “Memories, the good and the bad. Of course, this room is my childhood and that will never change. Maybe that’s even part of it, because times were so much easier then even if they really weren’t, if that makes sense. I miss something that I never actually thought I would. Bad memories don’t matter anymore and I know that but sometimes I just-

“Slow down there, buddy. Ramble that much and you’ll give yourself prostate cancer,” Raph interrupts.

“Is that even possible? I assumed that the mutation blocked any sense of fertility,” Leo shakes his head, “And besides, you asked anyway, didn’t you?”

“Yeah,” Raph says, “I was just trying to figure out if there was some personal reason as to why you’ve been so distant.”

Leo grabs his wrist, swiping his thumb along it. “I didn’t mean to little brother. It isn’t like that.”

“Then what is it?” Raph asks, accidentally too aggressively.

“The same way I didn’t want you guys to see me when I was fucked up, recovering from addiction is just as hard and it was something I had to do alone. You of all people would understand. You understand, don’t you?” Leo asks with a hint of vulnerability.

“I understand,” Raph sighs, “I just worried that you losing her would take you with her, and that would have meant I lost both of my best friends.”

Leo pulls Raph closer to him, nuzzling his head into the crook of his neck and holding him in the way that a big brother would.

“A part of me did go with her, Raph. And I hope that you will never have to understand what that feels like. I will never be the same person and that is correct – but I will never, ever leave you. Maybe I have a shitty way of showing it, but I have never left you and I never will little brother. I can promise you that.”

“To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever be me again either. Of course, because what we went through would damage anyone. But that feeling you were talking about…” he hesitates, “I think I just might in the slightest way understand. I would have never ever admitted it before but…I think I may just have felt that way about Casey.”

Leo nods in understanding, closing his eyes in serenity of the nakedness in the room, the kind too pure to understand without showing full vulnerability. “That’s okay.”

Raph nods, wishing so much that he hadn’t wasted so many years running away from emotion.

“Well, I think we’ve had enough wise old deepness in the past year, don’t you?” Raph says, getting up and reaching for his hand. “I think it’s about time for some overdue physical therapy.”

“I don’t know man, it’s been forever since I even used the old things, I-

“Nonsense!” Raph cuts in, flipping the old sais before swiping at Leo, his katanas blocking them instantly.

“That’s a boy!” Raph laughs, swinging into the motions that came with an old spar, feeling a ton of weight slide off his back by feeling that energy without being destructive.

“Hell,” Leo says, stopping for a second before jumping in to defend from Raph’s attack. “I almost completely forgot about how good this feels. The last time we fought, we were throwing dishes at each other’s faces.”

“That isn’t very honorable, is it Fearless?” Raph smirks, the innocent spark in his eye taking him back to when he was 15 and oblivious to the horrors that existed in the outside world. “Always gonna be Fearless to me, y’know.”

“I know,” Leo smiles warmly, “And know that I’m always gonna kick your ass.”

The two sparred for hours on, laughing and jumping at the return of old moves and everything that had happened and all the crippling pain seemed to fade deep into the background. For now, it was just them two, just brothers who liked to mess around with absolutely no aim.

Splinter may have even passed by at some point, trying to find the source of the racket, and only smiled softly while watching his boys, and finally seeing them for what they were.

Just boys.

X

“This is insane!”

Donatello towered down at the grey water below him, the waves seeming to mock him. The breeze held the sand with it and it smacked the edges of his cheekbones, but since it made her hair flow he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“C’mon D, it isn’t so bad!” she giggles, her freckles enough light to take all this mist away. “We’ve bungee jumped off the Empire State Building, climbed the Statue of Liberty, crashed a Green Day concert wearing black morph suits, and you’re scared to do a pier dive?”

“This is a list of reasons to LIVE, if I’m not mistaken!” he says. “This doesn’t look like living, April! I never really went to the beach because it kind of gave the scent of imminent death!”

“Oh come on, don’t be such a pussycat!” she laughs, “If you don’t fear how you’re living, you’re not living at all. Right?”

“You have to pull a Casey quote on me, don’t you?” he pouts playfully. “Why, Lord, must I have fallen in love with a sadist?”

“Guess I’ll just have to fall in love with someone else, in that case,” she teases, “What an absolute shame!”

He reaches to kiss her protectively, but she catches his face with her hand and holds it an inch away.

“You’re going to have to earn that, my Donatello.”

“Oh really? And what exactly are the procedures for such an accolade?”

“Donatello Hamato,” she kneels, holding her fingertips along his larger one. “Will you jump with me?”

He grabs her by her waist and pulls her with him, both of them soaring down from the pier and plunging into the depths below. He doesn’t lose grasp of her when they splash deep into the sea, kicking his feet to guide them to the surface and taking a deep breath of the air.

“That’s cold! Jesus!” she says, pushing her stroked strands of auburn hair out of her face, her mascara running down her face.

Yet to him, she was so beautiful.

“Have I earned it yet, O’Neil?” he smirks.

She grabs the back of his head and pulls it snuggly to her lips, the cold touch of the ocean crawling on the spark of their lips intertwining. The air was so bleak, harsh, brisk, cold; yet her lips against his lit a fire in his heart bright enough to burn him from the inside out.

They pull away and he holds her, her head snuggling into his chest as he kisses the top of her hair.

“The sand sure does look appealing,” he whispers lovingly, his legs begging to stop pushing against the forces of angry waves.

“You look appealing,” she says, crawling onto his back and kissing his neck lovingly as he swims gracefully towards the horizon.

This sure did feel like being alive.

He collapses as they arrive at the sand, attempting to catch his breath and closing his eyes in liberation.

“Poor baby,” she says, pulling his head onto her lap and massaging it. “All better?”

He smiles dozily in bliss, his mouth slightly moving and his body leaning into her touch. Opening his eyes and seeing her large, cloudy eyes looking back at him, every time that he saw her looking back at him, he only falls in love even more, with every single passing day.

“I love you,” he gasps, losing the power to speak with full force.

She bends down to kiss him, so delicate and so passionate and somehow at the same time. “I love you more.”

The next second they were in the car, cruising down the Manhattan freeway and hoping that it was late enough into the night for no one to realize that a mutant was behind the wheel. April never had the patience to get a driver’s license but somehow became a kunoichi in two years, and it all tended to look painfully ironic. Donnie, on the other hand, adored any kind of mechanic operation, even one as simple as driving a car down the freeway, but he loved her hand resting on his thigh even more.

They were silent on the ride home, nothing on but a Halsey song that they both didn’t really know. The silence was heavy and lavender at once, locking them in that specific place of the atmosphere, but also truly setting them free. Words would only break this force, break her gazes at his hazel eyes that followed the rode.

They got home in the pitch black of the night, and silent serenity even consumed the lively sewer home. They skipped towards the crook of his bedroom, laughing for no reason other than that the air was pushing butterflies into their tummies.

“Donnie?” she asks, laying her back against the bed and stared up at the ceiling with stars in her eyes.

“Yes April?” he asked, lying beside her.

_Anything in the world._

She dazes back at him, her hair falling over her cheek and her mouth hanging slightly open, like the words were suspended and blocked by the wetness of her tongue. She moves a finger first, sliding it gently across his cheek and feeling the way his breath dropped, and the restraints couldn’t hold her back anymore.  She grabbed his chin and kissed him, biting against his lip when he tightly grips both sides of her hips. His cheeks turned red and his lips trembled, and although he had kissed her over and over again somehow this time was different. Somehow this time he was paralyzed with words, yet so captivated by the art of touch and movement.

It only fired higher, a single drop of warm sweat sliding down the side of his face, when she only pushed more forward instead of pulling away.

She leaned towards him, maneuvering until she lay on top of him, feeling so light and so delicate yet so fiery and magic, convincing him that pixies were very much real and that there is one right in front of him. She guides his hand up her waist, tracing it up her chest.

“April are you-

“Shh,” she sedated him, sliding her fingers along his temple and sliding it around, gracefully swiping off his bandana. “Let’s do it right this time.”

The night moved swiftly like a swan through the night, gracefully overtaking the lake and reflecting upon the moonlight amongst it. It was smooth and it was soft, yet burning and heavy all at once. It was like they were a flower which had bloomed once it had met the height of spring, wavering pride in its beauty for it had bloomed after a winter which had frozen the seed.

His head was pounding and his body felt numb, coated in sweat like a blanket of sunlight and his hands still firmly catered upon her shoulders, her shoulders which rose up and down dramatically. She looked back up at him, her eyes half open and her chest still bare, the most exquisite of artworks that the world had ever known.

“I love you, Donatello. I love you and you only, and I will never be prouder to be yours,” she whispered.

A tear fell down before his eyelid fluttered down, a soft sloppy smile forming on his face as he tucked her closer to his chest. It was the words he always wanted, he always craved, he always starved for and that he finally had obtained.

He didn’t need to say any words, only caress her hair and hum peacefully until she fell asleep. His head still pounded with the memory of her, the feeling of her warm skin and soft body and the way her curves fell under his touch, the sounds she makes and the way she moved to hypnotize him into a spell that would overtake him forever, for eternity. He was hers, and she was his, and tonight had proven that.

He kissed her forehead and cradled her over, laying her head gently against the pillow and sheltering her body with a blanket. He emerges from the bed, his legs shaky and at a loss of balance and the motion hazing him, but he had enough energy to sit at his desk and reach for an old dusty journal that he had put away.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

 He grabbed an old dull pencil that he hadn’t held for a long time and began to write.

_My dearest April O’Neil,_

_Such a paperwork was long overdue, but I think I could say the same about me and you. I haven’t forgotten, but it was just now that I remembered how absolutely in love I am with life since you are absolutely in love with me._

_Here are 100 reasons why._

_#1 – Candy_

_#2 – Messy Hair_

_#3 – Good Music_

_#4 – Warm Naps_

_#5 – Racing the Alleys_

_#6 – Finishing (and winning) Deals_

_#7 – Makeshift Picnics_

_#8 – Playgrounds at night_

_#9 – Mikey’s pancakes_

_#10 – Old Memories_

_#11 – Watching Netflix_

_#12 – Warm Coffee_

_#13 – Her yellow sundresses_

_#14 – Open Meadows_

_#15 – Car Trips_

_#16 – Best Friends_

_#17 – Big Rock_

_#18 – Laughter_

_#19 – Singing in the shower_

_#20 – Soft pajamas_

_#21 – Reunions_

_#22 – Halloween Costumes_

_#23 – New York City_

_#24 – Fireplaces_

_#25 – Summertime_

_#26 – Fresh Raindrops_

_#27 – Family Portraits_

_#28 – Giving Gifts_

_#29 – Rock Concerts_

_#28 – Bungee Jumping_

_#29 – An intense hike_

_#30 – Coney Island_

_#31 – The winter’s first snow_

_#32 – A new sweater_

_#33 – That glow in her eyes_

_#34 – Mikey’s stories_

_#35 – Raph’s Hugs (Scarce good)_

_#36 – Pranking Leo_

_#37 – Splinter’s tea_

_#38 – Freshly baked cookies_

_#39 – Freshly bought watermelon_

_#40 – Leaf Piles_

_#41 – Stepping in puddles_

_#42 – Thinking of the future_

_#43 – Opening a new book_

_#44 – Good morning kisses_

_#45 – Goodnight kisses_

_#46 – Kisses in general_

_#47 – Tummy Butterflies_

_#48 – Using a stranger’s trampoline_

_#49 – Sneaking in a swimming pool_

_#50 – Dreams about her and I_

_#51 – Finding a new recipe (and failing to cook it)_

_#52 – Water balloon fights (except for with Mikey)_

_#53 – Quantum Physics_

_#54 – Creating a new invention_

_#55 – Repairing an old invention_

_#56 – Experiments that work_

_#57 – Winning a video game_

_#58 – Skateboarding_

_#59 – Saving the day_

_#60 – Killing the Kraang_

_#61 – Bonfires_

_#62 – Holding hands_

_#63 – Singing her to sleep_

_#64 – Sand beneath your toes_

_#65 – The sound of the ocean waves_

_#66 – Finding a new meme (a really good one)_

_#67 – Laughing until you cry_

_#68 – Valentine’s Day_

_#69 – Carving Pumpkins_

_#70 – Picking dandelions_

_#71 – Making new friends_

_#72 – Seeing old friends_

_#73 – Full moons_

_#74 – A clear sky_

_#75 – A cloudy sky_

_#76 – Deep conversations_

_#77 – Making (and failing to make) homemade lemonade_

_#78 – Sleeping in_

_#79 – Yoga on Sundays_

_#80 – Inside Jokes_

_#81 – Feeling sentimental_

_#82 – Scented candles_

_#83 – Bubble Baths_

_#84 – Brothers_

_#85 – Finding a new song_

_#86 – Fireworks_

_#87 – Kirby’s barbeques_

_#88 – Pizza gyoza_

_#89 – Vanilla Ice Cream_

_#90 – Watching Mikey grow up_

_#91 – Raph’s Emotional moments_

_#92 – When Leo gets excited_

_#93 – Talking to Ice Cream Kitty_

_#94 – Splinter’s advice_

_#95 – Defeating villains_

_#96 – Recovery_

_#97 – When she wears lace_

_#98 – Pier Diving_

_#99 – Sex._

_#100 – April O’Neil_

_I hope that you can find yourself to agree with me._

_Yours truly,_

_Donatello_


	30. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I am writing this on June 17, 2017, three days away from 16 months ago that I wrote this silly little prologue on an evening in February of 2016. A prologue that I considered a drabble to steam off a dull and depressing Saturday, which I only later decided to make multi chapter. I started this story with completely different intentions, to present a happy story about one’s recovery and some April x Donnie fluff, but only a few chapters in did I realize that there was a much more intense, yet much more necessary message that I needed to demonstrate. Since then, I ironically have recovered from a suicide attempt myself, met some amazing people through this story who will stay in my life forever, and completely transformed as both a writer and a person. And now, this little experiment with a not so little impact on my life has come to an end. I will always cherish our time together, and my heart will always be with Fixing Donnie. Although this journey has reached the end of the road, my new mystery girl squad centric human au Pills and Potions will be launching a prologue shortly.  
> Happy reading, and with all my spirit I love you all. A very important message about why I intended to write this story will be at the end of this prologue.

Donnie didn’t know that it was possible to feel this amount of replete, and completely and absolutely in love with the phenomenon that is being alive, every demon that had haunted him a year ago completely drained from his body. It was as if someone had vacuumed the dark and hallow coldness that had plagued his spirit and replaced it with a bottle of sunshine, warm and full and so very bright. As if that big mind of his had bloomed a garden of nothing but positive thoughts, productive energy motivated by only the desire to be someone great.  

The only thing reminding him that he was doing that write was his family beside him, all of them sitting peacefully over the edge under a fresh sunset and remembering that he had managed to keep them alive.

He had once endured so much pain and tortuous agony, the kind that made him embarrassingly foolish to have thought he had known beforehand, but with Raph and Mikey giggling as they teased each other and Leo meditating with Master Splinter and April curled in onto his chest none of that seemed to have mattered.

In fact, it all had only made them stronger.

When Donnie looked at the past few years, he couldn’t say that they were completely horrible – he had fallen in love and was fallen in love with, he had fulfilled the last days of his best friend and had realized how much his family meant to him. As well, he had learned how to love himself too. Every inch of him sacred now that it had been touched by _her._

April. April O’Neil. The loveliest person that had ever existed in this earth, the most beautiful woman that he could ever possibly imagine. His queen, his heart, the love of his life. Donnie could never imagine not knowing April, for it was one of the purest things he’s ever known. He will always cherish the first time he lay eyes on her, all the times they had hung out in the lair or in his lab or at her apartment, all the times he had helped her with her school work or they binge watched paranormal television shows together. The first time she had kissed him, showing him that al his dark thoughts had the chance of turning around.

The time that they had made love, telling him that after three years, she had finally loved him back.

It had been a month ago when April and Donnie had been intimate, actual intimacy. For Donnie, it was the absolute best moment of his life. After spending a lifetime of feeling so worthless and unappreciated and like he was a disgusting freak who can never feel love, he finally felt something filling the empty hole in his heart. Her kisses and warmth and affection assured him that he wasn’t as bad as he thought he was, and in fact that he would worship the luxury of being alive. He had a chance in this world, and things were going to get better.

In the morning, after he had spent such a special night with the girl he was madly in love with, after he had given her his body and his trust and passion, she had been sleeping peacefully, natural and nude on his chest when they awoke together the following morning.

_“Good morning, Donatello. I am in love with you as much as the sky loves the stars, as the sun loves the clouds, as the grass loves the soil. I will crave the day that every morning will be this way, waking up naked in your arms.”_

And they had never brought it up again. Words were not necessary, only movement and trust and passion in everything that they could do. Just like it was completely an aspect of every moment in history. Frankly, a blessing that lovely had made Donatello’s messed up mind completely bloom into a garden of delight.

Donnie stared blankly at the scars that showered his arms, each of them recalling a different memory. They were small and faded, but still proof that he was a survivor and that nothing would ever overcome him.

Things were different now. He crawled out of the lab every afternoon once he finished working on his latest invention, hearing the voices of his brothers destroying each other in a video game. Splinter would come out to watch, and Donnie had to step in and show them who was boss. None of them would ever be the same, but things were different. Mikey had gone back to creating absurd nicknames and making pancakes every morning, always with a smile on his face. Raph went back to his sarcastic ways, and an undesired quantity of knuckle sandwiches that Donnie cherished nonetheless. Leo went back to leading the team in patrol, being a hell of a son of a bitch during training and maybe even returned to writing Space Heroes fanfiction. Splinter was back to being a Sensei and playful diatribes and Donnie, well, Donnie was the Donnie that he always meant to be.

He couldn’t help but chuckle gleefully at the way things are, realizing that even after going through hell and back things always managed to turn out okay. Of course, things would never be the same without Casey annoying them all on patrol or Leo showing off at patrol because he knew Karai was watching, but he knew that they were with him, and that they wanted everything to be alright. For a little family, his family seemed to continuously be trapped in a cycle of bullshit, but after this bullshit they had grown closer than ever before. They combined their unique skills and traits to only be the most productive team possible, because Donnie understands that everyone has something to offer to this world. He understood that no harm in this world could ever taint their love, that between he and his brothers, he and his father, he and his girlfriend. He decided that this world would never be perfect and neither would he, but perfect doesn’t exactly fit in around here. He was incredible in his own unique ways, the ways that made him Donatello Hamato, one of the pieces that kept everything from fitting into a world that could be perfect in his eyes. After a lifetime of selfish choices, he finally learned that loving himself had made him the best him that he could ever be, and that it is never too late to keep changing this world for the better.

So now here he is, staring at the sunset sky, not caring or fearing about a single thing that exists in this world. For Donatello, everything was safe, all of his thoughts or feelings or hopes ignited by a new flame that burned deep inside of his soul, safe from any rain that could capture it.

He kept his face to his family fondly, thinking of how proud he was of all of them and how far they’ve come and how much he loves them with all of his heart. He would always be extra nice to them, for you never know which day is the last and you should always spend every chance to show those around how much you love them. Every day, he made sure to teach Mikey how to perform a few experiments, kissing his little brother on the head and telling him how he deserved the entire world and more. He made sure to pummel Raph with hugs, even if Raph pushed him off in confusion. He had treated Leo and Sensei to neck massages and breakfast in bed, telling them how they work so hard and deserve a little time for themselves.

For Donnie, this was his way of thanking the family that he loved. He knew that they felt this way about him as well, and that they were all eager to show compassion in this life, and they would always know that they will never leave without showing them appreciation. They realized exactly what true intentions were after learned what it really means to be alive.

Yet there was one person in particular that he lived every day for, who remained as the core of all of his affections and delight. Someone who Donnie had so many things to tell, so much things left that needed to be said.

So there he was, smiling fondly at the strawberry hair that he adored so dearly, with April O’Neil in his lap.

“You okay Donnie? You look a little deep in thought there, love.”

Donnie had to pause for a moment, seeping her sweet voice into his mind.

“I love you, April.”

April paused for a moment, taking the second to reach up and cup his cheek. The bright energy was burning in her mind, and she knew that she could not possibly be happier.

“I love you too,” she started to feel a light relaxation in her mind, growing overwhelmingly infatuated with his honey brown eyes.

“You’re the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I love you, and I wish you to give you everything you deserve, all of the best of me. I love you, I promise I will always love you right and everything will be okay,” he began, trying to conceal the shudder in his voice.

“There isn’t anything better out there, nothing possibly better than the heaven I’m in when I lay in your beautiful arms,” she replies.

“We managed to make things better, April. We took all of our pain and kicked it in the ass, we survived and now we can embrace our happiness together. Casey would be so proud of us, and we can spend the rest of eternity in love with each other,” Donnie says, the cloud of feeling in his voice sending chills to the young girl’s bones.

“That was always my greatest dream, darling. I love you more than one thousand suns. We all do and we need you, you’re worth way more this entire universe and more. God knows that you mean everything to me, everything I have ever done for you came out of my heart, out of my greatest affection. I will always love you, Donatello!” April’s voice is starting to crack now, her heart beat bouncing in her petite chest.

“I can control it now, April. I can take control of this life and I can feel everything as only the gifts of my fate, and I know you will all be okay,” he says.

“I am so proud of you, Donnie. You will always be my pride and joy. You managed to turn this around,” she says.

“I love you April. I’ll live to express that, how much you mean to me. Thank you, for everything,” he whispers, knowing if he says too much they will start to get nostalgic and he wouldn’t want to ruin his family’s carefree day.

He only held her and smelled her wonderful hair, the curves of her body freeing him from all of the demons that once invested the blood in his veins.

“Only the strongest can handle the blessed curse of a humongous mind, one that has the ability to tear them apart,” he says, wiping a small tear off of the surface of his skin. “That counts me in, right?”

It didn’t surprise Donatello they had all ended up staring at the fresh nightfall in silence, gazing in fascination at the beauty which painted the colors of this world and the beauty of the colors in each other. It was quite captivating to see the tranquility after the way that things turned out, seeing the physical reality of all the life that they were blessed with.

As the darkness began seeping in, he only crossed his arms over his chest, watching how softly her chest rose under his arms. Most assuredly, he felt that he was doing something right.

He had made everyone get better. He had made himself feel better, by stopping the hurt that plagued the life within him

He had made everything better. Finally, everything had turned out okay.

Which had all started with the journey that was fixing Donnie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, that wraps it up. If you didn’t notice, epilogue directly mirrors prologue in the comparison of the way that things turned out for Donnie.   
> My intentions to write this story were to show what happens to those around you after a suicide attempt, and how much you would really matter to the lives around you. (Now, this was over a year before 13 Reasons Why took on this idea). This story actually had a lot of aspects based on my personal life, and what would happen to your loved ones if you were gone. Recovery is always worth it, and there are always even more than 100 reasons to love being alive. Never be afraid to battle your demons and to always leave things how you feel they would be right. There is always someone who loves you, even if it doesn’t always seem that way. That being said, never forget to go out of your way to show your loved ones how much they mean to you. Always be keen to recognize signs of depression, and take the steps needed to helpfully guide them to recovery. If you start to recognize symptoms of depression in yourself, please do not be ashamed to ask for help. There will always be someone there for you. If you are a victim of violence or sexual assault, do not be afraid to reach out for help, as justice must be served against your abuser. No matter what happens or what you do, there will always be someone who loves you.   
> Please, do not take your life. Life is a precious gift and truly understanding this message is always worth the fight. Keep fighting on, because you never know what could be out there waiting for you. Everyone here has something to offer, to this world that we share.  
> Thank you all, for riding on this journey with me. I love you all.


End file.
